Savannah James
I'd managed to somehow reduce the time I wanted to spend with Josh today, notably most of it being made up of when he braided my hair with Riley.
For the remainder of the day, I'd kept myself holed up in my room and working on the report Lionel had sent me in an attempt to keep busy. I'd escaped out of my safe haven only to help with making lunch for Riley and then to spend a portion of my time eating ordered pizza by
Josh.
At this moment, Josh was helping tuck Riley into bed and was reading her a story. It wasn't too late in the night quite yet but Josh had spent all day here, and I didn't want to have to see it as a regularity. It would hurt me too much to imagine.
I was sat out on the couch, having poured myself a glass of red wine over dinner and yet I'd somehow managed to make it through over half the bottle in a time when a glass should have been plenty sufficient.
Another shiver ran through my body when I was reminded of the way Josh's hands had ran through my hair earlier today. It was as if every memory of our old touches in bed were ignited with just his fingers against my scalp alone.
"—goodnight Riley, I'll see you soon."
Josh whispered through the opening of Riley's door before closing it lightly and tip-toeing his way into the kitchen to grab his jacket.
"You don't have to leave," alcohol was leaving my lips quicker than my realistic mind was managing to, "you want to stay for a drink?"
He pondered the idea for a second before an indication of his agreement was posed with his jacket dropping back down onto the bar stool seat. "I think I've been needing it."
"She can be a little bit of a handful sometimes."
"It's not her," he sat himself down on the couch as I reached over to the glass cabinet behind me and pulled out another wine glass, "she's truly amazing, I still can't believe she's our daughter."
My heart swelled at his wording. I'd never had the need to share Riley before, she was always mine, I'd always refer to her as my daughter.
But now she was ours.
I poured him a glass of wine as a distraction for myself before reaching over and handing it to him, thankful for the distance that he created between us. "I think we probably need to address the elephant in the room." I spoke as I began tracing the rim of my drink, "regarding your fiancé, Josh. Have you even told her yet?"
He stretched his neck back to reach the head of the couch before turning back to me and taking a large gulp of his wine. He lifted a knee to rest under his other leg as I crouched my legs up to face him. This meant a serious conversation, and I couldn't be sure if I liked it or not.
"I know I need to tell her. But this is all so new to me, I don't want to involve other people while I'm trying to get to know Riley—"
"Madison is obviously a huge part of your life too, Josh. She has just as equal a part in knowing about her as you do."
"I don't even know my daughter properly yet, Savannah. Please just let me spend more time with her first. You've had four years; I've had two days with her, it's not enough yet."
A sigh escaped my lips. Josh had always been like this, even when it came to wanting to be together back in high school, he would deny something and continue to deny it until he was already too late to the post. I brought the wine back up to my lips and sipped slowly.
I finally released the glass from my lips. "It's Riley's birthday next Wednesday."
He lifted his brows and seemed to relax his shoulders with the thankful change of conversation. "Any plans for it?"
"I've organised a small party at the park. I asked her about it and we were thinking an Alice in Wonderland themed party with just family and friends. You should come."
"Family?"
"My parents said they can't make it but they're going to FaceTime her on the day, and then Henry and Tom are coming into town next week for it." I felt bad in seeing that Josh was now knowledgeable to the fact that Henry and Tom knew all about Riley before he did. Guilt began to eat me apart the more I thought about it.
"They are?" Both our bodies relaxed with the fact that our conversation was easy again. "Do they know I'm Riley's—you know."
"They found out a couple years ago." I gauged Josh's reaction, only to see complete dejection in the fact that they knew about Riley's parental situation first, "Valentina and April were the only ones that knew about Riley when she was born, but it was selfish of me to keep it a secret from everyone, and especially from you for so long."
"Do your parents know that I'm her..?"
"They don't know that you're her father. Although I'm sure they suspect it, the timings line up exactly to the point that I'd be surprised if they didn't know it was you."
"How are they?—your parents, I mean."
"They're good, they remained friends since the divorce, even more so when Riley was born. She helped bring them together to be at least friendly together as grandparents."
"My mom is going to go crazy when she realises she has a granddaughter," Josh scratched the back of his neck with a laugh, "in a good way, in that she'll be the most annoying grandmother Riley wished she didn't have."
"Your mom was always so nice to me, I think she'll be happy about Riley."
"She will. And Beth will fall in love with her too, she's still completely hooked on the idea of the both of us getting back together again."
I almost choked up on the wine at the back of my throat as I leaned forwards and attempted a strained laugh to release it. "What?"
I could already tell that Josh regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. "You know what Beth was always like. She rooted for us more than I did."
And then my heart sunk back down into the reality again that the possibility of us ever getting back together was just that, an impossibility. Josh had never hoped for us to come back together again over the years, despite how much I had done so myself, he just as much confirmed it.
"Maybe it's probably time you get back to Madison, I'm assuming she doesn't know where you are right now." I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me right now, and if that meant bringing up the reality of his fiancé back home, then so be it.
"It's not like I didn't think about you Savannah." I shuffled back against the couch under his heavy gaze, needing the escape from where this conversation was going. "We were good together, we always were. How do you think a perfect girl like Riley exists if it weren't for the both of us together?"
"This isn't something we need to talk about right now"
He looked into my eyes again yet seemingly pressing his lips closed to stop himself from saying something he truly wanted to. "We need to talk about it at some point."
It, being us ending and where we go from here.
We shared a daughter, one that was being kept a secret from his fiancé and his family. He may have wanted the time to spend with her, but with that, comes the fact that life isn't black and white. Not all families follow the nuclear version of what a family should be in society. And ours just happened to be one of them.
"I missed you."
The words, alcohol-induced, were spoken before I had the chance to take it back. But then I knew I couldn't take back something I truly meant.
"I missed you too."
He relaxed, drawing his body closer to mine as if our instincts were in more control than we were.
Josh was always my home.
He was always the first person I used to see in the morning and the last person I would see at night. He was the best part of my life and sometimes the worst. But at the end of the day, he was one of the many soulmates I believe a person has in their life. There was never a choice between loving him or not, my heart was always drawn to his like a moth to a flame.
We both mirrored positions with similar smiles, resting our heads against our palms with propped elbows up onto the head of the couch. We were closer than before, having been drawn together mostly by the glasses of alcohol we continued to fill.
"What do we do, Josh? How do we continue with this?" I spoke, predominantly referring to co-parenting the daughter we shared.
"Are you going to be staying in New York?"
"I love the city and I love my job, but that's not saying I won't eventually move away when I settle down."
"I want to be wherever Riley goes."
"That might not always be possible with Madison, and your job and—"
"Wherever Riley goes."
I pressed my palm against my lips in an attempt to hide the smile. Everything he was saying was tipping me further and further into the black hole I once found myself in called Joshua Parker. There was a silent agreement between the both of us, and as simple as it sounded on paper, I couldn't understand how I would ever manage to live around Josh for the rest of my life and watch him be happy with someone else.
It'd already been four years and I knew now that I loved him just as much as I did before. I would be torturing myself for a lifetime, standing at the sidelines and watching someone else fall in love with the person I so desperately wanted to be with. Tipping my head back, I took a long and defeated breath. "I don't know how possible that will be, Josh."
"What do you mean?"
And yet when my eyes returned back to his, I found the glimmer of hope I had wished to see on the day that he left me.
"I need to do something, Savannah." He leaned forwards again, the inches between us losing their strength with every movement.
"You can't." My voice was a quiet whisper and yet I did nothing to move myself away from the temptation.
I knew exactly what he needed to do. The fire behind his features were drawing closer, creating a heat between us and consuming every crevice of my being. My heart had been lonely for so long and he was bringing his own closer, igniting the familiar comfort I felt whenever he was near.
He stopped just a mere few centimetres away, his eyes darting down before finding my eyes again. I watched slowly as his tongue licked his lips, craving my touch just as much as I craved his.
I took a deep breath before speaking again. "If you kiss me right now—it changes everything."
He didn't stutter, didn't even breath for one more moment before his reply came.
"I don't care."
And then his lips collided with mine, creating an abundance of senses through my body. I allowed my hands to leave the couch and the glass down on the table before reaching up and tracing his jaw and cheeks as if the memory were hot to touch.
The fragrant wine hit my senses as it tickled my tongue while his own delved through my lips. My heart attacked the walls of my chest, aching to reach out and touch his own.
I knew what we were doing was wrong. The alcohol was the confounding variable bringing us both together, paired with our extensive history and the familiar warmth he brought my body with his lips alone.
But Josh was my home, and he always would be.