"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
I had managed a short yet rather sweet nap once arriving home, having missed Josh's call with the very purpose of prioritising sleep over a conversation I was not quite ready to have.
However, I knew that ignoring his multiple calls would do much more harm than good. And with Riley returning home in a mere few minutes, I supposed it was best to get the call out of the way before explaining to her that I was talking to someone other than her father.
"I don't know what it is," he sounded more serious as the conversation went on, "I woke up this morning and I just realised that I really don't think I can wait much more. I really want to meet her."
Josh had just been explaining his reasoning for calling, mostly consisting of the very fact that he had read something in the news this morning about not saying goodbye to a loved one before they pass away or something along the lines of not wanting to regret anything before dying.
I struggled to find much correlation until Josh had spent the last twenty minutes explaining it to me with it slowly making sense. From his point of view, there was someone out there with the potential to be a person more important to his life than anyone ever has been before, and he has not yet even laid his eyes on her.
"I guess I could talk to Riley. She should be home in—"
"Can we meet this afternoon?—with Riley?"
"I guess," I tapped my foot as I stared back at my reflection in the mirror, witnessing how much needed to be done in order to feel at least decent enough to be seen around someone like Josh. "But I don't want anything to scare her, if things get tough or if Riley decides she wants to leave, that's it. I won't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do."
"I understand. I can be at the usual place this afternoon. Is three o'clock ok with you?"
I looked up at the clock on my microwave oven, reading just past noon. "I'll see you then," I confirmed to his hopeful voice, but I could tell he was just simply holding in the very excitement that would spur his thoughts until he met Riley.
Once off the phone, reality hit like a sharp stabbing pain to the chest. This was as serious as I could have possibly imagined and my mind had not yet acknowledged the fact that I hadn't spoken to Riley about the prospect of Josh becoming an important figure in her life, let alone the fact that she would be meeting him in less than three hours.
In providing myself a short amount of time alone, I hopped into the shower and managed to rid my body of the odour I could only possibly describe as the many sexual escapades Nathan and I managed to entangle ourselves into last night.
For measures only for myself, I shaved and moisturised, pampering my body more than I would usually with the prospect of meeting someone I wanted to feel better than.
Riley was dropped home shortly after I changed, greeting me with her usual pleasantries of the tightest hug she could manage and with my own lips planting hundreds of kisses all over her cheeks. "Stop it Mommy!" She giggled between strangled breaths as I lifted her into my arms, having missed her close comfort over the past twenty four hours.
"Did you have a fun sleepover?"
"We played with Gracie's new barbies, she has this many!" She outstretched her arms to reach past her shoulders, accentuating however many barbie dolls this little girl truly had.
"Well, a soon-to-be birthday girl I know might receive a few barbie dolls herself if she's lucky." I kissed her cheek again which easily followed the blissful sound of her laugh. "There's just one thing mommy needs to ask you though, sweetie."
Her beautiful eyes peered up to my height from where we were now sat down on the couch. My hair was damp and tied up, relenting my hands from distracting themselves with anything other than comforting my daughter.
"Is it about the sleepover?"
"No, Riley. It's about what we talked through before, about your daddy." She nodded her head but I could tell there was indifference in her eyes. She'd never experienced a father, and without it, she knew nothing other than the fact that some children had fathers around and hers happened to not be.
"You remember I told you that he's less busy now, and that he'd like to meet you one day?"
"Yes," she then persisted in playing with the rings on my fingers, distracting herself to the point that I decided to lift her chin up with the ease of my index finger to meet my eyes again.
"How would you feel about that happening today, Riles? This afternoon maybe."
"I get to see my daddy today?"
"Only if that's what you want," I ensured to keep the cards in my three year olds corner, as perplexing as it sounded, "this is completely your choice." Part of me was somewhat hoping for a decline to the meeting, and yet there was that small hint of a flutter in my chest when I thought about Riley actually meeting Josh and what that would now entail.
I decided to help explain the situation more as I could tell she was rather disoriented with why this was all suddenly coming up now.
"So you know how Gracie has a daddy?"
"He showed us how to play hop-scotch yesterday!"
"Yes, him." I took a deep breath, "she's had her daddy with her since she was a baby, like you once were," I tapped her nose as a giggle escaped her lips, and yet I could tell she was still listening. "Unfortunately, you didn't have your daddy around when you were a baby, but he's here now, just a little later than other daddies might be."
"Late?"
"Yes, late."
I refrained from explaining further for the reasons behind his tardiness, opting rather to keeping it for a conversation I might have with her one day when age is no longer an issue.
"Are you sure you're ok with meeting him today? I know it's a sudden—"
"I need to pick an outfit mommy!" She immediately shouted, disregarding my finishing sentence and instead, hurried across to her room.
For an unusual reason, I sensed myself welling up, although I knew it could simply be blamed on the fact that I was drawing closer to my time of the month, and also that I had just recently slipped away from a rather drunken one night stand. Yet I allowed the tears to fall, despite not knowing the exact reasoning behind them.
Riley meeting Josh was an idea I'd never thought about before. Before seeing him again, the chances were depleting with every year Riley would age and with every successful trip home when I wouldn't see anyone relating to him altogether. I hadn't expected to be in this position, helping my daughter to get ready with excitement bursting through her softened features as if I had just purchased her a years worth of barbie dolls.
She was now rummaging through her closet when I stepped up to where she was. Her short arms were stretching up to the coat hangers, attempting to pull down various outfits she intended to try on.
"Here, let me help sweetie," I pulled down her selected clothing before offering to grab a few more for her choosing. "What about this, with these?" I found a cute white floral dress with a pair of blue leggings I'd loved. I had purchased the outfit few months ago after finding it while window shopping. I imagined her wearing it and fell in love with it immediately.
I held up the clothing together as she - being the rather unchallenging child that she was - smiled and jumped up to begin dressing into the clothes.
She personally requested for me to braid her hair in two, a style she always wanted when it came to important events such as her first day of school to name one. "Does it look pretty mommy?" She grinned into the bathroom mirror as I tied off the last braid.
"You look as beautiful as ever," I kissed the back of her head, "your daddy is going to be so impressed when he sees how lovely you look."
Excitement buzzed through both her features and her actions as I lifted her off of the counter, just before she skipped hurriedly back to her room, for whatever reason, I couldn't be too sure.
While she occupied herself, I scanned my features over in the mirror I had been using for the both of us.
Despite having somewhat made myself up before Riley's arrival back home from her sleepover, I still looked the very embodiment of hungover. And that most definitely meant that something needed to change.
I washed my face properly before following with rather light make up consisting of some concealer, power, some blush and mascara in order to waken my very tired eyes. My hair was now dry and yet it still required some straightening in order to mend what was once a mess on top of my head.
When looking at my phone again, we had little under a half hour to meet Josh, which caused my heart to somersault itself inside my chest. "Are you ready, Riley?" I shouted out into the void of the apartment, separating the both of us through rooms.
When I appeared at the threshold of Riley's, she was hastily drawing over a piece of pink paper, seeming to be stressed over the crayons laid out over it. "Do you think my daddy will like it?" She crossed her arms and stared poignantly at the paper now in her hands. "I made it for him."
When I lifted the paper into my hands, the extra hormones now furiously making their way through my body were now on high alert for the tears I now felt brimming my eyes once again.
The previously blank pink paper was now occupied with a blue drawn tree, a yellow and orange merry-go round and three people, who I could only assume to be both Riley and I, and then Josh with a heart around him. If I had known she would have been this excited about her father, I would've maybe attempted contact at a time that I knew Josh could handle it, despite not having seen the man since our break up.
"I know he'll love it."
"What's my daddy like?" She lifted herself up from the ground as I held out a beige jacket for her to slip her small arms into. "Is he tall?"
"He's very tall, sweetie," I kneeled to help zip it up at the front before attending to finding both mine and her shoes. "But I think it's best you find out what he's like when you see him. I'm sure he's just as excited to meet you as you are."
We were running a little behind schedule once we finally made our way through the unexpected bustling subway station and train that led straight to battery park.
I'd been to the very familiar bench and city-view more times than I could count, and yet the feeling never grew old. Being here was always relating to Josh, and yet this was the most important of them all.
In walking, I held tighter to Riley's hand without realising it. She held the pink paper in her opposite hand as if her life depended on it and yet I couldn't help but smile as I gazed down to her enthusiastic smile before looking back up to where I was walking again.
And that's when my heart fell through my chest and into my stomach, prompting a cascade of both my hands and feet numbing in their still position at the sudden reality of the situation.
Josh was stood, facing the water and with his body titled slightly in our direction, giving me a decent view of what he was wearing, and more importantly what he was holding. His hands were accidentally wrapped a little too tightly around an Alice from 'Alice in Wonderland' plush toy causing my heart to suddenly somersault once again at his memory of her favourite book.
Here goes nothing.