There are always consequences!
I really should have put that at the beginning of my story and loaded it up with exclamation marks. It would have saved me a whole lot of trouble and heartbreak. But, then what good would that have been?
We learn from our consequences, in fact, it is those consequences that either break us or make us. It is those consequences along with the trauma that we all go through, that forces us to reveal our inner strength.
Yes, inner strength... That thing that we think we might be missing... But then it comes up out of the blue just to surprise us! That's what this chapter is about!
There I was standing, feeling weak and heartbroken in the middle of a motel parking lot in the early morning. Luis had just left and Jaime was still standing there draped in a towel. I don't know who to feel worse for. Myself, Luis or Jaime.
There are always consequences and right now boththose men are dealing with the ramifications of getting involved with me.
I approach Jaime and my mind is instantly driven back to that morning after our one-night stand, where I kicked his ass out of my apartment. I can barely stomach the guilt as I realize just how humiliated he would have felt in front of Adam.
I see that same humiliation on his face now. Yet, he almost looks as if he feels sorry for me. I don't need his pity. I really don't.
"Is there anything that I can do?" he asks as he follows me into my motel room.
"No, there really isn't," I say, feeling defeated.
"I'm sorry..." he replies.
"Don't be."
There is a moment where he looks like he wants to say something, but he resists the temptation. He begins searching for his clothes and makes his way into the bathroom to dress in peace.
I sit on the chair at the desk and rest my head in my hands. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
I begin to wonder just how things might have turned out if I had of gone to my therapist appointment the day before. I might never have seen Jaime and my reunion with Luis might have been far more amazing.
But who's to know for sure? I am tired and I understand that Jaime would be tired too. But when he finally steps out of the bathroom, dressed, I am in the process of packing my clothes into my suitcase.
"What are you doing?" He asks me.
"I need to face the consequences of my problems," I respond as I pick up Zachary's cage and search for my heroic feline.
"You're going after Luis?" Jaime asks me. "I get that I'm the worst person to be giving you advice but that..."
"No. I'm not going after him. I'm going to stay with my parents. I'm going to fess up to my mother and I am going to make some big changes! If you see Adam... Get him to call me. Tell him that I'm ready to speak... No, on second thought, I'll just tell him myself."
I go back to packing my things and my cat. I leave Jaime with the cash for the motel owner and I jump into my car. Before I can drive out of town, I slip a note under the crack in the door at Doreen's cafe.
'Hi, thank you for everything. I'm finally willing to open up but I need to do a few things first. But I will come back to visit, I promise.
Yours truly, Nicole Andrews.
PS. Sorry for breaking the coffee pot. I will pay for it. I promise!'
I get back into my Audi and take off like a bat out of hell out of town... thank you, Meatloaf for that reference! I'll have that song stuck in my head for days now.
I continue driving for the next few days, only stopping for gas, food, bathroom breaks, and the occasional rest stop. By the time I reach Los Angeles I am exhausted. But miraculously, I make it through the busy traffic and all the way to my parents' estate where I pass out in my seat just out front.
My head resting on the steering wheel automatically presses the horn and it is loud enough to wake me up. I unfasten my seatbelt, open my door and hobble to the front door where I manage to muster the courage to ring the doorbell.
Maya, the housekeeper answers the door and is delighted to see me. "Nicole, it is great to see you. Your parents weren't expecting you. Would you like me to go and fetch your father for you?" she asks.
"Sure," I stammer.
Before she can scurry away my father's voice alerts us that he is already aware of my arrival. "No need, Maya. Thank you," he says.
My father steps toward us and Maya excuses herself politely. I see the exhaustion on his face, it certainly looks worse than it did the last time that I came to visit. Correction, when Luis and I came to visit.
His eyes look bloodshot. His hair is scruffy. His shirt is untucked and even his buttons haven't been done up properly. It looks as if he has just given up on himself.
"Dad, how's mom?" my voice is trembling as I take note of his poor appearance.
Instead of answering, he hugs me automatically and I can hear him softly sobbing. That is not good. That is not the definition of anything good.
Whether it be due to exhaustion or the fact that I have clicked that my mother really doesn't have much time left I give into my own tears.
We stand there for what seems like an eternity, crying in each other's arms until my father finally releases me and says: "I was going to call you and Adam today. Your mother... she is bedbound. She... she..." he cannot speak.
I instantly think back to the message that Luis left when he called me. That he was speaking to my father and he wanted us to visit. This must have been why.
Nonetheless, Luis was no longer a part of my life. I had to understand that and right now I had more important things to focus on. My mother's debilitating health, for one thing.
"Have you spoken to Luis?" my father asks me.
"Yeah," I murmur. "A few days ago."
"No, I mean today."
I am curious as to what he is referring to, but instead, he shakes his head and leads me up the stairs to my parents' room. The sight of my mother lying in her bed asleep is crippling. She is breathing softly and is surrounded by machines. Clearly, she has not left her bed in quite a while.
Her nurse leaves the room giving us some privacy and I can barely force myself to look at the once strong woman lying in the bed before me. My father places an arm around my shoulders and leads me to her bedside. But, while I thought she had been sleeping, she had clearly just been resting her eyes.
She opens them the minute we approach. "Hi, Nicky. I missed you." She murmurs.
My father quickly whispers into my ear: "I'll go and call Adam," and then leaves, closing the door behind himself.
I sit down on the floor at my mother's bedside. "Hi mom," I say.
I get that my father had pleaded with me to keep up the lie for my mother's benefit. I also understand that ignorance is a kind of bliss, but the truth is so much more valuable.
"Mom, can we talk?" I stammer. She smiles and I know that she is mentally saying 'of course, we can.'
"Luis and I..." I begin.
"You were never truly together," she finishes my sentence and I am in a state of shock.
"How did... how did you know?" I ask as I wipe the tears from my eyes.
"Because your father has never been good at lying and you take after him."
"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask, absolutely shocked.
My mother attempts to push herself into a sitting position against her pillow but it is clear that she doesn't have the strength to do so. So she gives in.
"Because the two of you were happy. When you were both here and then when I spoke to the pair of you on the phone, the way you spoke about each other... It reminded your father and I of us when we were younger. It is real love."
I bite down on my tongue. I want to cry. But I need to hold out for a little while longer.
"You won't lose him, sweetheart," my mother says. "He said it himself, he's in it for the long haul."
I wipe the tears away from my face and kiss my mother on her cold hand. "I love you, mom," I say.
"I love you more, Nicole. You're stronger than you think you are," she replies.
As she has been speaking these words, I have been examining the color of her skin. She is pale and there is no doubt in my mind that she is just barely hanging on to the last few moments of her life.
This woman before me was once the perfect embodiment of pure strength. Even when I felt that she was judging me or ridiculing me there had always been that power to her.
It is that very strength that I know that I have inherited from her. That strength that has brought me to do and to say the things that I normally wouldn't.
It was that strength that I possessed when I spoke up against Arthur Clark, even if nobody believed me. It was that same strength that has been built into me when I have made so many of the choices that I have made throughout my life.
No matter what any of us go through... We all have that same strength, but sometimes we just need a little help finding it. We don't understand just how strong we really are until we see these gut-wrenching moments that threaten to break us, and we learn to move forward.
Just as suddenly as my mother had started talking, her eyes close again. For a brief second, I think the worse, but a quick glance at the rise and fall of her chest is enough to tell me that she is just sleeping.
I sit in the armchair by her bedside for a few hours just watching the subtle rise and fall of her chest.
At one point I must have fallen asleep because, by the time I open my eyes, I am being awoken by someone who instantly brings bittersweet tears of joy to my eyes.
"Adam!" I gasp as I hug him dearly.
The relief that I feel of him embracing me back almost makes my heart feel complete. "I missed you, Nicky!" he murmurs into my hair.
"I missed you more and I am so sorry!" I tell him through my sobs.
"No, I'm sorry... You needed me and I wasn't there. We're supposed to be a duo and I was so stupid. Will you forgive me?" I can hear that he is crying too. While the temptation to tease him and say 'no' is there, I resist.
Now is not the time for jokes.
"Of course I forgive you. I love you! Let's never fight again!" I sob.
"Deal! I love you too."
He continues hugging me close until we both hear my mother's voice saying his name. "Adam, it's good to see you."
Adam and I both turn to her and Adam takes my mother's hand. "Thank you, Dianne. Same to you... I wish it were under better circumstances." he says.
"I'd be happy if you would just call me mom," My mother tells him. From my position on the armchair, I can see the moment that Adam freezes up. His shoulders stiffen.
He is praying that she is not about to insinuate that we should get married, but he doesn't know how to address that situation.
My mom clearly gets the same notion and feels the need to address him. "No, Adam... I mean you are the closest thing that I have ever had to a son. I watched you and Nicky grow up together like brother and sister. No matter who either one of you marries, I will always see you as a son. Besides, whatever fight Nicky and Luis have going on, I'm certain that it won't change their plans for the future."
Now I am flinching at her assumption. But this one, I will just let go for now. I need to pick my battles.
I wrap my arms around the back of Adam's shoulders, hugging him close from behind and we watch the strength draining from my mother's eyes. She looks over to my father who is now standing beside us.
Until now, I did not realize that he was even in the room. As Adam shifts from his position on the floor and takes up the seat in the armchair alongside me, my father crouches down close to my mother's bed and holds her hand.
"Sam, I love you," she says. "I have always loved you."
At that moment we are all very aware of the paleness in her face. Of the exhaustion in her eyes. Of the life that has been drained. That very strong woman has been hanging on with every last ounce of her strength just to say her goodbyes.
"I love you, Dianne." I hear my father sob loudly. She closes her eyes and my whole body freezes.
At that point, I understand why. She has stopped breathing and in this realization, I have also lost the mental ability to breathe.
For a moment there is nothing but pure silence. That's it! There's nothing. No noise. No one is speaking. Nobody is moving. It's almost as if time has simply just stopped.
That silence is broken by the distant feeling of Adam placing his arm around my shoulders and crying into my shoulder and by the sight of my dad loudly sobbing into my mother's hands.
My reaction is slow. I can barely understand what is happening around me. Then my breathing returns with a vengeance, as does the choking feeling within my throat. Then my body gives into the loud tears that are escaping from my own being.
I cry into Adam's chest at the realization of what has just taken place inside that room. There is nothing more crippling than seeing someone take their last breath.
The words that they speak to you, their last imparting wisdom linger with you forever. Even if you don't understand it at the time... they still linger.
After a moment of crying solely in Adam's arms, I eventually feel my father's arms around the two of us. From there, time passes the slowest that I have ever felt it pass. But eventually, the seconds turn into minutes. The minutes turn into hours and the hours turn into days.
It has only been a few days since my mother's passing and we are preparing for her funeral. Adam took the time off work to spend with my father and I and together we have been barely managing to hold it all together.
The one thing that has been holding us together is that strength that comes from deep within... That strength that every last one of us holds to carry us forward.
That inner strength!