12:42 am
It's funny you know, I used to love to spam his phone at night with long meaningful messages for him to wake up to.
And now, it feels like the whole dynamic has changed.
It feels like leaving him those messages now would only annoy him in the morning.
He's scared of loving and I'm scared of not being loved.
It all happened so quickly, from one moment to the next.
Two days ago he sent me his good night text and I couldn't have been any happier. Tonight he sent me his good night text and it just seemed like he's going through the motions.
I hate it.
We were happy.
I was happy.
I thought he was too.
There's times we play around, and are rude to each other. Even though he is playing around (or at least he says he is) his words still hurt.
He may not understand why, but it's because I'm so insecure when it comes to him. I feel like I would never be good enough for him. So when he makes his jokes they hit me where it hurts.
I just want him to love me.
I want to be with him.
I've always told him that I love everything about him. All of his faults, everything about him, I love it all. It makes him who he is.
I told him I wouldn't let him push me away, but it hurts even more feeling like he's trying to distance his heart from me.
I can't go on pretending that we are fine. It would kill me.
But I can't not have him in my life either.
I can't see myself with someone who isn't him.
It's funny, tattoos to me are one of the most attractive things on a guy besides hair and piercings (all of which he has) but I had never considered getting any myself.
Until I met him.
I want his name.
Inked in me forever.
Just like he will forever have my heart.
I read a quote somewhere that goes like this, "He said he was scared of commitment but he had tattoos all over his skin, I guess he didn't see me as a work of art or maybe he didn't think the pain was worth it."
I can't help but feel like I'm just another tattoo he's gonna remove. If I was ever there in the first place.
He isn't the only one who's terrified here. I'm scared beyond words. Not to love him but that he isn't gonna love me back.
I really wish things were okay. And I could send him a long text like I usually would and everything would be great in the morning.
He wasn't leaving, we would make it those three days and hit our 6 month mark, we would still be happy.
God I love him.
And every time I think that it makes me want to cry.
I told him about this, and he told me he wanted to read it when it was finished.
But he doesn't know exactly what it's about. He has no idea the words and emotions that are held within the chapters of this book.
And I'm afraid that if he knew he wouldn't care. I'm afraid of the end of this book.
Because when this book ends so could our relationship all together.
And that leaves me gasping for air.
Every time I try to imagine myself without him I feel like I'm drowning.
The sad thing is, I don't think he would understand at all.
3:18 am
I was reading a book a bit ago called "Letters To You." God I wish you would understand.
I'm talking to my friend Edward and he was saying how his girlfriend and him broke up and then got back together and how things aren't the same.
We didn't get back together, but things aren't the same either.
I wish I could tell you all of this. I wish you could read this. I wish I could text you right now and list from A-Z all the reasons why I love you.
But I feel like my words don't matter anymore.
And who am I?
You used to tell me that whoever ended up with me was lucky, after a while you would correct me when I would say stuff like your future wife and your kids.
You would always put me into it, saying how I was gonna be your future wife. How it was gonna be OUR kids.
And yesterday you told me "Whoever ends up with you in the end is the luckiest bastard." I wanted that to be you.
I will always want that to be you.
I love you and I feel like you don't love me anymore.
And I don't understand.
Either you still love me and you have a damned good way of hiding it or you never did.
The other day when you were talking about your past and you told me that you had the most amazing wifey to be (shout out to me) and how I was an escape for you and took you away from your problems for a while.
Things just changed so quickly, I don't know if you are just that good lying or you never meant any of it and that terrifies me.
Because no matter where my thoughts lead me, I'm in love with you.
And tonight like last night I'll cry myself to sleep holding my pillow wishing one day it will be you.
4:07 pm
This morning I got my "Goodmorning beautiful" text.
It made me smile to think that things were going back to at least some level of normality.
Except just like yesterday he's distant. As today has gone by I realize that this isn't hurting him in the slightest yet everytime I think of it I want to cry.
They say in relationships there is always one person who loves more. That has always been me, even now it's me.
Except now I feel like he never cared at all.
I mentioned something about him never having to be forever alone and his response?
"Thats what I want"
To which I said "Yeah but it isn't like you don't have a million girls to choose from."
Had that been a week ago his response would have been "I don't want any of them, I just want you."
His response this time?
"I don't want them."
Clear as day.
Clear that I was now apart of the girls that he doesn't want.
It breaks my heart thinking it, it crushes me more to realize it's true.
Two years ago I was so done with relationships. I never wanted to fall in love again. But I did.
And I don't want to admit that he is like my exs because he is nothing like them.
But yet this is hurting me more then ever.
I'd like to say that he hasn't realized what he's doing to me. Although that's a lie.
I'm sure he knows he's breaking me.
And I can't put a band aid on my heart.
He used to tell me that knowing he hurt me would kill him. And yet I'm the one who's sitting here dying.
No one knows how much food disgusts me right now.
No one, not even my mother can see the pain in my eyes.
I'm so tired of crying.
I'm tired of being sad.
I guess it's time for me to forget. To let him and our memories go.
Why did I give you so much power Farren?
I've told you over and over again that you could break me but I've always trusted you not to.
And that's exactly what you're doing.
You're tearing me apart from the inside.
After this, I don't want anyone else.
I'm okay with being alone, because I know that no one will ever make me feel so alive.
But I also know that no one will ever make me feel so dead at the same time.
God I love you.
Why couldn't you love me the same way?
5:52 pm
I haven't cried today.
The tears have threatened to spill over but I've kept them at bay.
I used to love getting texts from you, they always made my day.
Now I fear that the next text will be the one where you say you don't love me anymore.
That kills me.
You asked me if I was happy.
No I'm not.
You don't see that I'm dying inside?
I had done so good, I was actually smiling and talking to others. I wasn't feeling as much pain.
But every fucking time I think of you another piece of my heart falls away.
I can't do this anymore Farren.
I love you, but it's killing me.
I guess I was trying to protect your feelings more then my own. I didn't want you to know how much you hurt me.
I wasn't trying to guilt you into anything but I can't pretend I'm fine in text when I'm sitting here with blurred vision.
Why don't you love me?
10:58 pm
I told him the truth. I told him what was bothering me.
I understand now that he does love me very much. Distancing himself is the way he gets through.
I understand that.
He makes me love him even more, he told me that there would always be an "us" no matter what happens.
I realize now that for the past two days I was depressed. Others may not have noticed but when I was by myself I was crying every five seconds.
Farren just has a was of changing the way I feel.
Things I love about you;
You're sweet
You're kind
You have an amazing heart
You love me even at my worst
You make me smile
You made me laugh when I had forgotten how to smile
You brighten my day
There will always be an us
You will always love me, I have no doubt about that anymore
I know I can tell you anything
You bring me up when I'm feeling down
You stayed home to text me instead of going out with your friends
You loved me, at a time when I didn't even love myself.
And lastly you love me.
For all my faults
All my insecurities
My past
You love me in the morning, you love me in the afternoon,
You love me at night, you love me when I spam you.
You love me when I'm distant, you love me even more when I tell you how much I love you.
You love me unconditionally.
And I love you the same.
You love me no matter what.
I love you no matter what.
Through thick and thin, there will always be an us.