Chapter Eighty
Dani
Eli's asleep. I'm watching him as he sleeps. That sounds creepy, right? I assure you it's not like that. After that whole confession conversation thing or whatever the heck that was, my mind is reeling. I can't believe all of that just happened. He pretty much told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, despite my messed up self. How do I process that? I hear my poppa's voice again, “See, I told you he loves you. You just need to admit you love him too.”
I don't even know how to love. The only love I've ever known was my parents' love and that's completely different. I know Eli makes it better. He makes me feel different. If I could be happy, I would say he makes me happy, but that's not really an emotion I know too much about.
I've tried to sleep, but I can't. I'm left confused and worried, but my windows of lucidity are becoming smaller. The drugs are fully out of my system now and I fear that I'm going to hurt him beyond repair. I'll freely admit that I'm a disgusting, vile person during withdrawal. Maybe that's my real self coming through, I don't know. What I do know, is that I really don't want to hurt the man that's in front of me. I may not trust him completely and I may not be one hundred percent comfortable with him, but I don't want to hurt him. He's been good to me and he's given me hope, something I have longed for. I lost hope for a long time and that's something you can't really live without, not for any great length of time. Eli has shown me that I can hope for something more; something better. I will never be like everyone else, but he's shown me that's not necessarily a bad thing.
The pain hits me again and the shivers are back. I panic because of the feelings that are coursing through me. Everything is too much. The unknown emotions, the physical pain and the desperate need for some form of drug.
Eli's groggy voice filters through everything, “Dani? What's wrong?”
Even as the words leave my mouth, I know they're not mine. “Go away!”
He snaps up and out of the bed like I've just burnt him.
“Whoa baby, what did I do?”
I hiss, “What did you do?! You're just like everyone else! You're all the same!”
“What? How?”
“You're all the same!”
Eli
What the heck?! Dani's little outburst is leaving me confused, until she lets out a string of curse words in Russian. That's when it hits me what's going on. Man, the change has been fast. Her body must have burned through those drugs quickly. She's definitely not herself right now.
I approach her slowly and talk in my negotiating voice. “Dani, it's Eli. Can you hear me? I know you're hurting and I know you're scared, but I need you to listen to me...”
“Go away.”
“I can't do that. I told you I'm not leaving just because it's got a little tough...”
“Tough?! Really?!”
She hisses in pain again. This is pretty awful to watch. I can see the sweat rolling off her, even though she's shivering. The curses that leave her mouth would give a sailor a run for his money. It's so far from the Dani I know that I'm momentarily stunned. When I come to my senses, Dani is actually trying to get out of the bed.
“Dani, you need to stay in the bed, sweetheart. You're going to hurt yourself...”
“You touch me and I'll chop your fingers off!”
Dude, she means it. The fire in her eyes and the venom in her voice tell me that she means what she's saying right now. I know it's not the normal Dani speaking, but this person will hurt me if I try to touch her. I back up with my hands raised, to let her know I mean her no harm.
“Ok, ok. I won't touch you. If you promise to stay in the bed then I won't touch you.”
She stops moving, but I know she's not satisfied to stay where she currently is.
“Dani, I need you to focus on my voice. Try to fight through this and listen to me. It's Eli. You know I'm not going to hurt you, you just need to fight through this haze and realize it's me...”
The shivers worsen and she folds over in pain. I don't know what to do. I know I can't make it better. Her body needs to fight through this, that's the only way out. Her heart rate is through the roof and that causes a nurse to appear. Thankfully it's Mandy.
“Lieutenant? What's going on?”
“She's having a moment.”
“A drug moment?”
“Yes ma'am. Is there anything we can do to help her?”
“I need to call the doctor. It'll be Dr. Ross though. Dr. Stone isn't in yet.”
“Has my dad left?”
“Yes sir. It's 5am.”
I nod. I need to go soon, but I need to make sure Dani is settled before I can go.
“Go get the doctor. I'll handle it for now.”
Dani is hissing in pain and cursing in languages I don't even know. If it's this bad now, how much worse will it get? The doctor seems to answer my internal question, because he says, “The next few days will be the worst. By the weekend, she should be through the violent stage.”
I nod, but don't say anything.
“Mandy, when was her last dose of medication?”
“Dr. Stone gave her a small dose of morphine at half 7 last night. It was only 5mg, but we did administer a small dose of sedation at 9pm, just to keep her quiet. That was on Dr. Stone's orders.”
The doctor looks at me and asks, “How did she get clean last time?”
“Cold turkey. I wasn't there, but from her account it wasn't pleasant.”
“No, it wouldn't be. Dani? Can you hear me?”
She growls. She actually growls. “You're talking like I'm not here, why should I listen?”
She'd actually be quite funny, if it weren't such a dire situation. Ash would appreciate the humor if this were any form of normal.
“Dani, I need to you try to relax. Tensing up your muscles will only make the pain worse...”
“Have you ever been through this?! Try it and see if you can relax you piece of scum...”
Dude, the girl is completely out of it. The doctor takes a step toward her and she grinds out, “If you touch me, I will hunt you down and shoot you...”
My eyes widen and I quickly say, “Doc, she doesn't like being touched on a normal day. This is just making it worse. You need to listen to her on this one. I can try to help her, but you need to bear in mind it may not work. What do you want her to do?”
“I need her to try to relax. I know that's not going to be easy, but she needs to at least try. I don't want to give her any medication because it will only prolong the inevitable. I know it's not nice for her or for you to watch, but if we can get her through the worst while she's here, you won't have to worry so much at home. You think you can get her to lay back in the bed?”
“I'll try.”
I let out a deep breath and head towards the bed. Dani stiffens when she sees my approach and I whisper, “I'm not coming any closer. I'll just stay right here. Baby, the doctor needs you to lay back and try to rest...”
“Yeah? Well, I need something to take the edge off, but he's not gonna give me that, is he?”
“It's for your own good, Dani. If you were thinking straight, you'd be begging me to not let you have any more drugs. You've already done this before and you were on your own. You can do this again. You've got me here to help you. I promise it will get easier...”
She's not listening to me, so I do the only thing I know to do and I sing 'Gravity'. By the time I'm nearly at the end of the song, Dani's eyes clear just a little and she whispers, “Eli?”
“Yes baby, it's me.”
I don't know how long this moment will last, so I need to get straight to the point. “Dani, the doc needs you to lay back and try to relax. Can you do that for me?”
She does as I ask but I know she's not relaxed. “Good girl. He doesn't want to give you any drugs, baby...”
“No! No drugs. No more drugs. It makes it worse... Please, Eli...”
“No more drugs, I got it. It's going to get bad, Dani.”
“I know. I'm sorry. Has it been bad already?”
“Nothing we can't handle. Ash would appreciate your sense of humor...”
“Good to know. I'm sorry, Eli...”
“No need to apologize. It's not your fault...”
I know the moment has gone because Dani's eyes gloss over and she grabs the bed sheets from the pain.
I turn to the doctor and ask, “Can't you even sedate her or something?”
“Not really. It'll just give her body the false hope of drugs. In fact, it will actually be giving her body what it wants. She pretty much has to go through this without help. We may need to restrain her, Lieutenant...”
“Not when I'm not here.”
“The safety of the staff is most important...”
“I understand that. I don't care if you have to lock her in this room alone, but you don't put any restraints on her unless I am in the room. Do I make myself clear?”
I leave no option for negotiation on this.
“What if you're not here?”
“Then you get someone to call me. You lock that door and get a nurse or my pops to call me. You put restraints on that woman and we'll have a big problem. You hand this information over to Dr. Stone and he'll agree with me. Are we clear?”
He nods in agreement, so I turn to Dani and say, “Dani, I have to go to work. I'll be back as soon as I can though. I'm sorry I have to leave you like this, baby.”
She grunts, but thankfully no harsh words leave her mouth. I don't know if my heart could take that right now. I know I told her I'm tough and I'll do what I have to do, but this is pretty awful to watch and listen to.
I slip out of the room, after making Mandy promise to take care of her. She promises to call if anything changes.
I grab a shower at home before changing and heading into work. We're thrown into a hostage situation as soon as I get into the precinct, so I have to push thoughts of Dani to the back of my mind. That's not an easy task, but I need to focus on work right now.
I rush off after work and head straight to the hospital. I hear the commotion before I get to the room, but it's not Dani that's making a scene. It's my mom.
“You have to do something to help her! You can't leave the poor girl like that!”
This is bad; this is really bad. I dread to think what Dani has said to my mom. She'll be devastated if she's said hurtful things to my mom.
As I round the corner by the nurses station, I find my mom pleading with one of the nurses.
“Mom?”
“Eli?! Tell them they have to help her. They can't leave her like that...”
“They are helping her, ma. She has to go through this. There's nothing they can do for her right now.”
I turn to Sally and ask, “How bad?”
“Pretty bad. Pretty much like this morning judging from the notes I read.”
I let out a string of mildly distasteful words in Russian. I know my mom would understand in Spanish and she'd be even more distressed.
“Ma, just wait here until I can assess the situation. I promise I'll be back to explain, but let me check on Dani right now.”
My heart hurts a little when I enter Dani's room. Her short hair is all over the place, like she's been pulling at it. Her bed clothes are thrown all over the place, she's sweating buckets and she looks like she's in pain. That's not what gets me the most. It's the look in her eyes that hurts more than anything. She looks defeated and distraught. That's a look I haven't seen since I first met her. I almost forgot what that looks like on her. She catches me staring at her and she growls. I guess all this pent up anger has to come out somehow. You can't tell me she's not angry at the deal life has thrown at her; at all of the men that has mistreated her. Maybe she needs to release this anger somehow.
“Dani?”
Sally is by my side, so I ask, “Has she had any lucid moments today?”
“Hardly. She hasn't had PT and the doctors haven't been able to get anywhere near her. She hasn't slept at all.”
“How much longer does this go on?”
“Hard to say. Usually by day 5 or 6 it eases up. It all depends on the person and the strength of the addiction.”
“And there's nothing I can do to help?”
“Not really. You can't give her the one thing she craves right now, so she'll probably treat you accordingly. My advice Lieutenant, would be for you to go home and let us deal with this. You don't want to see this and you don't want her to feel bad for the things she's bound to say to you...”
“No, I'm not leaving. I told her I'd stay, no matter how bad it got. I'm not breaking that promise. If I can even give her one calm moment it'll be worth it. I need to talk to my mom, then I'll stay with Dani.”
I head back to my mom, and lead her into the family room before sighing.
“What's going on Elijah? What have they done to her?”
“They haven't done anything to her. I'm going to be completely honest with you, ma, even at the risk of you judging Dani. She's addicted to the pain meds they've been giving her. We're trying to break the addiction so she can go home.”
“Oh that poor girl! What else is she going to have to deal with?”
“I don't know. It just never seems to end. Did she say anything to you?”
“Only yelling at me to get out. I knew something was wrong as soon as I went in there. She looks so distressed, Elijah.”
“I know. She's hurting right now.”
“I can see that. So are you.”
“I hate seeing her like this. It kills me to watch, but I promised I wouldn't leave her, no matter how bad it gets. Even if I didn't make that promise, I couldn't just walk away and let her deal with it on her own. That's not the right thing to do and you raised me better than that. Besides, I care about her too much to just walk away.”
She smiles softly at me, “You're a good man, son. Would you like me to sit with you for a little while?”
“Oh, no ma'am. I don't want her to regret saying anything to you. Thank you for stopping by though.”
“If you need me for anything, even if it's just to talk or cry, you call me up. I'm your momma for a reason.”
“Yes ma'am. I'll stop by tomorrow night probably. It feels like I haven't seen you and pops much recently.”
“We understand. We just want Dani to get better. I love you very much, son.”
“I love you too, ma."
She gives me a tight hug before she leaves the room. I steel myself to deal with whatever tonight will throw at me.