Author's Note: Whaaat? An update so soon?! Don't mind if I do! *waves magic wand*
Harry's POV
Walking out of the bathroom, my heart dropped at the sight of Nikki with her head in her hands. She was rocking back and forth. I was reminded of the all the previous times that I saw her like this and was by her side in a flash.
"Angel, are you alright?" I wrapped my arms around her. Her little body was shaking. It was similar to how she was a couple of days ago when she had woken up from a nightmare.
"I'm tired. I...I think I'm gonna take a nap." She sounded emotionless, like a robot shutting down.
"Nikki, sweetheart, look at me."
Instead of complying, she slumped against me. I rubbed her legs in the hopes of easing her shivering body. It seemed to work after a few minutes. I tucked us under the covers and held her. I knew she wasn't asleep, but for some reason she didn't feel safe. I remember her little habits. Anytime she involuntarily rocked, the damaged young girl inside of her felt vulnerable.
While it breaks my heart to see her like this, I know she trusts me wholeheartedly to care for her. She simply wants me to hold her and that's what I'll do.
Tears burned my eyes thinking about the months we spent apart. She bravely wrote and recorded an entire album about her life. It must've been emotionally and mentally draining.
I wasn't there to hold her through it—to remind her that she's safe and cared for.
The possibility of her never fully forgiving me weighed heavily on my mind. She says that she does, but I know that kind of hurt never completely goes away. All I can do is to always strive to be a better man for her and be everything she needs me to be because I love her. I've been in love with her since the day I saw her. Getting to know her throughout the years only validated it and made that love grow exponentially.
"You're safe, alright? I love you." I whisper into her hair.
"Just tell me everything will be okay." She says in a small voice.
I tried to keep my anxiety at bay. We literally got back together yesterday. I didn't want our happy bubble to burst this soon.
"Whatever happens we'll get through it together." I say as steady as I can.
Maybe I did something wrong.
Did I push her too far today?
My mind raced over every detail from the past twenty-four hours. My eyes closed at the feeling of three distinct kisses down my jaw. She somehow turned the tables and was comforting me.
"When did my Harry become an overthinker?"
Her Harry.
I nearly giggled like a little girl.
No. She's distracting me.
"Don't keep me guessing on what's wrong, love. Is it something specific? Did I do something? Are you just feeling down?" I uncharacteristically spoke at a rapid speed.
"It's hard for me to talk about. I know I have to deal with it but I can't right now." Nikki puffs out her cheeks and tucks her head into the crook of my neck. "When I try to...deal with it...I shut down."
I kiss the top of her head.
"I understand that more than you think." My ears perked up at the sound of her phone ringing. I notice her phone is across the room on the floor.
I get off the bed and walk over to find the screen cracked. I bit my tongue trying not to chastise her for not getting a screen protector. If memory serves me right, her phone didn't look like this earlier. I thought I heard her drop something while I was in the bathroom, but now I'm connecting the dots.
She must've thrown her phone across the room.
James was calling her. I looked up to find Nikki biting her nails. She never bites her nails.
"Baby, what's goi—"
A text from Grimshaw dinged through.
Nikki, I have no words. I just need to know you're ok and with Harry. Stay where you are. x N
"Nikki, I'm getting more worried by the second. Tell me and I won't ask for a full explanation right now. I need to know, so I can help you through it." I crawled back onto the bed, softly kissing her all over her face.
"I can't say it out loud." Her voice shook. "I'm s-ssorry."
I swallowed the lump in my throat and grabbed the pad of paper and a pen provided by the hotel on the nightstand. Sometimes it's easier to write down how we feel versus verbalizing it for someone. This seasoned songwriter in front of me understands that more than anyone.
"Can you write it down?" I ask her gently.
With a slow nod of her head, she takes the notepad and pen. I see her hand shakes as she tries to put pen to paper. I briefly hold her hand, rubbing my thumb over her knuckles to soothe her to the best of my ability. When I let go, her hand is still.
She writes one sentence and hands it back to me.
My mum tried to kill herself.
I blink slowly, reading the words over and over. Hasn't she been through enough?!
"I'm so sorry, angel. I'm—fuck." I shook my head. I held her to me without another word. Her little hands clung to me.
"I just need...I need..." Nikki struggled to find the words.
"Shh...I know." I repeatedly ran my hand through her hair. She slumped against me again. While she struggled to emotionally deal with this I kept toggling between anger and sadness to utmost rage. I was already incredibly disappointed that her own mother hadn't gone to see her while she was hospitalized earlier this year. How can you completely disregard your own daughter like that?
Her phone rang again and this time I was surprised to see "Anne Twist" flash up on the screen. Despite the heaviness of the situation I smiled at the caller ID photo of my mum, Nikki, and I from my birthday earlier this year.
"It's my mum, so I'm going to answer it, alright?" I rubbed her back. I felt her nod and accepted the call.
"Hey mumma..."
"Bub! I was calling you but you weren't answering. How is she?!" My mum rushed out.
My cheeks got warm at the mention of her trying to call me. I had silenced my phone wanting to give Nikki my full and undivided attention.
"Sorry, I forgot my phone was on silent. She's..." I trailed off, sighing into the phone.
"Yes, this year has been a lot for all of us, dear." Her tone was soft, providing that comforting lift that only my mum could do.
Nikki scooted off of me and laid on her side under the fluffy duvet. I motioned that I was going to talk on the balcony. She nodded in response before closing her eyes. I kissed her forehead then her lips.
"Are you still there, Harry?"
"Sorry, just a sec." I carefully shut the balcony door. "I'm outside now. I didn't want to put her through more stress. She sort of shut down."
"Poor thing. Has she been able to tell you anything?" She asked sincerely. Nikki and I were broken up for over six months, but my mum still reached out to her as if she were family. She probably knows her better than I do now. Ask me if my mum cared about any of my exes even half as much as Nikki and I'd laugh in your face.
She knows that Nikki is my one.
As I said before, my mum
knows best.
"She told me that her mum tried to kill herself. That's all. How did she, uh, erm, is she ok?" I couldn't fathom losing both of my parents in the same year.
"She nearly overdosed on pills of some sort. James says she is stable now." I could hear the familiar clank of a spoon in a porcelain cup. My poor mum was probably on her 5th cup of tea.
"Nikki and I get back together not even 24 hours ago and shit hits the fan again. The universe needs to leave my baby alone!" I start pacing back and forth.
"I knew you two would work everything out." I felt her smile through the phone, "And everything happens for a reason. Nikki is a strong woman who has overcome a lot in her life and with you by her side she'll continue to get through anything."
"How do you know that?" I whisper.
"Because I raised you right. You're everything she needs, so don't go and fuck this up again." She whisper-yelled the word 'fuck' making me gasp.
"Mumma! You actually cursed at me!"
"Only emphasizing my point, my boy." She pauses. "I'll keep you updated on everything. She needs you right now. I'll phone you later, love. Tell her I'm here if she needs anything at all."
"Will do, love you. Tell Robin I love him, too." I breathe out.
I stood on the balcony to gather my thoughts after I spoke with my mum. I know that Nikki's relationship with her mum was strained but to what extent I wasn't sure. My gut is telling me that something is wrong and my angel has been keeping it to herself.
I could have her write more down. That idea worked earlier.
I walked inside to see her just lying there awake. Her eyes met mine and she pulled back the covers as an invitation. I didn't hesitate to cuddle up next to her.
"How is your mum?" She toyed with my cross necklace absentmindedly.
"Alright...she sends her love." I put my hand over her hand that's fiddling with my necklace. "We'll go whenever you want."
"What? Back to the house and cut our little trip early?" Nikki asked with a confused arch of her brow.
"No, love. I figured you'd want to go to England to see your mum. I can make arrangements and go with—"
"No." She interrupts.
"No?"
"I'm not going to see her." She sits up.
"But..." And I regret the words the moment I say them, "She's your mum!"
Anger flashes in her eyes as she snatches her hand from me.
"Yeah?! So?! I'm HER daughter! It never fucking mattered to her! FUCK HER! I WISH SHE HAD DIED!" Nikki looked shocked at her own confession, covering her mouth and gasping out a sob. She ran into the bathroom. I leapt out of bed to follow, but she locked the door.
"Baby! I'm sorry! I overstepped! I...shit." I leaned my head on the door.
Her sobs broke my heart into a million pieces. The last time I heard her cry like this was the night I broke her record player. I'm not standing out here like a useless idiot.
She needs me.
I go through her handbag to get a bobby pin. It didn't take long for me to pick the lock. Nikki was curled up into a ball on the floor, hiccuping between her painful cries.
I sat on the bathroom floor with her in my arms for hours as she let it all out. I cried with her in silence. Seeing her like this made me feel so helpless.
She cried until she had exhausted herself. She blinked up at me slowly. I stroked her tear streaked cheek until she fell asleep. As I carried her to bed I remembered part of Nick's text.
Stay where you are.
He knew not to have her come home. I'm missing something. She obviously didn't want to anyway, but it almost sounded dangerous for her to go and see her mum.
There was a tightness in my chest. Nikki's face was contorted in distress regardless of her being asleep.
"You're safe. I love you." I softly say against her lips.
Her lips push up on mine in the lightest of touches. All that matters is that when I pulled away, her face had softened. No more worried lines could be seen.
+
+
A few days had gone by, both of us working even though I protested. I was adamant that Nikki put her health first. She was depressed, meaning she was barely eating. Her manager tried to assure me that he could get her to eat.
Ok, two carrots dipped in hummus is not a meal. Fuck that and fuck him.
I might be a little cranky.
Mitch and I were at the studio late; the others had left hours ago. We were onto something earlier and wanted to get it all down while the creative juices were flowing.
"My dude! How 'bout: The fridge light washes this room white, moon dances over your good side?" Mitch looked over at me expectantly.
I had been trying to think of what to put with 'moon dances over your good side' for over a week now. I sang the two lines together to myself several times. Huh. I kind of like it.
"How the hell did you come up with that, mate?" I ask as I write down the lyrics.
"I just thought of how hungry I get in the middle of the night. Open that fridge and it's brighter than a mother fucker, am I right or am I right?" As if on cue, Mitch's stomach growled.
"You're free to go. I think you earned a sandwich." I laughed. He put down his guitar so fast at the prospect of food in his near future.
"See ya tomorrow!" He hollered then skipped out the door.
I sat back on the sofa, deciding to rest my eyes for a few minutes. I was having trouble sleeping the past few nights.
I could've sworn that only a few minutes had gone by when I felt a familiar pair of lips on my cheek.
"Hmm...?" I open my eyes sleepily.
"Sorry for waking you up. I was worried. It's almost 4AM." Nikki hovered over me.
"Oh damn, I lost track of time." I blink hard to try and wake up. "C'mere." I yank her down onto my lap.
"I like you in yellow." She smiled the first real smile that I've seen on her in days. "Did you get my text earlier?"
"I don't think so. I've been focused on writing and recording all day. What'd it say?" I planted kisses along her neck. There hasn't been any intimacy since we left Montego Bay.
"It was video evidence of me eating fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I thought you would appreciate it." She dipped her neck back so I could continue my assault.
"Mmm and didn't you feel better after you ate?" I grazed my teeth across her collarbone.
"I went into a food coma, but sure." She tugged on my hair to get my attention. "Stop iiit."
"No kissy?" I gave her my most pathetic puppy dog look. I was sleepy and in need of a cuddle—in a cool way.
"I need to tell you something first." She softly kissed my lips anyway, over and over until I hummed for her to deepen it. Instead, she laughed and rubbed her cheek. "Your peach fuzz tickles!"
"My PEACH FUZZ? They're manly whiskers!"
"Nooo baby, nooo." She pats my cheek. "Stop distracting me. I spoke with my mother today."
I straightened up, becoming fully awake to listen to her. She said 'mother' in a way that suggested it didn't go too well.
"There's a lot I haven't told you because I've barely been able to process it. James and my Aunt Ruth are devastated, too. I'm just tired of all the lies and secrets. I don't know how Jeff knew about our old family home videos, but he threatened my mum with them."
"He broke into your parents' house?! I stared at her in shock. She nodded before continuing.
"He knew exactly where to go. We watched the security cameras. My lawyers had me watch these videos and um...there are some PTSD triggers I've always had and I never knew why. I blacked out a lot and I assumed it was from being beaten up or when I fell down the stairs, I might've lost my memory..." Her voice shook, but my brave girl held onto me with steady hands.
"You fell down the stairs?" The more details I heard from her horrific time growing up, the more I wanted to protect her and make her happy for the rest of my life.
"I was 13. Everyone says my dad pushed me, but I'm getting these flashes. I can't tell what's real, but the look on my sister's face was enough. She saw it happen. I think I started to fall back and my mum stood there and watched me. It was too late when my dad reached his arms out. I was in a coma for awhile."
"Oh my god..." I covered my mouth and rubbed her back with my other hand.
"You see...I think my mum wanted me gone. It's because of her that I got my recording contract so young. I think she knew things would be easier with me far, far away." She sniffled.
"Baby..."
"She hit me ALOT in those videotapes and called me names. Who the hell told Jeff about them? Who would even know?!" Nikki leaned her forehead against my chest with a frustrated sigh.
I had an idea, but today was not the day to put her through more stress.
"What did she say to you today?"
"She blames my dad for everything. Funny, I didn't see him around when she slammed my head into the wall." She lets out a harsh laugh. "I asked her why she wanted to kill herself and she said and I quote: 'I needed you to take me seriously when I said I wanted be a better mum for you.' ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"
I flinch at her sudden outburst. She was speaking into my chest, her emotions literally vibrated through my body.
"I've attempted suicide three times," Her confession made me stop breathing. "Never would I think of guilt tripping someone like my own mother just did to me. I own up to my reasons of complete and utter self hatred. I honestly thought the world would've been better off without me." She lifted her head up, her hands reach out to cup my wet cheeks.
When had I started crying?
"I don't feel that way anymore. You always make sure to tell me that I'm strong, worthy, beautiful, kind, and more than enough. You help me to be brave when I can't stand on my own—my unwavering eternal bravery." Her voice grew steadier with every word.
I suck in a breath then let out an odd sound between an airy laugh and an asthmatic cough.
"Oh, monkey...you're such an ugly crier!" She laughed through her own tears.
"I love you so much. I promise everything will turn out okay. It's you and me. I've got you. I'm not fucking up this time." I latched onto her for dear life.
"I love you, too. Kissy?" She caused butterflies to swarm around in my stomach when she smiled the smile she had always reserved just for me—the sweetest subtle grin I was rewarded with the moment I saw her in person for the very first time.
I kiss her, gently at first, but we both felt the need to connect since it had been a few days. We hadn't even properly kissed.
She pushed her tongue into my mouth, her hands now clawing at my hair. I slid my hands up her shirt to meet the warm skin of her back. The moment was raw, but short lived. We could barely breathe after crying; ok, correction—I could barely breathe. I made a very unsexy sniff that sounded like I was about to cough up a hairball.
"Ya good?" She jokingly padded my back.
"Har, har." I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose.
A realization hits me.
"Nikki! It's your first time in here! You haven't come to the studio until now!" My excitement had her looking at me funny.
"I wanted to respect your creative space, so I've stayed away." She shrugged.
"Don't be ridiculous! You're Nicole Samson! Your opinion is everything!" I'm running around and pressing buttons as she starts giggling.
"Are you fanboying on me, Harry Styles? You got me! I'll have sex with you!" She giggles harder, covering her mouth.
"Shut up! I want you to hear something. It might suck."
"That narcissistic smirk already tells me you know it's good, but let's hear it then. You want my opinion as your girlfriend or the real critique?" Her all too serious expression has me flustered.
"Erm...I don't know...um...which one is nicer?"
She busts out laughing again.
"You're lucky you're adorable." I mumble.
"Lemme hear it already! I'll be good. Promise!" Her giggles finally subsided and I cleared my throat.
"This song is called 'Only Angel' and I think you can guess who it's about." I grinned as I pressed play.
The intro played and surprisingly my nerves went away when I saw the look on her face. The adoring appreciation and recognition of a precious moment in time from my point of view shined in her glossy eyes refilling with fresh tears.
Her hands fly into the air, an excited 'OH MY SHIIIT!!' leaving her lips when she hears me shout and the guitar take off. I laugh at her reaction to the lyrics. She keeps eyeing me like I have done something naughty, but her body language is suggesting that she's more than pleased with it.
Her reaction to the choir at the end mirrored mine from when I heard them record the piece in person —her jaw dropped, eyes wide, hands on her face in awe.
I think she approves.
"Sooo...what did ya think?" I held my arm in mock modesty.
"Take off your clothes, Styles." She takes her silk jumpsuit off in one go and drops it to the side with the flick of her wrist.
There's my confident little devil.