dichotomy ; gawsten

thirteen

so drunk geoff in the last chapter is now hungover geoff, aka he pukes and hates his life so if that triggers you be careful

The room is spinning.

He shuts his eyes as soon as he opens them. The simple act of squeezing his eyelids closed brings sparks that explode and dig in and set off every pain receptor in his body. He shivers. It feels like everything is moving even though he can't see it. The colored spots dancing amongst the black are shifting as he sits up and turns his head.

"Oh my god..." he moans, bringing a hand up to his temple. He can't open his eyes. It hurts. The light hurts the movement hurts it all hurts fuck why did he do this what happened last night what did he do oh god ohgodohgodohgod.

"Geoff?"

He stops.

He feels his heart physically break out from its suspension in his chest and sink down into the pit of his stomach, beginning to pulse rapidly on the journey. The heat is next, washing over him like the sun decided to beat solely down on him in this particular moment. He opens his eyes. The bright light pierces his corneas and he winces, putting a hand on his forehead, just above his eyebrows, as a makeshift form of shade.

Awsten is standing in front of him with a cup and a bottle of pills. "Geoff, hey, you okay?"

"I..." He chokes out. His stomach is rolling. He feels the liquid sloshing around and hitting the walls. He's been sober for almost a year. Well, he was.

Until last night.

He brings the hand down from his forehead and covers his mouth. Awsten can't see him he doesn't know where the bathroom is he's gonna puke on their carpet oh god oh god oh god.

He looks around wildly. The kitchen light is on and there's a trashcan in the corner, right next to the last counter.

He won't make it that far.

"Fuck..." The next thing out of his mouth is going to be vomit he's gonna puke on their floor he's already embarrassed himself enough why is this happening to him why is this his life whywhywhy.

"There's a bucket right there." A new voice. Otto. He steps forward to stand next to Awsten, motioning to the ground. He looks down and sees the bucket, on the floor next to the couch.

He scrambles for it and he's barely gotten it in his lap before he's puking. Hot tears are pouring down his cheeks and it smells and that's making him more nauseous and he wants to die he really wants to die he wants to disappear he wants to get out he can't be here anymore.

When he finally lifts his head he closes his eyes. Heat is traveling up his back and his hands are shaking and his heart is pounding. Why is this happening to him why is this happening why.

"Here." That's Awsten's voice. He accepts the tissue and wipes his mouth, keeping his gaze on the bucket.

"I got that," Otto says. He pulls the bucket away and holds it away from him, screwing his nose up. "Jesus Geoff, how much did you drink?"

"I, um..." He trails off, eyes never leaving his lap. He fucked up he fucked up oh god he fucked up.

"I'll leave y'all to talk," Otto continues. "Gonna go clean this out."

Geoff waits until he hears Otto's footsteps get further and further away. He buries his face in his hands. They start slipping off, skin quickly becoming saturated with liquid. He bites his lip and presses down until he draws copper.

"Do you remember anything?" Awsten asks. The couch dips beside him.

The panic attack. Not being able to explain anything to Chloe. The bar the drinks the crying. He had to have ended up here somehow did he drive did he crash did he hit someone fuckfuckfuck. "Did I...how'd I get here?"

"You called a cab, apparently," Awsten giggles. "I talked to Jawn this morning and he said you called him crying and begged for our address. And then you pounded our door down at 4 in the morning – and pissed off the entire building." Another giggle. "But really Geoff, it's okay. You didn't do anything."

"I called you pretty," Geoff says slowly. "Oh my god..." It's all starting to come back. It was little flashes before, and now they're starting to combine into one big picture. "Fuck I- I havta." He stands up and wobbles on his feet. The world is spinning around him. He feels like he just got off the worst roller coaster ever.

"Geoff." Awsten's voice is firm. "Sit down. Right now."

He's too dizzy and the world is moving too fast so he obeys. He puts his head in his hands and bites down harder on his lip. You fucked up you fucked up you fucked everything up you useless piece of shit why can't you do anything right why are you such a mess why do you ruin every good thing that comes to you why are you so horrible why why why.

"It's okay," Awsten says. Softer this time. Gentle. "You're okay. I know you didn't mean it. You were drunk. It's okay."

"It's so- everything's so fucked up..." There's a lump in his throat. "I havta go..."

"No." A hand clamps down on his wrist. He holds back a wince. The cuts are still healing but it doesn't hurt as much as when Awsten grabbed them when they were fresh. "You're not doin' this again. You're not running away. You're going to talk to me."

"There's nothing-"

"That's bullshit and you know it." Awsten cuts him off immediately. "Remember that day in the park? When you ran away?"

"Awsten, I'm so sorry..." He wants to crawl into a hole and curl up in a ball and just. Die.

"Shut up," Awsten replies. "After Otto picked me up, on the way home, you know what I was thinking about? All I could think about?"

"What?"

"That you might've killed yourself, Geoff." He hears tears when Awsten speaks next. He's getting choked up and Geoff doesn't understand why. "Look, I don't know why you think you're not allowed ta have problems 'cause you have like, fame and shit. That's so fuckin' fucked up. Whatever you're feeling is valid and beating yourself up for feeling it is only making it worse."

"You lost-"

"I don't fucking care what I lost!" Awsten cries. "You wanna know what I did after? I cried. For months. I cried and had pity parties and locked myself in my room and hated myself and my life and the universe for so long. And one day I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore so I made an appointment with a therapist and worked my shit out." He drops his voice down. "I know I'm not a therapist. But y'know what one of the perks of not bein' able ta see is?"

"What?"

"You get really good at listening." Awsten smiles. "So talk, Geoff. I'm here to listen. And I swear to fuckin' god, if the next word that comes outta your mouth is somethin' about how you aren't allowed to feel sad or shit, I'm gonna get my cane and beat you with it."

"Awsten, I-"

He stops talking because Awsten slings an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in close and it feels like fireworks are going off inside of him something is exploding it's warm everything is warm the panic is fading everything is fading it's just warmwarmwarm.

"You're hurting, Geoff," Awsten's voice is so soft. "You're hurting so bad and it hurts to watch because you don't deserve any of it. And I see you, beating yourself up for feeling the bad things and hating yourself for having the thoughts to begin with, and I just... It makes me so sad because that's so much self-hatred and you don't deserve any of it. You're worth love, Geoff. You're worth happiness. And you deserve to feel all those things just as much as I or anyone else does. But you're not feeling them right now because you're in so much pain, and all I want is for you to let me in. I want to help you. Let me help you. Life isn't supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be this hard. I want to make it easier. I care about you Geoff, so much, so please...can you just let me? Let me care about you. Let me help you. Because you deserve all of it and so much more."