People came and went around them, heels clicking, digging into crunching snow, people running to reach an obviously important meeting, or people on their cell phones wishing their families a merry Christmas, but for James everything stopped.
The world was just a solid and a mute ground underneath him, made for him, Just to support him through his bliss. Once he tasted her, he realized he was starving all along. He kissed her back longingly, a hand placed on her cheek, barley placed.
As for Jade, she had no idea why she did it, she knew it's because James was there, right before her, inviting, welcoming, likable. Yet really, was it because of her fury at Leo? or just because she wanted to move on vastly fast, or, and most likely, because of her grief, being broken up with for almost no reason at all? she wanted to prove her innocence, her white intentions, her loyalty.
maybe just to make him jealous? She wondered helplessly, although knowing she's not that person she's trying to be.
They broke apart, and their eyes met, James was still holding her cheeks, not getting enough of her.
But Jade didn't feel right, she wasn't smiling happily after it, nor was she upset, she was feeling quite empty, hollow, and she hated herself for it.
And a part of her knew why, but she pushed it aside.
"That was...sudden." He said, breathing heavily. She felt his heart beat from where she was sitting, his heat radiating off to her, he was there, very much there. Tangible. He smiled.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again shortly, not knowing what to say, what to reason her actions with. Does she like him? Does she really want to do this? She can't say anything yet, her emotions were a mess, and if she promises something, she'll regret it. Again. But if she doesn't, she may also regret it.
So she just stared at him blankly, unable to form words from her jumbled head. Only particular words kept spinning in her mind.
Regret, Leo, kiss, regret, Leo, regret, kiss...
"Jade?" He asked, scared for her to change her mind. "Please speak to me." He whispered.
"I..well...I should probably head back home." She said, getting hold of her purse. James furrowed his eyebrows, letting go of her face, slowly, confused.
"Right." He said. "Want me to...drop you off?" He asked, hopeful.
"No..." She said, looking at him, trying to choose her words carefully, she doesn't want to hurt him. "No need for that, it's right there." She pointed down a road. "My mother is probably worried, so it's okay I'll drop myself off. Thank you for today, James, I appreciate it, I really do. See you tomorrow." She said, already skipping away. She stopped, considering something, she walked back to him, and pecked him on his cheek. He smiled. She smiled back awkwardly, only then she walked home. She thought she owed him at least that much, after leaving without an explanation.
What do you want exactly, Jade? He asked, walking back home, confused, this time, yet humming his favourite song.
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Cold floors were Leo's best friends. He thought they were amazing, don't you? They're always by your side, they never leave, they know who you really are, it's where you open up, your vulnerability shows, exposes. They don't want to be there just cause you're popular, known, they're there through your low and high. There to numb you.
Tears reddened his eyes, slicing through his cheeks. That's why he chooses cold tiles, to numb the pain, maybe making him feel physically distracted, is better than his current frame of mind.
Earlier, he had opened their fridge, and took one of Kevin's beer cans, he stared at the foreign drink in his hands, apparently a poisonous one, too, as he heard. Was he ready to do that? To drink a whole can of the unbearable drug that he always tried to resist? Just over a girl?
But she's not some girl.
Nothingness, Leo walked back to the uncarpeted hallway, and sat down, opened the the sharp, steal can, and stared at the gas endured out of the bottle, it smelled toxic, it probably formed the words 'don't' or 'no', he stared at it a bit more, conscious of the consequence, but unconsious of his hands getting closer to his mouth.
The coldness touched his chapped lips, his lips absorbing the refreshing fluid, then he kept there, he hesitated to swallow, weather it would be too intense, too new for him, but he gulped, anyhow, then instantly felt the exotic and unfamiliar burning through his throat, he could feel it dripping all the way down his virgin body, still burning. He winced.
Hm. Good enough.
He thought, and it was, in fact, a good enough distraction from her.
After he gulped down that can, he couldn't quite feel his head, it felt light, like a feather, his vision turned hazy, he was no longer aware of his surroundings. Leo chuckled in bliss.
Perfect.
He drank three more.
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Jade pulls on her running shoes from the box under the bed, changes into sweatpants and, shoving her phone in her pocket, she sets off at a run.
She passes pigeons, standing on an upturned crate, watching silently as she heads off among snow, she faces in front of her. She doesn't want to talk.
It's early afternoon, and the edges of the river are mottled with stray meadrung office workers going back after long lunches, groups of schoolchildren, bossed and herdered by teachers, bored young mother's with ignored babies, texting distractedley as they push buggies.
She runs, ducking in and out of them, slowed only by her two tight lungs and occasional stitch, running until she is just another body in the crowd, invisible, indistinguishable. She runs until her shins burn, until sweat forms a T across her back. She runs until it hurts, until she can think of nothing but the simple, physical pain.
She wants to ignore her flimsy love life. Her, as she thought of it, too dramatic of actions. She hated everyone for confusing her, manipulating her feelings, true they didn't mean to, but they did. She didn't like that, she can't bear with it.
She thought she'd come back to New York to be a hardly known person upon a hundred more candidates, just, as she is now, another body in the crowd, oh how that would've been great now, wouldn't it? No love triangles, two friends maximum, good grades, not slipping ones.
She thought she'd step in her house, her head sorted out, aware of what she's going to do. But she didn't, she was clueless as ever, she came home, her mind as empty as she left.
She dropped on her bed, sitting, her shoulders slouched. Staring at her, now, muddy sneakers.
What the hell am I going to do?
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"Answer, answer." Spencer kept muttering under a thin sheet of his voice, his feet clicking impatiently on the floor, his posture wary, expecting his cease to be visible friend's voice through the phone. "C'mon man!" He said, irritated. He dialled one more time, then, finally, Leo picked up.
"Heyyy..this is Leooo." Leo answered with an obviously dazed voice.
"Um..hey man, damn, what's wrong with your...I don't know you sound off? Anyways, I've been calling you non stop now where have you been, where are you now? Please tell me you're not doing something stupid! You left me waiting en~"
"Why can't aaaiii leave you? Is she..like..the ooonlyy one allowed to leave me? Why can't I leave too?" Leo was half shouting, half unconscious. Spencer didn't like how Leo sounded, it sounded new to him, it sounded like his uncle when he came late at night, it sounded like people he saw in comedic movies, it sounded like his family at the end of a new year's party. It sounded like...
Oh no.
"Leo you~"
"I left her." He said with a broken voice, then laughed hysterically.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" Spencer barked into Leo's, now, unfocused ears.
"Why don't you ask heeerrr? She goes for the douche Jane and then not tell meee?!"
"You're drunk." Spencer said, as a matter of fact, then put his hands on his face, fed up with his sinful friend.
Who the hell is Jane? He couldn't help but wonder.
"Oh, nooo! I'm not allowed to drink, remember?!" Leo said. Then looked down at the can in his hands. "Oh." He realized. "I guess I am." He chuckled.
"I'm coming over." Spencer hung up before listening to anymore of his grieving friend's words, it's not like anything he said was helpful.
When he reached Leo's house, he banged on the front door, calling for Leo, asking him to open up, trying to get him to focus with him, sure not totally sober, but close.
"The back doooorrr is open." His words slurred through the silence of the night, along with the cricketing crickets.
"Ugh." Spencer groaned, then went to the backdoor, opened it, and ran past sad and dusty furniture through to see Leo sitting on the floor, wearing his shorts, it must be freezing, he thought. His eyes were red, bloodshot. He looked miserably psychotic.
And then there was the can in his hands.
It was looking back at Spencer, innocently, mocking him. As if asking, what are you gonna do about it now?
Leo's face looked ahead, right at Spencer, but his eyes didn't seem to watch, to see, as if lost in their own world, lost in their stray world.
He ran his way. Getting hold of him, helping him on his feet.
"Leo, oh what the hell dude! We promised you won't do this to yourself man!"
"What's the point? If I'm going to drink it anyways then why not get on with it? Righhhhtt?!"
"It's not the time for one of your life poems, even when you're drunk you're still this philosopher." Spencer complained, walking with a limping Leo to the bathroom, as soon as Leo's head brushed by the door, he went for the toilet, opened it, and threw up crazily.
"Sh*tty hell, Leo!" Spencer said, with a disgusted grimace. "How many cans did you drink? Two?"
"Four." He said, fighting through his coughs.
"Fou~?! Of course." Spencer said, throwing his arm in the air factually.
Leo was tucked in nicely, drinking a cup of a foggy glass of water, thanking god for the change of the sentiment through his sore body. The pure liquid already doing him good. He placed it on his side table, beside his electric guitar.
Spencer was waiting patiently for him to finish, sitting beside him, with no pressure nor unnecessary words. But his looks were concerned, yet unforgiving.
"Don't look at me like that." Leo mumbled, rolling his eyes.
"Like what? Like how a person that looks at his newly drunk friend?! Yeah, I'll try."
"Dude, I'm sorry..I~"
"Forget her, okay?! You guys don't go together for a reason, look at you! She got to drink, Leo! Drink!"
"I know...bu~"
"Save it." He said disappointingly, leaving.
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"Mom! I'm home! I got some soda?" Jade called.
"Thanks, dear." Kate smiled at her daughter.
And there it was, the awkwardness. The past few days were weird for Jade, with her mother, she means. They never conversed, only stolen words here and there, longing stares, which were very hard to deal with for Jade. She was never like this around her mother, now, it's different, she just now came to realize, and she hates herself for it, for letting her mother's closeness, and warm embrace slip away from her, in front of her eyes.
And it's not happening anymore.
"Hey...mum?" She asked, looking with confronting eyes to her mother, her mother stared back at her, she immediately knew that they're talking about it. She knew.
"Yes?" Her voice broke.
"I'm..I'm sorry...I'm." She tried to form words. She just hugged her. "I just love you so much, mum." She said, apologetically. "Please forgive me. I'm such an ungrateful little brat. Sometimes..." She stated.
Kate hugged her back tightly. "Oh, honey." She smiled, her eyes closed. "I forgive you."
"Good, I guess." She said, facing her mother.
Her mother stared at her, a mischievous glint in her eyes. Jade stepped back.
"Mum?"
Kate came closer. Jade smiled, putting her hands in surrender.
"Mum, now please, c'mon" she chuckled deniably.
"Here comes the tickle monster!" Kate warned, then tickled Jade to the floor.
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He'll just hide the fact that he got drunk yesterday, it just never happened, he's still very much Leo, more grown up, in a way, but Leo nothingness.
But he couldn't help but feel insecure, if that's what it's called, the feeling. It's uncomfortable, it's as if everyone knows, everyone around him is staring at him, acussingly, shamefully, disgusted by him and his actions, his head was thumping so bad, with a killing migrane. He feels like everyone's heads are feeling it too, irritated by it, like he caused it.
He's not and never will be the same Leo again. Not after that. And he wants people to punish him for it.
Go ahead. He scoffed, under his breath, looking into a girl's eyes, he could see his bloodshot eyes in hers, his paled skin, his hazy gaze. He'd been looking into her face for a bit now, that she stopped, thinking he wanted to talk to her, her hopes high.
"Hey! need help with something?" She smiled politely.
Suddenly, her eyes were back to hazel, her skin bright with colour, makeup, even. Her vision steady, present, it made him feel worse, for a second, he thought he wasn't the only one, he thought normal people, once as clean as he was, got drunk with him too, it almost reassured him. But it wasn't real.
He speed walked away, still looking at her now confused face, then marched to his locker. He opened it, breathing heavily, for a reason he couldn't guess. He had a mirror, he looked at his reflection, he didn't recognize himself right away. He's not Leo. He's just a mess up, a mistake, a coincidence. He was also angry.
He punched the mirror, it broke to shreds, only some of it left on the locker's door. He realized what he did, then looked behind him.
Then he saw her, standing, like she's been there for a while. Watching him. Her eyes wide, non believers. Leo's eyes softened. He thought, just for a moment, that she's going to come up to him, tell him it was all a joke, a prank she pulled on him, with her ever so warm aroma.
She blinked, then took off, looking at the floor, like he was just a scotch of dirt on the way, a small show that was interesting, but is vastly forgotten. His eyes followed her, longingly, till she turned the hall.
"Dude, what the hell, Leo! Your hands are bleeding!" Spencer scolded, wiping his hand with a tissue.
"Oh." Leo just realized. "I didn't know." He said, his voice didn't sound like his. Spencer looked the way Leo's gaze fell, but found no one. He looked back at Leo, and saw him checking the whole hall out, for a certain person that he already had an idea who she was.
"Leo, stop, seriously now, come." Spencer rolled his eyes, took Leo by his bleeding knuckles, and went off, as far away as possible, he doesn't know where that is, the school is surrounded by her, basically. But far away it is.
Oh god. She thought.
Mirror, shreds, bloodied knuckles. His blood, his hand. His calm and soothing hands, that used to be soft against hers, protective, there to support her, to steady her, after he used to...
Kiss me.
She thought, then, before she does anything she regrets, she just wanted to stomp away, but his ash eyes looked her way, and how that was a sight she couldn't handle seeing. Eyebags surrounding his eyes, his once soft lips were chapped, his eyes were no longer silver, no longer glinting like stars in the day light, they were stormy and ashy.
Every time he looks at her, she feels like she's exposed, like he can see through her, like she's transparent. He looked so vulnerable, so feeble, so raw. She felt that she's the one that could see his plain soul, as weird as that sounded for her own thoughts.
Then, before she does anything she regrets, she heads off. She wanted to hug him right there, to ressure him, to tell him everything was going to be fine, alright. But she didn't.
She sighed with overwhelming and suffocating feelings. She turned a hall. She hit a hard surface. She got used to it, and now was not his time.
"Why do you really like it down there?" James chuckled.
"Why are you so tall?!"
"To hold you."
She blushed. "Whatever." She mumbled.
"Oh, I wasn't kidding." He said, then Jade was swooped off her feet, her eyes widen, her legs dangle helplessly.
"Oh my god, James, put me down!"
"Nah, thanks I'm good."
"I wasn't asking you, you ugly toenail!"
"Still."
"James!"
"Hmm."
"Now!"
"Ugh, fine, you're no fun, are you?" Before he places her down, she saw a pair of grey eyes in the middle of a crowd, they weren't paying attention to any of the individuals around it, they were just focusing on hers, broken.
Jade looks away. She smiles at James.
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"Hey guys!" Jade saluted.
"Hello, honeysuckle!" Ezabel said, pushing her glasses up to the bridge of her nose. " I missed you!"
"I missed you too!" She said. And she meant it. She misses Mom Ezabel.
"Sup." Christopher said, munching noisily as he ate his pickle sandwich. Yep, he had his own taste in food, Jade could tell.
"Greet her nicely!" Ezabel scolded, then got a tissue and started cleaning his face that was drenched with pickle juice.
"Stop that!" He complained.
"If I don't clean your face up, you're going to turn into an actual pickle yourself!" She scolded. Jade chuckled.
She sighed.
I'm back.
She thought, but she knows she wasn't. She knew she was lying to herself, but anything to fulfil that missing part would be great for lunch.
I think that's my order then.
When lunch was over, Jade almost did what she normally does. She's used to walk Leo's way, go enjoy a match of soccer or basket ball, but then she stopped before reaching his table to turn around, but she couldn't. She kept there, glued to the floor, not knowing where to go, or where she was going was the right place or not.
Leo looked at her, waiting, wanting to see what she's doing, he then remembered that they have to play soccer together, but he also remembers that they broke up. He looked away. She walked away.
He was right under the sun. His eyes still weren't glinting.
But James wasn't an idiot he watched them, exchange glances, but, as undesirable it was for him, he left her to.
I owe her that much, at least.
"Jade!" James called.
"Yes?"
"We need to..." he trailed off, not knowing how to say it. "Talk."
"About what?" She wondered.
"Y'know...us?"
"Oh." Jade was trying to avoid this specific conversation that whole day.
"Yeah."
"Well...James?"
"Yes?"
"Youre great, and I like you and all.."
But?
"But I think it's too early for me to get into another relation ship, y'know? I'm still...moving on." She stated.
He hated that.
"Jade, what is it?"
"I swear, that's it!" They were in an empty hall by now.
"Is he that hard to move on from? I mean look at him! He's just so snobby and cocky and...and.."
"Popular? Yeah I think that was my problem."
"It's everyone's problem."
"Yeah."
"Still." He held her hands, his breath fanning her neck. "What is it?"
Jade was looking into his green jewels, trying to deny the truth under her blue ones.
"I..." She doesn't know how to put it. "I'll just say it...I...still love him, very much, actually."
James clenched his jaw. But tried to understand her.
"And I don't know what to do...how do these girls get over him like it's easy, and for me its like world war thre~" in an instant, James's lips were on hers. He couldn't take listening to her, about how she loves a guy he loathes. He needed to remind her that he was there, that he got hurt when she said that, that he's there to fill Leo's space, to vanish him, to help. He'll demand her respect indirectly, it's about time.
Just focus on us with me.
His lips were soft, yet harsh on hers, nibbling on hers slowly, tasting every bit of her, caring. He wanted to show her he cared.
"What does he have that I don't?" He said, before kissing her cheeks, her jaw, then her neck hungrily, like he needed her. "I don't think I lack much." He whispered near her earlob. Jade shivered slightly, she was never touched like that, it was new to her, and she surprisingly liked how James held her waist carefully, how his hand was on the back of her neck, bringing her closer, because it's never close enough. How his hand snaked around her, and was placed on her back, like she's his precious gem.
He bit her lower lip gently, then pulled back. "Hmm? Tell me." He whispered, Jade couldn't help but catch how raspy his voice was, how deep and attractive it sounded then. She tried to look like it didn't affect her, not one bit.
"Nothing, at all." Jade smiled, she couldn't hide her uneven breathes, causing James to grin boyishly. "You're perfect. I just need time." She looked anywhere but him.
"I'll help you forget him." He pecked her on her lips one last time. "Promise."
"Oh, I already forgot him." Jade joked. James chuckled a deep chuckle, he then held her, and spun her around in the empty hall, grunting mischievously, his sneakers echoing through the unforgiving silence.
"James I'll literally throw up I'm so dizzy stop!"
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Leo entered his decaying house, he avoided Kevin in the ketchin, then threw his bag on his bed, furiously.
His lips on hers, her lips on his.
He kept searching through drawers.
His face buried in her neck.
He got hold of the small plastic object.
His hands on her.
He then found his guitar, and started playing his emotions out.
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Yep....I just wrote that hehe.
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Byeeee