My brother saw the scars on my wrists and my hands that afternoon when we got home from school, he wasn't upset at all. He just began laughing at me as he said "Wow. You really are an attention seeking whore."
I completely froze while taking in what he actually just said to me. I thought older brothers were supposed to protect their little sisters from anything and everything. But no. That's not how it is for me. He makes fun of me relentlessly. I can't remember the last time a day went by where he didn't say something that brought me to tears. I then slowly turned around and said "For your information, I haven't ever kissed anyone so you really shouldn't be calling me a whore."
He always had something else to say so then he shot back with "Excuse me then. I meant attention seeking frigid bitch."
He walked away laughing as I stood on the staircase, I felt the tears sting in my eyes as I whispered to myself "I'm not frigid. It's just that no one will ever love me." I slowly pulled myself into my room where I could cry without any judgement from anyone except myself. I lay in my bed with the covers pulled over my head choking on my sobs.
I decided I needed to go into my bathroom to get some Tylenol for my headache, but when I tipped the bottle up to get 2 pills out all the pills fell into my hand. I stood there for about two minutes thinking how I could end all of it right now if I just took them all and went to sleep. It would just be like going to bed, the only difference is that I would never wake up. I was so close to taking all the pills that I just threw them all in the toilet and quickly flushed them and ran to my bed.
I still had the worst headache and it was only getting worse as I layed on my bed hysterically sobbing. I knew my brother had left because he made a point to insult me over our houses P.A. system before he left to have sex, drink and smoke weed in his trashy girlfriend's basement. And I knew my parents were gone for the next three months because last night at dinner my mom told the two of us that she and my dad would be gone on a vacation. Her exact words were "I'm sorry Jackson but your father and I will be leaving for awhile. We know that you will be just fine taking care of yourself. We just need a break from Lina. We are sick of playing her little games. There is absolutely no reason for her to be like this." They always did this. Talked about me at the dinner table like I wasn't even sitting across from them.
I sat on my bed crying for hours thinking of all the times when they made me feel worthless. It's not only my family who does it to me though. I go to school and all the girls treat me like shit. They push me up against lockers, purposely spill things on me and even ask me why I'm alive.
I only have one friend. And as I think this my phone vibrates, and it's a text from my one friend Niall saying Why are you crying? :( I type back saying how do u know?
After I sent this I see that I must've butt dialed him while I was crying and see that we're still on the line, so I put my phone to my ear and say "I see how you know now. Would you mind coming over?"
He replies with "I'm already here but the door is locked so you're going have to come open it for me." I hung up and ran down the stairs.
I love Niall so much. He always came rushing over when I needed him. I got to the door and opened it, as soon as I did I fell into his arms crying. He pulled me in close and managed to shut the door and bring me to the couch without letting go of me. He ran his fingers through my hair and drew circles on my back while I cried and he just waited until I was ready to talk. Niall knew everything about me, he knew about my depression, he knew about me cutting, the only thing he didn't know was that I have considered suicide.
When I had finally caught my breath enough so I could tell him what happened, I told him. I started by telling him what had happened this afternoon but then I told about all the other times I almost did it. When I finished telling him I looked up and he was crying.
He choked on a sob right before he said "Lina, it hurts me so much to hear that you have thought of this but it hurts me so much more to think that you have thought about it and kept it to yourself. I hate to see you in pain. Please promise me that you will come to me next time. I will always be here for you no matter what. I can't imagine my world without you Lina. You are the only person I have left"
Two years earlier Niall's parents and brother died in a house fire while he was visiting his grandparents in the hospital. HIs grandparents died later that night. Now he lives in an apartment by himself so we can pretty much be together whenever.
He pulled me into a tight hug and I whispered into his chest "I promise Niall" He whispered into my hair " I love you Lina" I whispered back I love you too. Niall stayed at my house all night and we just talked and cried and hugged each other all night. The easiest part of mine and Niall's friendship was that we didn't even have to say a word but we always knew what the other one was thinkning. We ended up falling asleep holding each other during some point of the movie The Notebook.