"I always knew we were a gamble. I wouldn't have played if I wasn't prepared to fold when dealt a bad hand.
Now the stakes are rising but you keep your cards close to your chest.
Will you call my bluff?"
- Jude
I'd worked myself up into a bit of a state by the time my evening class started. What did Jude want to talk about? And why hadn't he sounded convinced that we'd sort things out? I was twitchy, stressed, and incapable of concentrating on anything. I'd been useless at work all day, and I was no better once shut up in a classroom with Jude. His proximity didn't soothe me. All it did was heighten the insidious feeling that we were living on borrowed time. My photographs were terrible, I barely listened to a word Jude told us, and I was lousy company when I went to the pub for drinks with my classmates afterwards. By the time my phone vibrated in my pocket - the familiar signal to let me know that Jude was waiting outside the pub for me - I honestly couldn't quite determine if I was glad that the talk was about to happen or not. I thought I might have preferred to live in ignorant bliss.
'Hey,' I said, slipping out of the noisy pub and into the twilight of a spring evening.
'Hi,' Jude smiled, his jaw tense. 'Shall we head down the road; there's a late-night coffee shop. It'll be quieter.'
'Oh,' I uttered, looking startled. 'We're not going back to yours?' The alarm bells began to ring in my ears.
'I thought we could have a chat, Meredith.' I think he sensed my disappointment - my affront - because he softened his expression, and added in slightly teasing tones, 'You know we'd just end up in bed together if you come back to mine. We need to have a proper talk.'
'Okay,' I nodded, letting him lead me along the busy road. 'How was the advanced class?' I asked, struggling to make small talk. What we were doing - the way we were interacting - just felt awkward and unnatural.
'Fine,' Jude said, taciturn.
'And the boys? They're looking forward to half term?'
'Of course. Who likes school?' I frowned.
'I bet you did, didn't you?' He seemed the studious type. For the first time since our argument, Jude's eyes shone with something akin to happiness.
'I did, but I think mostly because it was a chance to see my friends. I don't think I had a crush on Pythagoras or anything like that.'
'I had a massive crush on my geography teacher. Happiness was simply passing him in the corridor. I loved school. Totally pervy, of course, because if he'd so much as noticed that I had a vagina, I'd have freaked right out.' I shook my head at my own childish stupidity before glancing up at Jude, to find him smiling down on me. I breathed a sigh of relief. This feels more normal, I told myself, hoping that Jude's behaviour was simply due to nerves, and not a signifier of our relationship's impending demise.
'Here we go,' Jude said, holding the door to the coffee shop for me. I stepped inside, spying two comfy-looking armchairs tucked away in the corner. 'I'll get us some coffee,' Jude said, handing me his camera bag so that he didn't have to hold it whilst standing in the queue. It was such a coupley thing to do; no verbal request, just an out-held bag and the expectation that I would understand and acquiesce. I smiled and made for the cosy corner of the shop; shunned, because it didn't afford a view of the street, nor the wall-mounted TV, which - bizarrely - seemed to be playing Boy in Striped Pyjamas.
'Odd film to have on,' I said, as Jude set down our drinks. 'This film makes me cry no end.'
'It's probably live TV,' was all he said, not feeling particularly chatty. He sat opposite me and let out a low sigh. This was it; crunch time.
'So...?' I said, when he didn't dive into crisis talks.
'Right,' Jude acknowledged, with a fleeting smile. 'You and me... I'm struggling a bit, to tell you the truth,' he said, scratching absent-mindedly at his forehead. 'I like you. I enjoy being with you, and I don't want this to end, but I really can't deal with the guilt trips, the insecurity...' He shook his head. 'I've always been upfront with you. My boys have to come first. I thought we'd sorted all that out, and then last week you just -' But I interrupted him, because he wasn't being fair.
'I totally get where you're coming from. I don't have a problem playing second fiddle to your kids. That's the way things should be, but holidaying with your ex-wife... That's not really the norm. I have to be allowed to react to that, and I really don't think my reaction was all that unreasonable.'
'You're right,' Jude said, nodding his head in agreement. 'I don't think you're unreasonable at all, Meredith. That's not what my problem is.'
'Then what is your problem?' I asked, breath bated. He frowned, licked his lips slowly and said, -
'I'm worried that we just want different things. That you want things I can't offer. Because attraction doesn't in away way guarantee compatibility, does it?'
'You think we're incompatible?' I asked, in surprise.
'Us? No, but our lives... perhaps. I just... Look,' Jude said, leaning forward in his seat and grasping my hand from across the small, low table. 'I really like you. I think you're hot as Hell. Sex with you is by far the best I've ever had, and I like you. You're perfect girlfriend material, but I'm not really looking for a girlfriend; at least, not in the traditional sense.'
'You want someone to sleep with, and take out for the odd date?' I asked, a tad testily.
'No!' he warned, gripping my hand tightly as though he sensed that I was about to recoil. 'I want that emotional connection we share. I'm not shallow just because I have a huge part of my life I want to keep separate.' I didn't really know what to say to that. I didn't think Jude was shallow, but I did suspect that his feelings for me must be lukewarm at best, if he wanted to totally exclude me from the life he shared with his sons.
'I don't really understand what you're saying,' I told him, because I couldn't tell if he was trying to let me down gently or not. The tightly gripped hand would suggest no, but the lack of softness to his voice and look, hinted at the opposite.
'What I'm trying to say,' Jude began, his brows dipping, 'and I'm doing it very badly, because I'm not good at this sort of thing, but I like you. A lot. And I know you like me too, but I think you want things I can't give you. When I can't give you what you want it makes me feel like shit. I don't like upsetting you. I don't like making you feel insecure, but it's going to keep happening unless you can reconcile yourself to the fact that the boys and Serena are always going to be a big part of my life.'
'It sounds like you're putting all the emphasis on me,' I countered. 'Like I'm the one who needs to come to terms with the facts, but what about you?' He nodded earnestly.
'I'm aware that it was insensitive of me to raise the issue of the holiday from a work perspective; that I should have discussed it with you as my girlfriend, instead,' Jude said, quickly. 'I was just... I knew you'd be bothered by it, and I didn't really know how to tell you. I thought it best to just tell you I was going; to focus on the work implications.'
'No,' I replied, firmly. 'That wasn't the best option at all. It just made it seem like you didn't care; like you hadn't thought of me at all.'
'That's not true,' Jude said, his thumb brushing over the back of my hand. 'I do care. I did think of you, but the truth is, I was determined to go no matter what you said.' He shrugged lightly and leant back into his armchair, releasing my hand. 'This is what I mean; precisely what I mean. You matter to me, but ultimately, I have to do what's best for my boys, and you have to be able to accept that without making me feel like the world's biggest jerk for letting you down.' I looked into his eyes; dark today. They didn't shine with the golden thrum of pleasure or amusement.
'I'm fine with that,' I told him, addicted to his intensity. But Jude shook his head.
'You keep saying that, but when I have to choose, you keep getting upset.'
'I won't anymore. I promise.'
'Meredith...' he sighed, reaching forward for my hand once more. 'Take these two weeks - the rest of this week, and the time while I'm away - to think about whether you really want this, because I can't give you any more than what we have now. You deserve more. You should want more. Don't commit to this without thinking over everything you're turning down by being with me.' I assumed he meant marriage, kids, cohabitation. But honestly, none of that mattered. I didn't want any of it without him.
'I know what I want. I want you,' I told him. That tight smile reappeared.
'Just think it over. Two weeks. If you still feel the same way, we'll pick up exactly where we left off.'
'So what, we're on a break?' I asked, frowning.
'Not really,' Jude said. 'Just... a time out.'
'And we're still exclusive, aren't we, during this "time out"?' I didn't successfully manage to keep the note of scorn from my voice. Thankfully, Jude only smiled; slightly teasing. Slightly sad.
'No, I'm not going to sleep with Serena. Don't worry about anything. Just think about what you want.'
'I want to see you this week before you go. I didn't see you last week. Three weeks is too long,' I told him, in a sulky, petulant tone of voice.
'I know,' Jude said, his voice silky. 'I'm going to fix that, but finish your coffee first.'
So we had our drinks and talked about Jude's plans for his holiday, about Tabby's preparation for six months of travelling, and about my week at work. Easy, unexciting, reassuring. And then Jude walked me through some public gardens; fairly uninspiring, with little but grass and evergreens, the occasional shrub or tall tree.
'Here,' Jude whispered, his lips at my ear as his hands settled at my waist, positioning me in front of him, so that his chest was pressed against my back.
'What?' I asked, in a breathy voice. I knew that silken whisper. It was X-rated.
'Something to keep you going,' he promised, before dropping one hand and trailing it up my thigh. It bunched the hem of my jersey dress, drawing it upwards until his fingers reached the waistband of my leggings.
'Jude?' I asked, uncertainly, as his fingers delved beneath the elastic, straight into my knickers.
'Shhhh!' he shushed, his hand dipping between my legs. From a distance - and in the darkness - it probably looked as though he was just hugging me from behind, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. But with a front row view, it was quite obvious that what he was doing was indecent. 'Turn around,' Jude urged, before using his hands to re-position me. He lifted one leg, propping his foot up on the cross bar of the metal railings which wrapped around the garden, offering me his thigh as a perch. 'Sit,' he ordered, grabbing my hips and settling me with one leg on either side of his thigh. Then his hand was swiftly back inside my knickers, cupping me, before his fingers flexed and probed.
'Jude!' I panted, as his finger slipped inside. 'What the Hell...' But my voice tailed off as he rocked me on his leg, his finger working all the while. 'Jesus... Outside...? Anyone could see us.'
'You'll have to try not to scream,' was all he said; his tone confident, slightly smug. I clung to his shoulders, my head tipped back as my nerve endings began to hum.
'I've never... outside...' I gasped.
'Me neither,' came Jude's swift reply; his eyes dark with arousal. 'Are you close?' he asked.
'Yes.'
'Then look at me,' he demanded, and when I did, he crushed his lips to mine. He held me there, enthralled in his kiss. 'I'm going to remember this,' he promised. 'How you feel on my fingers. The noises you're making. The veins in your neck, your glazed eyes and parted lips.' Then he pressed another bruising kiss to my lips. 'I'm going to think about you every night I'm away,' Jude whispered, before biting gently on my lip. 'Come for me, beautiful,' he urged. And I did, right there, in a crappy little park, just as a homeless man staggered through the shrubs and took a swig of cider from a two-litre bottle.
'There's a man...' I whispered, my voice reedy as I struggled for breath. Jude frowned and glanced over his shoulder. The homeless man had stopped to stare at us.
'Did he see the whole show?' Jude asked.
'Just the closing credits, I think.' Jude smiled at me; brilliant, amused. White teeth, caramel eyes.
'Let me straighten your clothes and walk you to a cab.' I nodded my assent, because I did not want to linger when we were being observed. I set my hands on Jude's shoulders as he rearranged the elastic waistband on my leggings, and smoothed down my dress. Pulling back from me, he pressed two guilty fingers into his mouth, sucking them clean, whilst looking me straight in the eye. I felt my jaw drop, as I stood gaping at him. Then he winked at me.
'A little mental image for you to mull over while I'm away with the boys,' he said, before pulling me into his embrace and kissing my forehead. I shivered - not with cold - and wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked out of the park and down towards the main road where taxis could often be flagged down.
'Have a good time,' I told him, as a taxi crawled to a stop beside us.
'I will. And you'll look after yourself and keep eating properly?' Jude asked, solicitously. I nodded, before reaching up and cradling his jaw in my hand. I nudged him closer with my fingers, urging his face towards mine.
'Don't give up on us, will you?' I asked, quietly, before pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. Jude shook his head.
'It's just a holiday; a few weeks apart. Think about what we discussed and if you still want this when I get back, then we'll pick up where we left off. I promise.'