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‘There is a girl in this school who has a very big crush on you’
My heart sank as Joy said those words to Ben.
We were in the classroom and Ben had come over to say hi to Joy and me. I saw the excitement on his face as he heard those words.
‘Who is the girl?’
‘Don’t worry. You would know very soon but I could describe her to you if you want’ Joy said between giggles.
What was she doing? I asked myself. I wanted to leave the class but decided against it because that reaction would be too obvious and could make Ben figure things out. I wasn’t willing to take that risk, so I stayed.
‘I’m listening’ Ben told Joy.
His excitement bothered me because it made it seem like if he ever found out that I was in love with him, he would just laugh.
‘She has brown eyes…’ Joy began describing.
‘Why do you want to know who has a crush on you? Why is it so important to you?’ I cut Joy short before she could give away all the hints that would make Ben figure out the truth.
I knew my questions sounded defensive, way too defensive for somebody that pretended not to be the one being talked about.
‘Why are you bothered? What’s your deal?’ Ben asked me.
I got irritated. Who the hell did he think he was?
‘Nothing.’ I said softly.
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Joy came into the hostel that night smiling. I knew that smile. That was the smile she smiled whenever she did something mischievous. I should know. She is my best friend.
‘What did you do?’ I asked while looking at her intently as if I could see through her and see the truth written somewhere inside her before she said anything.
‘Ben asked me about the girl that has a crush on him’.
I sat up straight. ‘What did you tell him?’
‘I gave him your initials. I told him the girl’s first and last names started with a C and an O’.
‘And you think he won’t be able to figure out that I’m the one?’
‘It will be better if he does. So all this madness will stop’
I knew Joy was trying to help. I was not angry at her efforts. Half of me was in fact grateful that she cared about me and wanted to see me happy but the other nagging half of me was skeptical.
That half screamed inside my head. What if this was a huge mistake? What if he already knows and doesn’t feel anything for me? What if he was back with Linda? I paused at that thought. Linda. I couldn’t compete with her. Not because she was prettier than I was or smarter or funnier but because she already had him and his attention. I couldn’t compete with that and I seriously wasn’t ready to try.
I shared a room with seven other girls and soon all seven of them found out about my feelings for Ben and they began calling him my candy crush.
I remember the day we had a football match at school. I’m not a fan of football and till now I can’t seem to understand the rules of the game; the corner kick, free kick, off side and all that stuff. I only watched football because it helped relieve me of the stress I felt and I loved seeing all those guys in jerseys with bodies covered in perspiration. You all can agree with me that sweaty guys are hot.
That day I was seated with one of my roommates Danny. Ben came into the field and he was looking for a place to sit. There was a vacant spot next to me, so he came and sat there.
‘Candy crush is here’ Danny said.
I was speechless. Did I miss out on the memo that said make my life miserable?
‘Who is candy crush?’ Ben asked.
‘Don’t worry’ Danny said.
Ben looked at me smiling and I pleaded with my face and entire body not to betray me.
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I was in the cafeteria with Ben. I had his phone and I went through his music play lists.
‘Which is your favorite song?’ I remember asking.
‘Make you feel my love by Adele’
I had not heard the song and so I transferred it to my phone. I put the song on repeat and I listened to it throughout the night and hearing Adele sing those words made me fall deeper in love with Ben.
My favorite part of the song was the part that said,
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn’t do. Go to the ends of the earth for you. To make you feel my love.
I slept off listening to Adele sing those words over and over again.
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Where am from, a boy chased a girl and not the other way round. With what was happening, it seemed like I was the one chasing Ben.
Joy had just told Ben that he was my candy crush. If I told her to do so or if she did it out of her own volition I can’t quite remember.
No, I think what happened was this. Joy told me that she was tired of seeing me die in silence and if I couldn’t find the courage to tell him I liked him, she was going to do it for me and if he felt the same way for me, he would come after me. If not, I would just have to move on.
When I knew that Ben already knew the truth, I dreaded going outside. I did not want to see him. I did not want him to see me. Still, I couldn’t hide in my room forever. I had classes to attend and I had to eat. So I devised a way of avoiding him.
Immediately after classes each day, I disappeared. I came to classes once I knew they were about to start and I left as soon as they ended. I did not want to give him an opportunity to reject me or mock me.
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I needed that textbook and Ben had it. It wasn’t in the school library and he was the only one I knew had it. I had to woman up “if there is anything like that”.
I finally talked to him; I asked him to lend me the textbook for that day. He acted normally. He acted like he did not know anything; like he did not hear anything. He acted like nothing happened. Of course nothing happened.
A girl being head over heels in love with a boy was no big deal was it?
After I was done with the textbook, I called his cell phone. He said he wanted me to return the book in person. So we set up a meeting in front of the female hostel.
I came out and I stood waiting for him. From the way he sounded on the phone, it was like he was already there but he wasn’t.
I waited for about fifteen minutes and I could see him nowhere. I got mad. If he knew he wasn’t coming out, why set up this meeting? Why make me wait?
I was still trying to control the anger growing in the pit of my stomach when I saw Linda coming out of the hostel. Perfect. Just perfect I thought.
She was probably out to see him as usual. So what was I doing getting my hopes up?
‘Please when you see Ben, return this book to him. Tell him I said thanks’ I walked up to Linda and said.
I couldn’t stay there, wait for him to come out and watch him go with her.
As I walked back feeling downcast into the hostel, I swore never to speak to Ben again.
Joy was angry. She was angry that Ben was doing nothing about what she told him.
Unknown to me, she spoke to Ben and he was surprisingly full of complains.
‘Joy, what do you want me to do? After classes she runs back into the hostel like she is being chased. I gave her a book and I wanted to spend time with her the day she was supposed to return it but what did she do? She gave the book to Linda. She is not making things easy’
When Joy told me all he said, I couldn’t label what I felt. He was blaming me. He blamed me after he made me stand outside like a fool waiting for him. He wasn’t worth my time and energy. I told myself.
That was lie. I knew I was lying to myself. Still, a girl had to make herself feel better and if lying to myself was going to do the trick, so be it.
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