We walk in the sand with our shoes in our hands, making a small conversation about nothing and everything. About the weather, about music, movies and food. I find out we have the same kind of taste in movies; action and comedies. His favorite is The Other Guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. He likes spaghetti and strawberries and says he can’t live without pineapples. He actually likes cold weather and would do anything to go sleigh riding and build a giant snowman that will last for days. I tell him he could go to Canada, there’s snow all year around.
“We even have polar bears walking around on the streets.”
“I don’t believe you.” He squints his eyes at me
“Only telling the truth,” I say, trying to hide a smile.
It’s always fun telling people that story. In some cases people actually believe me and that’s the moment I realize how stupid people can be. But Ashton’s not one of those people. I know he can tell I’m lying. If I ever saw a wild polar bear walking down the streets, I would die.
We find a big rock, or maybe I should say boulder, and sit down, just like by the lake. The beach is quite different from than the lake though. Here’s sand, people and the ocean doesn’t end. Yet, it’s peaceful and the water hits the shore like the lake water hit the rocks. I’m glad we don’t sit right by the end. I don’t want to get sand in my pants or my underwear so the rock is perfect. My feet are already sandy enough.
I wonder what Ashton told the other guys when he decided to ditch their game night. Did he say he was tired or did he say he was just meeting up with another friend? I wonder if he told them my name, or if he said Amy’s. It felt like it was ages ago since I saw Amy even though it was only yesterday. A lot has happened since then. The party, the ‘have you ever’-game, the cabin and Ashton’s story, Michael befriending my parents, and now this. All in 24 hours.
“What are you thinking of?” Ashton nudges me with his elbow.
But instead of telling him all of that, I say I’m thinking about the ocean and how peaceful it is.
“You’re lying.”
“I am not ly-“
“Yes you are.” He raises an eyebrow.
“Fine,” I sigh. “I’m just thinking of what has happened during these 24 hours. About you, Michael, Amy, the party…”
And then I see a picture of Luke appearing. He always finds a way to get on my mind.
“You seem so different, all of you. Especially you and Luke.”
“We’ve been friends for like forever. I’ve stopped asking why I’m friends with them anymore, we just are.”
“Are all of you great friends?”
“Not really. Michael and Luke kind of hate each other,” he shakes his head and tells me about Michael kissing Luke’s girlfriend at a party. “But Luke really shouldn’t worry about that.”
“Why not?”
Michael’s quite good looking if you’re into the whole punk rock thing.
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t know what?” I frown at him.
“He’s gay.”
“He’s what!?” I repeat, still frowning.
“Michael’s gay. He’s a guy who likes guys. Nothing much.”
I’m confused, shocked, surprised. Here I thought that Michael likes me, has a crush on me. He is always so nice to me. And he’s gay? How did I not see that coming?
“You thought he liked you, didn’t you?” Ashton smirks, nudging my arm again.
“No,” I blush.
“You did!”
“Yeah I did, but…” I’m lost for words.
“Don’t worry, he makes people feel special.”
“So now you’re gay too?
Ashton laughs.
“No, I’m definitely not. Not that it’s wrong, I just like girls.”
If this was a movie or a romantic teen book, and I’d be confident, this is where I would ask him if there’s any girl in particular and he would say yes, and we would kiss. But this is not a movie or a book. I’m not confident and he still got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who he really should hang out with on a Saturday evening. A girlfriend who yet hasn’t called or texted, or interrupted our hangout.
“Okay, what’s up now? I can tell when you’re thinking of something.”
“Why are you even hanging with me?”
Ashton turns his head to me.
“What? Are you seriously asking me that?” He frowns.
I nod. I want to know. I am nothing like him.
“You shouldn’t ask me that," he says, looking out on the ocean.
“Why not?” I say, irritated. “I want to know.”
But he stays quiet, his eyes still focusing somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I feel my heart sink. What if he hates me? What if he’s playing some kind of game and he’ll tell all his friends about me and then they’ll laugh because I’m so easy to trick. It wouldn’t be the first time. But I honestly thought Ashton was my friend. I have to get out of here before something happens.
“Where are you going?” He looks at me as I’m putting on my shoes ready to leave.
“Home. I…I,” Then I realize he drove me here. Smart, Joselyn. Smart.
“You can’t be serious. Are you mad because I didn’t answer your question?”
Yes.
“No…” I stand up but Ashton grabs my wrist and pulls me down again.
“Let go of me!” I try to escape but his grip is too tight. “It hurts.”
“Sorry.” He lets go of my wrist but puts his hands on my face instead, warmth spreading underneath his palms.
“You wanna know why I didn’t answer your question?” He looks into my eyes.
I nod. Here it comes.
“Because you shouldn’t even ask such a question. Don’t doubt our friendship, Joselyn. Don’t doubt anyone’s friendship. I like you and I like hanging out with you, okay?”
He likes hanging out with me? But most importantly, he likes me?
“But we’re so different.”
“Yeah, we’re not the same, but we’re not that different either. Sure, I hang out with people like Luke, but that relationship is not the same as ours. You have to stop being so insecure about yourself. I know it isn’t easy, but you’ve got to trust me. I know you’ve been through hell, been ignored and so, but this.” He points between us. “This is not like that.”
He keeps looking into my eyes, making sure I’ve heard it all. His breath smells like strawberries, like always, and I am almost sure he’s going to kiss me, but he lets go of my face and puts his arm around my shoulder instead. Why do I keep thinking about him kissing me? I shake my head. I need to stop thinking about those lips.
“Sorry, it’s just…it has happen before, you know? People claiming to be my friend but then they were just making a fool out of me.”
My eyes begin to water and I close my eyes. Here I go again, opening up. Ashton has some kind of power of me, something I cannot control, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
“You haven’t told me.” He rubs my back. It feels so good.
“First time it happened was when I was 10. There were these girls who decided to be my friend, or so I thought. They invited me over to a birthday party and told me it was a dress up. So I dressed up as a lion and my face was painted. When I got to the party and walked inside they were all standing there, all the girls and some boys from my class, laughing and pointing. It was horrible. It took me a week to get the paint away from my face so I was walking around with an orange-yellowish face.”
I think back on the memory that I wish I could forget, but somehow I can’t. I had just switched schools and there were these girls that were nice to me all week and then on the Saturday it was all gone. I didn’t want to go back to school, but mom forced me, told me I just had to suck it up and tell the teacher if they were mean again but the teacher wouldn’t listen.
“I’m so sorry.”
“The seconds time…”
“Wait, it happened more than once?” Ashton moves a little and I know he’s facing me, but I don’t look up. I can’t. When I’ve started talking, I’ve got to finish, and he will distract me if I focus my eyes elsewhere.
“Yeah. The second time was when I was 14 and I actually had a friend. Christine, her name was. She was an outcast, just like me. We talked every day. We had the same classes, we had lunch together. It was really nice. Until after about 2 months, when she suddenly started hanging with the popular kids. She didn’t even say goodbye and when I tried to talk to me, she told me I was a loser and then she and the others made up rumors about me. So that’s why I don’t really trust anyone.”
“No one?”
I shake my head.
“You can trust me.”
“I want to. I really do but I’ve been through some shit and it’s gonna take a while for me to get back. But…” I take a deep breath. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me, but somehow it feels easier talking with you and I feel like I really can open up to you. That’s why I asked about our friendship. ‘Cause if this…If you’re…”
My voice breaks and he holds me even tighter, stroking my hair. The tears are there and there’s nothing to stop them. He brings out all the bad parts of me, he makes me remember them and I hate him for that. I hate to cry like this in front of others, to show everyone how vulnerable I am. But at the same time, I want to thank him. It’s hard keeping it all in. It’s hard not to have anyone.
“Like I said, don’t doubt it. Don’t doubt it,” he says quietly.
I look up at him and see him looking out over the horizon again. He must really like it out there. I wonder what he’s thinking of. He is right, we are different but at the same time we are the same. I don’t know why, but it feels like he understands me. He may not have been bullied or thrown away like me, but yet I wonder if anything like this has ever happened to him. I hope not. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s too kind.
As we make our way back to the car, walking close, my hand touches his making and it makes me buzz. I feel his hand stay against mine and I stop. He does the same. He looks at me, his eyes sparkling.
“Can I…?”
I nod as he slips his hand into mine. I am not exaggerating when I say the world stops and I don’t feel the sand under my feet anymore. The electricity is back and every word, every smile, everything he and I have done flashes before me. I feel…invincible. We start walking again and the smile doesn’t leave my face. It’s hard to understand I cried five minutes earlier.
“Do you wanna get breakfast at Sunday’s tomorrow?” He pushes his hair back with his free hand.
“Don’t you have work?”
“Oh, right. Lunch?”
“Sure.”
“Great. Say 11?”
“Perfect.”
He smiles and I don’t even realizes we’ve reached the car. I look down on our hands. Again I can’t help to think, that if this was a movie, this is when we would lean into each other and kiss. But since it’s still not a movie, we let go of our hands and the warmth disappears. He looks down on his hand frowning, turning it over, like it was the first time he ever saw it, before he opens the door, jumps in and starts the engine.
When we reach my house he turns to me, just when I’m about to open the car door.
“You felt that too, right? The…I don’t know how to explain it. But it felt like electricity?”
I nod.
“And back at Sunday’s when I…”
“Yes. I felt that too. I feel it every time we touch or accidently brush against each other.”
“Okay, good. I thought I was the one going mad,” he laughs nervously.
I want to ask him what he thinks it is. I want to ask him if he has an explanation, but I don’t. I don’t get the chance because mom’s standing outside the car, knocking on the window.
“See you tomorrow, then?”
I nod, returning his smile. Mom’s still standing outside when I open the door, and quickly shuts it so she can’t say anything to him. I wave at him as he pulls away from the driveway.
“Look at you, all smiling.”
Mom puts her arm around my shoulder and pulls me in for a hug. And I don’t shake her off. I actually hug her back.
-
I wrote parts of this chapter in the beginning, just when I decided to make Affection real. I remember writing everything down on my phone. I changed a few words and added some parts but other than that, it's all the same. So I hope you like this chapter as much as I do. Comment and vote if you do. Love you guys <3 xx