[ s t a i n s ]
[triggers: self harm, gender dysphoria]
When I got back to my room, all I could think about was what my mom had said to me. If any of my brothers knew about me I would run away. Dead ass I would run away and probably never come back. I took off my sweatshirt and looked at my boobs in the mirror.
"What the hell kind of monster am I? Why didn't you just abort me, mom? Why?" I said to myself. I ran my hands over them softly, slightly grabbing them even, it felt so strange to me, like I was trapped inside the wrong body. If I have girl hormones and shit like that, then they will get bigger? I ran my fingers over the duck tape x's i put on my nipples. It didn't make me feel better but it helped until i could get a binder.
"..why dose life have to be this way.." I teared up, feeling so much self hatred. I look to the bottom corner of the mirror and see my brother with his phone. I don't move. I can't move.
"Need a camera man, little brother?" He asks me. I turn to him without saying a word still. "Whoops. I didn't mean to walk in while you were playing with yourself."
"I wasn't-". I covered them and tried to hide my scars on my stomach. The last thing I want him to know is that I self harm. He stopped recording, letting his arms drop to his sides and looked at me.
"You were right, Zane, what kind of monster are you? Posting videos of me having sex so everyone knows my body count and how big my dick is. thank you. Seriously why do you have tits anyway, youre a dude, maybe you should work our more." He walked out of my room. Of course no one is going to be there for me when I get shit posted about me. Laurence will laugh his ass off. Aphmau will be upset with me that I didn't tell her, if she figures it out im transgender. And in all honesty I just forget about it when im with her.
*trigger warning: self harm/blood*
I went to my nightstand and atop it I have a small jewelry box that is a Minecraft chest that I painted. I open it gently and hold the object in my hand. I put my knife in my pocket and go over to my paints. My inspiration was destroyed. I sat and brainstormed what I was going to do now, and a wilting rose came to mind. I stab my fingertip and blood comes to the surface. I mix it in with my red paint and now I feel complete. It might be some weird goth thing to do but I put a lot of me into what i do already. I don't cry, there is no use crying. I pull down my pj pants and cut my hip. I push hard. Blood comes to the surface of my skin as I make another mark.
---
{ Garroth's pov }
I pretended like I left and made another video because I needed to get payback at him. I watched Zane threw the crack of his door. He went over to his nightstand and opened his Minecraft chest jewelry box. Psh- thats gay and childish. When I saw him pull out a pocket knife I was kinda shocked. I went pale as he stabbed his finger and I saw a few drops of blood rush to his finger tip and it dripped slowly into his red paint . I now wonder if he dose this often- He has so many paintings in his room. I thought he was done so I was about to put my phone down but I saw him sit in his rolling chair. He pulled down his pajama pants a bit and stuck the knife into his hip. I stopped recording once I saw him get close to his skin with the knife. I got up quickly and went to my room. I shut the door and slid down the wall. I sat there watching the video over and over. I just had no words. I decided to not post that video, but I didn't delete it just in case I needed to show someone.
---
I was painting my rose. I had classical music playing threw my ear buds. It was soooo relaxing. I could not believe the amount of stress I was just painting away. It felt like a dream. I pulled my hair back after my bangs kept falling in my face. I had paint all over my sweatshirt again. All over my face and hands. This was one of the best paintings I have ever done. Hours later after starting it was complete. When I was finished I posted many pictures of it on my art account on Instagram. I decided to let it dry before I hung it on the wall so I got on a pair of ripped black jeans and went for a walk. The fall air was amazing. I loved seeing all the dead leaves. I walked to the coffee shop and grab a pumpkin spice frappe. Yummy~~ I sat down at a small table. It's sad to see a table with two stools with only one of them is filled. No matter. I brought my sketch book and i was drawing one of my ocs. She is such a queen and is very independent. Ive always wanted to explore watercoloring with coffee so i decided while im feeling artsy ill try it. I always come prepared, honestly, I do.. I left my sketch book there on the table along with my frappe and asked for a small black coffee and a cup of water. They kindly gave it to me after I paid of course. I went all the way in the back to my lonely table and started to water color a person.. It was what I imagined this person off Instagram to look like. They were an amazing singer and pianist, but has never revealed his face. Oh his voice makes me melt~ his way with the keys of the piano~ I want them in my room while I paint.
A few of the staff member came to see what I was doing by myself, dipping my paint brushes in water and coffee and onto paper. They all said that I had talent and saw my tag on my art. I gained 6 more followers from that one piece. They all know me pretty well from as much as I go there and I come to get the holiday drinks every time there is one, so they always know what I want now. They would also allow me to start working there if I wanted to, which I will obviously look into. As I was finishing up my coffee, my phone buzzed in my hand. Snapchat. Great. Someone is here to make fun of me for the video my brother posted.
snowyboi02 has added you as a friend!
"Who is that..?" No one from school has that name, that I know of anyway. So, I added him back.
Me: Are you here from the embarrassing video my brother posted on his story?
snowyboi02: No..? You were on my quick add and I literally don't have any friends... is it okay that I get to know you..?
This kid wants to get to know me? Wow.. Id like a friend actually.
Me: Yeah, that's fine. I don't have any friends either.
snowyboi02: Then I guess we have each other :)
Me: Yeah :)
I actually felt welcomed by this stranger. I smiled to myself, under my mask of course.
Me: Well I guess ill have to say it first, I am dying to know more about you. So spill the tea. lol.
snowyboi02: Hehe~ Wanna play 20 questions to get to know each other more?
Me: Yeah, that sounds great.
snowyboi02: Ill go first. What kind of music are you into?
Me: I like classical when I am working on art or reading. But other times I like deep songs, metal, phonk, anything really, just NOT country. Hby?
snowyboi02: I like learning classical music on piano, and listening when I need to calm down from anxiety. So we are basically the same, lol :)
Me: Oh cool
snowyboi02: So, are you a geek?
Me: Yesss, I die for video games, most importantly minecraft. And of course movies like starwars and Indiana jones, marvel, and anything 80-90s.
snowyboi02: I know! Minecraft is life! it's so fun and relaxing! I don't do scary games that much, but I like games about space. :) I don't get to see that many movies but id like to watch those.
Me: xbox or playstation.
This question could break our new bond. he better answer right.
snowyboi02: PlayStation..
Me: good:) What's your username
snowyboi02: snowyboi02.. heh. So original I know.
Me: no it's okay. It's a cute name. Is it a furry name or just a nickname or dose it have meaning?
Me: Sorry if it was a personal question you don't have to answer. (double texted)
snowyboi02: No it's okay. Its a nickname I gave myself..
Me: awe~ that's adorable. Well, my name is d3pr3ssioncandl3gawd. I made it up when I was younger.. ugh cringe.
snowyboi02: Stop it's cute! I love candles!
Me: You are such a precious bean:) I've never met someone who has such a good energy.
snowyboi02: What do you mean..? *blush*
Me: awe, well, it's a strange gift I have but I am a strong sensitive.. I can feel emotions and oras of other people.. and I am good at guessing. I feel that you are trying to be innocent and have a strong heart but you can't because of anxiety..
snowyboi02: ..
Me: sorry- shit I did it again- ill go if I just hurt your feelings.. I get triggered a lot by people who talk about their 'depression' when it's fake.
snowyboi02: No- it's okay- I know what you mean. And.. im glad you can see stuff like that.. because I would have never been able to hide the depersonalization from you that long.. I get upset sometimes after anxiety.. it's just hard to hide.. and I can't tell people much because I get anxious about them knowing or they use it against me later.. but im glad you told me you have depression.. im here for you..
Me: thanks.. no one has ever said that they were here for me..
snowyboi02: *snap of pine tree green converse outside in a tree*
"It's a nice feeling knowing I am the first :)"
Me: *snap of my black converse walking with sketchbook in my hand*
"It's a nice feeling being told that :)"
snowyboi02: I gotta go.. my dad..
Me: ok.. thanks for talking to me. seeya later.
My world isn't so dark anymore.. its like a greyish tint.
---
When I got home I hung my painting up by my book self. My phone buzzed in my hoodie pocket and I hoped that it was Snowy already but it wasn't. Fortunately it was the singing, piano playing daddy. I quickly went to his account and listened to his song. It was a cover of Creep by Radiohead. Oh im dead! This man can hit higher notes than my high.