"I love you."
Bellamy's eyes widened and Clarke didn't know what to do, she jut let him in, let him know how she felt and it was terrifying. She keeps handing the power back to him when he gives it to her, she wanted to have the power, she wanted to be in control for once in their twisted relationship.
"You do?"
"Yeah," she breathed.
"Why didn't you ever tell me? Hell, why did you push me away?" He was angry and trying to suppress it, she knew it and she knew how he got after that but maybe she could amend it, say it again and have him know she truly means it.
"Because I love you, not the guy who fucks me with abandon, but you."
Bellamy smiled and Clarke thought it might be the most radiant smile she's ever seen. She loved him and she wants him to be happy. She wants him to be healthy and seeing Echo will help him with his mental health and his anger, she can't help appreciate the woman who can help him where she can't.
"Kiss me," she said at a whisper. She wanted it, she didn't need it. It was out of his comfort zone.
"Clarke—"
"Did they do that? Is that why you don't want to?"
"Partly. It's the intimacy, I don't know how to do that without making it all consuming while tearing your clothes off."
Clarke laughed, "It's usually a slow progression from making out to groping to tearing clothes off and foreplay and then sex. Sex we both enjoy. Not that I didn't enjoy it but you didn't. You weren't present, you were exhausted afterwards, but you weren't there. If you want to try this, Bellamy, we can but we're going to start slow, work our way slowly up to sex. We're going to be dating, Bellamy, that's how this will work. Actually I dislike formal dates, I like staying home and ordering take out or cooking together, spending relaxing time together to get to know each other, it's what people do."
"We're not normal," he smiled and the elevator doors opened and there were a ton of people standing waiting to get into the elevator.
Clarke and Bellamy walked out and headed outside to where the car was waiting for them.
"That's what you want?" he asked when the car was pulling away from the curb.
"Yes."
"Okay then."
"'Okay then'? Bellamy, this is a discussion, not me demanding something and you giving in. That isn't a relationship either, what do you want?"
"I want you to move in. I want to put a ring on your finger letting the world know you're mine. I want—"
"What?"
"I want to watch your stomach grow round and full with my children inside you," he said looking at the floor of the car and Clarke grimaced at his shame, taking his hand in hers.
"Don't be ashamed in what you want, Bellamy. I can't promise that, but what I want usually comes before what you want. We are incredibly unconventional, but, like Echo said, if we communicate with each other, we could do everything we both want in whatever order we feel is right for us, okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I feel like I'm ready to move in, I tell you. You want to ask me to marry you, you tell me. We talk about it and make a decision together."
"I can't surprise you with a ring on the beach?"
"Neither of us go to the beach except on that date."
Bellamy scoffed, "Our first date."
"That was a great date," Clarke smiled.
"Really?" he asked full of disbelief.
"Until you walked out, I'm still calling it a success."
"It's what made me realize that I need help, it brought me to Echo."
"She's gorgeous, you know."
"I hadn't noticed."
"Bellamy."
"Okay, I have, but I'm yours. I'm not doing anything with anyone but you."
Clarke smiled, "Better. Oh, and we're not hiding from anyone. Our coworkers are going to know, Octavia is going to know. Sneaking around, no matter how fun it was, it's not an option."
"That's fair. So what do you want to do with the rest of our afternoon?"
"I actually have dinner plans with Raven."
"When?"
"Six."
"So we have three hours, what do you want to do?"
"There's nothing to do in LA for three hours aside from walking the strip and that's not even a real option with all the tourists."
"Right. Back to work?"
"What do you usually do?"
"Go home and read a manuscript or watch a documentary."
"You are the biggest nerd I know and Raven is a mechanical engineer."
Bellamy laughed. "History's my thing."
"I know," Clarke smirked. "I could ask Raven if it's okay that I bring my boyfriend to dinner."
It felt weird calling him her boyfriend because he was more than that, more than just a boyfriend but it was where they should start, they've had a rough road to where they are and even though Clarke would love to jump into being engaged to him, being Bellamy's girlfriend and having him learn what a relationship is first is better than jumping into something more serious and it not working out in the end.
"Really?" Bellamy's face brightened and Clarke smiled wider.
"If you want. You haven't met her yet so if you don't want to—"
"I want to. Dating 101 right? Meeting the friends, meet the family, I want it all, Clarke. I want everything with you."
Clarke wound up not telling Raven she's bringing Bellamy, Raven knew she was screwing someone for a year and that she didn't want to talk about what happened six months ago because... really, it was her own damn fault, she walked away from him.
They walked into the restaurant, Clarke's thumb rubbed soothing circles on Bellamy's as she pulled him through the restaurant. Bellamy knew of Raven through her and Octavia but had never met her and it was somewhat of a good thing, she's a force and insanely overprotective of Clarke since the whole Finn-cident and then Lexa and Clarke just thought it would be a good idea to keep them separate until it was a sure thing with Bellamy and whenever Octavia had an event that they were both invited to one of them always bowed out for whatever reason so they'd never met.
"Hi?" Raven questioned when Clarke and Bellamy came up to the table.
"Hey, Rae, this is my... Bellamy."
"Your Bellamy?" They asked together.
"Yes. I was going to say my boss but that doesn't explain why he's here and then I was going to say boyfriend but that doesn't feel right either so Bellamy."
"We decided to see each other about three hours ago so she's getting used to saying boyfriend."
"And you're trying not to flinch when you say it?" Raven laughed and stood to shake his hand. "Raven Reyes, the tough, protective friend who doesn't think anyone is good enough for my Clarke."
"Bellamy Blake," he shook her hand before pulling out a seat for Clarke to sit. "Overprotective older brother of Octavia and always on the verge of punching Lincoln and completely in love with Clarke Griffin."
He sat next to Clarke, putting him between the two ladies and Clarke was skeptical for a moment after Finn but Bellamy just told Raven he was in love with her, it wasn't a secret.
"And her boss," Raven added. "You're the boss of almost all my friends which is weird that I've never met you before."
"True, I didn't know you knew so many of my employees."
"They're a wonderful group of people you brought together."
"This is weird," Clarke grimaced.
"This is all you," Raven smiled. "You didn't tell me anyone else was coming."
Once they found common ground the night went by quickly and Clarke hated departing for the night, hugging Raven goodbye only to get a text two minutes into the drive to Bellamy's house saying she likes him and was glad they figured it out.
"Raven likes you," Clarke told Bellamy.
"Of course she does. Everyone likes me."
"I wouldn't go that far! You do have a way with people, I will give you that."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What way is that?"
"I don't... Octavia is sanguine to a fault and it's amazingly endearing but not very helpful. You... you're misanthropic isn't the right word because that's more Murphy, you tell it how it is and people trust you for that."
"I'm veristic," he noted. "I never looked at it that way, and Murphy is in fact a misanthrope until Emori comes into the picture."
"I really don't understand their relationship but it's not for me to understand as long as they're happy."
"I'm sure people will say that about us when they find out."
Clarke nodded, knowing he was probably right, people won't understand them.
Bellamy's building came into sight and Clarke started freaking out, she didn't know what it would mean if she went home with him tonight, she didn't know if it was moving too fast or not fast enough, she didn't know and she was anxious and she wanted to go home but she wanted to find out what a night in with Bellamy entailed but she felt like if she stayed she would find out but they would be moving fast and Bellamy would move quicker than she was ready to. She'd rather them be on the same page.
"Bellamy, could you take me home? I—"
"Of course, I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I want to stay with you tonight, I really do, but it's moving faster than I think we should right now. Does that make sense?"
"It does, of course it does. You shouldn't feel pressure to do anything you don't want to do. I don't want you to feel pressure."
"Who are you and what have you done with Bellamy Blake?" Clarke joked.
"You don't want me to respect your wishes?"
"Of course I do, it's just the outward showing of respect you show that's out of character."
"God forbid someone tries bettering themselves," he grimaced.
"That's not what I meant, Bellamy. Just be yourself, but also work with Echo on what you can."
"So you don't want control?"
"Of course I do, but I think it's healthy to want it and take it when you can, knowing that you can't always have control when you so desperately crave it."
Bellamy nodded, Clarke knew he was thinking it over, thinking about the moments she's fought back against him and he wouldn't let her and maybe regretting it, maybe wondering what wonders could have transpired if he'd let her grab the reins for a few minutes. What she could have shown him and he wouldn't allow.
Clarke rolled over the next morning, hearing an incessant knocking on the door of her apartment and groaned, she paid her rent, she's paid everything she owes, even her damn med school debt. Who the hell is knocking on her door at...
She rolled over and checked the clock, seven thirty in the morning! She crawled out of bed and opened the door to find Octavia at her door.
"You're dating Bellamy?" she asked pushing through the door and into Clarke's room, Clarke on her tail completely confused.
"Uh, yeah, why? What are you doing here at seven thirty?"
Octavia was going through Clarke's closet and she turned to stare at Clarke. "You're dating my brother!"
"Still not seeing the relevance between those two factors, you don't wake up for anything on the weekends. What are you doing?"
"My brother admitted to feelings for someone other than me, and they're for you. That's something to wake up for!" she threw a dress at Clarke and knelt down and stared at her shoes.
"Octavia! What are you doing?"
"You're meeting my mom."
"Your—I thought..."
"Just come with me, please."
Clarke showered and got dressed in the dress Octavia picked out and shoes and Octavia drove her to Holy Cross Catholic Cemetery in Pomona.
"Octavia..."
"I haven't been here in years, okay? I didn't go to the funeral, I was so angry. I have a roundabout knowledge of where she is here, I just don't know where specifically."
"Why do you want me here?"
"Because you're the one person in my and Bellamy's life that truly understands why coming here is so hard."
"You think because of my dad... O, I visit my Dad every time I go to New York."
"And you cry every time?"
"Do you visit your father?"
"Hell no!"
"So why see your mom when she let him do every horrible thing he did?"
"He drugged her, she didn't know what he was doing."
"So that makes it okay? Do you know half of what Bell's been through? I do, and no mother in any state would allow any of that to happen."
"She didn't know what was happening!"
"Did you? Octavia, your brother has been through hell to protect you. I'm not going in there, none of what your brother went through should have happened, especially not as a child. He didn't know any better and stood up for himself and you when he learned otherwise. You wouldn't be who you are if you went through what he did, O," Clarke shook her head. "To want me to walk in there and talk to your enablist mother's headstone... it's disrespectful to everything Bellamy has done for you."
She turned and looked out the window, the other morning families and friends getting out of their cars and Clarke watched as Octavia breathed behind her.
"What happened to him?"
"If you don't know, I can't tell you."
"Clarke, if you know..."
"I know because he wants to be with me, he wants me to trust me after everything he's put me through the last eighteen months! You don't get to ask me what's going on with him, Octavia."
"What do you mean, what he's put you through, can I at least know that?"
"We were fucking, okay? He needed someone to fuck and that was me. I ended it six months ago because I couldn't just be sex for him anymore and... I don't know, it's... we're dating now and he told you that but not everything and I can't tell you everything because he trusted me and I'm not breaking that trust."
This isn't what she wanted, she wanted to have their normal brunch at ten thirty at Octavia's apartment and maybe tell her about her and Bellamy if O brought up seeing someone. Clarke didn't want to tell O that she knows more about Bellamy than she does because they're siblings, it's... she doesn't know, she doesn't have any siblings.
"You didn't tell me you were screwing him either."
"No one knew. I was a stereotype, the secretary screwing her boss, you would have mocked the hell out of me."
"I would have. Do you love him?"
"Yes."
"Did you tell him?"
"Yesterday."
"So then why were you at your apartment this morning?"
"Because after everything, staying at his place would have been too much too quickly. He's never been in a relationship and starting how we started, it's not normal."
"When have either of you been normal? Honestly, whatever you're both comfortable with would be normal for you two even if that's moving in together or getting married or having kids before any of that."
"He's definitely not ready for kids."
"Has he said that?"
Clarke shrugged looking at Octavia, concern clear on her friend's face, "No, but I'm not ready for kids."
"You don't have to be, just be honest with him about that."
"I know, he and I had a whole conversation about talking and not running away when faced with something like that. We're good, O, his therapist is helping him through a lot and that's what matters."