dichotomy ; gawsten

twenty nine

He stops in the doorway.

Awsten is lying against Geoff's arm with his head on Geoff's shoulder, turned slightly to the side. Geoff has an arm around his waist, holding him against his body. He's got his phone in his other hand, focused on the screen. Awsten isn't exactly laying on his body, but there isn't an inch of space between them.

If he didn't know any better, he'd feel the warmth burst in his chest. This is how he is with Grace, soft cuddles and sweet touches, some days it is just that and it is just enough. They lie in bed all day, tangled up in each other with messy kisses being placed to one another's heads and hair, intertwining their fingers and pressing their bodies as close as they can, trying to commit every part of each other to memory.

If he didn't know any better, he'd think Geoff and Awsten were dating.

He inhales heavily and makes his way over to the bed. They're back in Geoff and Chloe's apartment, but Geoff's been ordered to take it easy for a few days, and for Awsten, that meant forcing him into bed as soon as they got back. Otto sighs, perches on the edge of the bed and pulls his beanie off to run a hand through his hair.

Geoff looks back from him to Awsten a few times. His gaze is darting wildly. "Shit, um. I can wake him up if you want? Do y'all have to go home, or- sorry, I-I didn't mean to keep you-"

His words are getting progressively faster and shakier as he continues to ramble. Otto holds a hand up and forces a small smile. "No, you're fine. I wanted to talk to you, actually, if you're up to it."

He doesn't want Geoff to have a panic attack in the middle of this. He doesn't want to risk waking Awsten. This is a conversation he and Geoff need to have, one Awsten absolutely won't approve of and definitely won't be able to keep his mouth shut during. He wanted to do this when they were still in the hospital, but Geoff didn't seem stable enough for it. The last thing Otto wants to do is give him a panic attack.

Geoff's arm tightens around Awsten. He sees it. Geoff pulls him closer and rests his chin against his head briefly, before he nods. "Yeah. What's up?"

"I, um, I guess I thought I should say sorry," he says. "If I hadn't said anything you probably wouldn't be here. But then I stopped myself because I'm not sorry. You needed to hear that, Geoff. Whether you think it's true or not."

"I'm not gay." The words are so shaky. Geoff is trembling furiously. His hold on Awsten is so tight that Otto's surprised he hasn't woken up in the process. "I'm not."

"I know it seems like it's just been me, helping Awsten," he continues. "But, honestly...what I do for him now is a fraction of what he's done for me. I'll never be able to repay him. He got me through so much...I don't know where I'd be without him."

"What do you mean?" Geoff's voice sounds calmer. He's not breathing as rapidly.

"I'm bisexual," he says. "And, um. Admitting that, it kinda...it really fucked me up?" He reaches for the one of the beaded bracelets on his arm and slips one finger underneath, pulls it off and tangles the cord in his hands. "I felt like you do. Like there was something wrong with me. I wasn't supposed to like both. And I guess it's like...when you're gay, like only into guys gay, it feels different. You're not into girls and you can't force yourself to be. But being bi...you're into both and you know you "should"-" He pulls his hands apart to make the air quotes. "Be into just one, the "right" one, but you're not and it sucks so bad because you just wanna be normal."

"Otto, I-"

"I didn't want to exist because I thought my existence was wrong." His breath catches in his throat. He closes his eyes briefly, clenches his fingers against the bracelet and presses into his lip. "And I felt so alone, for so long, 'cause, y'know, Aws was still tryna adjust ta bein' blind and I didn't wanna give him something else to worry about. I didn't want him ta worry about me. I didn't think I deserved to be worried about."

Geoff stays silent. Otto lifts his head to meet his eyes. "And I thought I could do it. Keep this part of me hidden, ignore it. It'd go away. If it didn't exist, if I didn't let it exist, it'd be okay. I'd be okay." He barks out a chuckle that sounds more like a dry sob. "These things, they just don't- go away. M'sure you know that. I tried to shove it down but it just kept coming back, no matter what. I couldn't escape. It kept finding me. Until I couldn't do it anymore."

"You didn't-"

"I had a breakdown," he forces out. "Aws called, asked if I wanted ta hang out – and I just. I was already havin' a bad day and I couldn't get out of bed and everything just hurt so bad and I was so fucking tired, and then that fucking asshole." He pauses, bites the word and looks over at Awsten. Asshole. "He came over. And he found me on the floor, sobbing. And I tried to push him away, I really did, but y'know how it is. He wants something, he'll get it. So I told him everything."

He swallows. He didn't realize there was even a lump in his throat until he felt the pain, felt the tears burn against his eyes as it started to throb. "And I thought- I thought this was it. I thought I'd fucked up. He'd think I was a freak and leave and he was the last person I had left and I remember not being able to breathe and I think that's the closest I've ever gotten to a panic attack."

It feels like yesterday. Chains wrapping around his heart and squeezing the room moving too fast he felt like the world was going to come up and swallow him whole he couldn't breathe he didn't know what was going on his lungs weren't getting any air he couldn't breathe.

"He got on the floor next to me and held me," he continues. "For what felt like forever. He just kept hugging me tighter and tighter until I could breathe again. And then he said he was sorry he didn't notice earlier – which was bullshit 'cause I didn't say fuckin' anything – but that he loved me and he'd be there for whatever I needed." He lifts his head to look at Geoff again. "For what I needed. He knew he was gay in like, elementary school. He knew everything about the LGBTQ+ community. But he didn't try ta use any of it. It was up to me. What I needed. What I could handle. Some days I wanted labels and other days I hated them and everything was okay with him. It took years, after that, for me ta even say I was bi out loud. He waited. He wanted what made me comfortable and nothing more."

"Dating my girlfriend fucked me up for a bit," he admits. "It was after I'd finally started to love being bi. Love myself as a bi person. And then I get a girlfriend and look straight to anyone walkin' down the street and god, it fucked with me so bad. I didn't wanna pass. I didn't wanna look straight. I didn't want having a girlfriend to erase who I was. It took me so long to accept that part of me and I didn't want it ta go away all 'cause I was datin' a girl."

"But Aws, he just. He was always there. Whatever I needed. Like he has been since we were stupid kids. We didn't sleep for like, a week. He let me tell him whatever was on my mind and listened and gave some of the best advice ever. But no matter what happened or what I did or anything...I knew he was there. He was there and that wouldn't change, even if I did. And that helped more than anything."

"I guess what I'm tryna say is-" He swipes at his eyes harshly. "Awsten is accepting, Geoff. He has the biggest heart I've ever seen. He loves everyone. He likes to say he's nothing like his sister but he is everything like her. They both love so hard and so much. And Aws, he- he loves you no matter what, even when you-" His voice breaks. "Especially when you don't love yourself."

"Otto, I..." Geoff trails off. "I don't know what to say, holy shit..."

"You don't have to say anything," he replies. "Just- you've got someone there, okay? You've got someone special. Let him help you. That's all he wants to do. I know you feel so shitty about things and who you are and everything's a mess, but...he understands more than you think. And he'll give you everything even if he doesn't. He'll make you feel comfortable while you figure it out. He's- he's really good at that."

"I know." Geoff's voice softens. He looks down at Awsten, tousles a hand through his hair. "He's amazing."

"He really is."

Otto straightens and wipes at his eyes again. He makes his way over to the door, but stops in the doorway and turns back. "And Geoff?"

Geoff looks back up at him.

"Putting him back together after everything was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. So just...if you hurt him, I will come after you. You'll be dead or you'll wish you were."

for those of yall that asked about otto, i hope this cleared things up lmao