Chapter Eighty-Five
Eli
The rage building up in me as Dani tells me her nightmare actually scares me. Trust me, I've been angry. I've experienced my fair share of hate and rage, but nothing like this. If Dani wasn't curled up against my side I would be completely tearing this room apart. I'm really struggling to keep a lid on this rage and I have to really make a conscious effort to trample it down enough that I don't scare Dani. As much as I want to lash out and let her know how angry these people make me, I can't take the risk that I'll scare her. If I frighten her now, it'll be something I will never rectify properly. She'll always wonder if I'm going to do it again. She'll always be wary that I might lose the control again.
When she thinks out loud, accidentally letting me know she thinks she's a Bratva whore, my heart can't actually take any more. I wince at her words and I know she felt it. I couldn't control that reaction. To hear those words spill from her mouth was just a final blow that my heart couldn't take. That's what she actually thinks about herself and I need her to realize it's not true.
She doesn't believe my words, I can sense that. I know her well, better than she thinks I do. I don't need to know the whole sordid history to know my girl. I think the Tyler thing sparked this nightmare and a thought runs through my mind, filling my bones and blood with icy coldness. I whisper, “Dani? I need to ask you something and I need you to be completely truthful with me, even if you don't think I'll like the answer. Ok?”
I know this is not how she wants the conversation to go and I'm in agreement with her. I don't want to ask her this, but now that I've thought of it, there's a burning need to know.
“I'll try, sir.”
There's no easy way to ask, so I just blurt it out. “My brother... He was never... there... was he?”
The words a painful and taste disgusting as they leave my mouth. It would explain why she was so frightened of him. I don't want it to be true, but I need her to confirm it. She seems to sense my urgency because she quickly answers, “No sir, he wasn't. I promise.”
I let out a huge sigh and rest my forehead against the back of Dani's head. “I'm sorry, baby. I needed to know.”
“It's ok, Eli. I would tell you if he was.”
“I don't want you to believe those horrible things about yourself, Dani. It hurts me so much to hear that. My heart can't bear that you really think those things about yourself. Even if you don't say them, I know you still believe them. I don't want you to even think those things, let alone believe them. Tell me how I can make those thoughts stop...”
I feel her tense against my side and I so desperately want to scoop her into my arms and run my fingers through her hair. He hair has grown quite quickly. It's in her face a lot and when she tucks it behind her ears, it often flies loose quickly. I lift a hand and gingerly run it through her soft blonde strands. At first she tenses but then she sighs and I'm sure I hear her reminding herself it's just me.
We sit quiet and still for a long time, with me continuing to run my fingers through her hair. I think she's fallen asleep, but then she whispers, “I don't think you can make them stop, Eli. I can never tell you everything that happened there, so you will never know what I'm truly like...”
“But that wasn't you. You did those things because you were forced to; you had no choice in the matter. How is that being who you truly are? What they made you be is not your real self. I know it has changed you; it has made you into a different person, but it's not who you are. If it was, you'd be exactly the same now. I don't see you behaving that way, so where is this girl that you were in there? Where did she go? Because you know what I think? I think she died in there. The day they threw you out, that's when she died and you had a tiny sliver of the real you spark back to life. You may not be there one hundred percent, but you're not that girl they made you be. You aren't her and I will tell you so every day if I have to. You aren't her.”
“After hearing what I just told you, you don't hate me?”
How can someone have such low self esteem? Bringing someone's confidence down is a lot easier than trying to build it up.
“No, baby. I could never hate you. I hate what they made you do, I hate the people who took you, I hate the people that went there, but I will never hate you. In fact, quite the opposite actually...”
I take a pause and a deep breath, ready to confess something to her. Knowing that her confidence and self esteem are so low makes the decision to tell her a necessity, like the air I need to breathe.
“I do love you, you know that, right?”
I hear her gasp and stiffen. I've frightened her, but she needs to hear it.
Her voice is timid as she asks, “How?”
“How do I love you?”
She nods against my fingers and I say, “How can I not? You are just amazing. I don't see what you see in yourself. I know bad things happened to you, and that enrages me, but I'm more concerned with the you that's in front of me. You had a power over me from the first time I saw you. I might not have known it then, and it wasn't love at first sight, but you had something I knew I was supposed to share. That doesn't sound as good out loud as it did in my head. I'm not saying I don't care about your past, because it hurt you, so of course I care. But it's not going to make me run away or leave or whatever because I know I'm supposed to be with you. No matter what life throws at us, I'm going to be right here, with you. Unless you want me to leave... and then I'll just have to think of ways to change your mind...”
I feel her sob and then she whispers, “I don't want you to leave. But I'm scared, Eli. I don't want to hurt anymore...”
“I know. I don't want you to hurt anymore, and I certainly don't want to be the cause of that hurt. I can only promise that I will never intentionally hurt you. I might do or say stupid things at some point, but I always want you to remember that it's never to intentionally hurt you. I know you can't say those words back to me, I understand that, and it's ok. You don't need to say anything to show me you care...”
“Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“Thank you. Just... thank you...”
“I didn't do anything, but you're welcome.”
“You've done everything. I would be dead if you weren't here. My poppa was right...”
“What was he right about?”
“He told me...”
“Told you...? That I love you?”
“Yes sir.”
I smile, “He was right. He's a wise man, Dani. He probably knew it before me.”
“You don't think I'm crazy for hearing his voice?”
She sounds shocked by that.
“Of course not. Who am I to question that? I've never had that experience, but that doesn't mean it's not real to you. Granted I've never been clinically dead either, so the chances that you saw him are very high. You assure me you saw and heard him, so I believe you.”
I hear her whisper, “No more lies...”
It's become her new motto, but I have no idea where it came from. So I ask. “Dani? You keep saying that. Where did it come from?”
She's quick to answer, “My poppa.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. He asked me if I was to die, what would be the one thing I would change... I told him all the lies... So many lies...”
“What lies? Not telling everyone your past isn't lying, baby.”
She shakes her head and I risk draping an arm across her side/stomach. She tenses, so I hold still and allow her to get used to the contact. Her breathing hitches, so I whisper, “It's just me, Dani. Fight the memories. Don't let them take over. I'm right here...”
It takes her a few minutes to calm down and relax slightly. I know she's not completely relaxed, but she's not freaking out or running away; that's a definite improvement.
“I lied to Social Services about my name...”
“When you were young?”
“Yes sir. I told them it was Tatyana...”
I think for a few minutes. “That's why Viktor and Babkin called you Tatyana. Why did you do that?”
“Honestly? I don't really know. Why does a grieving ten year old do a lot of stuff? Maybe I didn't want anyone calling me by the name my parents called me. I don't know.”
“That's not really a bad lie though, Dani.”
“It started the lies. They got easier to tell, I suppose. There's so much, Eli.”
“You want to talk about it? You know I'm not going to judge. I've got skeletons in my closet as well, baby. I'm the last person that has a right to judge...”
“I shouldn't be at the precinct, Eli...”
“What? Why not? That's the best place for you...”
“I did bad things before working for you guys... No, not those bad things... You once asked me what I did to get my apartment...”
“Dani, if you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I'm not going to make you tell me anything.”
“No, it's ok. Maybe you'll see what I'm really like. No more lies... I did work with computers... I was a hacker of some sort...”
“A hacker? I would never have guessed that. What did you do? Actually, is there information that I'll have to report if you tell me? I don't want to have to answer any questions that will put you in danger...”
“I got information for people, whatever way I could.”
I let out a puff of breath, “Wow, just wow. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be at the precinct though. You were in a tough situation. You know better now and I'm assuming you wouldn't do that stuff again, right?”
“Oh! No sir. Not unless you or the Cap asked me to.”
I chuckle, she called him the Cap. I don't give her the chance to think about the slip as I quickly say, “Good to know. Can I ask you something?”
“Yes sir.”
“How did you pass your psych evaluation? The written one I get, that must have been pretty standard for you, but the oral one? That's something I've been wondering about for a while.”
“It was only the Captain there for the oral test. I just dosed myself up on every herb known to man to try to keep myself quiet. I think the Captain thought I was a little crazy...”
“Maybe. I'm surprised he didn't pick up on that. Although herbal remedies aren't against regulations. Well, the usual illegal remedies aside, of course.”
“I didn't use marijuana, sir.”
“I didn't think you would. While we're on the subject of no more lies, can I tell you my own truth?”
She seems nervous as she nods, so I place a kiss on the back of her head to try to reassure her. “You know when I used to hand you my gun, when you were scared? Well, I always took the clip out first... There were never any bullets in it...”
She lets out a tiny gasp and I feel bad for deceiving her for so long.
“Not even one in the chamber?”
“No ma'am. I'm sorry I lied to you, but if you'd have shot anyone with my gun, I'd have lost my job. I couldn't risk anyone getting hurt or breaking the oath I took. I just wanted you to feel safer, that's all. It's the only thing I could think of at the time to try to bring you back to reality. I'm sorry...”
“It's ok, sir. I understand.”
“You're not angry or disappointed?”
“No sir. I understand why you did it. I know now that you would never have put me in any danger. I get that now.”
“I would never put you in danger deliberately. My first thought is always to ensure you are safe. That is always my priority.”
“Thank you. Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“I think I should try meeting with Dr. Stone's daughter...”
Inside I am jumping up and down right now. I want Dani to try to heal and leave these awful things behind her and I really do think seeing this therapist will help with that. I don't want to make a big deal out of Dani's decision, so I just say, “Ok, I'll call her to set up an appointment. You think you can go back to sleep?”
“I'll try. Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“You won't go anywhere, will you?”
“No, sweetheart. I'm staying right here. I'll be right here when you wake up.”
“Ok.”
Dani places her hand over mine and entwines our fingers. If that isn't enough to shock me, the next move she makes leaves me reeling. She slowly lifts our hands and places a brief and soft kiss to the back of my hand. I know my breathing hitches and I'm almost certain her's does too. I don't do or say anything because I don't want to embarrass her. Instead, I just place a kiss on the top of her head and whisper a goodnight.