A/N Amanda is sitting right next to me and wants me to write really bad so I am just for her.<3 I am a lot better at writing at night so if this chapter sucks horribly talk to Amanda.(; Just kiddinggg it's not her fault that I'm like a freaking raccoon and don't function properly during the daylight.... anyway.... here goes nothing....(: xx
I was just sitting in my bed, smiling at the ceiling thinking about everything. I am dating Liam Payne. I have a boyfriend. I am his girlfriend.
I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around anything that had happened this evening. Liam was so sweet and it was the most perfect evening I had ever had.
I couldn't wait until Amanda and Niall got back so I could talk to Amanda about her date.
Just as I was thinking this I heard someone coming up the stairs. I had a feeling it was Amanda so I got off of my bed and made my way to the door. As soon as I opened it she was standing there reaching for the knob.
She looked so happy. I immediately knew that she had said yes to Niall asking her to be his girlfriend. I was so happy for her and Niall. This was crazy. There was no way this night could get any better.
"So you and Niall are together, right?!" I swear I screamed it. I probably sounded like the biggest spaz in the word but I was so happy that I had lost all of my self control for a moment.
"YESSSSS! And you and Liam are too, right?!" I was grateful that she was as excited as I was.
"YESSS! Ahhhh!" I wasn't even capable of words at that point.
We chatted about our dates for awhile but we realized that everyone was still down stairs so we pulled on sweats and went to join them.
Once we got downstairs we found everyone sitting in the living room searching through Netflix looking for something good to watch.
Liam saw me and I walked right over to him and sat down next to him on the couch but I left about a foot of space between us just to see what he would do.
For a second he just kind of looked me up and down wondering what the hell I was doing. I was trying so hard not to laugh but I managed to keep my pokerface on.
"Love, why don't you come a bit closer?" he said reaching over to me and grabbing me by the wrists to pull me closer.
I let out a little screech. He immediately let go.
"What's wrong Lina?" Liam asked concerned.
"It's nothing, remember I uhhh fell down the stairs and hurt my wrist."
"But what about this one?" he said pulling my wrist with the large band aid up.
"Ohhh that's nothing. I uhhh just scratched it on the corner of the counter." I said shakily.
He just stared at me.
"Hey guys! Do you mind if I borrow Lina for a bit? You know best friend stuff?" Niall said walking over to us.
I swear this boy was my savior. He always knew when I needed him to get me out of something. It must've been like his sixth sense.
I got up and followed Niall out of the living room. We headed upstairs to the guest room which might as well be his room considering it's full of his stuff and he usually stays here anyway. I knew we were probably going to be having that conversation that we put on hold earlier but I didn't mind. Liam just could not find out what I was doing to myself.
"What was going on over there?" Niall asked concerned.
"I was playing around by not sitting next to him and he went to pull me closer to him, like playing around, but he grabbed me by the wrists and..." I trailed off not wanting to finish the sentence.
"Oh Lina!" he said while pulling me into a hug. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could've gotten over to you sooner."
"It's not like it's your fault. None of this is your fault." we pulled away from the hug.
"Lina can we talk about earlier. Please. It drives me crazy trying to figure out what's wrong. I just want to know what's bothering you so maybe I can help better."
"Niall, I just feel so stupid explaining it. I know that it's not normal to feel the way I feel all of the time. If I do tell you I don't want you to think any differently of me."
"I would never think any differently of you ever. You will forever be my best friend and I will love you no matter what. Please tell me."
We sat in silence for a few minutes. He waited patiently as I thought about whether or not I should actually tell him.
I decided that it might help by letting go of everything I had been holding in.
"I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my voice. I hate my face. I hate my hair. I hate the way I act. I hate how awkward I am around other people. I hate how I can never fully be myself because I'm afraid I'll scare people away. It sucks. It fucking sucks. I can never just be happy. At the times when I should be most happy there is still this overwhelming sadness that I try to push away, the thing is it doesn't stay away for very long, it always comes back and so do the thoughts. The thoughts of how I'm not good enough. All my flaws are always running through my head and whenever someone looks at me I feel like they are picking them out with their eyes. It feels like there are two people inside of my head all of the damn time. One is this voice telling me I'm not good enough, or telling me I'm worthless or ugly or fat or stupid and the other person is me. I beg my mind to stop thinking like that but it doesn't stop. It never stops. The only time the thoughts completely stop is when I'm singing but once I'm finished all I can hear in my mind is how I'm no good at it and how I should just stop trying. It's so tiring... feeling like you have to fight in your own head. This isn't who I am. This is NOT who I want to be. I want to be happy but I just can't. And then I get these overwhelming urges to cut. When I cut I feel like for those few seconds everything is just calm. I breathe easier in those few seconds. But after I am so ashamed of myself. So then I do it again and again. I know this isn't healthy and I know it's not normal but..." it had all just come pouring out and I just couldn't stop.
I looked up to see Niall's face. His face was in his hands and he was shaking badly. I could see his tears hitting the floor.
Jesus. All I ever did was bring everyone around me down. Why was I like this? What made me feel so horrible?
I just sat there quietly waiting for Niall to speak... waiting to see how much he hated me for telling him all of that.
"I feel so horrible. I-" Niall started speaking but I cut him off.
"Don't feel bad at all. None of this is your fault."
"But Lina I had no idea it was this bad. I just. I can't even begin to say that I understand how you feel but I promise that I'll always be here for you. Every step of the way. You will beat this. I promise. I love you more than anything, please just promise me that you won't give up. And if you do ever feel like you want to you to come talk to me. You are never alone in this. I love you."
"I love you too Niall." I sobbed into his chest as he pulled me into a hug.
We just held each other and cried for a long time.
After we had both pulled ourselves together we walked back downstairs to face everyone.
They all looked concerned but we put on fake smiles and walked in and sat down. I sat down beside Liam and Niall sat down beside Amanda.
"Love, please tell me what happened." Liam said with worry in his eyes.
I felt so guilty lying to him but he couldn't know.
"It's just that today is the anniversary of Niall's parent's death, and he just needed to talk because he hadn't talk about it all day and..."
"Don't worry babe! I understand. Man that must be hard, but you're a really good friend... I was just missing you." He said winking at the end.
Jesus, he was the sweetest, cutest boy ever. I really had no idea why he wanted me.
They're back. I texted to Niall. I could push through them pretty well as long as I wasn't alone. I just wanted to show Niall how quickly they came back.
He looked at me and nodded saying that he understood what I was talking about.
A/N Seriously guys, I'm sorry I suck so bad. I've been working on this chapter for over a week. I feel really bad to anyone who's actually reading this because I am the worst at updating ever. Anyway...... If you're reading this I love you.<3 Let me know what you think. Feel free to give me any suggestions on how I could make it better for you guys or just let me know what you think. Thankssss for reading my story lovelies!!!!!<3 xxx