My mother looked horrible, but for the first time in years she was sober and clean. It was an intimidating sight. Her hair was washed and combed out. Her hands were shaking as she held a glass of water. Her eyes were bloodshot, but completely focused on us. They were not glazed over or darting from left to right. She was staring out in front of her as she sat by the kitchen table. Skye and I both sat nervously across from her. We did not know what to expect. She moved her hand to touch her head and I flinched. I wonder if the fight last night had anything to do with this sudden change of heart.
"Look. I am going to try to take better care of you. To be a better mother." Skye frowned. I could see his lip pull up as his face grimaced.
"If you cared about us at all you would tell him to leave"
"I can't. It is..."
"Look at what he did to me mom! Look!" Skye jumped up and the chair fell backwards. The stitches had a few more weeks to go before he had to take them out. His nose looked purple and his lip was swollen.
"This is just the tip of the ice berg of what that monster has done to us. If you really loved us you will leave him." His aggression scared me. This was not my brother.
"It is not that easy." I could see tears forming in her eyes.
"Him or us. That sounds pretty clear to me. I do not know how much more of this I can take. I am going to Nat's. It will give you some time to make up your mind. I am getting pretty tired of being his punching bag." He grabbed his coat and left. He slammed the door so hard that the window shook. I could hear a dog barking somewhere in the distance. I could hear our neighbor's television. It sounded like a Rugby match was on. There were children laughing somewhere. Just another normal day.
I wanted my mother to choose us, but why would she start to do that now? Whatever Goliath was doing to Skye, it was slowly changing my brother into a distant memory. Why could my mother not see how much he was hurting us? Why could my mother not love us enough? Why did my mother love to get high and drunk more than us? How could my mom love a monster like Goliath?
These are probably things that I will never understand.
"Skye is right mom. I...Please mom. You can't...Goliath can't stay here anymore. One day he is going to take it too far and he is going to end up killing us." I hated the fact that I could feel my eyes tearing up. I just wanted all of this to be over. I just wanted a normal life.
This is not the first time my mother has attempted to get clean and be a better mother. The longest it has ever lasted was a few days, maybe weeks. I have learnt not to get my hopes up in these situations. I wanted to believe that she could change. I wanted to believe that she actually cared about us, but every time she changed in the past it was usually for selfish reasons. The last time was because Child Protective Services showed up. They walked her through a program and gave her classes. She pretended that she really wanted to change. That she loved us and that she would do anything to keep us. Nothing but a lie.
"I don't expect you to understand. Either of you. You have no idea what it is like. I cannot do this alone. I need..." The door slammed open before my mother could finish and Goliath walked in. He walked passed us towards the fridge. It was as if though the cold from the fridge swept through the room. Suddenly I felt rage and anger flow through me.
"Do you honestly think that it is okay to come into this house after you beat my brother up in this very kitchen last night?" He shrugged.
"Are you gonna let her talk to me like that?" He grabbed a beer from the fridge.
"Goliath not today. I have a headache." My mother held her head and sighed.
"That headache is going to get worse if you don't talk to your brat of a daughter." He slammed the beer on the table. I winced. My mother looked like a zombie as she stared out in front of her. She blinked and took the bottle of beer. A few seconds passed and I thought that she was going to start drinking the beer.
"McKenzie you should leave the house." She looked at Goliath. "I told you to stop!" She threw the bottle and it crashed into a wall. I grabbed my backpack and ran out of the door. I did not want to hear or see them fighting. At least my mother was trying to stand up to him.
I walked towards Tyler's apartment. It gave me time to think. What if this time my mother stayed clean and sober? What if when we got home she told Goliath to leave? I stopped walking and sat down on the grass. It was only then that I realized that I was crying. Why was I crying? This was so stupid. Was the idea of hope worse than not having it at all?
I wonder what Skye was going to tell me last night before Goliath interrupted us. He was keeping something from me. I wish that he would talk to me. What could be so horrible that he would not share it with me? I just wanted my brother back.
I dried my tears and continued to walk to Tyler's apartment. We had made plans to go out today. His schedule at the Red Flag was pretty unusual. He was technically still under-aged, but I was not going to rat him out. They needed the money. This was the first Saturday he had off in weeks.
The apartment was in a run-down part of town. It looked smaller than our house, but it was neater. The front garden had a few plants and the grass was cut short and green. I could hear the sounds of children screaming and laughing inside. I heard his voice over the others.
"Hey! Stop it! Emma climb off of Josh, Eric leave Micha alone! Angela where are you!" There was a noise like something falling and more yelling. I approached carefully and knocked on the door. After a few seconds a little girl opened the door. Her hair was in two messy ponytails and it was blonde. She had blue eyes and she was wearing what looked like her pajamas with unicorns on them.
"Who are you?"
"Um...Mac...Is Tyler here?"
"Are you his girlfriend?"
"Um... What? Yeah. I am actually. Is he here?"
"And what are your intentions with my brother?"
I choked on my own spit.
"Stop it Emma!" Tyler stood behind her. He was wearing a red overcoat over a white T-Shirt. He had cream pants on and brown shoes. His hair looked messy as usual and he was not wearing his glasses. He squinted his eyes.
"Mac! What's up? I am just waiting for my sister to come out of the bathroom to watch the kids. We might have to...Um...Postpone...My mom had to go to work and I think my sister has a work interview... and...Do you want to come in? I am busy attempting to make breakfast." I followed him inside and was welcomed by chaos. Only it was a good kind of chaos. There was a feeling of warmth. There were photo frames on the wall and I could smell bacon from the kitchen.
The kitchen and what looked like the living room was basically the same room.
"Hey everyone quiet! This is McKenzie, Mac this is everyone." There was silence as everyone froze and stared at me. Two identical looking boys walked towards us. They had blonde hair and blue eyes. They were wearing their pajamas which had cars on them. They looked like they could be around eleven.
"Is she your girlfriend?"
"Yes Josh she is. Now leave her alone or she will never come back. Micha where are my glasses. I know you had them."
Another boy smiled. He had brown hair like Tyler and the same ice blue eyes.
"I was just checking if they were dirty. They have oil all over them.'
"Because I am making food." Micha handed it back to him and he walked towards the old banged up oven.
A young woman with dark black hair walked into the kitchen from an extra room. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun and she wore a summer dress. She had the same eyes as Tyler. A family trait I am guessing since all of them had it. They all looked like each other. My brother and I, even though we are twins, do not really look alike.
"I got this little bro. You go and have some fun. Just don't do anything I wouldn't do." She smirked.
"Are you sure? When is your Interview?"
"Just before five."
"I will be back before then. Thank you Angie."
"Yeah. Yeah. Go have fun."
Tyler smiled and cleaned his glasses with his shirt before we left.
"Wow. You have a lot of brothers and sisters"
"Yeah. There are seven of us. Angie, Angela, is the oldest, she is eighteen. She sort of left school last year. I'm the second oldest, at sixteen, which you know, then there are the twins, Josh and Eric, they are eleven, and then Micha, who is ten, and the youngest Emma, she is six."
"It must get pretty crowded."
We walked on the sidewalk and I felt his hand grasp my hand.
"It does. But at least all of us are together." That was true. He suddenly stopped walking and softly grabbed my face.
"What happened?" He turned it slightly to look at the bruise on my forehead. I had completely forgotten about it.
"It was..." I started to lie and then I stopped. I had to tell someone. It was time. I swallowed and breathed in deeply. This was it. Was my world going to finally explode? Was my mom somehow from across town going to know that I told someone? Was this the beginning or the end?
"I...It was my mother's boyfriend. His name is Goliath. He has been living with us for about two years. He sort of pushed me and I fell and hit my head." He seemed deep in thought for a few seconds.
"And it was him all the other times?" I never really thought that anyone noticed. Guess I was wrong. I wanted to lie. It always came so easily. Instead I whispered.
"Yeah." My voice sounded shaky.
"Where is Skylar? Is he okay?"
"Yes and No. I don't know. I think he is out with Nat. Last night got a little out of hand. We had to take him to the Hospital. He is okay though. Just a few stitches. Please don't tell me to tell anyone else. I just...I don't want them to separate us." He held onto me and hugged me closely. I bit my lip and tried to stop myself from crying. Why was I so emotional today?
"I understand that you do not want to be separated from your brother, but is the fact that you can live without fear not better than this? It is your decision Mac, but I honestly think that you should talk to someone who might be able to help. I wish you guys could come live with us."
"That would be kind of difficult." I wiped the tears from my eyes. "We will be okay. We just have to stay out of his way."
"You should not have to stay out of his way though. How are you going to manage to stay away from him for two more years? " There was no pity in his eyes, but genuine concern.
"I don't know...My mom will leave him before it gets out of hand" I was not lying, I was just speaking my hopes out loud.
He held onto my hand and I squeezed it tightly. He did not push it any further, which I am extremely grateful for. I had told someone my greatest secret. I told the truth and the earth did not swallow me whole. Lighting did not strike me. I felt strangely relieved. Even if nothing really changed at least I knew that I had someone I could count on. Maybe in a few weeks I would be brave enough to tell someone else. For now this was enough.
We walked for a few minutes until we reached this small little café that had a few tables set up outside that was hidden in between lush green trees. I remember this place from the few times Skye and I came here when the Red Flag was closed. It was called "The In-between". I had not been here in a while. I sat down on a bench while Tyler went inside and got us each a coffee. What would the world be like if there was no coffee?
He came back and sat down next to me.
"I am sorry I could not take you on a formal date."
"This is perfect. Just the two of us." I laid my head against his shoulder. There was a comfortable silence between us. He had already given me the greatest gift. He believed in me.
As I laid there against him I thought about what would happen once we turned eighteen in two years. Where would we all end up? I was sure that Edith would get into Kovsies or Wits University. Tyler was really smart and he would probably get a scholarship. I have no idea what I want to be or where I will be. Will I even still be alive by then?
"What do you want to be? I mean what do you want to do after school? Have you thought about it?" I took a sip of my coffee and looked up at him.
"I want to be a photographic journalist. I want to capture those moments that people ignore and forget. I want to capture moments of hope and life. I...It probably sounds really stupid and corny. I just want people to know the truth even if it is hard to hear and see." He shrugged and smiled with a lop-sided grin.
"It is not stupid or corny. At least you know what you want to do. I have no idea."
"What do you like to do? What makes you happy?"
"Surfing." It was the first thing that came to mind. It was a very competitive sport and I had been out of commission for over a year. A lot can happen in a year. I was old news and I was only sixteen.
"Do what makes you happy Mac. Do not let fear of failure stop you from even trying."
"Do you think I am good enough though? What chance does a girl like me have?" I bit my lip.
"What type of girl would that be?"
"A nobody." I shrugged. He held my face and there was sadness in his eyes.
"You really think that don't you? You have never been nor will you ever be invisible to me." He kissed my forehead gently. "We have been given the same chances as everyone else. No matter where we grow up. It is up to us what we are going to do with it though"
What was I going to do with what I have been given? Was I going to give up before I even tried?
"And you are only sixteen. You still have a lot of time before you have to make the big decisions in life."
"Yeah. I guess. I probably have to go back to school if I want to get anywhere. I just hate the idea of going back there." I gave a nervous laugh.
"That would be a good start." He smiled. "Whatever you want to do"