20: expectations
this is my new fAvoRite calum gif ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also i apologize but this is nowhere near edited
I was slowly moving around the kitchen as I prepared two cups of peppermint ginger tea; one for myself and one for Calum. He was on his way, and would be arriving at any time. I placed the mugs on a tray next to the two bowls of oatmeal I had made. I had no idea whether or not Calum liked oatmeal, but I knew oatmeal was bland enough to stomach whenever people were sick, and it's also good for your immune system.
Just as I went to lift the tray, the doorbell rang and echoed throughout the house. I breathed in deeply as I pulled myself together, and I left the tray as I made my way out of the kitchen and to the front door.
What would my dad think if he knew I was sneaking boys in? Who had I become?
I pushed my random thoughts into the back of my head and continued to the door, unlocking it just before opening it swiftly. Immediately I could tell how much better Calum looked than I did. Seeing myself in the mirror this morning had been a horrifying experience.
"Oh, Maya," Calum said, taking in my appearance. He wrapped his arms around me before a second could pass and I sniffled as I tried to laugh quietly. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Calum," I told him, laughing quietly as he pulled away to look at me. "How come you're not so sick?"
"I rarely ever get to a point where I look sick," Calum said, followed by a sniffle. "I'm probably just as sick as you are, it just doesn't make it to my eyes."
"I look ugly, don't I?" I asked, laughing as I opened the door wider and invited him in.
"You do not look ugly," Calum told me after I closed the door. I turned toward him and he breathed in deeply. "You just look tired and pale, and I know that's not normal for you. You look just short of pitiful, but still beautiful." I smiled to myself as Calum continued and I saw a small smile play on his lips.
"I made us some breakfast," I told Calum, pulling him with me as I walked back into the kitchen.
"Oh, you didn't have to do that." I walked over to the tray, but Calum had the same idea and grabbed it before I could. "I want to help," he told me and I gave him a smile before nodding my head. "Should I take this to the living room?"
"Oh... yeah, I guess. I had almost taken it upstairs, but we should probably stay in the living room," I said, now realizing that if we took it upstairs we would have to lay in bed together.
"You sure? If you want to lay down, I can take a chair up—"
"You drive me insane." Calum's head tilted in confusion at my words and I sighed quietly. "Never mind. Let's go upstairs... it's warmer up there." Calum's head nodded slowly and I led the way as we walked upstairs to my bedroom. I breathed in deeply before opening my door and directed Calum where to place the tray as he walked in behind me. I shut the door behind us as he did what I had told him, and I crawled into my bed, sitting against the farthest wall that my bed was pushed against. Calum started to look around, as if he was looking for somewhere to sit and my eyes rolled before I reached forward and grabbed his wrist, pulling him down onto the bed. "Do you even like me?" I tried to joke, but was actually slightly frustrated with him.
"Yeah... a lot. That's why I'm trying not to mess anything up." I looked at Calum as he looked at me and I slowly shook my head in disbelief.
"You keep surprising me," I whispered and he smiled sweetly before making himself comfortable beside of me in the bed. We both took a corner of the tray as we pulled it closer to us.
"This looks really good. Thanks, Maya." Calum leaned toward me and kissed my cheek gently, causing my insides to squirm.
"Of course," I told him, nodding my head. "The tea is ginger peppermint... it's a lot of flavor, but it'll help clear and relieve tension in your sinuses." While I was talking, I pulled my laptop into my lap and turned it on before signing in. I started to play the cd Calum had made me and immediately began to smile.
"Have you listened all the way through yet?" Calum asked as he swirled his spoon around in the oatmeal.
"Mhmm," I told him, nodding my head. "You sing one of them, don't you?"
"Maybe," Calum said, shrugging as he spoke. "What makes you think that?"
"You sang a little in the auditorium the other day... and I had to listen to it a second time to make sure, but it sounds like you." I clicked on track number three on iTunes and listened as the song began. I looked over at Calum to see his cheeks turning a light shade of pink. "Calum, you're amazing."
"Where's my poem?" Calum asked, and I smirked before carefully standing up on my bed and walking around the tray before jumping down onto my floor. I walked over to the vanity in my room and grabbed a slip of paper that was laying on the surface. I walked back to my bed, carefully got back in my spot, and hesitated to hand Calum the sheet of paper. "Wait, you really wrote something?" I nodded my head and Calum slowly took the paper from my hands as he smiled. He started to read it aloud and I cringed, but let him do it anyway.
The smell of crisp air
surrounds me,
and the clouds play
hide and go seek
Hands linger
after fingers touch,
cheeks crimson
as lips brush
The cold stays
on warm summer days
without you
The time is coming,
the show is beginning,
the feelings you bring me don't sleep -
they creep.
After hearing Calum read it, I became more embarrassed by the words I had written. It meant very little, and I hoped he didn't think it was supposed to be about him; I couldn't think of anything to write a poem about other than mushy-gushy love stuff.
There was a prominent smile on Calum's face as he continued to silently read over the piece in his hands. I bit the insides of my cheeks as I waited for any comments, and I felt my palms become sweaty from nerves.
"This is beautiful," Calum told me, slowly taking his eyes off the paper to meet my own. "I expected nothing less."
"It's not very good, Calum. It was rushed and I just crammed a lot into something... there was no thought that went into it," I said, shaking my head at his words.
"I think it's really good," Calum told me, standing by his original statement. "My mind isn't changing." Calum sat the paper down on my bed and lifted one of the bowls of oatmeal, using the spoon to take a bite. I followed in suit and we both sat and ate, listening to the music at a soft volume.
Once breakfast was gone, Calum got up and placed the tray on the floor beside my bed so we could stretch out some more. I decided to lay down and, eventually, Calum allowed himself to lay beside of me.
"How are you feeling?" Calum asked after turning on his side so that he was facing me as we laid in my bed.
"Not fantastic... it's a good thing it's Thursday. My dad will be home Saturday, so he'll be able to take care of me before too long," I told Calum, making small talk as I turned on my side to look at him as well.
"I'm not a good stand-in?" Calum asked and I laughed quietly, but shook my head, which caused him to laugh, too. "I'm sorry about getting you sick."
"It's okay, really," I told Calum, not wanting him to worry about it. "I just hope the symptoms don't last for a really long time. I'm the kind of person that can get sick and then I'm sick for an extra two weeks."
"Don't tell me that," Calum whined, bringing his hands to his face. "I'm so sorry."
"Calum, it's okay," I told him, trying to laugh quietly but instead sending myself into a small coughing fit. "I promise it's fine, no matter how much I cough. I know it would be a huge coincidence, but it might not have been your fault at all. I get sick a lot, and it usually only stays around for a couple days. Sometimes I just don't get so lucky, and I stay sick for a long time, but only sometimes."
"Are you going to go to the doctor?" Calum asked, seeming worried as he took his lower lip in between his teeth.
"I guess I should," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I'll need medicine... or something. I'll probably just get Sam to take me tomorrow... I'll get my dad to make an appointment. But I don't want to think about going to the doctor."
"Fair enough," Calum said, seeming fine with ending the conversation.
"I want to make you a mix cd," I told Calum, having thought about it all morning long. "I already have a list of songs."
"Oh, really?" Calum asked, a tone of genuine happiness laced in his voice. "I would like that."
"Well, it's coming soon," I told him, smiling to myself as butterflies stirred in my stomach. Being so close to Calum made me nervous, but I was also comfortable with him. The feeling confused me, but I didn't mind it. "How was Ashton?" Calum's eyebrows furrowed at my words and I laughed quietly at his expression. "You went to see him last night, didn't you?"
"Oh... yeah, I guess I did," Calum said, as if he had forgotten. "He was good... I didn't stay very long."
"I see," I said, nodding my head slowly as I turned onto my back and looked up at my ceiling. My room had a high ceiling, and whenever I redid my room, I made a canopy from fabric and placed fairy lights on the inside to produce a comfier glow. It was my favorite part of the room, and I liked looking up at it.
"Maya, can I ask you something?" As Calum spoke, I took my eyes off the canopy and looked over at him. Instead of replying verbally, I simply nodded my head. "What do you expect of me?" My head tilted to the side as I looked at Calum, and I wondered what he meant.
"Expect of you?" I asked, not entirely sure what he was wanting to know.
"I know we're not a thing, we haven't been talking very long," Calum said, laughing quietly. "But... what are your expectations of me? I've messed up plenty in the past, so I want to know how to please you and make you happy. Just as friends... or more, it's up to you."
"Oh," I said, now understanding what he had meant. I had never thought of what expectations or standards I had mentally set, but I knew I had to have a couple, so I started to think. "Well, I expect you to respect me... and the decisions I make, or at least try to understand them if for some reason you're not in full support of them. I expect honesty from you because I'll always be honest with you. I expect you to be genuine, and if that means yelling at me once or twice because you're having a bad day, that's okay. I don't want you taking your anger out on me or anything, but I want to know how your day is going and if it's not going well, then don't feel the need to hide that. I like talking, and it's good to talk about how you're feeling... so I expect you to be in tune with your emotions. If you're thinking of this as more than just friends... I expect you to be knowledgeable of how I feel, but also knowledgeable of what I like. You don't have to treat me like I'm the most inexperienced bag of waste there is, I already know that... be gentle, but don't think touching me will cause me to break." By the end of my words, Calum's face had broken out into a wide smile. "I expect you to be a good guy."
"I think I can manage that," Calum told me, sure of himself.
"What do you expect of me?" I asked, sort of uncomfortable to ask the question. Expectations always scared me.
"Here's where the real jerk comes out," Calum said and I raised an eyebrow at him, but he only chuckled under his breath. "I don't have crazy expectations of you or anything, I just never know how to say these things right, and I'm scared they might get me in trouble. However, for you, I will try my best to successfully get my point across."
"Do you take constructive criticism well?" I joked, preparing him for what might come if I thought his expectations were unrealistic or unfair to me. He laughed quietly and began to tell me what he expected.
"Well, Jacobson, I expect that you be open with me. That's not very different from what you said; I just want to know how you're feeling, and I want to know how to read you if you're having a bad day. If for some reason you're a hypocrite and decide to hide a bad day from me, I want to know you well enough that I can pinpoint small things that you do or say that might as well be verbally telling me you're not happy. This might annoy you, but I kind of expect a lot of attention. I'm an attention seeker, and for some reason, I chose you to be the one person that I really want the attention of constantly. I like you, so I like when I have your attention... it makes me feel important." As Calum spoke, I couldn't help but to smile. He hadn't said anything that annoyed me yet. "I know you're an uber-feminist, which I completely support, and I understand that I've probably fueled many feminists' desire to hate men—"
"Calum, feminism is not about hating men," I said, feeling the smallest of fires starting within me. "It's just about equality... for all. I know Sam and I joke about how she hates guys all the time, but that's not because she's a feminist. Feminism is not some sort of hate group... some people just happen to call themselves feminists and they also happen to dislike men, a lot, but you can't hate the entire male population, that's impossible. I know like thirty guys, okay? I don't even remotely hate a fourth of them."
"Okay... noted," Calum said, nodding as I spoke. "Sorry."
"No, don't apologize... I was just getting that off my chest. I'm sorry."
"What? You can't be sorry, Maya," Calum said, laughing softly. "Thank you for correcting me."
"Then I'm sorry for interrupting... you can continue," I told Calum, smiling at him.
"I expect you to express yourself, so thank you for that. I want you to feel comfortable telling me your opinions as well as educating me on all sorts of things you're passionate about. With that being said, I'll get back to my feminism point. You're a feminist, I understand that, so I actually want to apologize in advance for any anti-feminist remarks I might make, or how traditional I might seem sometimes. I want to fully respect you, and I expect that from myself, but I'll be honest with you: I'm not always going to know what makes you feel disrespected. I might say something that I think is fine, but you might not like it, and I expect you to express your discomfort with anything I might say. If this becomes something deeper than just friends, I'm going to want to show you off, and I'm going to want to be some hero in your eyes because I'm just some guy who likes feeling good about himself. If I ever say something or do something to please myself, and you think it's obnoxious, tell me. I'm not promising to change every ounce of my being, but I'll work on myself if I'm happy with you, and if I really want to be with you, because you already mean a lot to me, so I can't imagine how I'll feel if this goes further.
"Lastly, I expect us to spend quality time together. Mostly to learn about each other, but I also expect us to both want and give each other freedom. You have your friends and I have my friends. There's no reason we can't befriend each other's friends, but I don't want you to feel obligated to love my friends and hang out with them all the time because I don't want myself to feel obligated to do that with your friends," Calum finished with his list of expectations, and I thought they seemed as fair as mine.
"Okay," I told him, nodding my head. "I don't have any issues with those expectations... yet," I said, causing Calum to smile.
"Okay," Calum replied, absentmindedly nodding his head like I had before.
"Can I say one more thing? It might offend you, but I just want to be completely honest with you... and after I say it, you can tell me how it makes you feel, or even argue with me about it." Calum gave me the 'okay' to continue, and I breathed in deeply as I looked over at him. "I expect you never to make me look like a complete fool, Calum. People know what you've done in the past... I know what you've done in the past, but I'm choosing to give you a chance. If you ever do something to make me look stupid, or to degrade me in any way, I seriously might order a hitman to get rid of you. I'm not here to be some toy, and I'm sure as hell not going to stand for any of your substantial mistakes. Mistakes are okay, but only on some levels, got it? I've never done something like this... and I'm talking about more than friends, obviously. This week has been really nice, and you've proven a lot of rumors wrong... but you know that scares me. You make me nervous for a multitude of reasons, and I'm not a fool... so please, don't make me one." I hadn't planned on it, but my eyes began to water as I spoke to Calum. I wanted to trust him, but my fears and anxieties were coming between my feelings for him. Calum's eyebrows turned and he looked at me with so much emotion that I couldn't imagine him hurting anyone. I couldn't fathom the boy lying beside of me ever making such awful decisions, but I knew he had practiced his fair share of stupidity in the past couple years.
Calum's hand found my cheek and he smiled sadly at me, an emotion that he somehow made look charming. Calum didn't respond for a long time, but I didn't mind. His thumb brushed some fallen strands of hair from my cheek, and then he slowly moved his hand down to my chin, placing his thumb in the center and softly gliding it across my skin.
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Maya. I don't want my mistakes to ever reflect badly on you, or affect you in any way. You deserve the best, and that's what I want to give you. I know you're scared to trust me... I get that, I haven't made it easy. But I want you to know I only have good intentions, and I'll be honest... that's not always been the case. You are not someone I want to mess around with, you're someone I want to be with. You're not a fool, and being with me will not make you one. I promise." My eyes switched back and forth to take in all of Calum's face, and the expression on his face entirely. Before I could think, Calum leaned forward until his lips were practically touching mine, and I enclosed the rest of the space. His fingers brushed back into my hair, and I placed my hand on his shoulder as he lifted his back from the mattress and towered over me slightly.
Kissing Calum sent a wave of tingles all throughout my body. I loved the taste of his lips, and I would be content with kissing him if it's all I ever did. Calum pulled away slowly, just to reconnect our lips shortly, consecutively until I began to laugh quietly.
"We're just going to get sicker," I told him, keeping my voice quiet as he kept his face close to mine. His shoulders shrugged and he pecked my lips one last time before pulling away fully. He laid back on my bed and I bit my lip as I looked over at him while he looked up at the ceiling. I scooted closer to him and placed my hand on his torso before laying my head my head on his chest. Calum looked at me with a smile and lifted his arm before wrapping it around me. My heart had started to pound, but in a good way. I felt nervous lying so close to Calum, but also content. "Do you remember that one birthday party of Noah's where he invited you guys as well as Sam and me?" Calum immediately let out a laugh, and I joined in.
"Of course I do," Calum said. "That was the weirdest shit ever," Calum said, most likely referring to what I was about to bring up.
"Who kissed me?" I asked, never looking up to meet Calum's eyes.
"We made a promise never to tell," Calum replied, seeming hesitant to talk about it.
"Calum, I don't think it matters anymore," I said, looking up at him as best as I could. "Michael almost told Sam that he kissed her."
"He told you?" Calum asked, surprised to hear that.
"No... I just meant that he almost told Sam who kissed her and it made it seem like he did, but you just told me that he did, so now the promise is already broken." I smiled at Calum sweetly and he laughed cheaply as he brought his left hand up to his face.
"Okay, fine... Michael kissed Sam," Calum said, speaking slowly as he prepared himself to tell me who I had kissed. "Maya... I didn't kiss you," Calum said, for some reason seeming sorry that he hadn't been my first kiss.
"Oh," I said, realizing I had really thought it had been him. I hadn't thought about it being anyone else and I scrunched my nose as I thought of my other options: Christian, Noah, Luke, and Andy Stoker. "Please don't tell me I've kissed Noah Fryer," I said distastefully.
"Do you still want me to tell you?" Calum asked and I sighed quietly, but nodded my head. "You've kissed Noah Fryer, My."
"Are you serious?" I asked, sitting up completely as I looked at Calum. "Why?"
"It was his birthday! Did you think he was gonna kiss Sam? He probably still thought Sam had cooties, they've never gotten along," Calum said and I crossed my arms firmly over my chest. "What, are you mad?"
"Are you telling me it wasn't randomly decided? I didn't go in a closet blind-folded to have some guys choose who was gonna kiss me. It was supposed to be chosen at random!" While I was completely serious, it was clear that Calum thought this entire situation was very funny.
"Look, Michael kissing Sam was totally random, and yours was too... at first. We used a bottle to choose us, and it landed on Luke, but then Noah got upset because it was his birthday and he thought he deserved to have his first kiss the most." As Calum explained, my inner-fourteen-year-old self only became more uncomfortable. "Was it a good kiss?" Calum asked, and I sighed, but I decided to be honest.
"Yeah, it was surprisingly good considering I had honestly prepared myself for you guys to be total jerks and make Noah's dog kiss me or something. Even if it hadn't been a dog, I expected it to be wet, which is gross, but I thought boys were gross." As I spoke, Calum's face broke out into a smile. "You are such a creep," I told him, hitting his shoulder softly.
"I'm kidding," Calum told me, and my eyebrows furrowed tightly. "Noah didn't kiss you."
"What?" I asked, now entirely confused. "Then who did?"
"Sam." My eyebrows relaxed and I looked at Calum with barely any emotion apparent on my face. Before I could say a word, he burst into laughter. "It wasn't Sam, I promise, but don't kill me; you just had such a murderous look on your face."
"Why are you messing with me so much?" I asked.
"Because I, along with five other boys, pinky-promised you never to tell who kissed you, so I'm never going to tell you," Calum told me, acting as though it was the most simple thing in the world.
"You're driving me insane," I told Calum, laying back down as my head began to pound.
"You know you like it."
a/n:
ahhh it's been a minute!!! sorry for not updating sooner!!! i've been a lil busy w some stuff, but i hope you guys still love me!!!
how are y'all feelin' about the story??? i personally love it, but i know i'm biased soooo
i'll focus on what y'all think
i love u all so much, but i gotta run !! if i don't update before school starts for some of u, i hope you all have great school years !!! if you've already started i am sO SORRY THAT'S AWFUL.... prayin 4 u
ok love u all. mmmbyebye
<3 jill