{play/start song now. Only if you would like to of course, it's not neccessary. stop after first paragraph. or continue if you would like. or listen to before beginining to read. which ever you prefer.}
[A year has passed since Mary's death]
With time, coping with Mary's death became managable. Since the encounter with Eva, I had found a small apartment to live in. It wasn't much but it was enough. Also since that day I'd started to have nightmares. It was incredibly hard the first months. It worsened with each night. Mary kept taunting me in my dreams. find my son, find my son she would whisper. So for the entire year I refused to. I kept myself locked in the apartment. After a while I began to travel outside my room, but it was hard. People would try to talk to me but I couldn't. Everytime I had struggled in life the person I'd turn to was Mary. But now she was gone. And every day I was constantly reminded of that. It was the little things that hurt the most. Mary had always cooked the meals. And now she couldn't. Mary had always given me positive outlooks in life. And now she didn't. Mary would always make me laugh at dinner. And now every dinner was quiet. I just wanted everything to end so badly. So badly.
It was exactly one year since the death of Mary. It was time to visit her grave. I had taken the public bus to get here. All the way nervously shaking my leg. I looked out the window to distract myself. I know I wasn't actually going to see her. That it was just her body. But something about seeing her name set in stone made me nervous. Her body was going to be there along with so many others. And each one containing stories of their own. Finally I arrive and I stumble out the door nervously.
After many visits, I was still shaken. I knew her grave by heart so I quickly made my way there. I had brought fresh sunflowers. That's all I ever brought. Mary was my happiness and seeing the sunflowers made me think of just that. I place them neatly before her name plaque. Except I see her name. Mary Willows . A flood of shame overcomes me. I have not fullfilled her wish. I say my goodbyes and rush to the bus stop. I have wasted too much time. It was time to find her son.
I take a seat at a bench near the bus stop. I sit there dumfoundedly. Guess I didn't think this through. I don't even know where to begin, I think. There wasn't anything in Mary's belongings that could lead me to any clues.
No one here knows Mary , I think
I begin walking back and forth. I rub my temples trying to think. I knew a place. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. What was the damn place called?
"Excuse me Miss, were you planning on riding the bus?"
I come to a halt and take a look at my surroundings. I hadn't noticed that a line had formed behind me. The bus had arrived.
"Hey you're blocking the entrance!"
I glance at the man acknowledging him. His hair was slicked back with gel and he wore an all blue uniform. Engraved in his name plaque was Ben. His muddy brown eyes looked at me filled with concern.
"How silly of me. Here you go Ben." I hand him a bus token blushing at my stupidness and climb aboard. I think I see a hint of amusement on his face but I must have imagined it. It was still morning so the bus was fairly empty. I take a seat at the back of the busnand try to recall the name of the place I had been thinking of. I figured I'd continue riding the bus until I heard the name mentioned.
great plan, i murmur to myself
It was already night when I suddenly realized that I was the last passenger on board. In all that time, not once had I heard a name I recognized. The bus comes to a halt, but there is no bus stop so why had it? I raise my head above the seat to see what the fuss is about. The bus driver, Ben, turns around to look at me. His eyebrows furrow together in concern.
"Did you miss your stop, Miss?" he asks worried.
"No. Why? Is this the last stop?" I answer confused.
"Well- erm, no -it's just no one ever gets off at the last stop. I just assumed."
"What's the last stop?"
"Sixth Avenue"
A grin slowly spreads along my face. I just couldn't hide my excitement. That was the place! After all that waiting and frustration I had found it! I was one step closer to Mary's past. I grin wider with satisfaction.
"Yes. Thank you. That's exactly where I need to be."
He gives me one last worried look and turns back to the drivers wheel. He sits there contemplating wether he should say something.
"I'm sorry to be nosy. It's just- have you been there?" he looks at me through the rearview mirror giving me a worried face. I bite my lip worriedly.
"I haven't been there in a long time." is all I say.
"The people there ain't nice, Miss"
I close my eyes refusing to let the flashbacks intrude my mind. But they come in anyway.
It had been a month since Mary had found me at the carnival. I hadn't gone out of the house since then. I was sitting on a barstool waiting for my breakfast. I wanted to tell Mary to let me out but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I picked at the kitchen table mantel. The windows were open to let the air in. It was a sunny day, perfect weather to be outside.
outside I thought.
I sigh, intertwining my hands together and placing them onto the table. Mary was cooking eggs on a pan. She was a magnificent cook. Her skills amazed me. Mary turned around and placed the egg onto my plate. I grabbed my fork and began to eat. Mary took a seat across from me.
I knew she was looking at me but I didn't want to look up. I still wasn't comfortable with her. Every meal was carried outin this way. She tried to make conversation and I made small talk. I pretended to be fascinated with my fork and scraped it along the plate.
"Don't go ruining my plates now dear."
I look up shamefully because I had caused her disappointment. She gives me a soft smile but it is soon replaced with a worried look. I open my mouth to apologize but she stops me.
"Oh Milly, i was only kidding." she chuckles
"Oh."
I give her a nervous laugh. I liked it when she called me that. It was like she had known me for a long time. I look down at my plate wishing for more. Mary gives me a long sigh. I look up expectantly. She shakes her head. This time in real disappointment.
"Help me to understand Camille, what are you missing? What is it that I need to do, to make you happy?"
She looked distraught. I felt bad for her. I wish I knew myself.
" I'm your mother now. The past will only hurt you Camille. How many times must I tell you this."
Tears run down my face. I didn't ask for this. Nobody forced her to take me. Why was she making me look like the bad guy. She never acted this way. I wiped my tears away and looked at her. Those eyes that were always smiling had vanished. Instead a said pair of eyes replaced them. After a few silent minutes passed, I decided to say something.
"I want to go outside Mary."
I looked her straight in the eye. I was determined to get my way. I was a mouthy six year old.
"Will this make you happy?"
"Yes"
"Then what are we waiting for?"
I gave her a big smile and clapped my hands together in excitement. She went for the coat rack and picked up a hat.
It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing. The weather was perfect. I was finally outside. Except, this happiness would only last so long before it'd be ripped away. Once again.
Mary grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. She appears nervous. I lead the way into my favorite store. The candy shop of course. I start only looking at first. But then Mary hands me a small bag. She doesn't have to ask me twice. She chuckles at my eagerness.
"Hello Mary- erm, um - hi little rascal."
Tom was the owner of the store. He and I had become pals ever since I discovered the shop. He wore his usual work outfit. A striped dress shirt, suspenders, and his brown pants. He frowned at the sight of me with Mary. He then quickly tried to cover it by smiling but I had already seen.
"You haven't visited me in a year!" He pretends to wipe a tear off his face. I start to laugh.
"Sorry tommy." I give him a bashful smile.
"Oh alright I forgive ya. So where's your mother little one?" He looks seriously at me now. I look down and shrug my shoulders. I grab Mary's hand and hide behind her. This was too soon. Tom quirks an eyebrow at Mary. When Mary doesn't respond, his eyebrows knit together in worry.
"I don't like this one bit Mary. What do you think you're doing?" His temper starts to rise and he appears furious with Mary.
"Tom-" She warns him
"No, you tell me what's going on or I'll call the sheriff." He warns her
"Oh please Tom. Stop sticking your nose in places it doesn't belong." she tells him flatly.
"This child is not an item Mary. What? Did you think you could show up with a kid and act like nothing is wrong? Like everything is ok? As if the kid was your own? What is wrong with you damn it!" He runs his hands through his hair frustrated. Mary keeps her cool and lets him calm down before she speaks.
"You don't know a thing Tom. Come here Milly, finish picking your sweets. I'll be back. I'm only going to go talk with Tom ok?"
I watched as they walked away. Tom lead the way furious to the back of the shop. I was scared. What if she didn't come back? I began to scoop gummy worms into the bag when I hear whispering behind me. I turn around slowly and notice two women looking at me. They were whispering about me. They weren't even ashamed. I look away. Then I hear snickering. Outside there was two girls from school. They were pointing at me and laughing. I touched my face. Did I have something on it? I continued to fill up the bag. Mary came outside and hurriedly walked me over to the counter. Her grip on me was tight. Tom made his way to the register. He leaned over the counter and looked at me. He smiles.
"Did you pick some good ones?" He asks. I nod my head in response.
"How much will it be?" Mary asks
"On the house." he smiles at me once again. This smile is different. A pity smile. I look down at my bag. I felt uncomfortable. People were talking about me. Mary gives my shoulder a squeeze.
"Thank you Tommy." Mary tells him
"Take care will ya Mary." He gives her a concerned look but then it changes to a sincere smile.
"Well we better get going then." She sighs. She appears like she doesn't want to leave. She turns me around and we head for the exit.
"See ya Camille! Take care of Mary okay?" He waves at me. Mary chuckles softly. I turn around and nod waving back. He blows me a kiss. And I pretend to catch it. I laugh at his foolishness.
"Where to next?" Mary looks at me and smiles.
"I want to go home please." I tell her. Mary looks confused but doesn't question.
"Let's go home." She gives me a big smile.
On our way back, absolutely everyone looks at us. Mary keeps her head held high and walks past everyone. I ,on the other hand, walk by with my head down.
"Look at the town whore!"
"She's not even ashamed!"
"Poor child!"
"I heard she kidnapped the child"
"The real mother has vanished, have you heard?"
None of this affected her. Everything was fine. But then it got worse. People started to yell. They began to throw whatever they had in their hand. Tomatoes, stones, eggs, cake, you name it. That's when it all became too much. I didn't even know half of these people. Mary grabbed my hand tightly and began to run in an opposite direction. We kept running until the laughs of the townspeople became distant. Mary let go of my hand and sat on a rock. She sat there quiet. That didn't last long. She began to cry. Then it turned into sobs. Mary kept trying to wipe her tears away but they kept coming.
It was in this moment that I realized something. My mother abandoned me. She was never coming back. This was my life now. Mary was a very nice woman. And I was ungrateful. Mary was all I had. When nobody else loved me, she did. I began to cry then too. I was confused. Why were those people doing these things? Mary looks up and runs over to hug me. My love for her grew in that moment. I didn't want anybody else but her. I never wanted her to let go. I hug her tighter.
We sat there like that for who knows how long. I begin to fall asleep so Mary props my head on her shoulder. I wrap my tiny legs around her waist. I make myself comfortable and we start to walk home.
"Are we going home?" I ask
"Yes Milly dear." she replies
"Let's go home." I say
I feel her smile against my head. She kisses the top of my head and we continue on our way.
Sixth Avenue. That place held one of the darkest memories of our lives. Mary and I left the town a couple weeks after. We struggled with rent money but I was happy. Mary was all I needed. If she was there, I knew I could make it through. I wasn't so sure now.
"Yeah, I know."
"Ya sure ain't nothin' like 'em" he says giving me a reassuring smile.
I smile back and look out the window. I started to look at all the little stores. One after another. There was the meat market, the bread market, the fruit market, and a candy shop.
"We're here" Ben announces, interrupting my thoughts.
I get up from my seat and make my way to the doors. When I arrive at the front I give Ben a smile and thank him.
"Wait!"
I turn around to see what it was. I see Ben fidgeting with his hands in his seat. He looks out the window before returning his attention back to me.
"You should know I don't come here often. Never to be exact," he gives me a worried look and then continues " it's a waste of time stopping here. No one gets on. Don't tell ma boss I said that though." he gives me a shaky laugh.
"Your secret is safe with me but how am I supposed to get back?" I ask him worriedly. He rubs the back of his neck looking down. He looks up and sighs.
"Take my card. Call me when you want to return. I'll come for you, bus or no bus." he smiles at me handing over a white little card.
"Thanks. So why don't people use the bus here?" I ask him knowing the answer. I wished that things had changed.
"People here ain't like us. They think they all high and mighty, ya know? Nobody gives a damn about the bus." he turns cold and sighs looking up at me.
"Thanks again." I get off the bus and turn around to look at him. He gives me a curt nod and grins happily at me. For the first time since the drive here, I notice how young he looks. Almost my age if not a bit older.
"Call me if you need me."
And with that he turns to the wheel and closes the doors. He gives me one last wave and drives off. I could've sworn he winked but I couldn't be sure. I turn around slowly. Taking in all the memories. Good and bad.
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Hope you enjoyed the song if you did listen to it. It's fine with me if you don't. I myself can't concentrate reading and listening at the same time. Anyway, just wanted to say that I hope nobody minded me forwarding the story a year. Hoestly, it probably would have been a whole chapter of mourning. And who wants that? I tried to put as much feeling as I could into Camille. Which is why I thought the song was a perfect song. It's exactly how she feels. Just overall I wanted to put the emphasis that the death of Mary wasn't easy on her. It was a bit difficult for me to write it. So I hope I conveyed that exact feeling. So much hope reapeated here, sorry. Okay so that is all I want to say. Just a reminder that these author's notes are not necessary to read, they are only here in case there is any confusion. I don't want to ruin your momentum so that is why I say it. Gosh, I always put too much, okay thank you for reading and have a splendid day!
. . . . Victoria. . . . .
PLEASE OH PLEASE DONT BE A SILENT READER (ITS OK SOMETIMES I FORGET AND I AM TOO!) AND VOTE AND/OR COMMENT!!!