Thank you for reading.
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The holidays ended. I returned back to school.
It was the beginning of my final year in school. John said he wanted to see at night and I agreed.
Staying with John was fun. We talked about a lot and he knew just how to make me laugh. We were seated somewhere near the cafeteria and we could see the hostel from where we were seated.
Then I saw Ben. He was in front of the hostel with Linda. I didn't even know he was back to school.
He didn't even tell me. There he was, standing with Linda. Seeing them together annoyed me. They embraced each other so many times.
John wanted to go in but I wasn't ready to go yet. Reason being that I had to pass Ben and Linda to enter my hostel.
'Could we stay for a bit? Till Ben and Linda go away from there' I pointed to where they were standing.
'Why?' John asked.
'Because I don't want Ben to see me'
'So you really liked Ben. He really affected you that much'.
'I guess'
'Don't worry. I will stay with you till they leave'
I saw Ben the next day. He called me and he apologized for not telling me that he was back. He said he tried my number but it wasn't reachable. I knew he was lying but it didn't bother me.
'You look very beautiful. You are a beautiful girl.' Ben said.
'I have always been a beautiful girl. You are just too blind to notice'. I told him.
I was tired of his bullshit. I was tired of the way he treated me. It was there and then I told myself to stop; to stop my Ben madness and to just move on with my life.
It wasn't going to be easy but I was going to try. I had John's attention now to help me. Yes, it wasn't right; using someone like that. But I had no choice.
I started ignoring Ben. I wasn't avoiding him but I was ignoring him. I tried my best to dress up very well. I bought new clothes; fancy blouses and nice pants.
I made sure my hair was always tidy and I had make up on. I was loving myself and I wanted Ben to see just what he missed. I stopped checking up on him. I stopped talking about him.
I saw Ben and Linda most times together. I figured they were back together. I forced myself not to care.
I was on my way to class one day and I met Ben on the way. I threw a careless hi to him and he stopped me.
'What do you think you are doing?' he asked. 'You can only run from me but you can't hide'
I smiled and walked away. I felt good. I felt good that he knew that I was trying to move on. I felt good because it seemed like he missed the constant attention I showed him.
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John and I became very close. We spent most nights together. I remember he even tried teaching me the rules of football because he was almost a fanatic.
He constantly told me that his feelings for me were real and I tried my best to feel something in return for him but it didn't work.
Ben still had my heart. I was still madly in love with him no matter how I denied it. It hurt each time I saw him with Linda and moving on was harder than I thought.
It was night and I was with John. He took me to a classroom. It was dark. He sat down on a desk and made me sit on his laps facing him.
Then he kissed me. I couldn't kiss him back at first because I had no feelings for him and because he kept poking his tongue into my mouth.
But my resistance faded away when he began kissing and biting my neck and ears. I became horny and I wanted him to touch me more. He stopped kissing my lips and concentrated on my ears. It drove me crazy. He put his hand under my bra and squeezed my breasts.
I wanted more but I had to stop him before it got too serious and I lost control of myself.
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Joy knew I was feigning happiness and she hated the affair I was having with John.
'I am going to talk to Ben again' she told me.
'What about? The guy has already made his choice. I can't force him to be with me.'
Joy being Joy still talked to Ben and when I asked her what she told him, she told me it wasn't important for me to know.
I concluded that Ben had told her he didn't want me and she hid it from me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I was in my room that evening. The weather was horribly hot and I had no clothes on. Someone entered my room and announced that Ben wanted to see me.
I was very reluctant to go because I had no energy for the drama that came with Ben.
I dressed up and went outside. I met up with him and he suggested we sat in the cafeteria.
We were there when Linda walked in. She looked shocked the moment she saw us and she left almost immediately.
Ben and I strolled the campus and finally found a spot to sit. He demanded for the lap dance I had promised him over WhatsApp.
I told him I couldn't give him a lap dance because I was shy and he said he was going to shut his eyes.
We joked around like that for a while. I stood up and he stood up with me and before I could blink he pressed me to the wall and bent to kiss me. I immediately removed my face and he smiled and sat down.
Things got very awkward for the next two minutes before he finally spoke.
'You are still going to give me that lap dance. You promised'
'Fine' I said and I sat on his laps.
I looked into his eyes. God, I loved him. I loved him so much. It wasn't obsession not that I would know the difference.
I placed my hand on his cheek and slowly ran my fingers over his face.
I slowly bent my head and placed my lips on his. It was the most passionate kiss I have ever had.
His lips were so soft and as his tongue swept over mine, goose bumps erupted over my entire body.
We stopped kissing and I just stared at him. I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to love me but above all I wanted him to be happy and I was willing to stay away from him if his happiness wasn't with me.
We were going on Christmas break the next day and John had asked to see me. I met up with him in an empty room near the ICT center. He had keys to the room and he locked the door immediately I entered.
We sat down, we talked and soon began making out. I didn't like it when he kissed me because of the forceful way he pushed his tongue into my mouth.
I liked every other thing he did to me but not his kiss. Our make out became very serious because he had already stripped and he was now stripping me.
He touched me and I enjoyed it though he was a bit rough.
'I want to have sex with you' His voice was hoarse and clothed with need.
I was a virgin and I wasn't going to lose it to john.
'I don't want to have sex' I told him.
'Then will you suck my dick?' he asked.
I didn't want to suck his dick. I had sucked a dick before but just once. It was David's. An ex-boyfriend outside school I found out was a cheat. Funny thing is I sucked his dick long after we broke up. It was during that period Ben told me he wanted to be just friends. It was one of the stupid things I did to forget him.
'I need to go' I told John. He didn't object. I quickly dressed up and left.
It was around 6 pm and I got a text from Ben as soon as I left the room I was with John. He was asking me to meet him and I did.
Ben and I walked around the campus till it got dark.
'I hate you' I told him. 'I wish I could hate you'
He stopped walking and asked me to tell him if I still felt something for him and I refused to answer.
He told me that he was going to remove a piece of clothing each time he asks me and I refuse to answer or lie. He was joking. He had to be joking.
'Do you still have feelings for me?'
'I don't know' I told him. He removed the slippers he wore.
'Do you still have feelings for me?' he asked me again.
'I said I don't know'
He began unbuttoning his shirt and that was when I knew he was serious.
'Yes. Yes I still have feelings for you. Are you happy now?'
'I already knew the answer. I just wanted to hear it from you.'
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The Christmas holidays began. I was at home and as usual, Ben and I communicated over the WhatsApp messenger.
We had a lot of free time in our hands and so we were always online.
He told me his life was complicated and he was trying to uncomplicated issues and he might lose a good friend in the process. I knew he was talking about Linda. I didn't understand the deal with the two of them.
Linda was the one who left Ben or so he told me so I didn't know what the issue was.
'I love you'. I don't remember how or why I typed those words and it was too late to take them back because he had already read them.
'Got to go' I added and I ran. I went offline and didn't look forward to coming back online. When I came online, I saw his reply.
'I love you too Dee'. I smiled. Seeing those words was enough for me.
Ben said he was afraid of dating me.
'Why?' I asked him.
'Because I am afraid of having my heart broken again'
'Ben, I would never break your heart. I promise.'
'That was exactly what the two girls before you said and I don't even know how to ask you out'
'Trust me. I would never break your heart and about your second reason, I think we are way past the you chasing after me part, just say you want me to be your girl and viola, I'm your girl'
'I want you to be my girl and viola?'
'Let me think about it.' I was messing with him.
'Stop messing around. I'm being serious.'
'I'm your girl.'
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