i did not expect it to turn out this heavy wow
mild trigger warnings for anxiety/panic attacks
"You get used to it."
He feels his heart start back up. It was barely beginning to rest from all the previous activity, and now it's back to racing again. It's panic and it's sore and everything aches and he doesn't want to do this anymore he doesn't want to be here anymore he doesn't know why he is he doesn't want to be here he didn't ask for this when did this happen when did this become his life-
"Breathe."
He leans into the pressure on his back, inhales through the fragments of his chest and exhales out the breath, and as torn up and ragged as it is, it comes.
They don't usually come.
It comes.
He turns his head and swallows back heavily, presses on the lump in his throat and welcomes the tears. It's an excuse to squeeze his eyes shut. "Sorry."
"Don't be," Grace says. "Otto told me, y'know...about you." When he opens his eyes to look over at her, hers widen. She holds her hands up in surrender and takes a step to the side, starts to shake her head vigorously. "He didn't go in detail, I promise! He just said you have panic attacks." She drops her voice down a bit. "Awsten doesn't know about this, so please don't say anything, but...Otto does, too. They're not like, regular, or anything, but he's had a lot of them since Aws found him that one night..."
"You..." He trails off, shaking his head. He doesn't know how to ask the question. He doesn't know what to say. Otto and Awsten and Grace are all part of this tangled web, formed strings to each other through their painful pasts that culminate in their mannerisms today and ultimately have shaped them into who they are, and he's on the outside.
He doesn't know.
He's on the outside.
"Can I sit?" She asks. He bites his lip and scoots over to the edge of the couch, presses his body against the arm and drops his head to take another breath. The cushion dips beneath him, and he hears her sigh. "I get it, you know? I get what you're feeling."
"No, you don't." He hears himself say the words before he registers saying them, and then his heart is off again. Where do you get off running your mouth you're gonna make her hate you and then she'll tell Otto and he'll get Awsten to break up with you he doesn't love you no one loves you it's them and then you them and then you you're not important pitypitypity- "I-I'm sorry, I-"
"Otto loves Awsten more than he'll ever love me."
The words hang in the air for a few seconds. They stay there. She goes silent and he keeps his mouth shut too- am I supposed to say something what do I even say to that what do I say fuckfuckfuck-
She smiles. "But I'm okay with that. It doesn't bother me anymore. It used to, I mean, I used to be pissed that he was always cancelling plans or rescheduling on me. And yeah, it made me feel second best and not important for a while." She takes a breath and looks down at her feet. "I didn't handle it well. And when I finally snapped-" She shakes her head. "I was so stupid. Otto loves Awsten more than he'll ever love me, but he will never love Awsten the way he loves me. It's different. A different kind of love."
"What do you mean?"
"They're all each other had," Grace says. "For so long, they were all they had. After the accident...I've known them for a few years now. I liked him for almost a year, before I said anything. Otto was so scared to date for so long. Awsten had to practically set things up for us. It goes back to what they've done for each other. How they've helped each other. Awsten will always be the most important person in his life, and Otto will always be the most important to Awsten. It's nothing against you, it's just- it's them. It's the way it is."
"But anyway," she continues. "After the accident- when you're born blind it's easy because you don't know anything else. But when you've had fourteen years seeing, and then it's just...gone... It's a lot." She looks back up at him with a small smile. "It's a lot. And Awsten downplays how bad it was. He was a mess, Geoff. He was broken. He didn't want to live anymore." She pauses again. "And Otto spent so many days – Awsten stopped going to school and Otto ditched with him – at his house, in bed, just curled up behind him, holding him. It's hard to explain, but...losing his sight made him feel so alone...Otto didn't let that happen. And he attached himself to that. So now..."
"Otto is his person," Geoff finishes.
"I remember one night," Grace says. "Otto stood me up and I was pissed. I was ready to scream at him. So I walk into their apartment, right, and I'm like, fuckin' fuming. And then I hear- someone's crying. And then I see it."
There's a weight in the pit of his stomach. It's too heavy. His heart feels heavy. Awsten's piece is dangling. The thread attaching it to the rest is about to snap.
He knows it's going to be bad. It always is.
Awsten is sunshine.
He's sunshine and glitter and sparkles and soft clouds, watching the sky change from blue to purple and pink, running through fields of dandelions and turning in circles around falling cherry blossoms.
But the brightest suns have the darkest clouds, all tied up and packaged, shoved deep in the hollows of his chest. Breaking through Awsten's barriers has brought him so much closer to him, but it's also opened the gates to the horrors of his past, like he's journeying through a bright and vibrant ocean and just got to the deepest, darkest parts.
These are the parts Awsten doesn't talk about, the parts no one knows about, the parts you would look at him and never even dream existed.
These are the parts that send his piece of Geoff's heart tumbling to the ground, to smash over and over again, with no chance of repair.
"A lot of people who are blind say they can see in their dreams." Grace's voice is shaking a little bit. "And Aws can. And he- sometimes it just- it hits him. Randomly. He was taking a nap, I think, and he woke up and realized he couldn't see and he never would again – this was like, a year ago, like, fuck, it was so random – and he had one of the worst panic attacks ever. Crying and scratching his arms and everything. I just stood there. I couldn't move. It was-" Her voice breaks. "I wasn't there after the accident. I didn't see any of that. This was the worst I've ever seen Awsten – except today. I think today beats it. But-"
She pauses again. "Otto looked so calm. Awsten was screaming and crying and he was just- calm. Rubbing his back and whispering in his ear and helping him breathe." She gives a shuddery sigh. "We talked about it after. He told me everything, about how Aws was right after everything, what he's been through, all of it. And that's when I knew."
"What?"
"I'd been thinking about asking Otto to move in with me. We've been together almost three years. I thought it was time. But that night...Awsten needs him more than I ever will. He's better, so much better than he was, but...he needs Otto, Geoff. He loves – I don't know if you guys have said it or not but I think he does – you, but he needs Otto. It's not about you. What he and Otto have...it's different. It's special. You and I will never understand it, but in my mind, they're soul mates. We're their lovers, but they're soul mates."
...
He's noticed it.
Maybe it's the heightened hearing or how close to Otto he is, but either way, he's noticed every wince and gasp and tiny groan of pain. He's noticed how stiff Otto's body gets underneath him when he shifts, how the grip on his hand tightens slightly at those moments, how the breaths become heavier and more labored as time goes on.
"What happened?" He asks.
Otto shifts underneath him. His arm curls further around his back, but Awsten pushes against it. He pushes upward to support his weight on the railing of the bed, look down in the direction of Otto's voice and stay there, keep himself off Otto's body. "What?"
"You're hurting," he grounds out. "You lied to me. You're not okay."
Otto grunts. He hears him moving around a bit more. "Aws, I didn't- I didn't lie, okay? I'm fine. S'nothing."
"What. Happened?"
"Fuck, Aws," Otto groans. "Just. It's some broken ribs. A concussion. And my wrist's kinda..."
"Kinda..." he repeats.
"Broken."
"Otto-"
"Someone hit me head on," Otto deadpans. "It could've been so much worse. I'm lucky, Awsten. Everything hurts and I'll be sore for a while, but I'm so fucking lucky I'm not dead."
He swallows. "Don't."
Ottodeaddyinggonedeaddyinggonedeaddyinggonenonono-
"Aws-"
"Please."
Deaddyinggonedeaddyinggonedeaddyinggone-
OttoOttoOtto-
it hurts it hurts it hurts can't breathe Otto where's Otto I need him I can't do this I can't do it it hurts OttoOttoOtto where's Otto I need Otto I need him where is he why isn't he here it won't stop he makes it stop it won't stop he makes it stop it won't stop-
"Hey, breathe." He feels Otto's arm on his back, the fingers that curl around his side and pull him back down to Otto's chest, the hard material of Otto's cast poking into his back- "You're okay, Aws. I'm okay. Everything's okay. Take some deep breaths, you're fine, I promise."
"D-don't leave," he forces out. The words feel like knives cutting up his throat as they come up. "P-please..."
Otto's lips press against the top of his head. "I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me, I promise."
can't promise can't promise nonono-
deaddyinggonedeaddyinggonedeaddyinggone-
dead.
dying.
gone.