The meanest dog you'll ever meet, it ain't the hound dog in the street He bares some teeth and tears some skin but brother, that's the worst of him.
The dog you really got to dread is the one that howls inside your head
It's him whose howling drives men mad, and a mind to its undoing
-Hadestown, the musical
***
Jesse came to the conclusion the world wasn't fair too early.
It was dark and stuffy under the blanket, but it muffled the sounds of his mom and the man who was currently staying with them well enough. He wanted all of it to stop: the father figures he thought he could trust before leaving him and his mom in a lost heap, the shouting, watching her cry for hours one day and being too loud the next, staring at the red cuts on her arms, being treated like a nuisance because nobody wanted Natalie's kid, just her, and that ended after some time, so much more.
Nobody wanted the kid who couldn't speak English, much less talk in general, and cried when the noise level got too high, not the kid who had nightmares way too often and sat by himself too much and freaked out when he made a mistake.
It was dark and stuffy under the blanket, but Jesse had Reuben, a fuzzy pink bundle in his lap among all the pain in his broken world. The one constant thing he could rely on, nuzzling into the crook of his arm at night and munching on potatoes right out of his palms and playfully nibbling at him when Jesse cried, trotting at his ankles wherever he went.
Reuben had been the center of his life apart from his mom for a long time, and Jesse felt like he'd been hit with an anvil when he died. Without his pig the loneliness as a child would've been unbearable, and with him gone Jesse felt as though a small portion of him was missing. A year later, he still missed Reuben, still wanted him lying at his feet in the morning, missed the sound of his hooves thumping on the ground beside him.
Jesse had wondered if everything was his fault-- his mom, the pain of the people around him, and as he experienced more what happened to his team during the Portal Hallway, all the deaths since the Witherstorm, and still did.
None of it was fair, the world wasn't fair, what he had to continuously go through wasn't fair, but he had to keep going. For his mom and Olivia, then his sisters and brother, then for Axel and everyone who counted on him to step up and be responsible, to support and be someone who could always support others.
After giving up once and failing, he couldn't let that happen again, no matter how much he wanted to stop, no matter what he needed in the moment. Recently it had started to get worse-- the depression and mania, feeling anxious and PTSD attacks. But Jesse ignored it all, focusing on the needs of those around him, leaving his unstable mental state to fester like a wound.
As if that wasn't enough, Beacontown was rapidly increasing in size and population, and Jesse helped more and more often to cope with what he didn't want to think about. There was also the problem of who would take charge, who would make the decisions for the city as a unit, and he felt very pressured to fill the role more than he unintentionally did. With Beacontown growing in status, more people moved: more arguments he had to settle, more chaos, more projects, more conversations with the mayors of other towns, more work, more problems, more responsibility.
It was getting to be too much to handle. Jesse didn't sleep regularly anymore, maybe eating a snack twice a day, laying awake for hours when he did get a chance to rest, waking up at dawn and returning late in the night. The Order rarely saw him at all, and he backed out of their requests to spend time together.
Ivor and Lukas were the first to notice the major change in behavior. They prodded at him a little, asked what he was doing, but didn't take pressuring him very far.
Axel and Petra weren't very good at reading people, usually tending to be blunt and straightforward. They refused to sugarcoat anything unless absolutely necessary. Olivia was often caught up in undertakings of hers she all-nighted to build in relative peace and quiet. The group hadn't done anything as a team in weeks.
Jesse didn't really understand that-- why they didn't just do things on their own, he certainly wasn't in charge of what they did or where they went. He usually messed up missions and adventures anyways, there wasn't a point in him going.
"Hey, Jesse," Olivia appeared at his side, frowning at the disorganized mess that was the top of his desk. She pulled off her red powdered gloves and stuck them in her back pocket. "You've been cooped up in here for hours. Everything okay?"
"Yeah, I'm doing fine. Got this letter to finish, though. Some mayor's having a water crisis and can't come up with a solution as of now, and the neighboring county won't help out, so I have to--"
Olivia laughed, nudging his shoulder."It's alright, I understand. Maybe we can go visit your mom later, if you're feeling up to it. Just don't overwork yourself."
Whatever this mental funk was-- it wasn't a priority.
He could handle it.
"I won't. Promise."
***
"You know, I'm thinking we should go exploring again, even if for only a few days. Nothing too big, make an expedition, go camping. We haven't done something like that in ages."
Petra stared at him, stopping mid-bite. "Hold up. You, Lukas, are suggesting we go out adventuring. Are you listening to yourself?"
Lukas rolled his eyes, setting his fork onto his plate of eggs as she finished crunching down on her toast. "I'm not saying we should dash blindly through the Portal Hallway, all I'm saying is we should go somewhere as a team."
"Because you have definitely made efforts to do so by spending all day in your room writing, not bothering to say hi, shoved in all those musty history books you like to zone out in. I just wasn't expecting you to mention it when you said we should 'do more things' and go to breakfast, which is ridiculous because I'm always out and doing stuff and none of you apart from Axel want to join. Besides, you're. . . not exactly the adventurous type."
"Maybe I'm not a total restless outdoor person like you, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a change of scenery now and then. And it doesn't have to specifically be an adventure, I could set up a game night--"
Petra grinned. "Adventure it is."
Lukas sighed, knowing he wasn't going to win the argument. He blew on the top of his coffee, hoping it was no longer hot, and took a drink, gazing out at the roads and city squares beginning to become busy with opening shops and people. It was the start of the weekend, meaning local street markets would be running until Sunday evening.
He'd been lucky to catch Petra. What she said was true, about her always being somewhere. Trying to track her down had been like trying to catch a firefly with his hands: first she was here, then she was there, then she wasn't even in town and the next day she'd be home again.
The sun was was just rising over the tops of homes and buildings, painting everything in a soft gold glow, setting light apart from the shadows. He loved mornings. "Where, though? Most untouched places are super far south or north now, we've been doing a pretty good job of filling out maps. It's made a huge difference."
Petra stabbed her second piece of toast viciously with a butterknife a couple times. "Don't get mad, but listen. I know this guy--"
He groaned. "Not again--"
"No, shut your trap and let me finish before you start whining. Anyways, I know this guy in possession of old maps and the like, some rare artifacts and antiques. We go way back. He trades a lot of cool shit, travels around but he's usually here on the weekend markets. That's where Axel and I grabbed those explosive fireworks."
"What? That was you? I spent a whole day trying to find who set those off!"
"They were just fireworks--"
"They were a very dangerous fire hazard!"
"You heard nothing. Never speak of this again and you keep your fingers."
"We're talking about the fireworks later."
". . . Fine. Whatever. So back to this guy. Last time I saw him, he mentioned he'd discovered a bunch of old papers and a map in a chest during a trek to the desert surrounding Boomtown. Had to break the lock to get in, it was wrapped up in a bunch of chains. Weird-looking piece of junk, the papers had a bunch of runes on them. Most are damaged beyond repair, but there's two or three preserved enough to read. He doesn't want them. Says they freak him out. You see where I'm going?"
Lukas picked at the grains in the table surface, unsure. "Are you sure this is something we want to have?"
"You're seriously not saying you feel threatened by a piece of paper. It's all superstition; the guy believes in mood rings and tea bags saying when you'll die. For all we know the map gives good luck. Since the trader's here, I could go find him and be back this afternoon. I think I should at least see it once."
Lukas scratched his throat, feeling his stomach knot up in a twinge of discomfort. He didn't like to call himself "superstitious," because he didn't believe in ghosts, or demons, or spirits, and found the whole notion surrounding them existing bizarre, but some sort of gut instinct told him taking the papers wasn't the wisest action.
Normally he didn't rely on instinct and thought that idea was a little bizarre, too. He liked to thoroughly study whatever he was up against before coming up with the best tactic to take them down, get as much information as possible before making a move. He liked things that could be explained by logic, scientifically proven, and were always able to be relied on to produce the best result.
Gut instinct did not fall into the completely logical category. Lukas left that to people like Petra and Jesse, who shot first and asked questions later.
However, whether he believed in gut instinct and hunches or not, part of his conscious mind told him this wasn't a good idea. And even though it might be better to leave the aged parchments where they belonged, Lukas found himself wanting to know more, curiosity piqued. After spending a quiet minute to think his decision over, he reluctantly agreed to have Petra visit the trader. Knowing Jesse, he would be just as excited as Petra was.
Now alone at the table, Lukas frowned at the thought of his friend.
Jesse had grown increasingly distant over the past two months or so, almost as if avoiding the rest of the group. He hardly talked, and it was getting worse by the week, never being home for more than a couple hours, keeping himself busy nearly all of the time.
Lukas had tried speaking to him about his recent behavior several times, prying, but Jesse was a tough nut to crack when he closed himself off and Lukas couldn't reach past his stubborn attitude, any attempt to wring out how he was really doing shut down, Jesse's response polite but firm. At that point Lukas would quit asking, not wanting to upset him.
He'd run out of options. It hurt, so bad when Jesse turned him away. All Lukas wanted to do was make sure he was happy and safe, and the situation created a problem where Lukas thought he was always doing something wrong, he wasn't doing enough.
And Jesse. . . well, Jesse honestly didn't feel like merely a friend to Lukas anymore.
Even Ivor, who could normally work his way in easily with some well-placed inquisitive comments (Lukas thought this was mostly because Ivor acted like an overprotective dad), was considering he might have to give up trying to learn what Jesse felt. Considering. Lukas knew he wouldn't stop until he was no longer concerned for Jesse's well-being.
"Sir, are you done with that?" He'd spent so much time lingering over his thoughts his coffee had turned cold. He looked at the waiter, flushed, a little embarrassed at being caught in the middle of spacing out. And maybe at the fact the employee standing at his table was cute, freckled and smiling. "Yes, thank you." He coughed awkwardly, paying for his meal and hoping the other boy wouldn't notice his face.
He left a tip, then headed home. To avoid unwanted attention, he took the long way back, relying on well-known side streets, detours, and the sheer amount of people to keep him undercover-- he'd left his iconic leather jacket at home as well. The crowds had become so pushy during the first months the Order had resorted to wearing small disguises to leave town, or even to accomplish small tasks, although now people were beginning to get used to seeing them out and about, doing normal things.
The first month had been the worst. News about "The New Order" had spread like wildfire, bringing people from as far off as Redstonia to see the young upstarts. Many were supportive, merely glad to have a group of heroes after the previous Order had broken up so many years ago.
Others were not, claiming they were too inexperienced to handle the main, heavy responsibility of saving and assisting lives whenever it was needed, that the Witherstorm had been trouble enough. Surely people could wait some more years until they were ready to handle the challenge. But Gabriel had persisted, saying Lukas and the rest of the team were, in fact, more than capable, and none of them really knew what to say or how to handle the situation.
Although he'd been nervous, Lukas remembered how proud he'd been watching Gabriel hand the amulet to Jesse on that stage, in the midst of the crowd unaware of his presence. The four had looked so happy, if a bit unsure, and while he felt a small amount of sadness in not being able to share that moment with them the way he'd wanted, he was content to stand back.
Two weeks later, Gabriel had come up with the idea of officially reinstating them as the New Order at a late summer festival. Jesse turned down the offer at first, but the active older warrior insisted, saying it would boost morale after the Witherstorm had destroyed so many lives. People needed and wanted hope. It would take a long time to repair all the damage the storm had inflicted.
Jesse made sure Lukas was onstage that time.
The night had ended up being almost stupidly fun. Axel didn't hate him for once, though still poking fun. Eventually, he would learn Lukas was genuine and not as arrogant as he originally thought and tried his best to mend their relationship once Jesse had gotten fed up with their rivalry.
Olivia had nagged Petra and Jesse throughout the evening for not dressing properly-- Petra had donned a tie and called it adequate, while Jesse's red button up was alright (Okay so what if Jesse looked good in red it wasn't like it meant anything concrete), if not as proper as the occasion called for-- Olivia found out later he actually didn't own anything appropriate enough to wear to something so formal. And Axel had been. . . decent.
Lukas remembered reveling in the fact that there had been so many people occupying the streets and stands selling everything you could ask for nobody recognized them. One of Lukas' favorite authors signed his novel, Axel meeting up with Magnus and setting off robust fireworks everyone loved. Olivia won every carnival game she set her hands on while Jesse and Petra were too busy competing with each other, seeing who could spin the longest and not feel dizzy, who could balance an egg better, who could run the fastest.
Lukas didn't want to admit it, but he sometimes envied how easy the relationship between them was, even if they all knew it was strictly platonic. And sure, Jesse and Petra had their troubles, although Lukas wished how great they got along together and how easy their conversations came could be how it was between him and Jesse too, and Jesse's recent behavior hadn't helped that at all.
The one task they'd all teamed up for during the festival was a fish toss, which as exactly as it sounded. Near midnight the five had returned home and played cards, elated and exhausted from the day's efforts.
Yet Lukas couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if Jesse hadn't succumbed to the pressure.
They would most likely still be a team; before killing the Witherstorm he'd put his trust in Lukas and said he wouldn't be left behind. Petra was a different story. Lukas wasn't sure which path she would've taken.
He wouldn't have to deal with all the fans, wouldn't have to try to live up to the high expectations set out for him to fill. He could always go for a walk without being bothered. Maybe they wouldn't have found the glowing flint and steel that had the ability to open portals, thus counteracting the Portal Hallway adventures.
Lukas would have never gotten chipped and controlled, forced to fight his best friend, the person he cared about most.
Would've never witnessed murders and be falsely accused of being the murderer. He wouldn't have been killed in the Games.
Would never have had to spend weeks searching through unfamiliar universes, scared he would never make it home, or that he would die before he got the chance.
He would've never been kicked off of Sky City.
Lukas shuddered at the unconscious mention of the last one. He had known he was going to die, falling off the edge barely seeing Jesse's grief-stricken face, and had come to terms with his death right before hitting the water, the cold filling his lungs, the sheer impact distorting his sense of up and down.
He'd almost drowned, spent hours staring up at the stars and the city on fire in the distance, wondering if his friends and the citizens were going to come out alive.
If none of those things had ever happened, he would sleep better at night, only haunted by images of the Witherstorm.
But he, Jesse, Petra, and Ivor would've never grown strong as a team. Lukas recalled the good times they had: snowball fights, sleeping under the stars, Jesse finding a world full of fluffy little creatures and wanting to take one home, Petra showing them how to make homemade fireworks, pranking Ivor, listening to the older man's stories about his experiences.
Aside from him, Lukas didn't hold much respect for the Old Order apart from maybe Gabriel. He knew Magnus was trying, and he and the rest of the current Order appreciated his efforts, but Soren hadn't been seen since the Witherstorm incident, although it wasn't exactly like anyone had gone out looking for him, either.
They would've never seen all those amazing worlds, each with their own inhabitants and laws of physics, probably wouldn't have gone on more adventures with Axel and Olivia.
Clearing his head, Lukas opened the front doors to the Order hall, the building they all shared as a home-- the actual front doors were on the side, but they'd decided as a group something as shallow as a trophy room wasn't of importance and renovated the rest of the two main rooms and other rooms so it would serve just fine as a home.
He took a seat at the table where Axel and Olivia were immersed in a violent game of chess, observing how they played.
"I genuinely don't understand this game."
"It might seem complicated at first, but if you paid attention to strategy it wouldn't be so hard to best me."
"Uh, no way it's not complicated. There's like a hundred guys I all control, and half of them move in all these crazy ways, and this one only makes straight lines--"
"There are not a hundred pieces--"
"And the horse dude can only make L's? What the hell? Why do they all move differently? It's too much to handle."
"Checkmate."
"What? Wait, back up, how did you do that?"
Lukas didn't feel like refereeing Axel and Olivia's game of chess anymore and went to option B, which was always Where's Jesse? He knew he'd get the usual answer of "I don't know," but it couldn't hurt to ask.
"Hey, do you know where Jesse is?"
Olivia set up the chess pieces again and they quickly exchanged four moves, Olivia taking two pawns from Axel with her bishop. "For once, yes. He's in the west countryside, examining reports of an animal eating livestock. He left about twenty minutes ago. If you hurry, you might catch him. And checkmate. You're stuck."
Smiling and shaking his head, Lukas ran out to the stables in a hurry. At first, he hadn't seen the need for a horse, but as more adventures came up his mind changed. Walking on foot was not the most efficient form of travel. They each owned one now, and had built a stable on the left of the Order Hall, near one of the entrances letting people in and out. As time went by, he'd grown attached to Finch. Ivor made fun of him for naming his horse after a bird, purposefully mistaking it for Flash or Ranch.
Even Petra had become emotionally attached. Axel did care, but Jesse stopped him from naming his horse Destroyer the First as he'd intended to.
Lukas approached the dappled gray gelding carefully, rubbing his velvety nose, leading him out of the stall and saddling him with practiced ease. He and Jesse had taught Olivia how to ride, which was a funny memory for everyone but her. Olivia was nervous around horses.
He remembered Petra and Axel laughing, as the horse Olivia was introduced to was skittish as well, and the two wouldn't touch each other for the first day. Jesse, who had infinite patience for these types of things, helped her work over her fear. He could be very patient, sometimes, but couldn't focus for a full minute anywhere else.
Swinging his foot into the stirrup, Lukas pulled himself onto Finch's back and tapped his heels against his horse's flanks, hastily cantering through the gate, determined to see Jesse.
***
i said lukas would pine what did you expect from me
ALSO HI FUCK SCHEDULES I DO WHAT I WANT