Dean was sitting at the kitchen table with his head leaning on the palm of his hands. He was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear him come in.
« Hello, Dean ».
He startled and almost spilled the content of his mug.
« Dammit, Cass... You know I hate it when you do that! » he said, straightening his back.
Castiel put out a smile, although he was in pain and holding his ribs.
« How are you holding up? »
« Just fine » Castiel headed for the coffee machine.
« Sit down... I'll take care of it » Dean said as he rose from his chair.
« Dean » Castiel turned around and looked daggers at him.
« That's enough. I told you I'm fine. So gimme a break and let me do this by myself, ok? »
« But... »
« SIT DOWN! » Castiel ordered him, frowning.
« All right, chill out » Dean grumbled.
Castiel poured himself some coffee and sat on the chair facing Dean. He couldn't help wincing. Dean stared at him.
Castiel had been released about a week before. Dr Gabriel was pleased with the clinical course and had authorized his patient to go back home provided he would avoid all unnecessary efforts for a while.
Castiel promised he'd rather comply with any recommendation than stay one more week in this hospital room... Besides, Dean had sworn to look after him.
« I don't doubt it for a second» the doctor had replied with a smile.
Castiel was working as a computer specialist. Thus, he managed to reorganize his working time and work from home on minor projects... Greg came every other day, or set up video conferences. No matter what, since the aggression, he was feeling guilty.
The men who had brutally assaulted his friend and colleague had managed to attend the exhibition without clearance. He was mad at himself for lacking attention and for the consequences it had entailed.
Castiel tried to convince him it wasn't his fault, yet Greg was worrying sick.
Besides, the police investigation was leading nowhere. A first name, a few descriptions were obviously not enough to build up a case. The police officers suggested that the perpetrators were most probably from out of town.
« Sounds like you don't give a shit » Dean was really pissed.
« Mr Winchester, rest assured that we are doing everything we can to find them ; you need to be aware that we are dealing with dozens of cases like this every week.»
« That's because you suck at doing your job properly... When I fix a car, it doesn't show up again the week after. »
Castiel did his best to calm him down, in vain; Dean was furious. Mad at the police but also mad at Castiel who seemed to step back a bit too much.
« Dammit Cass! They could've killed you!... The next victim may not be so lucky... We can't just sit there and do nothing about it ! »
Dean watched him sip his coffee. Since the aggression, Castiel's eyes were often out of focus and Dean didn't like it. He wanted his friend start talking, expressing what he was felt inside, but Castiel was inevitably responding that he was fine. And the more he said it, the more Dean was convinced otherwise.
He finally mentioned it to Balty, but the latter didn't get more response from his friend. Castiel would simply refuse to talk, period.
The only information they knew about the assault was in the police report they'd read; the rest was lost somewhere in their friend's empty eyes.
The only moments there seemed to be a shining light on his face was when the children were around, most probably because they were behaving with him as if nothing happened: Chadwick, because he was willingly hiding his feelings, which Dean didn't like at all; and Jewel because Castiel was back home and in her mind, everything was back to normal.
Jo kept driving the children to school, as Castiel couldn't drive yet.
She was feeling helpless, as a witness to the heavy silence that was undermining the bond within this ordinary family.
She encouraged Bobby to spend the next week-end with them.
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Dean caught him in a private conversation with Castiel more than once, and in those moments, he could see a faint smile on Castiel's lips.
« Bobby... How is he doing? What did he tell you? » Dean questioned him, feeling completely lost.
« My boy, you need to learn that a frontal attack isn't necessarily the best attitude to solve a problem... Castiel just went through an ordeal that hurt more than his body... If they had attacked him to rob him or because of a wrong word, he would have recovered already... He was assaulted because of what he is... because of his choices... He is both afraid and angry... He needs time to figure it all out... Speak with him about everything except this subject and you'll see that he will open up, because he won't be able to keep the distress locked inside for much longer... Trust me... Let him breathe... He knows he can count on you, he isn't just ready yet, got it? »
« I can't stand watching him sinking like this, Bobby » he said, looking down.
« I believe Castiel isn't the only one who needs to talk... » He looked at Chadwick who was playing with Apache.
« I know... But he's as secretive as Cass »
« Just as you are, for all that matters. »
« Come again? »
« Don't try to fool me Dean, OK ? »
« I'm so tired, Bobby » he said, leaning on the doorway.
« I know, Son » he replied, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.
« Why don't you come over next week-end ? To take your mind off things... »
« Yeah... Maybe... I'll think about it »
« There's nothing to think about!... I'll deal with Castiel and convince him to come »
« Bobby »
« Don't you -Bobby- me... Either you come to my place or I'll drag your sorry ass myself»
« Drag what, Uncle Bobby? » Jewel asked as she joined them in the kitchen.
« Would you like to come over next week-end? »
The little girl's eyes started to sparkle.
« Will I see Sally's baby? »
« Yes, you'll see Sally's baby. »
« That's great! » she said as she jumped in excitement. Jewel seemed to be the only one to be rejoice.
Chadwick barely asked whether Apache would be part of the team.
Bobby had to try four times before Castiel finally accepted his invitation.
Balty wouldn't be part of the journey... He had to work.
« I'd like to point out that I don't make a living with my gorgeous body only, unlike certain people like to imagine » he argued with a wink at Dean.
« Who ever talked about a gorgeous body? » Dean snapped back, wide-eyed.
« If you want, I can show you my beautiful body right now » he said as he started to undress and get rid of his shoes, launching them across the room.
For the first time in weeks, there were laughters in the house. Even Castiel couldn't resist smiling at his lover's ramblings.
Later that day, Balty sat next to Castiel on the couch, in his apartment.
« Why don't you talk to me, Baby? » He said, taking him in his embrace.
« Because there's nothing to say » Castiel answered in his low voice.
Balty kissed him on the forehead as he gently forced him to lay down.
« If I can't make you speak to me, at least let me make you scream » he smiled as he unbuttoned his pants and lowered his hand towards his crotch.
« Balty...No » he said, raising his chin. « Not tonight... All I want right now is to be in your arms» Castiel's eyes were pleading.
« As you wish, Babe » Though Balty's voice was filled with anxiety.
« Cassie ? » He started as he laid down next to him with precaution, trying not to hurt him.
« Hmmm»
« Did they ... I mean... they... » He had to know the truth, but he was scared to hear the answer.
« No, Balty »
« Can you swear it ? »
« I swear »
« On the children's head? »
« Balty... What did I tell you about this ? » He smiled a faint smile.
« I beg you, Cassie, swear on their lives » Anxiety filled his eyes.
« I swear on the children's lives » he sworn with a kiss.
« If they had, I'd have hunted them across the Earth and made them eat their own balls. I swear on my life »
« Is that how much you value your own life ? » Castiel was trying to be a little ironic.
« It's not funny »
« I know » Castiel's smile was now filled with sadness again.
They remained silent for a while.
« I changed my mind. Why don't you try to make me scream ? » he said as he planted a butterfly kiss on his lips.
Balty rose on one elbow.
« Cassie ? »
« I want it, Balty... I swear I do » he caressed his cheek.
Castiel let Balty love him and when he reached his own climax, something broke down deep inside, he didn't scream, he just allowed one tear run down his face.
Balty cradled him until Castiel finally fell asleep in his arms.
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He woke up early in the morning; he wanted to speak to Dean... He knew he was anxious too about what happened.
« Dean »
« Balty ? Early bird today! Want some coffee? »
« Yeah, thanks. I have an appointment at 10 a.m.. I just wanted to talk to you before leaving. »
Balty saw in Dean's eyes he knew what was coming.
He told him about the previous night and saw Dean was relieved to hear about a certain thing...
« Dammit !» he said, leaning on the back of his chair. « Thanks, Balty »
« I've never felt so afraid in my whole life while waiting for an answer » the latter said, staring at his coffee cup.
« Balty? »
« Yes ?» he raised his eyes
« Why don't you tell him? »
« Tell him what ? »
« That you love him, you jerk ! »
Balty would have loved to make fun on the subject, as he was used to, but this time, his heart wasn't really up to it.
« He deserves someone better than me...I'm not the faithful type, I'm addicted to sex and all the fun with different types of pleasures and partners... I guess that's me, right ? »
« But you do love him, do you ? »
He had this little nervous giggle.
« In my own way... Sounds silly, doesn't it ? » He sighed.
« No... It's just... a pity. »
They stared at each other. Balty was about to tell him the whole truth but somehow he managed to keep it for himself.
« He's the one-man kind of guy» he just said.
« Sounds weird, put it like that » Dean smiled and drank his coffee.
« Idiot ! » Balty thought, staring at him.
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Bobby's farm wasn't such a big compound. He had a henhouse, a few cows, a bull and an old retired draft horse. He also had a corn field stretching up the hills surrounding the valley.
Dean parked the Impala in front of the house. Jack, the old Rottweiler barked a happy welcome and suddenly froze the moment it saw Apache jumping out of the car.
Dean watched as the dogs ran away together... He looked at the vast landscape in front of him and smiled. He was a genuine city boy, but on occasions he enjoyed spending time at Bobby's farm... Like an echo of the teenager he once was.
The door opened and the old man stepped out to greet them.
« How was your trip ? »
« Nice... » Dean said as he helped Castiel step out of the car.
He'd felt the pain waking up in his ribs during the trip, but hadn't complained although Dean could see it on his face.
« Are you OK ? »
« I'm fine » he replied as he leaned on Dean's arm for a brief moment.
Dean watched him walk the steps and sighed. Castiel had been a lot quieter lately. Dean was about to burst out and thought he owed Bobby a lot for inviting them for the week-end... He looked at the far away hills and promised himself he would go to the top the next day, to clear his head. He needed it.
Jewel woke him up from his reverie.
« Daddy... Can you help me get my suitcase ? And then I can go with Bobby to see Sally's baby.»
Sally was Bobby's favorite cow, his eldest dairy cow. She had recently given birth and Jewel was eager to see the newborn.
It was a female and Bobby had asked Jewel to find a name for her as she was its official godmother. The little girl had been thinking about it the whole week and although she had an idea, she wouldn't tell anyone yet.
Surprisingly, Chadwick seemed to enjoy being at the farm, because the tension he felt at home was more than he could bear since Castiel's return.
Dean watched him walk to the house and slowly climb the steps. Bobby was also watching the boy and saw the contained anger in his eyes. He nibbled his lip. This family was losing its way and he made the wish that they would enjoy the week-end together and find themselves again.
He even thought of tampering the Impala's engine to force them to stay until everything was said and done...
« Idjit » he grumbled for himself.
Castiel was allocated the room downstairs ; it used to be Jo's room, and sometimes Dean's ; the kids were allocated the one in the attic and Dean was to occupy the spare room on the first floor...
Dean put Castiel's bag on the bed. The latter was standing next to the window, staring outside.
« Do you need anything else? »
« No, Dean, that's all. Thanks » Dean was surprised by the gentle tone of his voice.
« I'd forgotten who beautiful it was here. And peaceful » Castiel said in the same tone.
Dean walked towards him.
« I have wonderful memories of this place... Tomorrow I'll show you a nice spot...I don't think I've shown you that one yet »
« That'd be a good idea»
Dean couldn't help but smile.
« Have I said something funny ? » He frowned.
« No... I'm just happy to be here. With you, Cass. That's all ».
« I'm fine, Dean... So stop worrying about me »
« Sorry...I can't help it... Because I know you better than I'll ever know myself and I know that you're not all right. »
Castiel lowered his eyes.
« I just want you to know that I'll be there if you need me.»
« I know... Thanks, Dean »
Dean stopped when he reached the door and turned around.
« We miss you, Cass... I miss you. »
Castiel heard the door close on Dean and looked up at the hills on the horizon. The tears came out.
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Jewel accompanied Bobby to the stable... She had put on short pants and a pink T-shirt and was running ahead of Bobby.
« Hurry up! »
« Show some respect for an old man, young lady... Don't be so hasty » he said adjusting his cap.
« Have you found a name yet ? »
« No, not yet » she lied, looking down.
« Jewel ! » He grabbed her chin and forced her to look up.
« May I give her Mom's name ? »
Bobby kneeled in front of her and took her by the shoulders.
« That's a great idea, Sweetie. »
« Really ? » She was all smiles.
« Yes, I think it's beautiful... C'mon...Sally is impatient to introduce you to your adoptive protégée» he said as he stood up with difficulty.
Chadwick had changed and joined them in the living room. Dean was sitting in the armchair, sipping a beer. Castiel was installed on the couch, with his back to the door.
« Pa' ? »
« Yes ? »
« Can I go for a ride on my bike ?»
« What time is it ? »
« 5 o'clock »
« Sure, why not, as long as you're back for supper.»
« Cool.... Thanks, Pa'»
« Don't forget your helmet » Castiel added.
For the first time, Dean saw a dark sparkle in his eyes and thought « not him... not that »
Chadwick looked down.
« I'm gonna fetch it » he stood up and left the room.
Castiel knew...
« It's my fault »
« What do you mean ? » Dean couldn't hide his surprise.
« Nothing » he said, leaving the room.
Dean buried his face in his hands... He felt so helpless as he witnessed his family falling apart. His heart was filled with anger, rage, despair. These guys had almost destroyed his friend and as a consequence the house of cards of their lives was tumbling down as well.
Bobby watched him from the entrance hall. Jewel had stayed with Tessa. He had bumped into Chadwick who was heading straight to the hills, the wind whipping against his hair.
« Dean » he started as he slowly walked in.
« My family's gonna collapse, Bobby, and there is nothing I can do about it » Dean said, pulling his hair.
« I swear to God if I ever come across these bastards, I'm gonna kill 'em »
Bobby kneeled in front of Dean and repeated the same gestures he had done with his daughter a few minutes before. Hands on the shoulders, he forced him to look up.
« I forbid you to let go, Dean Winchester... Do you hear me ?... Don't you ever let these two assholes ruin everything, all right ? Do you remember how long you withdrew into yourself after Tessa passed away ?...7 months, Dean... 7 months !.... And you all survived this, more bonded than ever.... This is just one more trial you'll overcome, and you'll be stronger than before... All you need is a bit of patience because he went through a lot and right now, he has no clue as to how to express it... You, more than anyone, should know ; after all, you kept your pain down deep inside for so long»
« Bobby... I don't know what to do anymore.... The way Chad is looking at him... With so much hate... Why ? »
« Because he loves Castiel and he doesn't want to love him anymore... He is afraid... He's scared to death to imagine Castiel could die too and leave him, as his mother did... We don't cry for someone we don't care about, ya know.»
They heard a snap. Dean and Bobby looked at the door. Chadwick was standing there.
« Chad ? » Dean stood up immediately.
« I... I had... I forgot my helmet » the young boy stammered.
« Chad »
« Daddy... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry ! »
Dean took him in his arms in desperation.
« We're gonna make it, Son... Don't worry »
« I want the old Castiel to come back to us... I want him back » the boy cried, holding tight against Dean's chest.
« He's not gone, Chad... He's still here. He's just a little lost but we're there for him. We're gonna help him » Dean said, gently pushing away his son to look at him.
He caressed his boy's tears away.
« Are you up to it ? »
« Yes » the boy nodded.
« I don't want you to keep all this to yourself, Chad... If you need to talk, I'm here and if you don't wanna talk to me, you can talk to Bobby or Jo or John... You needn't suffer in silence... You're my son... Don't you ever forget that... I love you... And I'll always be there for you and your sister. »
« I know, Pa'»
« We're gonna make it » Dean said, pulling him against him again, resting his chin on his boy's head.
Bobby smiled... 2 out of 3.... But the hardest was yet to come....
Castiel had swallowed a couple of painkillers and was sleeping on his bed.
« If I see you again, I'll bleed you to death... » the voice shouted in an echo. The man's face came closer to his and spat in his mouth.
He woke up with a start and winced because of the pain.
Every night or each time he was trying to get some rest, the same nightmare would sneak in over and over again...
There was a knock at the door.
« Come in » he said in a hoarse voice.
« Castiel... Supper's ready, you're coming ? » Chadwick was smiling at him.
« I'll be right there » Castiel returned her smile.
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Jewel talked about nothing but Tessa, Chadwick was telling about his bike trips plan and Dean informed everyone that they wouldn't attend lunch the next day.
« What's your excuse ? » Bobby pretended to be angry.
« I'm gonna take him to my little favorite spot. »
« Are you sure it's reasonable, he's still fragile » Bobby was worried.
« The road isn't that steep and we'll take our time. If it's too hard, we'll turn around... OK? Cass?»
« I'll be fine... I can manage and besides, it'll do me good... I need to take my mind off things and breathe some fresh air »
« And do me a favor, take your medication, capice? » Bobby ordered as he motioned for a mashed potatoes refill.
« That was my intention» Castiel smiled.
« I'll prepare sandwiches to take away... and I can give you an old backpack of mine »
« Thanks Bobby »
« What are we going to do tomorrow, Uncle Bobby? » Jewel asked.
« I'll teach you how to milk a cow and clean the henhouse... How's that? »
« Yessssss, and we'll drive the tractor? »
« If we have time... If not we'll do that on Sunday, I promise »
« I like to come here... We don't come enough» Jewel pouted.
« First, we should be invited more often» Dean's tone was a bit ironic.
« Since when do you need an invitation? And watch your mouth, will you? Or I could start telling stories about you which you wouldn't be proud of... SPIDER IN THE HOLE! »
« Gimme a break, will you ? Because of the lamp reflection, its shadow looked enormous »
« It was a tiny little one no bigger than this» Bobby said to Jewel, showing the tip of his little finger.
« Cut it out! » Dean was a bit pissed.
« He screamed that there was a monster in his room...A monster... that's a joke! »
Jewel started to laugh.
« Go ahead and laugh it up, you morons » He said, dropping his fork in the plate.
« So Dean Winchester is afraid of spiders, huh? » Castiel smiled.
« You too, traitor? Why not, get on with it! »
The rest of the evening was more relaxed... The tension was all gone... Another house, another horizon, another way of looking at everything.
Castiel went to bed first. Then Jewel. Chadwick was playing on his PSP on the stoop, Jack and Apache sitting at his feet... Nothing was disturbing the quiet atmosphere of the evening but the crispy sound of bugs as they hit the lamp.
Dean helped Bobby clean the dishes and the kitchen.
« Thanks »
« What for? »
« For this week-end... For being there for us... it's been a while since I spent such a nice evening... I miss it, Bobby, you have no idea... But tonight, I saw Chadwick and Jewel laughing, I saw a sparkle in Castiel's eyes... You're right, I think we're gonna make it »
« I never doubted it, Son. »
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The morning after, Dean wanted to wake up Castiel and was surprised to see he was already dressed.
« I hate these chickens » he said as he was putting his boots on. « Don't they ever sleep? »
« Probably not » Dean answered with a big smile. « Ready for the day? »
« Yes... Ready as I'll ever be» Castiel replied. He stood up, holding his ribs.
« You sure? »
« Certain » he patted his arm.
« Let's go, Rancher Dean »
Two cups of coffee and several slices of toasted bread later, they were on their way to the hills, looking down the valley.
Bobby watched them leave and adjusted his cap.
They had to pause several time before reaching their final destination. One lacked the exercise, the other one was wounded.
« It's beautiful » Castiel claimed looking at the farm nested down the valley.
« We should come here more often, Jewel's right. »
« Children are often right » Castiel said as he closed his flask.
« Especially mine »
« Yeah, especially ours » Castiel corrected as he stood up from the old root he had used as a bench.
« They love you, you know » Dean whispered.
« Not as much as I love them » Castiel said as he resumed his walk.
They marched for several hours, exchanging a few words during pauses only. Castiel looked more relaxed and for Dean, that was almost enough... It was already more than he had hoped for.
The sun was high in the sky and the temperature was pleasant. The soft breeze blowing across the hill made their ascension easier.
However, Castiel started to make faces a bit more often.
« Let's make a pause and have a bite to eat » Dean proposed.
« Good idea »
They sat on rocks.
« Here you go » he extended a sandwich.
« Don't forget your medication »
« I wish I could stop taking them » Castiel balked.
« A few more days and then you're done with them »
« Obviously. But in the meantime, they remind me of ... » he stopped in the middle of his sentence and looked down.
« What is it, Cass? »
« Nothing » Castiel said as he took a bite out of his sandwich.
Dean didn't insist but kept staring at Castiel.
They ate in silence... And resumed their walk 20 minutes later.
« It's right behind that hill, you'll see, it's beautiful » Dean said as he walked faster.
Castiel watched him, standing straight at the top of the hill.
Dean grabbed his hand and helped him up.
« Wow» Castiel exclaimed.
A splendid blue lake stretched down a little creek right in front of him.
« It's magnificent »
« I told you... C'mon... I'll help you down... The first steps may be a little hazardous »
Castiel almost tripped several times but Dean's hand was firm.
When they reached the middle of the slope, he went by himself, hypnotized by the beauty of the landscape.
They sat on the ground, each one leaning against a tree, and remained silent, admiring the landscape in front of them.
« Thanks »
« Don't mention it... I knew you'd love it. »
« I mean... thank you » Castiel repeated, stretching one leg and bending the other to relieve the pain.
« Cass? »
« I know I haven't been easy-going lately... I know that... I... » he was looking for the proper words to say.
« Cass... You don't need to find excuses. »
« I was... I was so scared, Dean... I thought I was gonna die... I could hear the cracking sounds in my bones... I... they wanted to kill me... they said... they were gonna kill me »
Dean leaned closer, his shoulder against Castiel's.
« Why, Dean? Why? What did I do wrong? »
« Nothing at all, Cass... You haven't done anything wrong... Don't try to find an explanation because there is none... if it hadn't been you, they would have picked another guy, a Jew, an Arab, an old person, a nerd, anyone... They had a thousand reasons to express their hate and no reason to be full of hatred »
« I tried to defend myself but I... I... » he was out of breath.
Dean leaned harder against him, feeling Castiel was slowly letting go.
« Each insult was followed by a blow... They spat on me, Dean... He... he... »
One single tear ran down his cheek, as his face was wrinkled with contained anger.
« He peed on me and spat on me and told me I was worth less than the johns I was fucked in »
« Dammit Cass... Why didn't you tell me all this before? » Dean turned to him, his face so distraught.
« I felt so ashamed... I couldn't stop them from doing what they did... I felt so humiliated, so dirty »
« There was nothing you could do against the two of them... They're nothing but cowards... You don't have to blame yourself... You're alive; you're stronger than them, stronger then their hatred. »
« Dean » Castiel looked at the lake in front of them and let the tears flow, leaning on his bended leg.
« I'm here » Dean whispered as he moved a bit closer and took him in his arms, feeling clumsy.
« We'll pull through this, Cass... We always have » Dean whispered holding him tight against his chest.
« Each time I close my eyes, I can see them... they're haunting me...It's like I'm never gonna wake up from this nightmare » he said, wiping the tears away from his face... feeling angry at himself for having collapsed.
« Cass » Dean's voice was filled with powerful emotion.
« If... if that man hadn't been... there... they would have... the guy was about to pull down his pants... they would have done it, Dean. » Castiel said, breathing deeply and hoping the lump in his throat would disappear.
He lowered his head and let it rest on Dean's shoulder. He tightened his embrace, leaning on the tree behind him. No more personal space.
Castiel pulled away after a few minutes.
They remained silent for a long while, looking at the sun rays reflecting on the surface of the lake. Dean's hand was resting on his friend's shoulder. Castiel leaning on Dean's shoulder. Soon the tears dried up, and colors came back on Castiel's face...
They came home late in the afternoon... Castiel hadn't said a word during the whole trip back. Dean was smiling at him from time to time and Castiel was returning the smile.
When they were close to the farm, Castiel stopped Dean.
« Thanks... thanks for being there for me »
Dean had no idea what to say. "You're welcome" would have sounded so futile...
« How do you feel? »
« Empty »
« You should talk to someone, Cass... I mean a specialist... someone who could help you coping with all this »
« I don't need to... I already have a family to help me... I have you » he said, looking at him in the eye.
« Will that be enough? »
He smiled.
« I'm starving » Castiel turned around and went into the house. Dean let out a sigh...
www
Castiel never mentioned the assault again, neither to Dean nor anyone else...
There was only one last thing he had to do when he was back home... to find the man who had saved him and thank him for what he had done...
The rest of the week-end went nice and smooth. Castiel tried to display a good humor, and so did the children...
Dean watched him speak with Bobby yet he didn't try to interfere.
They promised to come back more often....
Bobby watched them leave... he raised his eyes to the skies ... and smiled.
Dean let the back door leading to the garden wide open to air the house. He was standing on the steps outside when Castiel joined him.
« It's good to be back home »
« You mean that, Cass? »
« I mean it, Dean... I feel better, you know » he said with a genuine smile. This time, Dean believed him.
Nothing could destroy his family.... It was an extraordinary one.
End of the chapter