dichotomy ; gawsten

ten

trigger warnings - mentions of suicide and self harm but nothing too bad

"So yesterday I had this kid, right, and fuck dude I felt so bad. She was beating herself up so hard for not gettin' shit and I'm like fuck. It took me like, almost a year, to fully get braille. And I was older than her when I was learning it!"

Awsten concludes his rant with an exaggerated sigh. "I just...it fuckin' sucks 'cause I know it's because everyone around her has these expectations that she has ta be just like she was before she went blind and that's not how it works. It's not something you can get over. It changes everything. Unless you're blind you don't get it."

"I'm really sorry," Geoff says quietly. "That has to really suck. I don't get it, but...I'm sorry."

Awsten bites his lip. He doesn't spend a lot of time wishing he could see because he can't change the past, but this is one of those instances where it would just be so much easier. Unlike Otto and Jawn, he's never seen Geoff's face. Otto is the easiest to make those facial mind maps for because he's around him so much, and even though he's been away from Jawn for a while, he's still able to picture his facial expression in most situations.

It is so much different with Geoff. He's never seen his face before. He doesn't know what he looks like. When Otto's nervous he has this specific look on his face, eyes wide and mouth set in a thin line. He fiddles with his hair a lot. Adjusts his beanie. When Geoff's nervous or anxious or sad or even happy, for that matter, Awsten doesn't know what he does.

The signs are all there. Geoff's voice shakes a lot. He fidgets. He stutters and stammers or talks too fast. Sometimes his voice gets quiet. He sounds like he wants to fade away. Judging by their conversations and everything Jawn told him, he really does. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Geoff answers. There it is again. He's talking in that rushed voice that comes out whenever he seems to be anxious. "I'm fine. Are you okay?"

"Geoff." Awsten stops. "You can't lie to me, you know that."

"I'm not lying..."

Awsten rolls his eyes. He turns his body and maneuvers his cane so it comes into contact with Geoff's foot, so he can judge the distance, and then reaches out to grab Geoff's wrist.

He hears the hiss.

"Geoff..." His heart is starting to race. There's a cold feeling, ice reining down over him and breaking all over his back. Everything feels fuzzy. The world is blurring slightly. "What did you do?"

Geoff is trying to tug his arm away. He tightens his grip. "Fuck Awsten, let go! It hurts!"

"Geoff," Awsten repeats. "You're not getting out of this."

"It's fine," Geoff mutters. "I have a cat, Oliver. We were playing yesterday and he got a little rough."

"For the last fucking time," Awsten growls. "I am blind, not stupid. I've read the headlines. I know what happened a few years ago. I know things aren't better." He pauses. "Geoff, I...I know what this is like. Maybe I'll be able ta help. But that can't happen if you don't talk to me."

"You don't need my shit, Awsten." Geoff's voice is shaky. He sounds like he's crying. "You have enough of your own."

"What the hell's that supposed ta mean?" Awsten asks. His skin feels like it's vibrating. If there weren't a band at the end of his cane he would've dropped it by now. He feels like he's on fire enclosed in ice, too hot and too cold at the same time.

Geoff laughs.

Awsten's never heard something more bitter in his life.

It's venomous. Cruel. It sounds like poison.

"What the fuck do I have to be depressed about?" Geoff spits. "You're the one who can't see. You're the one who was in a horrible car accident. You're the one whose entire life got ruined. You lost your fuckin' sister, for fuck's sakes! All I am is a shitty attention whore rockstar who can't get the fuck over himself."

Awsten stops. He feels it, the ache in his chest, the tidal wave of pain that washes over him and clings stickily. "That's...fuck, Geoff. That's not-"

"That's the truth." Geoff's voice is laced with tears. He punctuates the sentences with a sob. "I'm sorry, Awsten. I'm so sorry."

And then he's gone.

...

"I am going to kill him."

"Otto-"

"No. I trusted him!" Otto rants. "I trusted him to take care of you!"

"Otto-"

"-and he goes and leaves you in some park in the middle of fucking nowhere? Are you fucking kidding me? He's fuckin' dead."

"Otto!" Awsten shouts.

"What?" He hears the sound of Otto's car unlocking. Otto opens the passenger side door, but he doesn't move. He stands where he is and swallows against the lump in his throat.

"He's not okay," Awsten whispers. The words hurt coming up. They tear up his throat. "He's really not okay."

"Something's definitely fucked in his head for him to leave you at the motherfuckin' park!" Otto lets out a sigh. "Get in, Aws. Let's go home."

Awsten presses his head against the window and keeps his hands in his lap the entire drive home. Otto turns up the music and tries to prompt him into conversation, but most of what he says involve a detailed description of how he's going to kill Geoff I'll fuckin' rip out his throat or seeing him was a bad idea he's bad news, Aws. I know you wanted it to be different, but it's not or why he even bothered to reconnect with Jawn in the first place they don't know you, Aws. They think you're like everybody else but you're not and they can't accept it and you don't deserve to be around people like that.

"Aws? C'mon, I was in the middle of makin' dinner when you called. It's probably already cold by now."

"He relapsed," Awsten says softly. He lets his head fall back against the headrest of the seat. "Or he never stopped cutting. I dunno. But I grabbed his wrist and it hurt and he told me it was his cat but that's fuckin' bullshit. And then he said something..." His voice breaks.

The car door slams. Another door opens and closes, and Otto grabs his hand in both of his. "What did he say, Aws?"

"He-" His voice catches in his throat. He swallows. Tears are building in his eyes. "He doesn't have any reason to be depressed because I've been through worse. And I just. I don't understand, Otto... He ran away before I could say anything."

"Fuck..." Otto breathes out heavily.

"Jawn told me it was bad," Awsten continues. "I didn't...I didn't think it was this bad... He said he's really scared Geoff might try again. And I thought he was exaggerating. Makin' shit into something it wasn't 'cause he was worried, yknow? But he wasn't. And now I just...I'm scared, Otto. I'm so fucking scared..."

He hears Otto say something in response but it doesn't register.

All he can think about is what if this was it what if this was the end what if this was the push Geoff needed what if he's lying on his bathroom floor bleeding what if he killed himself what if he's dead.

What if he's dead.

entertainment is out and it is the best album i have ever heard in my entire life it is an absolute masterpiece if you haven't listened to it what the actual fuck are you waiting for go right now go listen to it improve your quality of life. 

that's all bye lmao