The moment I land in New York, I feel the dread I'd been anticipating for a little over a week. I managed to distract myself on the plane. I read an e-book on my tablet I'd forgotten to bring when I left for college and slept for the remainder of the short two-hour ride. In the taxi cab ride, I took in the sight of the clear blue skies weaving through skyscrapers as we crossed the Manhattan bridge. I did everything to clear my mind, but nothing worked. I would be surprised if it did, though. What I ran away from couldn't be completely ignored. It's permanent and serious and all-hell terrifying. And I can't just hide from it.
"Thank you," I say as I slide out of the cab after paying. I walk around to the trunk and pull out my hot-pink suitcase. I step onto the sidewalk as he drives off. Staring up at the glass building, I step forward and accidentally bump into a businessman. I utter an apology, but he's still pissed and gives me the middle finger and continues down the street. I sigh. "Boy, did I miss New Yorker's ethics..." I say sarcastically under my breath.
Wheeling my suitcase behind me, I head inside the building and head straight up the elevators to the dorms. The doors slide open, revealing a cluster of kids my age in the lounge talking all about their Thanksgiving breaks. As I walk down hallways leading to my room, there are even more chatting about how they spent their break. According to my unintentional eavesdropping, most practiced for the showcase while others put their talents to the side and stuffed their faces, complaining about how much weight they put on. They should just wait until Christmas break, everyone will be waddling around. This is why I lowkey hate the holidays; you always gain weight eating and eating and laying around because it's that time of year being lazy and pigging out is more than acceptable, it's expected. I don't participate, though.
When I arrive at my dorm room, the door is unlocked, and I hear Riley's voice. I smile. I've missed her, and Finn, and... Blue. I gulp. I have to find him and talk to him after I finish getting settled in. I push open the door and instantly gasped, shocked at what I stumbled into. Riley and Blue are standing on her bed; she's instructing him while he stands on his tippy toes and lays out a strip of fairy light along the part of the wall she can't reach. My heart speeds up at the sight of him, even though I can't see his face. But I do notice the tight muscles move under his black t-shirt and his unruly hair.
"Move it down a little lower. I don't want the ceiling to glow," Riley whines and puts her hands on her hips.
"Couldn't you have put on high heels to reach up here, or something? I know you're a hobbit, but jumping is a thing," Blue groans but carefully brings the light down the cream-colored wall.
They bicker back and forth about the positioning of the light. I don't make myself known because 1: I'm scared of how he'll react, I still haven't listened to any of his voicemails or seen any of his text messages. And 2: I'm unsure of what to say to him. What are we going to do about the Evie situation? Will she keep it? Will he break up with me to be with her and help take care of the baby? So many questions plague my mind and makes it hard to focus on anything but them.
"You owe me for this, you know," Blue says. "I was supposed to be settling in my damn self, but here I am helping you with this fucking light, and—"
I haven't made a sound of moved from my spot, but, as if sensing my presence, Blue suddenly stops talking and turns around. His eyes meet mine, and his annoyed scowl turns into a blank expression. I open my mouth to say something, but the words are trapped in my throat. I don't know what to say, or how he feels with my return. Should I go over and hug him? Or prepare for him to yell at me?
"What is it?" Riley asks in an irritated voice, but then she turns to see what he's staring at and squeals. "Lily! How long have you been standing there, creep? I'll hug you right after he puts up this light. I hope you don't mind it, I just think it'll really make the room pretty. My mom got it for me, and..." She rambles, unaware of the intensity between Blue and I.
Neither of us say anything and it's making me uncomfortable. I can see that he is holding himself from a lot of things: crying, screaming, ignoring me. From here I can clearly see the emotions running rampant on his face. His eyes widen with anger and his mouth curls into a hurt frown. My stomach twists in guilt and I take a step forward to try and explain, but he shakes his head once.
He drops the light in his hand and jumps off the bed. "I've gotta go," he says and brushes past me, walking out of the room.
"Hey! You didn't finish putting it up!" Riley calls after him and rolls her eyes.
"I'll be back," I quickly mutter before running out of the room. I look left then right and see he's storming down the hall toward the elevators. I call out his name and he picks up his pace, ducking his head in an effort to hide himself away from me. I sprint down the hallway just as he's turning down another one. The hallway is empty and has an emergency exit. He's in front of the door, his hand around the silver knob, but I grab his elbow and he wheels around to stare me down.
"What the fuck do you want?" His harsh tone makes me flinch.
"I—what happened with Evie?" Of all things I could have said, that was it.
He looks just as annoyed as me. "You would know if you didn't just fucking leave me."
"I had to get away."
"Without me?" He shouts.
I look at my shoes. "Yes, I am sorry."
"Where did you even go?" He still sounds pissed, but he's trying to keep himself calm. I wonder how long that will last.
"To my dad's."
He mutters something under his breath and avoids looking into my eyes. Anger radiates off of him in thick, palpable waves. I can tell he is holding back from snapping at me more than he already has. But he deserves to. I just up and left without telling him anything. His hundreds of missed-calls and text messages is proof of his concern.
"What did you say?" I ask him. I watch him rub the back of his neck and his tongue slide between his lips.
His intense eyes finally meet mine, and he lets all the anger out. Every last ounce. "I said you should have fucking stayed there. There was no point coming back here after you fucking gave up on me." I try to open my mouth to protest, but he smacks his hands against the wall behind me, boxing me under his large body and smoldering eyes. "Don't even try to fucking deny it! You turned away and ran away the second things got tough! I thought you loved me, and you just walked away. I needed you and you fucking left me."
I'm speechless and tears sting my eyes. "I..." I begin. "I am sorry, Blue—" I reach up to hold his face, but he turns his head and drops his hands to his sides. He stands up straight, shoving his hands in his pockets. I hate the feeling of guilt spreading across my veins. He won't look me in the eyes and it breaks my heart every time he denies my desperate gaze.
"You should just give me some space for right now. You had your break; it's only fair I get one too." And with that he walks past me and walks into the emergency staircase, leaving me gaping and trying to figure what the hell just happened. I can feel my heart breaking, but can I really be upset? He must have been feeling this and much more after I left him stranded at the club. Oh God. Why did I do that? He undoubtedly was struggling to grapple his own emotions and the whole Evie thing and Finn had just beat him up and—I am the worst person in the world.
"Fuck!" I yell and kick the wall and lay my forehead against it. I stay still, controlling my heavy breathing until a few minutes go by. It will hurt like hell to be away from Blue for another whole week, but I have to respect that he need his space, too. I only just came back from ignoring him a whole week myself. I want to slap myself, but I opt for smacking the wall, causing my palm to tingle and grow red. I push off the wall and walk down the hall and make a sharp right. I bump into someone and we both apologize at the same time.
"Lily?" It's Finn. Something flashes across his warm hazel eyes.
"Finn, it's so good to see you." I smile and move to hug him, but he backs away before I can wrap my arms around him. My smile falters. "What's wrong?"
"We are not okay right now," he says.
"What?" I laugh nervously. "Why not?"
His eyes squint in confusion. "You knew about Evie and Blue messing around, but you didn't tell me."
"It wasn't my secret to tell." I gulp.
"I don't care. She's my little sister and gets into enough trouble already. You know how much I care for her. You should have told me the minute you knew about them, not just keep it to yourself."
"I'm sorry, okay? I thought it was just their business, not mine."
"Yeah, well, she's pregnant now. Which could have been avoided if you'd just told me."
"How do you know Blue was the only guy she was sleeping with?" I regret the words as soon as they come out of my mouth. But it's true. Riley told me how much Riley loved to fool around with guys at parties. Not in a shameful tone, though; it's just a matter-of-fact, but to Finn it sounds like an insult I didn't mean.
"Excuse me?" He gasps. "She is not some sort of slut, Lily. She's a good kid who just doesn't think about the repercussions before she does stuff. That's why I have to look out for her."
"I am so, so sorry. I truly didn't mean it in that way—" I begin to ramble.
He holds up a hand to silence me, hurt flashing in his eyes. "That aside, you didn't tell me about you and Blue."
I knew not telling him would bite me in the butt.
"I know, I should have told you, but I didn't know how to. He was such an ass at first, but then I saw how sweet he could be and—and I fell for him. And I didn't tell you. And I am sorrier than you could now," I say apologetically, pleading with my eyes for him to understand. But he just shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest.
"I thought we were friends, Lily." He sounds so hurt.
I reach for his hand, but he pulls back. "We are, of course we are."
"I don't believe that. You hid your relationship with Blue from me. I'm sure there were plenty of times you could have told me, but you just didn't. I wouldn't have thought of you any differently. You can date whoever you want, even if it's my asshole roommate who was fuck—" He visibly bites his tongue and sighs. "I just didn't think you could do this."
I can barely speak. "Finn, I swear, I regret not telling you."
He stares into my eyes and sighs again. "So do I." Frowning, he brushes past me, continuing down the hall like before I bumped into him.
I finally feel the tears threatening to escape for the past ten minutes fall down my face. My cheeks are flamed, and my shallow breathing is so loud I swear the entire state can hear it. I just lost the two of the most important guys in my life, all because I'm an idiot. I want to crawl inside my skin and turn back the clock. but all I can do is lean against the wall of the empty hallway and slide down to the floor. I sob into my hands, wishing I could turn back the clock and undo my mistakes.
* * *
The rest of the week, the weather mocks my mood. Most days it's so dark you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between the daytime and nighttime. Other days there's too much heavy rain for you to look up and try to distinguish the time of day. Even though it hurts me, I give both Blue and Finn the space they need. I wanted to save Riley from the mess I created, but on the second day of the gloomiest week of my life, she caught onto the tension between all of us sat at the lunchroom table. She pulled me to the side and demanded I tell her everything. And too weak and wanting advice, I filled her in on all the nasty bits. Now she knows how horrible of a girlfriend and friend I am, but she didn't ask for space, which actually shocked me. To help ease the pain of being around them, she stopped going over to their room. I told her she didn't need to, but she protested and assured me things would blow over soon. All I could do was nod and smile, but in my head, I was thinking: I sure do hope so.
I passed Blue a few times on my way to class and in the dorm hallways. The most severe run-in was Thursday, yesterday, in the bathroom. I'd just walked in to take my normal after-run shower at six in the morning, and he was getting out of the shower. He never wakes up before dorm, he once told me, so when I saw him I was so shocked I lost hold of my towel basically flashed him. His eyes grew hooded, but he acted like I wasn't even in the room and walked out. I was so freaking humiliated, I could barely believe it happened. We didn't talk after.
I miss him so much. I never knew someone could miss one person this much. Every time I saw him hanging out in the dorm hallway, leaned against the wall, laughing up a storm, I wanted to stop and have him tell the joke to me. He used to secretly look up corny jokes on google then tell them to me, claiming he came up with them all by himself. I thought it was stupid but incredibly adorable. I adored the initiative to make me laugh since I was a sucker for silly jokes. And the way his eyes closed, and he held his stomach if the joke was stupid enough to make him laugh harder than I ever could. I never thought seeing a person laugh could ever bring me so much happiness.
But now I look up silly jokes and wonder which he'd steal and tell me.
Sighing, I close the google app and look ahead. Dance class just ended and I'm sore from head to toe. It's moments like this I wish the school had baths, showers don't do dancers justice. If I lived in that apartment Blue was talking about, I could take the bus there, and get in a steaming bath; maybe he'd join, and he'd tell me his bad joke for the day. Ugh. We were so good, talking about moving in together. But I just had to go and mess it up, because I couldn't handle pressure. I was such a fool. And now we're probably broken up forever and we won't live together, and I won't hear his jokes, and I won't kiss him while he plays guitar, and I am going to be miserable for as long as he ices me out.
I step in rain puddles and twirl my umbrella, listening to the soothing sound of rain hitting the fabric. I mindlessly scroll through my phone. My heart skips a beat and I stop walking when I notice my voicemail inbox. There are thirty messages, all from him. I hesitate in listening to the first one. But what harm can listening do?
I press down on the first message and continue walking to the dorms.
"Lily? Lily, fucking call me back. Where did you go?"
The next ten are the same, panicked and worried.
"What the fuck? Can you please call me back? Please? I need to know you're safe."
Message fifteen to twenty-nine is annoyed Blue:
"Pick up the fucking phone. I'm worried and annoyed and so very fucking annoyed. Pick. Up. Your. Fucking. Phone."
I roll my eyes, smiling, until I get to thirty:
"I know you've turned off your phone and probably haven't listened to my other messages, but I just needed to remind you how much I love you. It's been a few days by now, right? I can't tell. Time is shit to me, right now. I also called to—uh—to tell you that I miss you, so damn much—" He inhales roughly. "Be safe and dream of me, ballerina. Goodnight."
I lean against the bench behind me, biting down on my tongue to keep the tears at bay. He was so worried about me all last week, and I couldn't answer one of his calls or texts? I was so selfish and wrong, and I need to explain that I just couldn't stay. I needed to go. I needed to be away from the complications and heaviness, or I wouldn't be able to be of any use. I need to find him. Now.
I swipe the tears under my eyes with my thumbs and walk the rest of the way to the glass building. Inside, I shake off mu umbrella and turn to the elevators but stop dead in my tracks when I see Evie and Blue... hugging. My heart breaks at the sigh, because his face is pulled into a sad smile and he's holding her so tightly. It almost feels like I am intruding even though they are in the middle of the lobby. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe he doesn't care enough to want an explanation.
I hang my head and scurry past them, hoping he nor she see me. I hit the floor button and slam my hand against the closing door option. Once I am enclosed in privacy, I break down in my palms against the glass walls. I fucked up so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it.