Now, I know that I have said that already. But it's true... However, this whole fake dating plan, well, it's based on lies. And not just those little white lies we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better, but big fat lies which only get bigger and bigger and just like our alcohol and stress explosion, are also set to blow up like large mushroom clouds.
Queue special explosion effects? No? Dammit! Well, you get the hint!
While we are on the talk of explosions, there will be more alcohol-stress fueled explosions coming up too... Because, you know... Karma's a bitch!
Where was I? Oh yes, lies... and how up until this point in my life I have always been a strong advocate for the truth... Even if the truth sucks!
Now, two major events happen in this chapter. There is one truth... and there is one lie!
So, why don't we make it fun... You guess which major event is the lie and which major event is the truth and I will tell you at the end of this chapter if you are correct. Okay, let's begin...
So, when I last left our sexy sassy heroine... myself, and that Hipster Blues Brother aka Luis... I'd like to say, Diaz? I'm pretty sure that's his last name... Oh, it is? Okay, good!
I had just spoken to Jaime on the phone. While Jaime may not know what he did wrong by getting my car removed from the impound lot, I should really explain why I was angry at him.
You see, in this world, nobody does anything for nothing. I have always believed that if someone does a favor for you... you owe them!
And if they say that you don't owe them... Then you most certainly do owe them! The last face-to-face encounter that I had with Jaime was when I was telling him that I am not ready for a relationship at this point in time...
So, him doing something so big as retrieving my car from the impound lot... that is a big favor!
You see, over time I have racked up a whole lot of parking tickets for parking in the wrong places in New York... It's not my fault, they should just make more parking spots! But still, it was just a matter of time before they took my car away.
Now, I don't know who that rockstar screwed or paid to get my vehicle out of car prison... but technically, he was putting his own job on the line, for someone he only had a one night stand with.
I stand by my verdict when I say, that he shouldn't have done it.
I can fight my own battles and I really don't need a relationship with a guy who wants to fix my battles... Real relationships, I mean... This thing with Hipster Blues Brother is strictly fake! Strictly...
Remember, that this is a plan to hold off the judgment that I receive from my parents, who expect Adam to all of a sudden, just stop being gay and marry me... Oh, if life was that simple!
Currently, Hipster Blues Brother, would you believe, is making himself at home in my parent's kitchen. He has a knack for doing that, while I have a knack for always doing the wrong thing no matter where I am... As you have seen.
Somehow the jerk has convinced my parents to let him pick the main course for tonight's anniversary dinner... And my parents, who seem to be taken in by his natural charisma, are letting him try out a recipe.
While I am sitting on the counter, out of the way, fiddling with my phone and messaging Adam all about that crime that Officer Rockstar committed with my car.
The current display that is going on in my parents' kitchen is like something that you would see in a movie. Luis is getting my parents to taste test some creamy mushroom sauce that he has made in their stainless steel cooking pot.
"Nicole, your boyfriend is an amazing chef!" my mother calls out. "Now I understand why you don't need us to hire you a personal cook..." She then turns to my fake boyfriend and tells him about all those times that I have been eating take-away pizzas when she has called.
"I'm just relieved that she will not die from high cholesterol," my mother adds.
I look up in horror. Yeah, I know that I cannot cook. There is that snippet of my real mother coming out of that mask. But then, I don't that think my mother has ever cooked a day in her life either, so look who's talking!
I get back to texting Adam when I am startled by Luis offering me a taste of the creamy mushroom sauce from the wooden spoon.
"No thanks," I say.
"Oh come on, try it! I think you'll like it," he tells me.
I stare up at him, it's an eye-contact showdown to the death, but as I am distracted, he pops the wooden spoon in my mouth. What do you know? The sauce actually tastes good.
But still, that jerk just crossed a line, by feeding me without my consent! I am ready to let him have an ear full right then and there but my parents are watching.
They already pick up on the tense moment between us. My mother is waiting to see if I will completely lose my shit.
My father looks like he is ready to cross-examine witnesses... The witnesses being Luis and me. Dammit! The ear full will have to wait until later.
"Mmm," I say while licking my lips. "That's pretty good. Where did you learn that recipe, honey?" I smirk at him as I label him with the pet name.
"At work, baby!" he replies, with that same devious grin.
Our war is still on! Those brief moments where we got along fine were just brief pauses in this battle. Prepare for the next round...
"I guess my mother is right, at least our kids won't have to be raised up on junk food..." I say, holding his steely gaze.
My parents cannot see his face. Which is good, because they cannot see that hidden fear that I see written across his face, that I instilled in him by mentioning the word 'kids'.
He is studying me, trying to determine just what to say next. But before he can, my victory has been taken away by the excitement on my parents' faces, which is catastrophic!
"Oh my god, Sam! Did she just say 'kids'? I can barely breathe!" My mother exclaims excitedly. That does it, my parents are in absolute delight, entirely oblivious to the shock on both our faces.
From out of nowhere, Luis comes out with: "I guess that's a good thing then."
He leans forward and kisses me on the forehead muttering the words, "Well played, but just wait for what I have planned next..."
While I can pull my victory from that minor win, I am feeling sick to my stomach with this lie. My parents are far too excited for my liking. Unfortunately, neither one of us can abort the mission now.
Maybe we should start planning a break up while we are ahead. We're beginning to play with fire here.
"Oh, I forgot!" Luis says loudly as he releases me again. "I have a few errands to run while we're here in LA!"
Errands? He never mentioned any errands! Maybe this has something to do with his mysterious job, I wonder.
"Do you need me to go with you?" I ask him.
"No, babe... You should stay here with your parents. While you were in the shower I arranged for George to take me."
He's on a first name basis and gets access to the limo driver? Who allowed for this? Seriously! and my parents are just letting him do this? What the hell!
"Hey, Luis? After you run those errands, would you mind helping me pick out a suit for tonight's anniversary dinner?" My dad asks.
Good! At least he is getting suspicious. My father has always been the best judge of character.
"Absolutely, Mr. Andrews!" Luis replies.
"Please, call me Sam!" my father says.
What the fuck? No! Dad, you should be suspicious! This guy is gay for god's sake! My phone beeps loudly as I receive a message from Adam.
"Is that Adam?" Luis asks, "say hi for me." Luis gives me another kiss on the forehead, says 'goodbye' to my parents and leaves me in the kitchen with them. They are just looking at me with those giddy smiles on their faces.
"I like him!" my mother says excitedly. "He's perfect for you!" I smile politely and send my reply to Adam.
"Nicole," my father starts, "Do you mind joining us in my office? There's something that we need to discuss with you."
There is a solemnness to his tone. This must be it! The thing that he has been hiding from me. I obediently climb down off the bench.
"We shouldn't talk to her about this right now," my mother says.
"No, mom... it's fine!" I say, "I've been wondering why you guys have been acting so differently lately."
I follow them to my father's study. Both my father and my mother sit down on the brown leather couch across from me. There is a bond between them that I have never seen before.
Uh oh! They're getting divorced! They're broke! It's bad! My dad shuffles unsteadily in his seat, but my mother keeps a tall posture.
Her dark hair swept back. Her green eyes that mirror my own painted with thick makeup and her freshly manicured nails always show such perfection.
Neither one of them knows where to begin. So I start. "You needed to talk to me?"
Crap, they saw through our plan... They know that Luis and I are fake dating! My father clears his throat, but there is an uneasiness to him. Something I have never seen before. I can see the stress on his face, he has certainly seen better days.
"Nicole," he begins. He clears his throat again. "I need to say first of all, that I am glad that you have finally met someone who makes you happy..."
"About that..." I stammer. I am ready to confess the entire story.
"Please, Nicole... You need to listen to him!" My mother says. Okay, it's grave! I wait for him to continue.
"As I said, I'm glad that you have found Luis," he says. "He really does love you... There is nothing that your mother and I have ever wanted more. It's good to know that you will have someone there to stand by your side after we... well, after we die."
He said the word 'die'! Oh my god! My father is dying! No! No! No!
My mother's voice cuts into my thoughts, as she says: "While we always thought you would marry Adam..."
I can't help myself as I interrupt her. My anger is getting the better of me!
"Seriously, mom!" I snap as I get to my feet, "Dad is trying to tell me that he is dying and you pick this moment to bring up this crap about Adam? Do you want to know why he hasn't come here? Because he is fed up that you always refer to him being gay as just a phase! Face it, mom! He loves men! We will never get married! We will never have kids and we are both so over your judgment on this situation!"
Did I just snap at my mother like that? Yeah... I did. But wait, there's more!
My father instantly gets to his feet angrily.
His voice is booming down at me as he yells. "You will never talk to your mother like that again! It's not me that is dying, it is her! She has cancer!"
Oh shit! Yeah... I know. Worst daughter in the world award goes to me, and it gets worse... My entire body freezes. I can barely move. I mutter the words "I'm sorry" and "how long?" but I can barely hear them coming forth from my lips.
I am once again aware of my heart beating in my chest. What do I do? What do they do?
They must have heard me speak as my mother replies with: "The doctor believes that I have six months at best, left."
I am now sitting back down on the leather couch. There are tears in my eyes, I cannot help it. "So find another doctor then!" I say.
"We've been through so many doctors already." My father replies. "This is why we picked you up from the airport this morning, it is why we are doing our best to do things as a family and it is why we are so fortunate that you have found Luis when you have."
My mouth has gone dry. There will be no confessing our fake relationship at this point. Have you ever emotionally felt the moment when your whole life has just been poured down the drain? Well, that's how I felt.
The sobs come naturally to me. That strong independent girl that I like to believe that I am. Well, those walls have all just come crashing down.
I look up at my mother. How can someone who looks so strong in the face of adversity actually be this broken, on the inside? Well, at least I know where I get it from...
So the rest of the afternoon was spent with tears and then somehow, just as my parents did, I had to muster the courage to pull on a brave face for their anniversary dinner.
Luis and my father enjoyed a little quality bonding time, while my mother continued to bark out orders at the decorators. You know the whole 'that centerpiece isn't in the center.' 'Those flowers are the wrong color'. That kind of stuff.
At one stage I felt the temptation to message Adam, but I didn't know how to bring myself to tell him. So, I figured that I would leave it for now. It would be best if I told him when I got back to New York.
Observing the light humored bonding between my father and Luis, it was made evidently clear that my father had not yet told him either. But, this is where things get dicey.
If I were to tell Luis just what was going on, that would make things real... and as I keep saying... this is a fake relationship. So none of this can be real.
I dare say, that I am currently in shock and time is going by just so fast for me. It feels like the world is spinning and there is nothing that I can do to change it.
We are now at my parents' anniversary dinner. My father is making a toast and Luis is sitting right beside me. The entire hall is filled with happy faces, even my parents look happy at this point.
Luis has already noticed my closed body language and has tried countless times to ask me what the problem is, but I cannot tell him. The words will not come.
I listen to my father's speech. For such a long time he has always been so great with words. He wants to tell everybody the sad news.
He knows that he has to... But, he can't. He sees the happiness in everybody's eyes and as he goes to take that happiness away, my mother who is sitting beside him takes a hold of his hand.
It is a simple gesture, but as he looks down at her, I know that he understands her.
She is mentally asking him not to tell their guests that she is dying. She wants to keep the happiness alive.
Instead, she takes over the speech and stands up. "As most of you will have noticed, our daughter arrived this morning. Normally, she would be accompanied by her best friend Adam, but this time... She has someone very special with her. Not that Adam isn't special in his own way. He is like a son to us... But Luis, well... At first when he called Sam and I it was a bit of a shock to us that she actually had a boyfriend that she was willing to bring home. But then, he warmed his way into our hearts... and something tells me that he is here to stay! Some of you may actually recognize him... He is quite the entrepreneur when it comes to hospitality and a world-renowned chef, no less..."
There is a round of an applause as I realize just what my mother has said. Luis Diaz is a world-renowned chef. What? How did I not know this? Because the name Luis Diaz is such a common name! That's why!
Luis stands up and hugs my mother from over my shoulders as I instantly start googling my fake boyfriend. Shit! Shit! Shit! How did I not do my homework on him earlier?
But fortunately, there's nothing on his private life that will trip us up. I place my phone face down on the table and stare at him angrily as my mother releases him from her warm embrace.
"Can I make a speech?" he whispers to my mother.
"Absolutely!" she says.
Oh shit! He is totally improvising. I grab him by the hand, hoping that he will not make things worse than they already are. But he just ignores me and begins his speech.
"Wow, thirty-five years is a long time to be married!" he says happily. "So, I would love to just say thank you for having me here and thank you for bringing up such an amazing daughter! She is strong, determined, beautiful and she makes for a real laugh..."
Oh crap, where is this speech going? Shut up Hipster Blues Brother! Shut up, now!
Everybody is smiling at me. He grabs my hand and now addresses me. "Baby, earlier on when you spoke about having children... well, I knew that I had found my perfect match, my partner in crime... The love of my life... Will you..."
Oh god no! Don't ask me! He puts his hand into his black suit jacket and pulls out a small red velvet box.
"...Marry me?" with those last two words he opens the box in front of me.
There is a beautiful engagement ring, which is clearly very expensive, it is encrusted with fat diamonds... fat just like the lie of our relationship.
Dude, I didn't even know that this guy was a well-renowned chef until this minute. I just found out that my mother is dying and now he is proposing to me.
Abort mission, Nicky! Abort the mission! I look up at my parents who are currently in their glory as if this is the most magical moment of their life.
I remember my mother silently pleading with my father to not tell their guests that she is dying. To let them have their happiness.
Remember the name of this chapter? Honesty is always the best policy! Do you remember where I said that I would give you one truth and one lie?
Well, the lie is that I lied... There are actually two truths in this chapter. The first one is that yes, my mother is dying from cancer and that yes my well-renowned chef of a fake boyfriend is currently proposing to me in front of everybody...
So, what do I do?