That was a lot to handle in just one chapter, wasn't it? Trust me, I know. I would like to say that it was all just a dream and that none of that was real. I would like to just leave it at that cliffhanger and take you years ahead into the future where everything is okay again.
But I can't do that! Because one thing that I need to say is that when things get tough, it's about being able to pick ourselves back up. It's about carrying on and doing our best to keep calm.
That's why this chapter is called Keep Calm and Carry On! I know that it sounds like one of those memes that your friends might tag you in on Facebook. But as Adam has told me time and time again, there is hidden wisdom behind many of those memes.
So far you have seen me freaking out over so many different situations that would generally make a person want to curl up and die... But, before I tell you just how I reacted, let me first take you back to that grueling moment of Hipster Blues Brother's proposal.
He has just asked those words that make me want to run away in fright. He shows me that chunky-ass ring and every face in the hall is on me, which includes, most importantly the faces of my parents.
They are hopeful that I might have found 'the one' and he is proposing to me right in front of them. Don't forget that this is all happening only hours after I have just learned that my mother has six months to live. Luis does not yet know this news.
Here's what I do...
I stare into those brown eyes of my Hipster Blues Brother of a fake boyfriend and then I glance over at my delicious glass of red wine... I know that it's delicious because my current state of shock has forced me to consume four glasses already.
I shoot back the entire contents of my glass of red in one long mouthful and then I smile over at Luis. I am left with only one option...
"What the hell!" I say loud enough for everybody in the silent hall to hear, "Yes! Of course, I'll marry you!" There it is! His shock proposal and my shocking answer.
At that moment, I do not know if he was aware that I would say 'yes' as the look on his face reveals nothing but bewilderment.
But honestly... I'm done caring!
He places the ring on my finger nervously and now we are both standing up at the table beside my parents.
The entire hall is delivering one very large round of applause and to seal the deal I pull my now fake fiance's face close to mine and leave one hell of a kiss on his lips.
I get that when we laid down the ground rules of our plan we said that PDA would be a 'play-it-by-ear' deal and right now we have no choice on the matter. Besides, I have to give it to him, for a gay guy he sure knows how to kiss!
One of his hands is cupping my cheek while the other is wrapped around my waist. He's even gone with the perfect amount of tongue.
Both my arms are wrapped tightly around his body. Finally, I pull my lips away from his and flash him a large smile as he just stands there with a sheer look of disbelief across his face.
This new elevation of our fake relationship has left a lasting impression on all of the guests, but the enjoyment that it sparks makes it entirely worth it... but unfortunately what comes up will always come down.
As the evening progresses, I lose count of how many glasses of wine that I consume and I notice that my fake fiancé has also taken to drinking his frustrations away. I notice a minor crack in his façade. He patiently excuses himself and steps outside for some fresh air.
Might I add, that right now no amount of alcohol has managed to subdue my misery from the news that my mother is dying? So of course, I follow him outside and into the garden where the air is bitter-sweet and seemingly full of clarity.
"Hey fake fiance," I say, not realizing how loud I am speaking until his hand is against my lips.
"Shush, don't speak so loud," he tells me. He holds my hand and we make our way to a deserted spot in the gardens where we assume that we cannot be overheard and sit down on the grass.
To my surprise, Luis puts his arm around my shoulder and says: "I can't keep doing this."
"Doing what?" I ask him, entirely oblivious to what he is talking about.
"I shouldn't have proposed to you," he finally says. "I got a little carried away and I need to be honest with you... Hell, you only just found out what I do! Nicole, I need to tell you something..."
"Yeah, you kind of did get a little carried away," I reply.
There is no doubt about it. This is certainly one hell of a mess, that we have gotten ourselves into. Sure, Adam devised the entire plan but the pair of us are both adults and we chose to go along with it from the beginning.
But regardless of what he has to tell me, my mind is currently elsewhere.
"My mother's dying..." I tell him, quicker than he can say just what he was hoping to tell me from the start.
"What did you just say?" he asks me.
I am still in disbelief as I speak these words: "She has cancer, they just told me this afternoon and I have been putting off telling Adam. I'm so sorry to bring you into all of this... we only just met and everything seems to be getting out of hand..."
"I'm so sorry to hear that," he says. There is a deep sympathy within his tone. Why is it that whenever you tell people news like this they always say that they are sorry?
It's not like it's their fault or anything. It's not like an apology can make it all better. What does 'I'm sorry' even mean? Like, are they sorry that they can't do anything to change things?
Are they sorry that their existence made it happen? Because that notion is ridiculous! I'm not telling him because I think that he can make a difference.
I'm telling him because I don't know what to do with that news. I don't know what I can do to change the fact that my mother is terminally ill.
I am telling him because I feel the need to tell somebody and if Adam were here, he would be the person that I would be talking to. But instead, I'm telling a guy who is nothing more than an escort that Adam asked to play a role.
A guy who I just vomited on in the middle of a New York City cafe yesterday.
"So, do we tell them the truth?" Luis asks me. "Do we tell them that this was all just some scheme of Adam's that he came up with because of the pressure? Just something we decided to play along with?"
As he asks me that question, I really don't know the answer. I wish I did. We are stuck at a crossroad. If we tell them the truth, then we risk breaking their hearts and destroying the happiness of others, as fake as it may be.
Before I can give him an answer there is the sudden clearing of a throat from behind, making us both jump. We turn to see the face of the person who has heard our entire conversation and for a brief moment, we feel the ground disappear from beneath us.
My father emerges from the darkness and into the light of the garden lanterns that are surrounding us.
"Dad!" I stammer. He has clearly been drinking a lot and crying. Neither one of us has any idea just how much of our conversation he has heard.
"You keep up the charade!" he tells us.
"We what?" I stammer.
"Sir?" Luis asks. Luis and I are both frozen. Clearly, he heard the whole thing. Is he kidding?
My dad crouches down in front of us and speaks so low that we have to focus just to hear him. "This illness has been hard on your mother," he says. "You have no idea how miserable she has been. Nothing has been making her happy... that was until she found out that you found someone to make you happy long after she passes. You need to keep up this charade. I get that I am asking a lot. I understand that I sound selfish... but your mother... I love her and I need to see her happy for the last few months of her life. I need you to do this for me. Do this for her..."
I feel like a ton of bricks have come toppling down on me. I have always believed in honesty being the best policy. It was because of this man that I have always believed that the truth would set you free. But here he was... my father telling me to lie and to keep up this charade.
What does someone do with that? Is it selfish to lie for the benefit of someone else who only wants the ones they love to be happy?
I feel my mouth go dry and I look up at Luis. This impacts him too. He looks at me and then back at my father, clearly thinking the same as I.
"What do you think?" he asks me. "We're both involved in this..."
"I was about to ask you the same thing..." I manage to say.
My father is pleading with his eyes. I know that we do not have a choice in the matter.
"Okay," Luis and I both say in defeat. There is a glimmer of hope in my father's eyes. But for some reason, this feels like the worst plan that I have ever had to partake in.
For a person who always believes in doing what is right, I am currently at a moral conundrum. But then, whoever said that life was easy?
My father, who never cries, wipes away a few tears and then instantly launches onto me, hugging me tightly as if I am his final resort.
I hear him sobbing in my ear and for the first time in my life, I am bearing witness to my father who has become nothing more than a broken man. He is clutching at straws to keep his dying wife happy.
Growing up under the care of a nanny and the staff, while he was always away on business and my mother was always at some event or another, never would I have ever imagined seeing him this way.
I feel the moment that he brings Luis into the hug and I know that it has surprised him too. The hug lasts for a long while until my father finally stands tall again and brushes the tears from his face.
"I guess as you youngsters would say," he finally says with a fixed tone, "we need to keep calm and carry on... Come inside and join the rest of us when you are ready."
As my father leaves the two of us sitting in the garden, neither one of us knows just what to say. This was the last thing that we were expecting to happen.
For the first time in a while, I feel sober. Even after the amount of wine that I have consumed. It's almost as if this entire conversation has sucked all the alcohol from my very body.
I want to tell Luis that I am sorry for dragging him into this mess. He doesn't deserve to be dragged into any of this. But here he is right in the very pit of it sitting right beside me.
I suddenly remember just what brought us out here in the first place and say: "I'm sorry. Before all of this... Well, everything that has happened... You said that you wanted to tell me something."
For a while, he just sits there observing my expression as if he is trying to muster up the courage to tell me something important. But then with a flick of his hair, he changes his expression and says: "Maybe we should just go and join the rest of the party."
I nod as he stands up. He reaches out for my hand and I let him assist me to stand. Together, we join the rest of the party, doing our best to keep up our most recent charade. That we are engaged to be married.
When the party is finally over we retire back to our room silently. For the first time in a long time, I put on a pair of pajamas before crawling into bed. The lamp on my side is dimly lit.
He crawls in alongside me and we both just stare blankly at the dim ceiling.
"I'm sorry that you've been brought into all of this," I finally say after a long silent moment.
He turns his entire body to face me, as I turn mine to face him. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he replies. "I'm sorry I never told you who I really was. But I want to be honest, I want to tell you everything including why Adam picked me... I need you to let me tell you..."
That right there... What he is trying to say... Well, I should have just let him tell me. This was the moment that I should have listened to him. And I guess that that makes me just as much to blame... Because I didn't let him finish his conversation either time tonight.
And that is because, at that moment, I really didn't want to hear what he had to say. Any other time, I would have listened to him. I wouldn't have just cut him off where I did.
But for the first time in my life, I was silently admitting to myself that I was scared to go through something alone. I know now, that it's okay to need people, other than Adam.
It's okay to rely on people. I think that moment, right there... in that bed with Luis, well, it was the first time that I actually saw somebody that I could rely on. So whatever he had to say... At that moment, I needed him to save it. To hide that truth from me for just a little while longer.
I just needed him to be there for me. Because sometimes, that's all we need.
So, I bring my hand to his mouth, stopping him mid-sentence and I say: "Please... whatever it is. I don't need to hear it. I just need you to hold me." Luis stops speaking as I begin to cry softly. He shuffles in close to me, holding me tight, stroking my hair until I eventually fall asleep.