read the note at the end please! thank you :)
FRIDAY
Two days flew by and before I knew it, it was performance day in music class.
The girls from class had decided that we all needed to wear jean shorts and tank tops. I had to borrow shorts and a belt from Dani but I had a few tank tops Zoey had given me, I was wearing a red one that was way too low cut and tight for my liking.
I didn’t wear this outfit to school though, that was way too much exposure. I changed into it between lunch and music.
Liz hadn’t said or done anything to me, thankfully. I was able to do my part and learn the choreography in peace.
When I walked back into the classroom, almost everyone was there. Nearly everyone stared at me as I walked in. I folded my arms over my stomach and tried not to look at anyone.
I already wanted to run out of the room crying, how the hell was I expected to sing and dance? The thought made me nauseous
“You look so pretty!” Natalie grinned at me when I sat next to her.
“Thanks.” I mumbled quietly.
“I think all the guys are staring at you.” She giggled.
I sighed and tried not to look around me. I didn’t want to see their faces, I didn’t want to even think about them.
“I’m going to let you all take half of the period for practice and touch ups. Then during the second half, you will perform and receive comments from myself and the group that isn’t performing.”
“At least we know he’s not performing with them.” Natalie said to me as the guys all went into the hallway.
We ran through everything five times with no issues, we were ready by the time the guys came back in.
“Ladies get the floor first.” Will called.
“We will be performing Stronger by Kelly Clarkson.” Michelle said before the music started.
Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
The entire performance went really well including my solo. I think it was good that I had one towards the end of the song because by the time I sung, I was able to ignore the people watching my every move.
I had worried a bit that I wouldn’t be able to get past people staring and that would mess me up but I didn’t do too bad.
The guys sung “Hey Jude” by The Beatles. I thought it was boring and unoriginal.
When the bell rung, I relaxed slightly. I didn’t like that a couple of people had still been staring at me. I hid behind my hair as they left the room, praying that no one would be brave enough to talk to me.
“Hiding from me, beauty?” Will asked as he shut the door, there was a hint of amusement in his voice.
“Not you, just everyone else.” I replied, brushing my hair back into place.
He nodded. “I didn’t like the way some guys were staring at you.”
“Neither did I.” I told him. “I feel so exposed, I hate it.”
“Come here.” He said, going into his office. He sat on his chair and pulled me into his lap. “No one is used to seeing you wear something like this so they stare because it’s different. Its like seeing a different part of you.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.” I muttered, snuggling into his chest. It was so cold without a sweatshirt on.
“I’m proud of you for actually performing so well despite how self conscious you must have felt.” He said.
“Thank you.” I mumbled.
We were silent and my mind began to wander towards tomorrow.
Tomorrow, the girls and I move in with Bethany and David. Then I would have to drive to a diner half an hour away with Bethany, David and Zoey to try to talk to my mother about guardianship.
I wonder what my moms mood will be like, that would effect her decisions. Would she want to cause me pain? Would she want what is best for her kids? Would she even care?
She used to be more stable but now her mood could change in an instant. She could be playing with Lily one second and locking herself in her room just a few minutes later.
“What are you thinking about?” Will asked me.
“My mom.” I answered.
“Are you sure I shouldn’t come tomorrow?” he was worried about it as well but I knew having him there would cause more harm then good.
“I’m sure.” I replied.
He sighed but didn’t push it any further. “The bell’s about to ring.”
“Shit, I have to walk through the halls like this.” I got up and the bell rung.
“I can go out behind you and save you if anyone talks to you.” He offered as I grabbed my bag.
“Thank you.” I smiled gratefully.
“Any time, angel.”
I walked through the hall quickly. I tried to ignore those who stared at me. Just get to the locker room, I told myself.
I sighed in relief when I got there. Girls were too busy changing or re-applying makeup to notice me.
Dani grinned when she saw me. “I like it.”
“I don’t.” I replied.
“Of course you don’t.” she teased.
Gym class passed surprisingly quickly along with the rest of the day. I had to help Sky and Lily pack up what little stuff they had. Soon enough it was time for bed.
Will turned off the lights and came to bed with me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him.
I couldn’t relax, I knew there was no way I would be falling asleep any time soon. Too many thoughts ran through my mind.
What if my mom refused to go to court? What if she didn’t even show up? Could I see her without some form of confrontation?
I didn’t think she’d be terribly rude to David, Bethany and Zoey but I knew she might be towards me. She had said everything was my fault and I expected her to remind me of that. Everything depended on her mood.
What if she refused? What would we do? What would happen to us?
Will started rubbing my back gently. His warm fingers leaving trails of heat through my shirt.
“Relax.” He whispered in my ear.
“Sorry.” I mumbled.
“Don’t be.”
He rubbed my back until I fell asleep.
After we ate breakfast the next morning, the four of us got into the Jeep with our bags and went over to David and Bethany’s.
“Hello girls,” Bethany smiled warmly at us. “Why don’t you go put your bags in your rooms?”
“Bethany got a bit excited and did some decorating for your rooms.” David chuckled.
“Thank you both.” I said to them.
“Our pleasure.” Bethany replied. “Xavier and Zoey are upstairs waiting for you guys.”
They stayed downstairs while Will led the way upstairs.
Zoey and Xavier were sitting in his room on the bed. They stood up when they saw us.
“Hey.” Zoey grinned. She looked at Lily. “Want to see your room first?”
“Yes!” Lily exclaimed, jumping up and down.
Lily’s room was a light pink color with beige carpet floors. She had a big bed adjacent the door with lots of pillows. There were white dressers, a bookshelf and a desk.
“This is awesome!” Lily exclaimed, setting her stuff on the bed.
“Glad you like it, we’re going to see Sky’s room but you can stay here if you want.” Zoey told her as she looked at the books already on the bookshelf.
“Thank you.” She called over her shoulder.
We walked across the hall to Sky’s room.
Her room was very similar to Xavier’s because all of her furniture was pushed to one side. She had a bed with a patch work quilt, a big desk, a dresser and a filled up bookshelf. Her desk had a fancy sketch pad and some drawing pencils. The opposite side had a tarp on the floor with a bunch of unopened buckets of paint and a lot of brushes.
On the wall, I saw something already painted on the top. In many colors someone, I assumed Xavier, had wrote Welcome Home, Sky!
They had put a lot of effort into Sky’s room. Bethany probably wanted her to feel like this was her home.
“What do you think?” Xavier asked her.
“It’s perfect.” Sky smiled, turning to Xavier. She gave him a hug.
I felt myself relax slightly, they were both happy. I was a bit nervous about Sky hating everything but she seemed okay.
Will casually wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me close to him. When I looked up at him, he was smiling at me and I easily returned it.
“Sky, if you want to unpack, we’re showing Rainah her room.” Zoey told her.
“Alright.” Sky answered, she smiled at me.
We left her in her room and went into another room.
The walls were a rich purple color and there were hardwood floors. It had dark brown wooden dressers, a large desk and bookshelves. One shelf had a fancy looking stereo and another had some books. The bed was huge and it had a black comforter with white polka dots.
There were two doors, one was a closet and the other was a large bathroom.
“Wow,” I said, my fingers traced the comforter on the bed.
“Well, we wanted to give you three a place to call home where you are safe. You can make yourself your first priority.” Bethany had come upstairs and was standing in the doorway next to Zoey. “Of course material items aren’t going to make you see that but you will have your own space.”
“Thank you,” I hugged her and turned to Zoey and Xavier. “You two as well.”
“I did talk to David about you staying with Will sometimes.” She added. “We agreed on Friday and Saturday nights.”
My stomach dropped but I kept my facial expression unchanged. That meant five nights a week, I wouldn’t get much sleep, I’d have night terrors and I might cut more then I already do.
“What? Mom, we can’t-“ Will started to protest and grabbed my hand. Bethany cut him off.
“Will, she is only 17 and in high school. Despite her maturity, I cant just let her live with her boyfriend.” She spoke to him matter of factly.
He wanted to say more but I squeezed his hand tightly. I didn’t want to cause more problems then I already was. I would manage, somehow.
I caught glimpse of Xavier. He was looking at me with a worried expression.
“We understand.” I said.
“Good.” She nodded. “Zoey, why don’t you come help me figure out lunch?”
She and Zoey left the room and Xavier followed. I think he wanted to give Will and I a little bit of time.
I sighed and sat on the bed, I felt him sit next to m.
“Neither of us will get any sleep.” He muttered.
“You should get more sleep because you always wake up with me.” I reminded him lightly.
“I’ve gotten used to that as well as being able to hold you.” He replied. “Besides, I’d be worried.”
“Let’s just try it for a week and see how it goes.” I suggested.
“If you say so.”
We got up and went to find the girls but they weren’t in their rooms. We figured they had gone downstairs.
Downstairs, everyone was in the kitchen talking and making sandwiches for lunch. It was 12:33 so David, Bethany, Zoey and I were leaving in an hour.
I grabbed a plate and some bread and started serving myself.
“Rainah, why don’t you eat with us so we can discuss the plan?” David asked me as everyone else started going downstairs.
“Right.” I nodded. Will came with us into the living room.
“So how do you think we should approach this?” Bethany asked me.
“It really depends on her mood. My mother is unstable and has many different sides, her mood can change in seconds.” I started. “She will most definitely be throwing insults at me but she is extremely defensive about everything.”
“Is there anything we can do to keep her mood stable?” David asked me after I ate a bit.
“Don’t bring up my father or brother.” I replied. “If she brings them up, I’ll handle it. I should probably do most of the talking when she gets angry or upset.”
They agreed to that. I felt like we were going to be maneuvering through a mine field, one wrong step and everything explodes.
When it was time to go, it was pouring rain. Will walked me to the door of their fancy black Volvo. He had an umbrella to keep us from getting drenched.
“Text me, okay? I’ll be waiting for you.” He said, pecking my lips.
“Alright.” I nodded, getting into the car.
The drive was pretty quiet. Bethany had turned on some oldies station and was humming along to songs she knew. David would hum a bit here and there.
Zoey and I both stared out our windows. The rain made everything blurry and unclear as it pounded on the car and the highway.
All too soon, we pulled into the parking lot of the diner. I suppressed a sigh when David turned off the car.
Bethany and Zoey shared an umbrella and so did David and I. we all walked into the old diner where I instantly spotted my mom.
Her red frizzy hair was straightened, she wore black framed reading glasses over her green eyes that were so much dimmer then Lily’s. She wore a blue floral print dress shirt and slacks. She was reading a newspaper and hadn’t seen us yet.
It was obvious to me that she was trying to look smart and professional. She never wore glasses for reading and she had never read a newspaper before. She wanted to impress David and Bethany.
“Mom?” I said as I approached the table with the others behind me.
“Oh, Rainah.” She faked a smile, her eyes were cold. She stood up and hugged me. It took everything I had to not push her away but I couldn’t bring myself to hug her back.
“Hello, Ms. Carson.” Bethany said. “I’m Bethany Haynes, this is my husband David and my daughter Zoey.”
“You can call me Valerie, it’s a pleasure to meet you all.” She gestured for us to take a seat. Bethany sat across from my mother with David next to her and Zoey next to him. I had to sit next to my mother in a booth. “So what do you two do for a living?”
“I am an interior designer and David is a surgeon.” Bethany replied.
“Gold digging, Rainah?” she chuckled, I could tell she was only half joking.
“Not at all.” I said smoothly.
I saw her eye twitch like it did when she was irritated but she let it go. “Do you have any other children?”
“Yes, we have two sons.” David answered.
“Oh, how old?” my mom persisted.
“One is twenty three and another is eighteen.”
My mother laughed and turned to me. “Are you dating one of them?”
“No.” I lied easily. There was no way I was getting into that.
“Have you been trying to seduce them? Is that why these people want you?” she was just trying to get me mad, I could tell.
“I’m focusing on my studies as of now. I met them through Zoey at the library.” I tried to keep my irritation from leaking into my tone.
“I doubt you are only focusing on school.” She stared at me. “Tell me, do you dream about those men or do you still dream about how you got your brother murdered?”
“Ms. Carson.” David intervened quickly before I snapped. “I think it’s time we discussed why we are here. We would like to get guardianship of Sky, Lily and Rainah because we would like to give them a new start.”
“A new start isn’t going to help them.” She laughed bitterly. “They are all damaged, I don’t see why you want them.”
“We would like to help them and give them a chance.” Bethany said, her eyes narrowed slightly.
“It’s a lost cause but if you want to deal with them then fine.” She shrugged. “I don’t know how we will get through court unnoticed. Do you remember what your father said a week after it happened?”
I took a breath as the memory hit me.
One week after Ash’s death, my father came home sober.
“Girls, get down here now.” He demanded. I had been hiding in my room for the entire week. I wasn’t hiding from my dad, I was crying and cutting.
“Make me.” I yelled back, at that point I hadn’t cared if I lived or died. I hadn’t yet realized my responsibility to the girls.
I heard him running up the stairs but I wasn’t afraid, I wanted to feel pain, I deserved death.
He ran into my room and lifted me by my hair, he held me off the ground and slapped me.
“Watch yourself, learn from the shit you’ve done.” He growled. He dropped me but then grabbed my arm and dragged me down the hall. I heard something pop in my shoulder. “Now you will walk down the fucking stairs or I will push you.”
I walked down, holding my shoulder which had been dislocated. I sat on the couch with Sky and my mother who held Lily on her lap.
“Now, none of you will say a word about this to anyone or I will kill all of you. Ash killed himself, is that clear?”
I forced the memory away and answered my mom. “I do remember and we are not bringing him or Ash up at all. We are going to say you are unstable, then we can avoid all issues and you can be done with us for good.”
She thought about it for a second. “Fine, when are we doing this?”
“I can try to schedule something for a few weeks from now.” Bethany said.
“Alright, Rainah can call me and tell me when.” She nodded.
Everyone got up and, of course, my mother had to give me one more insult. She wanted to have the last word.
“Rainah, you look bigger. Have you been putting on weight?” she said, looking at me with fake innocence.
“Goodbye.” I said coldly and walked past her. I was ready to never see her again, I wished things were different.
I ran out into the rain and leaned against the car door. I was drenched in seconds.
Bethany, David and Zoey hurried out after me. David unlocked the car quickly when he noticed I was soaked.
They were silent until we pulled out of the parking lot.
“You were right, Rainah.” David said. “Will shouldn’t have come. He would’ve been yelling at her.”
“I wanted to yell at her! The nerve of that woman!” Bethany huffed.
“I’m sorry.” I said, shivering.
“It’s not your fault at all.” Bethany said. “If anything I am more determined to get guardianship.”
Zoey took my hand and squeezed. “You handled it well considering how horrible she was.”
I nodded. It wasn’t an option to yell at her if I wanted this to work.
I stared out the window reflecting on things my mother had said.
I wasn’t a gold digger. I wasn’t taking advantage of their money. I’m not a slut. I might be a murderer but no way am I a slut.
I wanted to cry and run to the shower so I could cut. But I wasn’t going to cry or cut. Not her, not now. I could wait.
We pulled into the driveway and got out of the car.
“Do you want an umbrella this time?” David asked me, his voice was concerned. When I looked at him, there was no pity in his eyes, just worry. Is that how a father is supposed to look at his daughter?
I tried to swallow the large lump in my throat. “No, I’m okay.”
I walked behind the three of them, going slowly and at my own pace. I didn’t care that I was soaked, I didn’t care that my teeth were chattering.
I heard someone jogging, I looked up and saw Will coming towards me.
He wrapped his strong arms around me, holding me to him. He was so warm.
“You’re going to get sick out here.” He muttered. I was shaking from holding in sobs and the cold. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me into the house. “Come on, beauty.”
We went upstairs and he led me to my room.
“Why don’t you go take a shower to warm up a bit?” he suggested.
I nodded and went into my bathroom. I took of my wet clothes and just put them on the floor, I’d hang them up later.
I got in the shower and just stood under the hot water for a while.
I looked down at my stomach, it looked as fat as it has in the past.
My mind kept flashing to David’s face. My father had never looked at me that way, he would have never shared an umbrella with me.
As for my mother, she used to. But now I am trash to her, just someone else’s problem.
To both of my parents I am trash.
I am worthless.
I didn’t realize I was sobbing until I heard knocking on the door but I couldn’t stop.
“Rainah, please let me in. please.” He pleaded. When I didn’t say anything he slowly opened the door. I turned around, hiding my body. I hadn’t cut yet but I didn’t want him to see me naked yet.
“Please go.” I got out.
“My eyes are closed, I’m not leaving.”
When I looked over my shoulder, I saw his eyes were closed. He knew I wasn’t ready for him to see me.
I turned off the water and wrapped a huge towel around me under my arms. The sobs had quieted for now into just tears, sniffles and hiccups.
“You’re good.” I muttered, stepping out of the shower.
He opened his eyes. “You could’ve told me you were that upset. I want to help.”
“There is no way to help, I’m a lost cause, I’m damaged.” I repeated my moms words.
“Why would you say that?” he asked, cupping my cheek.
“Because it’s true.”
“It’s what your mom wants you to think.” He said, dropping his hand.
“Don’t you get it?” I asked. “I am nothing, I am worthless. I shouldn’t mean anything to anyone.”
“Well you mean a hell of a lot to me.” He said, frustrated. “This is what you get from one conversation with your mom?”
“No, this is what I get from my whole fucking life. I am trash.” I broke down again, this time I just fell onto my knees.
He sighed and picked me up. He set me on the bed and grabbed me a t shirt, shorts and underwear from a bag I brought.
“Get dressed so I can hold you when you’re wearing more than just a towel.” He smiled sadly.
I tried to return it before he turned around.
Once I was dressed, I grabbed his arm. I was still crying, just not as loudly.
He sat on the bed and pulled me into his lap, my head rested on his shoulder. We just sat there for a while.
“Why do you bother trying to help me? I will never be perfectly happy.” I asked him.
“I want you to be happy sometimes. I want you to smile more, to laugh. No one is perfect, everyone had bad times but its getting past them.” He replied.
I nodded. I guess I understood where he was coming from it is just hard to picture myself like that.
“How bad was your mom?” he asked.
“She was as expected. She basically called me a gold digger, a slut, a murderer and fat.”
His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed but I could tell it wasn’t aimed at me. It only lasted a few seconds before he looked back at me.
“Do you really think you are worthless?”
I bit my lip and thought about my answer carefully. “Sometimes, I do. I know I am worthless to my parents. But being with you makes me feel like I am special.”
He gave me a small smile. “Next to my family, you are my everything.”
“I-“ I started but I couldn’t bring myself to say those three words. Was it too soon? What if he didn’t feel the same?
“What?” he asked curiously.
“Nothing.”
He let it go and we decided to go join everyone downstairs for dinner. I was staying here tonight to be with the girls as they adjust. Will would leave later tonight.
i think i did pretty well on this one, what did you think?
sooo going on vacation in 1 week, i'll try to get one or two more uploads before i go. i will still be writing on vacation and i might post something short but not sure.
im having ideas about spin offs. i doubt i'll do a squel but i do think it would be interesting to see Sky and Lily's atories, what do you all think?
so yup, long chapter, hope you liked it. please vote and comment! thanks for reading!