"And find a place where every single thing you see tells you to stay."
S E E K E R
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December 12th
7:12 AM
New York
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Gunner couldn't resist the urge to light the cigarette and inhale its poison.
It kept him alive in a way, as ridiculous as it might sound. The very thing he smoked was what was tearing him apart.
He made sure Audrey was still asleep when he slipped out of their room and into the hallway. An hour later and he almost burned through one full packet of smokes, bringing one after the other to his lips despite the early hour.
The cigarettes had become a crutch for him, a way to cope with the stress and anxiety of his daily life. The first drag always brought a sense of relief, a momentary escape from the weight of the world. But as the smoke filled his lungs and the nicotine coursed through his veins, he found himself drenched in greater despair. He knew that he was slowly killing himself, one cigarette at a time.
And then there were the drugs. The guilt and shame that came with his drug use was even more acute than his smoking addiction. Every time he took a pill or smoked a joint, he felt like he was betraying himself and everyone around him. Like yesterday, how horrified he was when Audrey stumbled across him being on the edge of an overdose.
But without her, he wouldn't have survived this long. And unbeknownst to her, guilt was devouring him inside. Guilt about countless things. About the failure of a man he was. About his sleazy habits. About how much of a burden he was to their family.
A place like this suited him though. Full of degenerates and deadbeats he could relate to.
The building was a looming, hulking mass of brick and concrete that seemed to scrape the sky above. Its façade was lined with grime and dirt, as though it had weathered years of neglect and disregard. Broken windows gaped like empty eye sockets and the superintendent had repaired them more times than he could count, but things in this place never stayed new for long. The stairs leading up to the entrance were cracked and chipped, as if they had been ravaged by some long-ago storm. People scurried about like ants, their faces etched with weariness and fear. Sirens blared in the distance every night, a constant reminder of the danger that lurked around every corner.
This was the kind of place that was full of dirty business. With weeds growing out between the concrete and cars old enough to have come from junkyards. Certainly not the best, certainly better than a shelter.
Gunner had been in and out of enough in his short lifetime, so a place of their own–though cheap and shabby–was an accomplishment in and of itself. He had only been sixteen when his parents kicked him out because of his drug abuse. Sleepless nights in the backseat of his car or on friends' couches wasn't a foreign concept.
He inhaled and exhaled the smoke from the cigarette between his cracked lips, so taken by his thoughts that he failed to hear the creaking of the door behind him.
"What're you doing out here?"
Gunner saw no reason to hide. His girlfriend already had the answer once the smoke danced around her nostrils. He met Audrey's questioning eyes, and stifling a cough with his arm, he turned to face her. "I needed a smoke," he said. "I couldn't do it inside. You hate it when I smoke around Leah."
"You must be feeling better then," she concluded, something accusatory twisting her low voice. "Good to know, you were really sick last night."
The cigarette hung between his lips as he averted his eyes to the door across the hallway.
She was always wary of him, critical of the mistakes that he knew he was making, but it made no difference. He still practised the habits she despised and he still didn't understand why she had come to care so much about him.
"Yeah, it won't happen again," he made the promise automatically, as automatic as it was for him to break it sooner or later. "I'm doing everything to keep Leah happy, Rey. I hate it when she sees me that way."
A set of footsteps drew their attention to the person drifting down the hall from door to door. The tall, gangly man had a vile smile twisting the corners of his mouth, his dark eyes moving between Gunner and Audrey. "How're my two favorite tenants doing this morning?"
Gunner took a long drag and cleared his throat. "What do you want, Michael?"
"Oh, I can't stop by to say good morning anymore? You do remember you're my tenant, right? You're here because I let you be here. And if it weren't for that little girlfriend of yours," he took a daring step forward and grinned from ear to ear, "you'd be on the motherfucking streets."
Gunner watched Michael's eyes linger on Audrey for a moment too long. There was something in the way the man looked at her, a creepy intensity that made his blood boil. He could feel his fists clenching at his sides as Michael's gaze roamed over Audrey's figure, lingering on her curves with an unsettling hunger. The hairs on the back of Gunner's neck stood on end, and he could feel his anger simmering just below the surface.
He could see the discomfort in his girlfriend's demeanour, the way she shifted nervously in the doorway.
"Get fucking lost and stop looking at her like that."
A deep scowl etched itself into Gunner's features as he took a step forward, positioning himself between Audrey and Michael, a silent warning in his stance. He didn't trust Michael, not one bit, and he wouldn't let him get anywhere near Audrey.
"I'm serious, Michael. Go. She doesn't want you around and neither do I."
"Gunner, it's fine. Just ignore him." Audrey reached out and gently touched his arm, feeling the tension that had built up in his muscles. "Let's just go inside."
She was too forgiving, too kind to a man like Michael. And it irked Gunner. "I'm not gonna ignore him. He's obviously tryna to make a move on you."
His expression was the very embodiment of sinister delight, sending shivers down Audrey's spine and causing her to instinctively step back in revulsion. "Don't be so hostile to me. I'm just trying to be friendly."
"Stop trying," he remarked. "You think I don't know that you come looking for her when I'm not home? If you know what's good for you, you'll stop fucking harassing her every goddamn chance you get."
Michael, for his part, seemed taken aback by Gunner's sudden accusation, but his smug grin quickly returned to his face. "You don't know what you're talking about, man. I just check on her from time to time 'cause you're never home. You're a deadbeat, Shaw. You got a girl and a kid and they're always alone. 'Course I gotta help. I'm doing what you should be doing." His eyes glinted with a sickening glee. "Aren't I, doll?"
"Stop it, Michael," Audrey's quivering voice sliced through the thick air. "Leave Gunner alone. You don't know anything about him. Stay out our business."
For a moment it was probable that Gunner might have lunged at Michael right then and there. But instead he stood his ground, his voice cold and controlled; he was unwilling to fall for Michael's sick mind games. "I'm warning you. Stay away from my girlfriend and my daughter, or you'll fucking regret it."
"Alrighty, you two. Have a great day." He returned Gunner's challenging glare. "And see you around, Audrey."
He disappeared down the next bend and the hall fell silent again.
Abruptly turning to his girlfriend, Gunner searched her countenance, and she fixed him with a stare devoid of emotion, her soft hazels dim and dull. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was even when she wasn't really putting in any effort. Falling to the middle of her thighs was his grey t-shirt, the one he recalled had been discarded on the floor the previous night. Although he didn't outwardly vocalize it, he loved it when she wore his clothes; it was like she had a physical piece of him with her, a reminder that they were in a tough place in their relationship, but not an impossible one.
"You're not seeing him around, are you?"
She scoffed and looked at the floor. "You think I would?"
"No." Gunner softened. "I know you. You'd never. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's okay. I get why you asked. He's persistent."
He gazed at Audrey with a mixture of sadness and longing, taking in the tired lines etched around her eyes and the deep furrows between her brows. Her exhaustion was palpable, as if it had seeped into her very bones and become a permanent part of her being. Yet, despite her weariness, there was a certain beauty to her that he couldn't help but admire.
Her tresses flowed down her back like ink against a white page, eyes mesmerizing and bold against her rich, tan skin. He trailed his hands around her neck, twining his fingers through the black strands of hair like a canvas of the darkest night, but the faintest light already made them reflect an indigo blue.
"You tired?"
"I guess so," she said and shifted from foot to foot with unease. "I barely slept last night."
Gunner's eyes flickered to her parted lips. The last time they'd touched or kissed or shared a moment of love had been months ago. This feeling was as much familiar as it was vulnerable. He wouldn't take advantage of her when she could barely keep herself together.
"I'll take Leah to school today and I'll pick her up in the afternoon. I don't think you have the energy to do it."
"You don't have to. Go inside and get some more sleep. I'll take her before I go to work."
"She's my kid too," he replied. "I gotta take care of her. Show her that I care about her and her mom."
He was supposed to have done it since the day Leah was born, but he had put his friends and lifestyle above all else and it was no secret. He loved his daughter and his girlfriend, he just didn't know how to make sure they knew it too. He was sure there was hatred for him nestled deep in Audrey's core, but she had been there when he had nothing and nobody. It was why he found it hard to let her go knowing that staying and putting them through this cycle of torment was selfish.
"I'll go get her ready," Audrey muttered with a glance up at him. "Are you gonna wait out here?"
He lifted his shoulders in a lacklustre shrug and fished into his back pocket for another cigarette. "Can't smoke inside, now can I?"
She paused but opened her mouth before catching herself, stopping herself from saying what was really on her mind. "Right. I'll see you so... wait here."
"Get me my jacket, will you?"
"You want anything for breakfast when you get back?"
"We got eggs and bacon?"
"Yeah, we do. I'll make you some."
"Thanks, baby. I mean that."
Audrey nodded, her shoulders slumping forward as if she was carrying a great burden. "Yeah... she'll be out soon."
Gunner did wait. He smoked through all the cigarettes by the time Leah made it out the front door and craved for more as they entered the elevator. She was quiet today and wouldn't look any further than her shoes.
The lift stopped three times, crammed to its ends by other tenants either rushing to work or school or elsewhere before they made it to the ground floor.
"How's your morning been, kiddo?" he asked, attempting to spark some sort of conversation between them.
Leah mangled his effort by simply shaking her head and continuously avoiding his eyes whenever they so much as rose an inch. Stepping outside they were greeted with winter's chill and its icy embrace. A shiver went up his spine and he held her hand.
It was buzzing with life and people. The ones who wore the smiles were the ones who did the worst at night, the ones who hid behind their doors were the ones who came alive once the sun sank.
The light was just a mask. Gunner knew that better than anyone.
"What about that teacher of yours? Mrs...uh..."
"Lancaster," she finished.
"Yeah, her." He looked at his drab surroundings disinterestedly and let his eyes wander. "You doing okay in her class?"
"I guess so." Her other hand clutched the strap of her small bag. "School's a bit hard. I'm doing my best though."
Gunner let out a halfhearted chuckle, putting his hands in the pocket of his jacket to slow down the frostbite. She sounded so much like her mother. For a six-year-old girl, she was mature and disciplined, but he suspected that Audrey had taught her to be that way. Not to cause any unnecessary trouble, to always try her best in everything she took on, to be good. It was always about being a good daughter, a kind daughter, a considerate daughter. Her daddy was sick and her mommy shut down once they got home; there was no time for anything else.
"Why's it hard?"
Leah's eyebrows pinched, and her expression was pensive. "I'm just not good at the homework she gives us. I don't understand it and I always get the questions wrong."
He didn't have any solutions to offer given that school wasn't his forte. That was more of Audrey's strength. "Ask your mom for help next time, okay? She's really smart so I'm sure she can teach you what you don't know."
Unfortunately, Audrey didn't have much time on her hands either. She was working full-time and he was just existing for the sake of it.
"Do I have to go to school, daddy? I really don't want to."
"You have to, Leah."
He took a good look at his daughter. Her complexion was lighter than her mother's, and during the warmer months, her skin held a gentle brown undertone. As much as they might have resembled, her eyes were all Audrey; honey-brown infused with a soft touch of green.
Gunner loved her more than he loved himself.
She was beautiful like her mother.
He stared at the asphalt under his shoes as they trudged on to school. "Do you know if your mom's mad at me about yesterday?"
Leah finally mustered the strength to glance at him, lips pursed. "No," she told him. "Mommy says she loves you all the time."
Gunner's chest felt lighter. "Daddy, do you love mommy?"
"Of course I do, kiddo," a smile stretched the edges of his mouth. "If I didn't love her you wouldn't be here."
"So where do babies come from?"
It was his expression, the way his face twitched, the way his eyes filled with joy as he laughed. "You're not old enough for that yet. But lemme tell you this much," he leaned forward as if to whisper a secret. "It doesn't happen by magic."
"How then?" she giggled and watched him with glee. "Do you have to be a grownup to have babies? Can I have one?"
"You can't have one." They stopped at the crosswalk as it flashed red. "Never ever."
"Do I have to be grownup like you?"
His smile faltered and Leah was smart enough to catch it. The sparkle in her eyes dissipated like steam from a hot cup of coffee. He pursed his lips and chose to look at the sidewalk again, the image of her mother flashing through his mind in ways he couldn't handle. Staring at his visible breaths, all he saw was her. Them. When he was nineteen and stupid enough to get his seventeen year old girlfriend pregnant.
They crossed the street and took a sharp left. The moment lapsed between them and the air tensed.
He was thankful when the school building came into view. Children and parents scattered all over the wide field, a cacophony of colour and sound. Leah seemed almost hesitant to go until Gunner prompted her. But before she could meld in with the crowd, she turned and hugged his legs.
"I love you, daddy."
Gunner smiled genuinely for the first time that morning. "I love you, kiddo. Have a good day, okay? I'll pick you up after school."
"Really?"
"Yes really. Now go line up before the bell rings. I love you, princess. Make me proud, okay?"
"Okay, I will!"
She skipped away to a group of girls sitting next to the slide, waving exuberantly. "Bye, daddy!"
Gunner waved back. "Bye!"
He promised to make this day better for him and Audrey. He would talk to her, he would tell her he loved her again. He would try and keep all of his promises.
But as he walked back to the edge of the sidewalk, his phone rang and blared with life. He stopped halfway to the cross-walk, his jaw clenching.
His favorite name flashed across the screen. Ace.
* * *
Thank you for reading this chapter of
A Place We Know
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