^^Bonnie Bennett^^
"I don't know what to do Bonnie?"
"I can't say that I understand the situation," she sighed through the phone, "especially if the pack is still asking for your assistance."
"Kind of makes me wish I didn't bother tapping into my powers again," I complained, "I knew there had to be a reason they came back this soon. I think I'm being tested."
"And this Paul guy is the only one against this?"
"Yeah," I said, "I can understand where he's coming from, but surely there cant be something so... permanent. Have you ever heard of an imprint?"
"Only when you mentioned it." She sounded just as defeated as I was. "But it sounds like a soulmate type of thing, almost like a spell too -where a person is bound to another person."
"It's enough for them to all believe that Paul will die soon if the imprint isn't broken," I explained, "and I tried to explain to Paul that his brothers need him, and the tribe needs him. But he refused. He loathes me, and the scary thing was, he reminded me so much of Tyler that I almost let my guard down."
"What do you mean you almost let your guard down?" Now she sounded concerned.
"I almost let him win and walked away, but the thing was, I was too stubborn I went ahead with it. Now I'm even more confused than ever." I sighed again, "it's almost as if no believes me when I tell them that Rachel came to me and mentioned determined imprinting. Now I haven't been more confused. I just want to get away from this all."
"No can do magic boy." She teased, "it's in our blood whether you like it or not. It's what we do, and if Paul was brought to your table, this is something you have to fix."
"What about the consequences?"
"Sometimes there aren't any." She said matter-of-factly. "Just go with your gut Brandon, maybe this one will turn out."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm saying maybe this will help you get over you-know-who and find someone good enough for you."
She didn't have to say his name for me to feel like crap. She knew I still thought about him constantly, and I always wondered if I was still on his mind in some way. I wanted to be. I wanted him to miss me, to feel like he had lost his world.
I wanted him to feel what I felt.
"How is he?" I blurted out.
"Still being Tyler." She said without a care. "Even after he became human with the same risks of becoming a wolf again."
"What?" I stopped what I was doing. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, the town has been invaded by travelers that had cast a spell on all vampires that can't enter and it affected Tyler in a different way," she paused. "Because of him being a hybrid, his vampirism faded just as his werewolf gene settled again. If Tyler kills again, he becomes a wolf again."
"Does he want to become a wolf again?" I asked.
"As far as Matt knows, no." She replied unsurely, "but Matt keeps asking how you dealt with Tyler. As much as Tyler tries to act all tough and crap, Matt thinks he still misses you."
"But everyone thinks I'm dead still right?"
"Yeah," she sighed annoyed, "I didn't tell anyone. But do you really think it's fair everyone thinking you're dead? They still miss you."
"I wish I could believe you Bon, but I hate going back to square one all of the time," I said disappointedly. "The place seems to be full of lies. Every time it's always someone betraying someone. Which is why I had grown not to trust in vampires."
"Not them, but the rest of us," She argued, "well Elena does too, but that's a different story."
"Yeah, the same one that turned off her humanity and almost killed me for trying to help her out," I said annoyed. "She's lucky I wasn't as powerful as I am now... or was then... well you know what I mean."
"Alright, alright, dropping the subject..." she giggled, "but I do miss you. Things aren't the same without my sidekick."
"'Scuse you, Robin." I teased, "I'm the Batman to this gig."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it... but I do miss having you around..." she said before interrupting herself, "... did you find any guys that interest you?"
"No, I haven't really looked." I sighed, "though the guys in the wolf pack aren't that bad to look at, except I'm pretty sure that they're all taken."
"You don't need that type of trouble in your life again anyways." She giggled over the phone, "besides, you need to stop falling for the tough bad guys, I seriously thought it was only the girls that did that, but..."
"Oh shut it, Bon, I know..." I laughed back. "But I have to get back. I'll figure something out."
"I know you will." She assured, "just get to know the dude and let him trust you, that you're only there to help him get through this."
"Yeah..." I paused, "I'll try."
"Love you, Brandon," she said before hanging up.
Talking to Bonnie reminded me why I left and why it was so hard for me to leave. Sometimes I find myself sitting here for hours, thinking and pondering on the thought of what would happen if I returned to Mystic Falls.
Would I be welcomed back with open arms? Or would my life go back to the way it was?
Yeah, none of it was playing out for the best of me.
But yet, what's making me stay here? Is here, where I'm supposed to be? It only seems that everywhere I go, things turn bad and they turn to me to fix it because I'm foolish and too kind to say no.
The pack was desperate, and so was the tribe, I was resistant and Paul was... well I'm not exactly sure how he felt about it by now. Probably annoyed and a bit disgusted. He had a lot of resentment, and at the moment, I couldn't fully understand just how much Rachel meant to him if he knew that this was all steered by an imprint. The more I heard about, the more it disgusted me. I asked the others, and in their eyes, no other mattered to them but their imprints. No being could replace the beauty and grace that their imprint beholds.
To me, it sounded like some witch-doctor holding a spell on someone to make them think they're in love. Probably because I wanted to believe that somewhere out there is love.
It wasn't too long before Sam came to pick me up again, and I knew I would be spending all my energy trying to do what everyone tells me. I keep thinking I could say no, but when they tell me that Paul's life is in jeopardy, I feel guilty and always promise to try my best.
Though I don't understand Paul, and I don't think I ever will. I just met him and I already want to tell him that he's worth the life he's trying to throw away. Then there's the other part of me that feels like walking away from all of this.
I followed Sam back into Paul's house, feeling the heavy energy already weigh me down, like heavy energy pushing down on my shoulders, refusing me to take another step as if my feet are cemented in a concrete block. But, I keep moving. I can feel the emotions already, and as intense as it was, I knew I still needed to enter the room. Sam informed me that they've done everything medical-wise in order to keep him a little sane; the rest was up to me.
I sat in the old creaky wooden chair across from Paul in the dark, a bit of sunlight peeked through the heavy drapes. A small candle was lit on the nightstand next to his bed. He still lay sweating and glaring at the ceiling as if it had owed him a favor in some way.
I watched as he barely moved, and so did Jacob. He sat opposite of us and promised to be here if it went out of hand.
I never had the chance to ask him how this all affected him, losing one of his sisters and his mother had to be such a heartbreak. His whole family needed to grieve, and here I was waltzing in.
"Maybe you guys need time to grieve," I muttered, frustrated with myself as I buried my face in my palms. "I can't imagine going through what you guys are going through. I can' take away the proper process."
Paul didn't say a thing. But Jacob did.
"We are." He mumbled. "The thing is, I have Nessie there to get me through the shit I can't face, and the one person Paul should have is no longer here. I can't ask him to stay with us when giving up sounds so easy."
"So you don't support the pack's decisions?" I asked. He shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm not sure how I feel about it honestly." His voice cracked a bit, "I do miss my sister, and can never ask to feel what Paul is feeling because even the thought of it is frightening." He paused, Paul still not saying a thing. "You see, it's not only Paul's duty as an imprinter to keep her safe, but us as a pack, if he fails, so do we. We all feel the loss, but it's Paul's decision on how he wants to go about this."
Everything brought up was because it was up to Paul and nobody else. As much as I could try to convince him -according to him- he lost his soul mate.
At the moment, Paul wasn't too pleased with me either because I've seen her. The things she said to me would never be believable to him. I didn't bother telling him either. It would do more damage than good. I just sat there for hours until he was asleep and Sam figured that it was time I just went home.
I made the hardest decision I had to make in a while. I had to tell Sam and the council that I would no longer be avid to their request. It would be up to Paul if he needed me around, I had to turn away and feel the crap I knew I'd be facing. I just didn't think it was going to be as bad as it was going to get.
I spoke to Bonnie every day almost, and the more I had, she encouraged my decision. I had to do what I had to do, but that didn't mean I should be suffering because of it. But the fact was, I was beginning to feel it. I felt depressed. I felt hurt. I felt disconnected. I was pretty much attached to my bed and made no effort to leave at any time.
A week into it, I even stopped taking calls from Bonnie. Her concern was getting the best of her and she told my aunt that if I wasn't going to talk soon, she was coming. So I lied and gave her assurance that I was okay.
I didn't know how or why I was feeling such despair, but I knew I hated it. It was as if I was moping over Tyler once again and a piece of my heart was still with him. I was so sure that I was over the guy, and yet he remained on my mind just as much as Paul had. Paul's name spoken was enough to make me feel like a failure.
News spread that the pack was at unease and they were beginning to feel the weight on their shoulders. The grief their pack brother was facing was beginning to really affect them. Paul wasn't getting any better, and his refusal to speak to anyone was really beginning to concern a lot of them.
My ambition was no longer there either. It felt as if the magic that had coursed through me was nothing but a joke.
The powers.
The spells.
Everything that defined me; disappeared with whatever hope I had to ever recover. I was beginning to think that maybe I did need Tyler in some way that I had some sort of connection with him the way Paul had with Rachel.
I didn't want to tell Bonnie either because I knew she'd spill the news and drag Tyler here to try and fix things. But the thought of him still upset me more than made me happy. I hated the fact that I still loved him.
I was so confused.
Nothing seemed to help either.
It was as if the reserve was facing a big depression and socializing was the last thing on everyone's mind. I even received news from a very frustrated Embry that the pack was on the brink of separating again. Jacob was thinking of leaving with his imprint and her coven when the time came, which meant that Seth and Leah would be leaving with him, and the other's would be just as disconnected as everyone else. Embry was lost for words and ideas to what he should do, and I felt the guilt of not knowing how to help him.
Once again, my cousin was losing another family because of me. He grew up knowing most of his family resented him, and now the others were abandoning him.
It wasn't until Embry came to me late one night, begging me to find out how to fix this -that it all seemed to all start when I came to help Paul when I couldn't. He asked me to try one last time with the man, and I couldn't deny him.
I owed Embry so much.
So I cleaned up and decided to follow Embry over to Paul's.
That was the first time I met Embry's wolf, and the first time I had ever ridden on the back of such a beautiful creature. His wolf was so majestic and supernatural. His fur reflected and shined with the moonlight -soft and frizzy.
It wasn't long before I realized that I was already on Paul's front porch.
My hands were shaky, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I turned to see Embry's massive wolf whimper for me to continue. I hesitated for a moment before I took the first step up the stairs and into the dark, poorly lit house. It was quiet and almost hollow.
It almost seemed as if no one has been here for a while and had given up on Paul just as I had.
I walked down the creaky hallway that led to the shifter's room. I was sure by then that he knew that someone was here, and prepared myself for an angry man that wanted no visitors.
The door creaked open just as I jiggled the knob. Right away I was caught by the smell of body odor and depression. The lamp was still lit on the side, and Paul still laid on his bed with his eyes closed. He looked peaceful for the first time, and I wondered how upset he would be to see me here once again. So I sat in my usual spot and sighed in defeat, trying to think of the best way I could approach this. Wondering how I was going to handle this when I didn't feel that well too.
"They said you gave up." His deep baritone echoed through the small room. I froze for a moment before taking a small breath.
"I thought I did."
"Then why the hell did you come back?" He asked angered, now turning to me.
"I really don't know." I shrugged. "I could tell you a bunch of lies, but I guess the truth is... I don't know how to give up really."
"Well, you're wasting your time." He grumbled. "You can leave just like the rest of those fuckers."
"How can you say that about them?" I asked a bit disgusted. "Aren't they like your brothers."
"My brothers wouldn't pull the shit they did." He seethed, "a brother would never let another suffer this way."
"Haven't they been supportive?"
"They should've done what I asked them to in the first place and let me die." He replied even angrier. "I was so ready for this, but now, I don't know why the fuck I'm still here."
"Because you're not supposed to die Paul." I blurted out.
"How the hell would you know?" He growled, "you keep coming in here acting like you know everything when you don't know shit."
"I know that if it was supposed to end here, it would have," I argued. "There has to be something telling you that you're supposed to live."
"You don't get it you idiot," he said frustrated, "I don't want to live, no matter who tells me I should be. I'm fucking done."
"Stop calling me down." I said pissed, "I grew up with being called down to the dirt. I've lost people like you. I never knew my parents because they were taking away from me, I fell in love for the wrong reasons and learned the hard way." I said more upset, "there were days that I wished that I was never brought back here because living in the dark realms of death was a lot less scary than facing life." I stopped for a moment, "I wanted to embrace the afterlife, and I hoped that the light that was supposed to come and get me -did. But each time I was sent back to face the same damn pain I had endured so many times. So you calling me every name in the book is just a reminder that I can never please everyone."
"You cheated death?" He asked in a softer tone.
"More like death banished me too," I responded. "I keep thinking, if I'm not supposed to die, then how the hell do I find a way to live. I've been searching for those answers for how long now because just for once I wanted to belong. I wanted what everyone else had. A reason."
"How did you die?"
"It doesn't matter," I said without a care. "Just know that both the times were in the hands of someone I thought that I loved -people I thought that love me. But the truth was enough to kill me on the insides, which is why I don't know what the hell it means what you or anyone else goes through." I stood up and paced, "which is why I decided not to force this shit on you and let you face what's coming to you. If it's death than I pray you see the light, but if it's life, I sure the hell hope you live it at its best."
I was a bit unsure of what he was doing until I realized that he was sitting up on his bed. His hands rested in front of him as his stare remained on his clasped hands together.
"Why would you help a stranger?"
"I don't know." I shrugged again, "I guess it's in my nature to meddle when I shouldn't. But the main thing was because your pack and friends asked me to, and as corny as it sounds, I just wanted to belong and feel needed once again, even if I had to almost kill myself doing it."
"Why risk your life?"
"Because I've done it so many times I guess this is me trying to finally accept my fate and maybe one day I could be at peace." I admitted, "there have been days where I wished that I wouldn't wake up because I was afraid of who I might have to please next. I didn't want any more responsibilities."
"Shit!" He muttered, "it's starting to feel like you deserve this more than I do."
"Yeah," I let out a sarcastic chuckle, "I guess one can only hope."
"Fuck, I didn't mean it like that, shit," he wiped the sweat off his forehead, "I'm a fucking ass when it comes to this type of shit. But I didn't mean it that way. I would never wish this shit on anyone, no matter how annoying you might be. But I'll be damned if I didn't know that you knew how I felt. We just have different reasons."
"Is yours a good enough reason?" I asked him.
He didn't say anything for a moment, "Rachel was my everything, but she sure didn't make me feel like I meant everything to her."
"I'm sorry to hear."
"You're sorry," he smirked, "I'm sorry. We shifters imprint and fall foolishly in love with whomever we are supposed to be with, but our imprints don't feel the same effects as we do and sometimes we're walking a one-way street. Rachel sure knew how to dangle me by her side and make feel like crap. But she didn't want the imprint, and for the longest time, she fought it. I couldn't understand it, but I accepted it. Then she started giving me the chance until her life was claimed."
"Did it last long?" He shook his head. "Have you dreamt of her?"
"Just about the day she died." He admitted. "Kind of pisses me off that the last words she said to me were that she wished I hadn't imprinted on her."
"Sorry to hear that," I admitted, having pity for the man.
"It's no big deal really," he shrugged, "it's actually the shit that has me conflicted. I loved that woman, and at times I felt stupid because of it. Shit, her family didn't even like the fact that I belonged to her."
"But you loved her?" He sat still, then slightly shrugging as he stared at his hands, "because you had to?"
"Most of the time it did feel like it. I adored the woman, and yet, I was handed the shitty end of the stick and it was like she never wanted me around." I could hear the anger in his voice. "Then I did everything to prove to her that I was worthy of being her boyfriend, and it longer than I thought to finally feel wanted by her. She began inviting me to places and asking me where we could go next on our dates. I'd always try something different, and by then I was sure that she was beginning to open up just as I was sure that Billy and Jacob were finally accepting me too. Then somehow shit hit the fan."
"What happened?"
"She had more than she could handle." He stated matter-of-factly. "We decided to go out with a few of her college buddy's, and I always knew from the beginning that she resented me for her having to give up college for a while -her dad's orders. But anyways... she was having a good time, and I figured I wouldn't bother her and just remain in the background. When the booze started kicking in, she started calling me out, saying I was the man that ruined her life –even calling me down to the filth- just belittling me. I wasn't having it then, I was far too pissed to deal with it I was sure I was about to phase. So I left to do so, so I wouldn't hurt her. I figured... I figured that I'd be back before she decided to leave. But I was so wrong..." he began to sob again. "It was all my fault... I let her go... she'd be here if I hadn't let her go."
"The thing is Paul. She did." I said as true as I could. "There's nothing any of us can say to change it, but there is a way you can change on how you feel about it. Which is where the grieving comes in, and we start facing it. No one is asking you to go in this alone, just don't be afraid to ask for help."
"Are some kind of counselor or something?" He asked without concern, "because it seems like you know more than you should like you've been through this shit... does it ever stop?"
"I don't even know the answers to that." I sighed, "I'm still waiting for it to get better, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up this time. I think that's where I made the mistake before was thinking I didn't deserve more than was given to me. I still have hope that one day I wouldn't have to worry as much and I could say that I'm even the slightest bit okay. But first, I have to deal with what I'm going through first to get there."
"Do you find that it's worth it?"
I shrugged again, "I wish I could say yes, but as of now, I'm kind of glad where I am now because I have a family I hadn't really known to help me get through it." I sat down again, "Embry and my aunt have been nothing but supportive, and if I can help them in any way too, then I will. They both deserve more than what life has handed them."
"Don't we all?"
"I like to think so."
"Are you really here to break the imprint?"
"I can only try."
"Do you really think you can break it? Or is it just false hope for the pack and the council?"
"They know that I'm not promising anything, I just want to help in any way I can, and prove to myself that my powers are growing rather than fading."
"Let's just say that I let you break the imprint, what happens from there?" He asked concerned.
"Then I'll leave and you can hopefully live your life." I shrugged, "then maybe I can be brave enough to go back home and finish what I really started."
"And what is that?"
"Taking my life back."
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