hi. it's been way too long and i'm sorry. i struggled figuring out how to structure the end of this story (i've known how i wanted it to end for months but to fit that into the next three chapters was difficult) and a lot of personal stuff made writing this harder than i thought. this story will be wrapping up by the time i go back to college (september 2nd) so expect two more chapters in the next two weeks
not too triggering. enjoy.
"How bad do my roots look?"
"Hm?"
He tousles a lazy hand through Awsten's hair and lifts his head off the pillow just enough to kiss his cheek. Awsten smiles, squeezes his eyes shut at the sensation, and moves his head to rest back on his chest.
"They're kinda growing in," he says. The dark brown is poking through, very visible amongst the fading light blue strands. It's a deep contrast that doesn't look terrible – at least, to him – but most people would've gotten things touched up by now. It's kinda hard to realize how much they've grown out when you can't exactly see them.
He's always wondered about that. What's the point of dying your hair if you can't see the color? How long has he done it? Did he have colored hair before he went blind, or was it something he started doing after he lost the ability to see it? He's never wanted to ask, never wanted to stir the pot and bring back old demons; Awsten will talk if he's comfortable with it.
Awsten huffs out a sigh and picks his head up again, rakes his own hand through his hair. "I'll get Otto ta help me with it tomorrow or somethin'." He flops down and inches his body upward, far enough that he's resting his head on Geoff's shoulder and blowing warm puffs of air against his neck.
It's silent for a few moments. Geoff stays still, slips his hand under Awsten's shirt and begins to rub his back.
"Hey, sunshine?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't havta answer if you don't want to, but..." He trails off and bites his lip. His heart is racing. It shouldn't be. It's stupid. This is stupid. It's all stupid. He doesn't know why this keeps happening. He wants to not feel like he's doing to die for asking the simplest of questions, not have the switch flipped and the button pushed every time he says something that strays slightly out of his comfort zone. He's hot and cold and confused and it always happens like this why does it have to happen like this why can't he just be fucking normal- "Why do you...you can't see it so- why- fuck, I need to shut up, oh my god..."
"Why do I dye my hair?" Awsten supplies quietly. "When I can't see the color?"
"Ignore me," he says immediately. "Please, fuck, it was a stupid question, don't-"
"Breathe." He can hear something different in Awsten's voice. It's a hint of a smirk, a teasing note. He's smiling. He shouldn't be smiling. Why is he smiling what the hell is this why- "It's okay. I'm not fragile, Geoff. 'Member? When we first started talking and I made you ask how I went blind?"
"You scared the shit outta me," he confesses. The heat is turning to sweat, dampening his shirt against his back. "Made me think I was bein' such a dick..."
"You were so wound up," Awsten replies. "Even then. One wrong word and it looked like you woulda fallen apart. It's gotten so much better, god, I'm so prouda you." He feels fingers; feather-light and moving rapidly up his face. Awsten catches the side of his lip, finger walks over until he reaches his cheek, and then smiles wider, leans down and places his lips there.
He scoffs, rolls his eyes and turns his head away. It's gotten better. Sure, it has. That's why he feels like hornets are drilling holes into his bones and pressing their stingers up into his skin every time he's pushed even the tiniest bit out of his comfort zone. That's why his heart races after the simplest questions and ordering food at a restaurant feels like the world is going to open up from behind and swallow him whole.
He's not better. Nothing about this is better.
But it's good that they all think that.
"Kids like it."
Awsten pauses after the words and looks down at the mattress. He's smiling, lip pulled between his teeth. "The library gave me the kids' corner, y'know, to like, tutor in and whatever, and there are obviously a lot more kids there than the ones who come to me, and they can see. And like, every once in a while some people'll walk in and I'll hear this kid start to get all excited, like, 'mommy, that guy has blue hair! Blue hair! It's blue!'" His grin widens. He's made his voice higher to emulate a child's for the words.
"And sometimes they come up to me," Awsten continues. He drops everything down a few notches, almost bordering on a whisper. "And tell me they like my hair and I say I can't see, and they'll be like, it looks like the sky, or mint ice cream, or blue cotton candy, or the ocean they go to every summer. They'll describe it...so I can see it too. And it's this really cool little moment, y'know? 'Cause each of them has different memories and associations with things and they all describe it a new way. And I just...it's really nice. They get so excited and I can just imagine their eyes lighting up and it's just, it's beautiful. I can't see it but they can and they get so much joy out of it that it brings me joy too, I guess."
His cheeks are pinking up and he's turning redder and redder. He brings his head back down to Geoff's chest and hides his face.
Warm.
Geoff's cheeks are already starting to hurt. It's like the speech was a light switch, a sprinkle of fairy dust thrown over the parts of him that are starting to curl into themselves, stretching out their talons and beginning to sting. It's all light now. It's all warm.
He uses two fingers to lift Awsten's chin and leans forward to kiss him. "That's...fuck, that's the most precious thing ever, sunshine. God, I love you."
"I love you, too," Awsten whispers shyly. "And, um...my hair's blue because, um- blue was Gracie's, um, favorite color? I picked it to like, honor her, in a way? No one knows but me and Otto and my mom, and now you, but it's just kinda- my little reminder? That she's always with me, y'know? I dunno, I know it's dumb, I kinda just- mmph!"
He presses his lips against Awsten's to silence him, stays for just a few seconds and barely allows it to deepen before pulling away. When they separate, he rests his forehead against Awsten's and smiles. "Nothing about that is dumb, love. It's beautiful. You're beautiful. And she's looking down on you and smiling 'cause she's so proud of how far you've come. You've worked so hard and we're all so proud of you. She's so proud of you, Awsten."
...
"No."
"Otto-"
"That's not the answer." Otto unwinds his arm from around his shoulders. He feels him push off the couch and hears his feet slapping against the wooden floor. "That isn't how we fix this. You don't have to do that."
"I don't have to do anything," he mutters. He rises to his feet and follows Otto's voice, finds the first stretch of open wall and presses his back against it, swallows. Breathes. "But I...I've been thinking a lot these past couple days. I went with Geoff to therapy and that helped me see a lot."
"Why not just go back to Lucas? Talk about what happened," Otto suggests. "You don't...you don't have to go that far, Aws. You're not ready and that's okay. No one expected you to be. Things are fine the way they are. You don't havta go all out changin' everything 'cause of this."
"No." He forces himself to keep his voice level. Don't get mad he's trying to help don't get mad he's trying to help don't get mad he's trying to help- "You were right, Otto. What you said that night? You were right. I do rely on you too much. And I..." He bites his lip. "I can't move on with my life unless I stop. You..." Another swallow. It stings going down. His head feels like one giant ache, like the balloon has slipped between skin and skull and is pressing outward. "You're my safe place. And I...when it was just us, I needed that. After everything with Mark, 'cause everyone was gone...you were all I had. You were everything. And I- you don't need to be, anymore. I don't need you to be. I don't-" He shakes his head. "Fuck."
"Hey." He hears Otto come closer before he feels the grip on both of his wrists. "I get it. Breathe, Aws. You're okay."
"I don't wanna stop needing you," he confesses. The sob slips out. He doesn't even try to keep it back.
"You won't." Otto squeezes his eyes. He can practically see him smiling. "This...if you really want ta do this, Aws, it's not gonna change everything. You're still gonna need me. I'm still gonna be here. And if...if this is really what you want..." He pauses. Awsten exhales. He can almost see the wheels turning. "I think it could be okay."
"This is the next step," he whispers. His voice keeps cracking. "I need- I think- I think m'ready to take it."
"I know you are." Otto's fingers brush against his cheeks, stroke away the remnants of tears. "I know you can do this."
"I love you," he cries. He pitches forward and Otto catches him, holds him steady and brings him into his chest, keeps his grip strong as he shifts him in his arms. He buries his face in Otto's shoulder and chokes, sobs, lets out the breath he's been holding for far too long.
His safe place.
"I love you too, Aws." Otto's crying too. His voice is thick. "I'm so fucking proud of you."