Ryan's POV:
Days. It's been days now, since I kicked Brendon out of my life. But, obviously, I can't think about anything else. And every time I think about him, I feel the back of my eyes prickling. How could he do this to me? Maybe, somehow, people think I'm overreacting, that he told me he loved me for being me and not being the musician.
But he lied to me, betrayed me for months. Months in which I felt on top of the world, because finally, after all this years of hurt, because everybody I met was using me, I thought I found someone that thought my personality was special not my job. But no, life's coming at me again. It's slapping me in the face.
I feel miserable, I'm again my pathetic little self. Like after I left Dan.
I thought Brendon was special, I thought he didn't make mistakes, I thought he was the one. How could I be so wrong about him? I was lulled by him, thinking he liked what I really am, but how can I be sure, that he didn't play with me the whole time?
Sure, he wasn't as obvious as Dan, I gotta give Brendon some credit, he is not dumb. And maybe, maybe he wasn't faking it, maybe he liked me genuinely and didn't care about my job, my money or my fame. I mean we pretty much kept our relationship a secret and he was perfectly fine with it. But...
No, I just can't. He hurt me. He hurt me so much, I never thought someone would hurt me that badly ever again. It's worse than with Dan. In fact, it's a lot worse.
How do I not know, he didn't set all this meeting shit up? The first interaction with him was in front of my house, maybe he knew where I lived. There is a lot of personal information out there, literally everybody knows about my whole life.
I mean, shit, we bonded over fucking Aladdin. I even remember the interview, in which I said that was my favourite Disney movie, maybe he knew I liked Tim Burton. He could have set up every conversation we ever had. So how am I supposed to know that I fell in love with Brendon Boyd Urie and not George Ryan Ross III No. 2?
Those are the thoughts that pass my mind every single second of the day. I'm not even myself anymore, I'm just laying in bed, drinking whatever I see first in the little liquor store next to my apartment complex, smoking.
I never smoked. I thought it was a hideous habit and I never wanted to start. My dad did that too, apart from the excessive drinking. But the relief I feel whenever I light a new cigarette and take the first drag of it, is overwhelming. It calms me so much. And after just a couple of days, I turned into a chainsmoker.
I cry a lot, but after a long time just crying, I feel numb and just stare at my sickening white ceiling and then I crave a cigarette.
I'm broken.
He broke me.
Sometimes, just at really rare moments, I'm wondering, if he feels the same. Or maybe he's over me already. Just needed me for the rush of the moment, but honestly didn't care when it will be over. I didn't even recognize how committed I was to him. I feel it now though.
I hear my front door open from the spot in my bed, that I haven't left, since my last visit at the store to buy probably 20 different types of booze and a month load of Marlboro's and I barely have half of that left.
I hear footsteps slowly making its way over to my bedroom. Please don't come inside, I can't stand any kind of company now. Especially not the one's who is coming through the door now.
"Eww.. Ryan, it stinks in here." Spencer scolds at me while opening the curtains of the window to let the blinding sunlight in. "Oh, shut up, Spencer." I scoff back at his nasty remark.
I hear him sigh loudly. "Ryan, I understand, what you're going through, but you have to stop. I'm serious, it can not go on like this. Yes, Brendon is an asshole, but don't let him get to you." He tries to lecture me, but my ears are shut for this. I just wanna live in my own pity until I die.
"How can you say this? You know what he did and you know what he meant to me. How can you tell me to get over it?" my voice raises louder and angrier than it should, talking to my best friend who just wants to help me.
Spencer loses his attitude and just gets quiet. He slowly makes his way over to my bed and sits down at the edge of it. "Sorry." He says upset. I light my next cigarette and take a drag. Calmness immediately invades my body and I'm not angry anymore. The fact that I started smoking, is probably the worst side effect of the breakup for Spence. His mom died from lung cancer.
"Did you eat anything at all today?" Spin asks me, lifting his head to look me in the eyes. "Can't remember." I say careless. "Ry..." he starts, but I stop him. "It reminds me of him." I whisper. And again, I just hear a loud sigh from his part.
"Ryan, I'm sorry, but this cannot be the reason for you to not eat at all. You could come over to mine and we order Pizza. Then you won't have his presence everywhere and he always used to cook, didn't he? So, you didn't have take away in long, right?" I feel that he is trying to cheer me up and I honestly appreciate that, but it's just not working. "No, thanks Spence." he looks at me disappointed, but I just cannot leave my bed right now. It's too early to pretend everything is fine, when it's clearly not. I take another drag of my cigarette before ending it to put it in my self made ashtray. Then he gets sassy again.
"Fine, then I'm gonna order a pizza to your place and we're gonna eat here. And I forbid you to smoke in front of me. What a nasty habit you got yourself." He says while stomping out of my bedroom. I audibly sigh, while taking a new cigarette to smoke while he is gone, I'll be done till he's back. I mean I understand him and I can't be an asshole to him too, he's the only one I got left.
I just put it out before he comes back and drags me out of the bed. "Ryan, you're disgusting, so go take a shower, while I change your sheets." "NO!" I scream out loud which startles him. "They still smell like him." I say quietly, nearly tearing up. He looks at me incredulously. "Take your shower, now." Spencer Smith way to say there is no need for discussion, he's gonna do it anyways. I turn around, feeling my anger rise. Who does he think he is? But then it hits me. I hate Brendon, so I have to ban every thought of him out of my brain, means also his smell, never mind how hard that seems.
Brendon's POV:
What have I done? I can't believe I seriously thought that it will not come out at some point. I should have told him earlier, a lot earlier, in fact. But no, my dumb ass was too scared he could leave me for this or worse hate me. And know I have this. Both happened.
I haven't moved in days, wasn't at work for days, haven't talked to anyone in days. Jon tried to call me a couple of times, but I never picked up. He was the one who told me to do it earlier, so he would probably just come around with "Told you so."
But does he honestly think I can have any of that yet?! I know it was my fault, everything is always my fault. I can't believe I've done this to the most important person in my life.
After my breakdown in front of his apartment, I haven't cried at all. I just can't. I don't feel anything anymore. It's because I know I'm the guilty one, so I feel like I don't even deserve the relief of crying.
Crying is like letting everything inside out, all pent-up emotions. And a lot of times you feel better after you cried, somehow, I guess. People say in order to get better, you have to let everything out, but I just don't deserve salvation after what I did to Ryan.
So, I pile it up, until I die from an abscess or something, because apparently that is what I deserve.
Sadly, my brain doesn't want to die though, because it's working hard on a solution for this, what I could do for him to forgive me. And it did this ever since I left his apartment. It's just not coming to a conclusion, because there is no possibility that he will forgive me. I understand that. I wouldn't forgive myself either. But I want it so badly.
He was everything I had and now there is just a big hole inside, where my heart used to be. I can't believe myself. I'm so stupid, so, so stupid.
All of this comes to me while I'm blasting every Pile-Up song ever made on my stereo, I think I heard my neighbours a couple of times, ringing my bell and telling me to turn it down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's the only thing I have left of him. It's the only chance I can hear his beautiful voice ever again. I became addicted to it, his voice.
Whenever I was sleeping at home and not at his place, we were talking on the phone until I fell asleep, because his voice is the only remedy for my insomnia.
At least I don't have to worry about this anymore, because I don't sleep anyways. I'm a total wreck, I just sit on my couch listening to his voice, I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't do anything at all. My work called a couple of times, but I didn't pick that one up either, I guess Mr. Hurley fired me until now, and I honestly couldn't care less.
My life is over anyways, so why bother with a stupid job?
The worst thing about this whole situation is that I can't blame anyone else. There is no one to blame except for me. And that makes it extremely hard to get out of my state. I mean, if you can say "Not my fault, he was the one who made the mistake.", it's a lot easier to cope. But that's not the case, and if you know you are the villain and you can't forgive yourself or justify your actions, then you're stuck. Stuck in this vicious circle, you put yourself in. No way out.
I hear my phone go off again. As I pick it up, I see it's Jon. I sigh loudly and turn off the music, I guess I can't run from him forever. Sooner or later I would have to talk to him and better now, before he decides to just come by.
"Hey, Jon." I say quietly, my voice sounds raspy, after not talking for days. "Jesus, Brenny! Finally, you take my call! You haven't been to work for days and I stopped by a couple of times, but you didn't open up and I just heard really loud music, what's going on?" Oh, so it was Jon, who ringed and not my neighbours. "Jon, seriously, don't play dumb. Spencer surely already told you." I hear Jon sigh on the other end of the line. "Well, yea, he did. And we fought about this as well." His voice goes quiet during the last sentence. Please, no, God, don't let me destroy that relationship too. "Are-are you two okay, though?" I ask anxiously. "Don't worry about that, Bren. We're fine really." I let out a breath, I didn't know I was holding. Thank goodness.
"Do you want me to come over later?" I really don't want him to come, I don't need company or someone to cheer me up, wouldn't work anyways. "I don't think, it's a good idea and I don't want you to lecture me. I already know what I did." I say, Jon with a slightly sassy tone. "Do you honestly believe, I would do that?! Brendon, I know how you must be feeling right now. I won't make it worse by lecturing you! You should probably just talk about it and we might can find a solution for this. Ryan still loves you, he's just hurt." Jon says. "I highly doubt that, Jon." "Then do that, cause I don't. I'm coming over after work! By the way, you can be glad I saved your ass and told Hurley, you were sick." I can't feel emotion, so I try to pretend as best as I can. "Wow, thanks, Jon. You're the best!" I say. "See you later!" Jon's voice comes out of the speakers. I hang up and turn my music back on. I'm back to my pathetic self. I can still decide to not let Jon in...