Joshua Parker
Last night was the truest definition of awkward, given that I had spent a good portion of my night pretending that my ex-girlfriend and also the mother of my child, was simply a stranger that I only knew on the basis of a report she was writing on me.
At one point, my hand brushed closely against her thigh, igniting the familiar warmth of her bare skin against mine, a feeling I remember so faintly and yet so intensely all at once.
She was just as affected as I was.
I watched as her eyes widened before she shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, subconsciously moving away from where I was.
That hurt.
Madison and obviously, Nathan were still none the wiser, simply believing that Savannah and I were truly strangers to one another. And yet the extensive history we shared was enough to write a book on.
"You're going out?" Madison's voice called from the couch, a place I rarely saw her in that she spent most of her time either out with friends or skipping between jobs with her overly crowded schedule.
I was currently making my way towards the elevators of our apartment when she called out. It was a Sunday morning and I'd just showered after coming home from my run around central park. Usually, I'd spend the day running errands or lounging around the apartment without anything to do. But today was different than usual.
"Yeah, Harvey wants me to help him on a job." I lied.
"He's working today?"
"He works everyday."
Harvey was a freelancer, picking up jobs here and there, and yet earning more money than I could possibly imagine with no promise of a flowing income. We'd managed to stay close through everything, always confiding in each other when we had the time, and of course Tyler too over the various video calls we could manage. The three of us were still just as close as we were in high school, except the physical and sometimes work load distance meant that meeting regularly was virtually impossible.
Madison smiled to me before tapping her lips feverishly. As much as it pained me to think, the thought of kissing her before doing what I was about to do, felt repulsive. I was lying to her about the most important thing in my life and yet I still lacked the guts to tell her.
I quickly stepped over and leaned down to press a chaste kiss to her lips, unwilling myself to look her in the eyes before smiling and turning back to escape through the elevator exit again. "I'll see you later tonight."
"See you tonight honey."
And that was that. She continued to naively believe that nothing was different in my life, and yet the most important person to me was now waiting to see me again.
I needed to tell Madison about Riley soon, I knew that to be true. But part of me wanted to keep it in my own bubble, to spend the time I wanted to and needed to with my daughter without the distraction and grave reminder of what my life truly was.
I was engaged to a woman I felt myself growing apart from as the days went by. Our paths that once were parallel, were now veering, separating the lines ever so slightly.
There was a pit of guilt in my stomach as I finally stepped out of the car, facing an apartment building to match the address I had recited from my phone over a hundred times to myself.
It was a decent size, towering over the street below, matching the place we once shared all those years ago, except that the area was seemingly calmer, lacking the usual shouting and littered sidewalk we would always be used to.
I found the memorised apartment number, pressing the door button before stepping back in enabling it to open up. "Josh?" Her voice was almost angelic as it sounded through the intercom.
"Yeah, Hi."
I wanted to hit myself upside the back of the head when I recalled my pathetic voice, presenting the nerves I'd so desperately wanted to hide. "Come on up, we're on the fifth floor." The door buzzed open, causing a deep breath to run through my lungs before I finally stepped inside, meeting the fairly inquisitive look from a very tall and burly security guard.
"Can I help you sir?" I could only assume he was like this with all visitors, and a part of me was glad. Riley and Savannah were safe in a place like this.
"I'm here to see Savannah, she just buzzed me in to come up to the fifth floor."
"Haven't seen you around here before."
As much as I wanted to make a scene about the fact that he had no idea about who I was and what I was to both Savannah and Riley, I slowly decided against making an enemy of the person that was seemingly keeping them safe in this place.
"My name is Joshua Parker, and I'm here to see my daughter."
He eyed me wearily. He seemed to be in maybe his early fifties, holding a protective stance over the both of them.
"That Savannah is a wonderful woman, as is her little girl Riley." He looked me up and down as if already expecting my visit. "I'd hate for anyone to do anything other than be good to them, you understand that Mr?"
"Yes sir." Part of me felt the need to salute, locking in the promise that I would care for my daughter with more than words could express.
"Go on up." He nodded and pressed a button, prompting the opening up of the elevators. "We don't let just anyone in here."
"Good."
I spoke my last word as I pressed floor five and the doors laid shut, welcoming me into the last seclusion before I finally spent the day with my daughter, a day I had been looking forward to more than I could possibly imagine.
In my final moments of an attempt for clearance through my mind, I traced back to the moment that I realised that this was all real. The fact that I had a daughter was still too foreign a concept to comprehend, and yet here I was, arriving to spend the day with her and attempting to make up for almost four years I had missed.
I found the apartment number by the various stages of recall I'd traced back through my mind in the night. Keeping myself awake beside Madison, I repeated the number over and over again, imagining what today would be like. Of course, I had already met Riley, but this was the moment that I could truly get to know her.
The last deep breath I could manage escaped my lips when I finally found the door and closed my fist to knock a solid three times.
The door opened up rather hastily to reveal a rather tasteful looking Savannah, dressed head to toe in a pair of yoga pants and a spaghetti strap top to match the warm weather outside and obviously in her apartment too.
"Hi," she seemed to relax her shoulders with my presence. She ran her fingers through her long brunette hair, something I missed doing myself. "Come on in."
She opened up the door further, allowing me to step inside to the rather clean apartment and find Riley situated down on the couch with a larger dolls head between her knees, allowing her to practice various hairstyles on it.
"Morning Riley." I smiled and waved over to where she was sat. She grinned and waved back before continuing her intense concentration with the braids she was perfecting.
"I suppose you met our security Nelson on the way in," Savannah smiled before making her way over to the kitchen, "drink?"
"He practically gave me the third degree as soon as I walked through the door." I learnt my arms down against the kitchen counter separating us. "And yes please, just water."
"He means well, I've known him for years." She reached up to pull two glasses from one of the cabinets, "I think he just gets protective over Riley and me."
"I'm glad he does." A familiar blush found her cheeks as she looked down to fill a glass with water before handing it over to me. "Thanks."
I walked over to where Riley was sat with my water in hand. She grinned and pointed her short-lived attention to me once I sat down beside her. "Do you know how to braid? Mommy is teaching me." She looked down to her creation with pride, and I had to accept, for a three year old, her hair braiding was better than most adults.
All the features I knew from my family were right there in front of me when I looked over at Riley, I couldn't understand how there was a person that looked so much like myself and so much like Savannah at the same time.
"I've never actually braided hair, but I'm sure you can teach me."
Savannah placated herself with keeping busy in the kitchen, assuming she was allowing my time and space with Riley to get to know her. Only that she was unbeknownst to the fact that spending time with her too was equally as enjoyable.
"Mommy!" She called out as Savannah appeared beside the couch, "Daddy needs to braid your hair so I can teach him."
"I don't think that's necessary, Riley."
Riley's eyebrows knitted together as she crossed her arms over and feigned over-exaggerated anger. She pointed down to the floor where Savannah was meant to sit between my legs, a place she hadn't found herself to be in a long while.
Savannah sent me a sorrowful look before peering back to Riley. "Why don't we get Josh to braid your hair instead?"
"Please, mommy!" Her eyes changed shape as she smiled sadly up at her, making the both of us weak at the knees with ease. "I just want to teach him."
Savannah sent me a look I was all too familiar with, to which I nodded and allowed her to perch down between my legs, her shoulders positioned just above my knees. I instinctively closed my legs slightly without realising, enabling the touch of her body to mine like I was used to.
With Riley non the wiser, she began innocently teaching me how to braid hair. I followed her every move and began intertwining my fingers through Savannah's long hair. She stilled at my touch, but I pretended not to notice and instead took the time to listen intensely to the instructions.
"How does that look?" I tied off the end of Savannah's hair and turned her head slightly to face Riley.
"That's silly, daddy!"
"What do you mean?" I held a fake pained hand to my chest as I truly believed I was following Riley and making the best out of it.
"You need to start again and follow me."
Her bossiness reminded me of my little sister, and I could do nothing but smile with pride at her forthright attitude Savannah had managed to instil in her.
Without a second thought, I loosened the half-decent braid from Savannah's hair again, only that my fingers managed to thread through her hair onto her scalp, omitting a rather obvious shiver on her behalf.
"Riley," Savannah moved hastily from between my legs, knowing that what we were doing was too close; closer than we had been in years. And it hurt her, I could tell. "Why don't you show Josh the new kitchenette in your room?"
With the ease of distraction, Riley rushed up and grabbed hold of my hand, pulling me along with her into her blush coloured bedroom.
"I think I'm gonna take a nap." Savannah voiced her decision and yet I could tell it was an attempt to release the tension she now felt around me again. She pulled her hair back into a bun and moved to where I was assuming to be her own bedroom, escaping away from me as best she could.
For every step forward in the direction of a healthy co-parenting relationship between Savannah and I, our history pushed its way through and forced us ten steps back.