Berkeley, California
Jan. 3rd 1991
***
The sounds of birds chirping and cars driving past streets was heard outside my window. The sunlight peeked through my bedroom window as I remained motionless in bed reminiscing the moment that had changed my life forever.
***
Christmas Day
Boston, 1990
***
"Anne, I think I'm pregnant." I choked out over the toilet and clenched my stomach. The burning sensation it created made me want to die.
"H-how is that possible? I thought you made it clear to Jordan to always use protection..." Her voice slowly trailed off, staring at me with a worried expression. "Oh no, Steph. Don't tell me that night in Providence, he didn't?" Anne cut herself off, as I gave her a simple nod in response.
Tears formed within my eyes, mainly due to the pain of sickness inside my stomach, but also because of the fear of everyone knowing I was possibly pregnant.
"Ssh, it's going to be okay, Steph. I'll help you get through this, I promise. Maybe, you're not pregnant, though. I'll go to the nearest drug store to buy a test just so we can be sure." Anne suddenly got up from the floor and rushed towards the door before freezing in place.
"I don't suppose anything is opened on Christmas, huh?" She looked at me, biting her lower lip as she placed her hand over her face in realization.
"No, but I always kept one as a precaution. You'll find it in the Kotex box under the bathroom sink." I spoke out in between breathes. Anne immediately crouched in front of the bathroom cabinet and after a few seconds of rummaging through the box of feminine pads, she found the test.
***
Anne had left the bathroom to give me some privacy, but not before handing me a glass of water and at the same time trying to avoid my parents with the fear of telling them what's wrong with their daughter.
Soon the seconds turned into minutes and the timer set up for four minutes had gone off, causing me to jump from my seat inside the dry bathtub.
Part of me hesitated a bit as I climbed out of the tub and turned off the timer before glancing at the used test resting on the bathroom countertop.
I was in fact pregnant.
***
I slowly opened the bathroom door, finding Anne standing in the hallway nervous as hell.
"So, are you..." Before she could finish her question, I cut her off.
"Yes." I showed her the test, revealing the blue positive sign in the small window. Tears reappeared from my eyes as Anne instinctively wrapped me in her arms for comfort.
It's scary to think that after one night having unprotected sex could lead to a drastic change in one's life.
"How are you going to tell Jordan?" Anne's voice caused a dead weight to sink inside me.
Hundreds, if not thousands of questions and scenarios flooded my head that I couldn't think of an answer.
"I-I don't know. I can't walk up to him and say, "Merry Christmas Jordan! Guess what? I'm pregnant!" I let out unenthusiastic, placing my hands over my face in frustration.
"I'll have to tell him some point today, alone." I responded to her soon after, hoping everything will be alright.
That moment never came.
***
Berkeley, California
Jan. 3rd, 1991
***
The commotion outside my bedroom window became muted, as I tried to ground myself back to the present. Although, it's a bit difficult when there's a tiny seed inside of me that will soon grow into a child after nine whole months.
The moment I learned I was pregnant, I knew I needed to tell the closest people to my heart:
My parents.
Yes, it was terrifying to bring it up to them. Growing up, they did everything they could to get me off the streets and not get pregnant at such a young age. They had set high expectations for me and for the most part, I lived up to them. Except, now I felt like I let them down, getting pregnant out of wedlock.
So far, this sounded like an soap opera, but it was real and I didn't know how my parents will react to the sudden news.
***
Christmas Day
Boston, 1990
***
"I can't do this..." I whispered out, trying to turn around and run to my room. Anne grabbed me in time and held my arms down to my side.
"Steph, you can do this! I'll be with you the entire time." She reassured me, as I took in a few deep breathes to steady my brewing anxiety.
"Okay."
The two of us walked into the kitchen, where both of my parents were at the table eating breakfast.
"Merry Christmas, Anne. Merry Christmas, sweetie." They both answered, embracing us with warm hugs.
All I could think about is how their happiness is going to tumble downhill.
"Um...mom, dad? There's something I need to tell you both. It's re-really important." I began to speak, avoiding their eye contact as I could already feel them judging me.
"Sure, sweetheart. What is it?" Dad let out, his grin subsiding as I took a seat at the table and Anne joined me at my side like she promised.
"First, you both need to know that I never intended to let this happened. Second, it was purely done in the heat of the moment and it was consensual..." I continued. They knew I was sexually active with Jordan. I mean, I did spend most of my summer nights in the same room with him.
By now, the streams of tears filled my eyes, staining my face as Anne took hold of my hand and cried with me.
"Mom, dad....I-I'm pregnant." The words rolled off my tongue. The second they heard my statement, their faces were stricken with surprise.
***
Berkeley, California
Jan. 3rd, 1991
***
When I told them, I really felt it was the end of the world for me, but my parents were very understanding after the shock factor wore off.
They expressed happiness from my announcement, but we also had a mid-morning discussion about several topics regarding my pregnancy and my future.
After a lengthy discussion, I made the final choice to keep the baby, but it also meant I would be putting my education on hold for a while. The decision was tough, but I rather put my full attention on this child at this moment.
Now, the only problem was to tell Jordan, who had no idea I was carrying his baby. The plan was to tell him at his family's Christmas Party, though the idea seemed clear on paper, it was much harder to put in action.
***
Knight's Christmas Party
Christmas, 1990
***
"Jordan, I need to tell you something..." I gained up the courage to tell him.
The festive music inside the Knight Estate became loud and hard to speak over as I wasn't one to raise my voice.
"Sure, baby. Let's go somewhere quiet so we can be alone..." He looked down at me with a handsome smirk. The kind that's so easily to get lost in, but I couldn't let myself forget about what's more important at this moment.
As Jordan took my hand and guided me through the maze-like estate, he was soon distracted by his family members wanting to talk to him. I, of course, let him and dreaded the moment of truth that we were having a baby.
Throughout most of the party, I've made many attempts to try to talk to Jordan, but we could never get a single moment alone.
"How am I going to tell him?" I spoke to myself, rubbing my forehead lightly as the early pregnancy migraine crawled back into my head.
"Tell who what, sweetie?" I froze in place, hearing the voice of Marlene from behind.
"I have to tell Jordan something really important, but whenever I get a moment with him, he's always dragged away from me." I told her, playing with a gingerbread cookie from my plate of barley eaten food.
Truth was, the food I'd loved every year had now made me ill due to my early trimester of side effects.
"Well, I'm sure the two of you will get a moment alone and you'll be able to tell him. Stephanie, are you feeling okay? You've barely eaten anything and you love my cooking." Marlene let out, looking at me with concern.
"Hmm? Oh! Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit ill that's all. I think I might be getting sick." I told her, hoping she didn't know I was pregnant.
"Stephanie, honey, are you pregnant?" She asked me, knowing she was right. She must have noticed the small things I've done that indicated I might be expecting, plus the fact she's a mother, she had that intuition.
"Yes. Yes, I am." I revealed to her.
"Oh, my god. Stephanie, this is exciting!" She happily let out, embracing me tightly around the shoulders. "Is this what you've been wanting to tell my son?" I quickly nodded my head in response, answering with words soon after.
"I've been trying to tell Jordan, but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. To be honest, I don't even know if I should." I softly mumbled out the last sentence, feeling unsure if he should know about this.
Marlene looked at me quizzically. I know it sounded stupid, but I started to tell her how if word of this got out to the public, the media will rage up a storm. It could negatively affect the band's image amongst their fans and even possibly ruin their careers.
Now, I know I was overthinking about it. Marlene gave me reassurance that Jordan will be happy to hear the good news, but I still wasn't sure. It didn't really matter though, as I never did got that moment to tell him that night.
***
Berkeley, California
Jan. 3rd, 1991
***
I rolled over on my bed, staring up at the white ceiling and exhaling a deep breath.
Before Anne and I had made the trip back to the west coast, my mom made sure to set up an appointment with her OBGYN to check on my pregnancy. For the next nine months, I'll be seeing the doctor for keeping track on my health and the baby's.
The more I thought about the baby, the more I thought about Jordan.
'What if he really doesn't want the child?'
'What if he asks for an abortion?'
'What if he leaves you?'
These questions repeated inside my mind, not sure what he'll do or say when he learns the truth.
"I just don't know what to do..."