I only returned to school a week after the incident between Goliath and Skye. I did not have the strength to deal with everyone.
He refused to talk about it, but I knew that it was bad. Whatever happened between them has clearly installed a great sense of fear in my brother. It is like my brother is slowly dying and there is nothing I can do about it. He barely talks. He barely eats, unless he spent a few hours with Natasha, then he suddenly develops a strange appetite. He is not sleeping. His eyes are permanently bloodshot and there are dark grey circles under them. I have tried to talk to him, but he keeps avoiding the subject. He keeps saying that I should leave it and that it does not matter.
I have seen similar signs in my father and mother. I hate to admit it, but I am scared that Skye is either drinking or using some kind of drug. I hope that I am wrong.
For some reason I scanned the halls for Harper. I heard rumors that he was absent all of last week. He was at school today though. At least that is what I heard.
I did not really know what I expected to happen between him and his father, but he looked okay when I finally saw him. He was with his friends during lunch sitting on the bleachers making fun of other people. For a reason I was still trying to figure out why his laughter seemed empty. It could be because mine was also empty. I know the tell-tale signs of someone who is faking it. I wonder if my fake smile is also as obvious as his. His friends do not seem to notice it.
His laugh was almost dead. I could not help myself as I stared at him during the second lunch break. I had no idea what I was looking for.
"Why are you staring at Harper?" Skye gave me an irritated glance.
"I am not"
"Yes you are."
"No I am not"
"Yes you are"
"No I am not"
"Well. Mac you have sort of been staring at him since the beginning of break." Edith shrugged her shoulders and took a bite out of her wrap. Off course Edith would take Skye's side.
I looked at Skye. He has not eaten anything yet today. He did not even have the food I packed for lunch with him. Natasha was half lying on top of him. She was busy drinking some health shake out of a cool drink bottle. I had this suspicion that there was some kind of alcohol in it.
"I was not busy staring at him. I was merely observing the natural habitat of the stupendous species." Edith laughed and then stopped herself.
"That was not very nice, but it was funny. Did Mister Van Rensburg also give you that assignment where you had to write a letter to someone random?" Edith took another bite out of her wrap.
I looked at Skye again. I was really worried about him. He looked physically ill. He was even paler than usual. Skye looked directly at me. He reached his hand out and took a hand full of Biltong as if though he heard what I was thinking. He ate it in such a manner as if to say, look, I am eating.
Natasha started to talk about this party at a Matric's house where she was going this weekend on Saturday. She invited everyone to come along.
"Sorry. I don't really do parties. I have to go...I promised Tyler that I would help him with a project in art class. Bye everyone. Bye Skylar." Edith finished eating and walked away.
"So are you going or not?"
Skye and I answered at the same time. I said;
"We cannot go" at the same time Skye said;
"I will be there."
I was shocked that Skye actually said yes to go to a party and then I realized what he really said. He said; "I...will be there.", and not "We...will be there." It might sound like nothing, but for some reason I found these one of those moments where afterwards everything would change. Since when did my brother like to go to parties alone? He hated social gatherings, especially parties. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He had no idea that he had just subconsciously chosen Natasha over me. I am probably overreacting. Right?
"I have to go" I picked up my school bag and I walked away.
The bell rang to signal that break was over. Instead of walking to my next class I slipped out of the back gate. I did not really have anywhere I had to be I just wanted to get away from Natasha and Skye. Seeing them together was infuriating. As I left they were still talking about the party.
I understood that my brother needed to have his own life, but did it have to be with her? Not only did she try and seduce Brian, but she also took a photo of me while I was in my underwear while we were getting dressed for Life Orientation. She posted the pictures on the school's website. It took weeks before anyone could take the post down. In spite of the fact that she did that to me Skye still chose to be with her.
What if Skye was right and I was judging her too harshly? What if Harper was right? Am I really that judgmental? Am I a bad person? Am I a hypocrite? Am I jaded?
I remember this one time Skye and I were about twelve. We made a bonfire in our back yard. We sat around the bonfire and we made a promise to each other. We promised to always stand up for each other and to always protect each other. What happened to that promise? What happed to Mac and Skye against the world? The sad truth is that I could not protect him and he was pushing me away. Was he blaming me for whatever happened between him and Goliath? Was it my fault for leaving him alone?
I did not even realize where I was heading until I found myself at the edge of the pier. It took about half an hour. I just needed a little bit of air. I had no intention of coming here again. The last time I was here things did not end so well.
I looked out at the waters and sighed. I used to love taking my board and surfing the waves. It was one of those things that would calm me down, but that was no longer an option. I burned my old board along with any and all reminders of my old life, which also included every gift Brian ever gave me. I think running my fingers through the inside of a wave would be amazing right now. I would be lying if I said that I did not miss it, but that was then and this is now. People change. I changed.
Our surfing Coach said that I was a natural and that I could go pro if I really wanted to, but that was not who I was anymore.
The air smelled salty and sharp and there was a cold breeze coming from the sea. I sat down and took out my journal. I broke my rule today by bringing it to school, but maybe subconsciously I knew that I would need it. I leaned against the railings of the dock and started to write.
There was a sound behind me and I quickly hid my journal and looked up.
"What are you doing here?"
Harper walked closer to the edge. We both still had our school uniforms on. His hair was hanging in his face and he sighed as he moved to sit beside me at the foot of the railings. He was sitting in such a manner that his feet were hanging off of the pier through the railings.
"What are you doing here?" I answered his question with a question. Why did Harper of all people have to show up here and mess everything up even further? This was my place.
"I always come here to think. For some reason I usually find a sense of peace and calm when I am here, but not recently, especially not today." Harper looked out in front of him. There was almost no emotion in his voice except for the way he shuddered at the last few words.
"Great! Now you are blaming me for ruining your special place? Well this is my place Harper. I always come here. If anyone is ruining this place for anyone it is you, for me."
"Are you being serious? This is not private property McKenzie! And not everything is about you, okay? Could you just back off for once? Oooh poor McKenzie she has things so tough...How does she ever make it through each day..." He mocked me and lit a cigarette. He took a deep drag. He blew out the smoke in the form of a circle.
"You are nothing but a jerk!!!" I stood up and grabbed my school bag.
Harper stood up and stepped onto the railings of the pier.
"I am no more a jerk than you are. It won't matter in a few minutes in any way."
Honestly I thought nothing of it, this was after all Harper Brown, the golden boy of the town who had everything going for him. I should have done something.
"As if you would know what it is like to have a hard life Harper! You have everything! The whole school is crazy about you, you are good in sports, you are good in academics, you live in a sick mansion and you have both your parents. Your life is perfect!"
As I think back to this moment in the future I know that I should not have said those things. I should have seen the darkness in his eyes. I should have noticed by the way he was talking. I should have known what he was going to do, because eight months prior to that moment I had been there for the exact same reason. It does not matter though. I said what I said and Harper turned around and looked me right in the eyes still standing on the railings. He threw his cigarette off the railings and took a deep breath before he spoke.
"Yes f#$%@ perfect..." He whispered the sentence and then he stepped backwards off of the railing and allowed himself to fall off, of the Pier into the murky waters of the ocean.