The room never seemed to give her completely what she needed. It had always been her sanctuary, a place for contemplation and solace, but whenever she sought out its fluffy pillows and quiet serenity she was looking to ease some sort of ache or capture some sort of freedom. She knew she would never find it, hiding up inside of an old attic. She knew, as a young woman, that hiding could not solve her problems even if she wasn't ready to face them.
"Theodora?" Her grandmother's voice grew louder as she ascended the staircase. "You have a visitor," she finished the last syllable as she reached the top, slightly out of breath. "These stairs are steep. No wonder I choose never to climb them."
Teddi turned toward the window, studying the view of Brookhurst, trying to keep her tears at bay. "If it's Calvin, you can just tell him to leave."
"Why may I ask?" Her grandmother sat beside her.
Teddi frowned, still staring at the trees dotting the town, some of them lightly sprinkled with buds and tiny leaves, most of them still haunting and bear in remembrance of winter and Teddi's foreboding heart. "He's leaving," she finally said. "He's leaving, and he wasn't even going to tell me. I had to force him to show me that letter." Tears stung her eyes.
"Did you give him a chance to do it on his own?"
Teddi whipped her head around to look pointedly at the old woman. "Why do you care? You never liked him." Teddi snorted. "You should be happy. He'll be out of my life once and for all. Maybe you can throw a party. Get Mrs. Chatfield to host."
"That's enough, Theodora."
"You tried your damnedest to keep us apart, and now..."
Mrs. Donovan heaved a weighted sigh. "I was wrong."
Teddi's nose screwed up. "What?" She blinked at her grandmother in disbelief.
"Anyone can see how much you need him. How much he needs you. Your grandfather knew it." At the mention of her grandfather, along with the reality of having to get through her days without either him or Calvin, tears began flowing freely down Teddi's cheeks as her grandmother went on, reaching out to hold Teddi's hand firmly in her old knotted palm. "Told me so the night before the church jamboree. Made me promise to be nice to the boy. I replied with my usually grumbling, but in the end, I knew he was right. I knew it, but I hated it. But when your grandfather died, I knew he would want you to be happy. I knew that he approved of your choice in love. And I knew he was no longer around to help you defend it. In accepting him, I accept his wishes. Do you understand, Theodora?"
"Yes." Teddi sniffled. "But... How can I let him go?"
"You'll have to."
"But he might not come back."
"That's a possibility."
"I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't come back."
"You'll move on."
Teddi shook her head, as if it, along with her denial and avoidance, would will the situation away. "I can't think about that. I can't think about him leaving. Please, just tell him to go away. I can't talk to him now. Please, grandmother."
"Very well."
*~*
She was filled with sorrow. She thought of her parents, her grandfather, and even her old dog Lula, willing their spirits to comfort her. Calvin. She couldn't take it if she lost him too. She'd lost so much so soon. She was not yet twenty years old and her heart had been jerked around, twisted, and stepped on. The only reason it had not gone completely hollow was because of Calvin. She loved him so much. She was so afraid of being apart from him again. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle it.
Looking to her window, colored in the dark black of the sleeping town, she saw gentle droplets of rain slipping down the glass. Her eyes drifted to her mother's paintings and glued themselves to the image of the lighthouse. A craving grew in Teddi's stomach, a craving to be some place she had not visited in a very long time.
So, she left the confines of the old warm attic, crept down the steps of the house softly, and bundled herself up for a long walk through the drizzling rain.
Her feet carried her to the place she first fell in love with him – down the streets of the town's center, over the hump of grass and down the small dirt path, straight to their old lighthouse. The rain had stopped but left her still damp. She found the bench where he first melted her heart with his words and his touch. She extracted a small handkerchief from her pocket and wiped off the water clinging to the seat and sat, sat there for hours.
Not long after the cool wind of the night made way for a quiet chill, as Teddi tucked her hands beneath her forearms to warm herself and her eyes began to droop, did she feel a gentle hand close over her shoulder. Startled, and now fully awake, she snapped her head up and gasped.
"You scared me, Calvin!" She laughed, swatting the tall man, who wore the same clothes she'd last seen him in, along the elbow.
"I guess we should consider ourselves even then." He sighed solemnly then gestured to the empty space beside her. "Is this seat taken?"
Teddi shook her head and moved an unnecessary inch over in more of a welcome than necessity for space. "I'm sorry I ran out like that. I'm sorry I said those things to you." She sighed. "I'm sorry I wouldn't see you."
Calvin gathered her hand in his and kissed her cool finger tips until they were warm.
A sob lifted into Teddi's throat. "I'm scared. I hate feeling this way. I know you don't have a choice. I know I'm being selfish, but--"
"Shh." He kissed her temple and gathered her close so that her head rested on his shoulder. "It's okay to be afraid." He chuckled. "Hell, I'm terrified."
"I guess I can't come with you this time."
Calvin studied the dark waters of the ocean, thinking how the torrent waters mirrored his life so very much at that moment. "I have something I want to give you," he whispered after a few moments.
"Is it what you wanted to give me at the restaurant?"
"Yeah. Actually, it's something I've wanted you to have for a long time. I just could never find the right time or the right moment or, hell I don't know why I didn't give it to you sooner. It's been yours since we were kids," he rambled on. "Actually, giving it to you here makes a lot of sense given our past."
Teddi frowned. "Calvin, I'm not following."
She felt him rustling through his deep coat pocket as her head still rested on his shoulder. "Here," he said swiftly, producing his palm flat before her, like he had all those years ago, with the very same precious ring, knotted in all its silver glory, sitting in the center of it.
Teddi immediately lifted her head and bounded to her feet, hand pressed against her heart as she stared down at the ring in disbelief. "Calvin! Where did you find it? I looked and looked and.... How long have you had it?"
"I found it that morning after the storm. At first, I figured if you lost it, you weren't supposed to have it just yet. Then after we found our way back, I thought that maybe I'd given it to you too soon before and so I waited for the right moment."
Teddi sunk back down on the bench beside him, clutching the wrist that held the ring but now looking into his eyes. "And right now is that moment?"
Calvin nodded. "It's supposed to bind us."
Teddi loosed her grip on his wrist, brushing her thumb over his pulse. "Put it on me this time."
She held out her hand, and he slid it on as if he were a nervous bridegroom, causing Teddi's heart to clench with the realization that a wedding might not ever be a part of their future. But her worried frown quickly melted into a large grin when she saw that the ring that had slipped from her finger all those years ago because it had not quite fit, snuggly hugged the circle of her finger with perfection.
Their lips touched softly. First with warm adoration, then with extreme longing, and finally their hungry mouths gave way to the passionate kisses of goodbye that would continue nearly every moment they were alone until the day he climbed upon the train to Rhode Island. They'd forgotten not to have their goodbye at the station, Teddi unwilling to leave his side until he stepped high onto the step of the maroon and gray train car. As a consequence, their goodbye of quiet tears, soft kisses and whispered promises was only a shadow of what it might have been.
He would write to her. She would wait for his leave. They would be apart much longer than either could bear to calculate. The threat of death and the reality of war loomed over their family, friends, the very soul of their lives. But they had no choice but to endure it and wait for the moment when they would meet again.
*~*
Every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon, after leaving the Observer at two o'clock, Teddi got down on her hands and knees and helped Mrs. Holliday with the victory garden their families shared between their two houses. It was something the government told them would help the soldiers. If the people at home farmed their own vegetables, the boys in the service would have more to eat. They were also cautioned to ration their food as the grocery stores prepared to stock less to sell.
Times were difficult, but the strain was different than it had been in the last few years of economic depression. People felt like they were working for a cause, and they were willing to make sacrifices. The biggest sacrifice of all, Teddi thought, was the relinquishing of their loved ones. The hole in her heart was deep because of that. So, she tried to keep herself busy. She began working on an old project of hers, a project she'd put aside when she became preoccupied with her new relationship with Calvin. There had been a moment when she considered renewing her work on it last summer, but then her grandfather died and she forgot all about. It really was a frivolous story to pursue in the scheme of things, but she'd always been intrigued by that old lighthouse and the couple who'd died there. Her mother had been too. The painting in the attic was proof of that.
Initially, Teddi thought a wonderful story about the truth behind the lighthouse deaths would pull her into the limelight at the Observer, but it wasn't needed. The war had given her space to step into once occupied positions. Her first feature article was written about a month ago. It was a front page story on the Ladies Guild, of which her grandmother and Mrs. Holliday were members, and their aid to the war effort. She'd cut out a clipping and sent it to Calvin as soon as it had come off the press.
She'd expected to be a lot happier about it than she had been. She expected things to be different.
"Well," Mrs. Holliday said, sitting up and pulling off a glove to wipe her forehead, "we've got plenty of tomatoes and beets. I think if we start a row of corn behind my house we should be in pretty good shape."
Teddi nodded half-heartedly. "Okay."
"Theodora, dear!" Winnie called from the Donovan kitchen porch. "There's a letter for you."
Teddi stood up and took a few anxious steps toward her house. "Who's it from?"
"Your gentleman friend."
Teddi turned back to Ben's mother with an impatient yet apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Holliday, but I have to--"
"It's okay, Teddi. I understand."
*~*
Teddi thrust through the kitchen door, garden gloves shed and left on the planks of the back porch. "Where is it?"
"Right there," Winnie said, pointing to a corner of the spotless kitchen counter.
When she opened it, she found the usual one-page letter along with some sort of drawing. She studied it closely, realizing it was not a drawing but a map. Her brow furrowed. Why would Calvin leave a map for her? There was a small note scratched along the top of it that answered her question.
I want to show you something. It's been a long time coming. If you haven't already done it, read my letter once you get there.
Teddi's heart leapt. What could he possibly need to show her? And why did he want her to read the letter in public. Of course, the place could be secluded. If that was the case, she should either wait until morning or leave right away, while she had a few hours of sunlight left.
"Winnie, tell my grandmother I'm going out for a little while."
*~*~*
The map took her down the row of Victorian houses on her street to a small junction just before Main Street. She continued down a very small grass hugged path until she reached the edge of the woods. The sun was still bright at the late afternoon hour for some reason she felt monumentally safe following its brightness between the trees. Her shoes snapped twigs and squished mud but it didn't take her long to discover what she was looking for. It was the tree that could be seen above all others from her window in the attic, the one that captured her eye on so many occasions, with its billowing canopy that hung over all the rest. She stepped toward its massive trunk, marveling at its size and beauty. Why had Calvin sent her here? She pulled the letter from her pocket. What did this old tree mean to him?
Dear Teddi,
If you followed my map, you should be standing in front of an old friend of mine. Wipe the frown off of your face, love. I haven't sent any strangers out there to meet you. I just wanted to show you the place I found our ring, your ring. Well, I hope you aren't mad at me. It wasn't a part of my family's treasury. No one gave it to me. I just found it and kept it. I wasn't more than twelve years old at the time, and it seemed to sort of call to me that day. Old Leo, he always, sort of protected me and I thought of it as sort of a gift from him. Old Leo, it's what I used to call the tree.
It was sort of my sanctuary as a kid, when I needed to get away from the orphanage and clear my head. Well, I just wanted you to see it. I know it doesn't mean much to you, but it did to me at one point. I thought that maybe you knowing that and your being there while you read my letter, we'd be a little closer. I'm sure I'm not making any sense. The impulse to send you there came on a whim, really. I was looking out of the grimy windows we have here toward the trees, remembering and well, I hope you don't hate me for making you trudge through the woods. Listen to me. You're probably standing in middle of the living room rolling your eyes and laughing at my even suggesting it. Pretty little Miss Donovan getting her feet dirty, what was I thinking? Don't tell your grandmother. She's liable to write to my CO and have me court marshaled, not that he hasn't already fallen for my charm.
All kidding aside, Teddi, I really hope you and your grandmother are still getting along. I thought things were better between the two of you, but wasn't so sure after reading your last letter. Please let me know what's on your mind. Don't hold back because you don't want to burden me. You could never be that to me even if you tried.
Anyhow, I meant to send this letter off a few days ago, but they decided to move me again. You may have noticed by the post-mark already that I'm on base in New York now. I have a feeling I'll be here until they ship me out. I still don't know where they'll send me, and I hate that I still can't get a furlough long enough to come and see you. I miss you so much. Hell, I even miss Brookhurst, if you can believe that. I miss a lot of things.
I met this guy named Carl yesterday. He saw me looking at your picture and asked who the broad was. You can imagine my reaction. No one calls my girl a broad. Well, luckily, he learned quickly to keep his mouth shut when it comes to you, and I think we might become pretty good buddies.
I am hoping we get to see each other before I am assigned out of the country. There should be something coming up soon. I'm not sure. I better let you go. Remember, that I love you. And don't forget to write back.
Yours always,
Calvin
PS I know you've always wanted to find out what happened that night with our parents, and I've always told you to let it go. If you need to know for whatever reason, I support you. Just be careful, and remember no matter what you find out, I love you and everything is going to be all right.
There had been little ease in the labryinth of their relationship but there had been love. But he was afraid, just as much as she was. She could feel it as if it had been mandated to reside under every one of his words.
Breathe, she had to remember to just breathe. She folded the letter and brought it to her chest, hoping that Calvin would remember to breathe, too.