Joshua Parker
"Enlighten me then."
Savannah James had most surely grown into a confident woman over the course of the years. It was evident in her features, how she held herself with conviction, how she scrutinised my every move and especially how she stood firm, undeviating from her stance on our current situation.
We were different people, that was for sure, but that fact was always the drive for anything we did or spoke about together. There were differences of opinions and knowledge, things we would crave to explore about each other in as simple as small talk over dinner.
But as jarring as it could sound, I no longer recognised the woman in front of me.
"I don't know where to start."
She raised her inquisitive eyebrows, prompting me to continue speaking before she were to add what she wanted, which was a given at this point.
I searched her features before speaking again. It was easier to look at her now that it was just the two of us alone, and that we were properly facing each other, giving in to our undivided attention. Like before, she was just as classically beautiful as I could remember, only that maturity had taken her tenfold, except not in the sense of ageing. She was more forthright, yet just as enigmatic with waves of contentment, which I could only imagine was with her life.
"I know it seemed like I just walked out on you," a scoff from her lips managed to bring my eyes back up to meet hers, "but I had my reasons. Work was getting on my back and I just didn't think I could juggle both at the same time."
"So you chose your job over the person you were spending your life with? Makes sense."
It was the version of the truth I wanted her to believe. As unrealistic as it was, I felt better in knowing that she thought it was the job. How I wished it was just the job.
"Savannah, I know nothing will possibly change what happened between us because it's happened now and there's nothing we can do. I just don't want this," I motioned between the both of us, "you hating me."
She finally looked down, having reached what I would assume to be the final tether of her sarcasm. "We haven't had anything to do with each other for four years, Josh. Nothing we can both say right now is going to change anything after. I still don't think I can be anything close to friends with you, it's not fair."
"Not fair on who?" I questioned and resisted the urge to lift her chin with my fingers, knowing that I lost that very right a long time ago.
"It's not fair on me, Josh." When she looked up again, I could spot the moisture in her eyes, threatening to fall if I spoke another word. "Like the fact that I'm finding out why you ended things now—four years later." She'd been holding this in, I could tell. "That you hurt me and you didn't care. And that you—"
"That I what?"
"It doesn't matter," she began to stand, "I need to go, I'm sorry." She wiped her eyes hastily as she stood, only to be stopped by the soft grip of my hand around her wrist. She lacked her previous strength to pull away, opting to sit herself back down instead.
"You shouldn't be the one apologising, Savannah. And I know it won't mean anything now, but I truly am sorry."
My heart ached when I looked at her side profile, now scanning the view again. It was only at this moment that I truly realised I had lost the person I would have always assumed to be my soulmate, the person I wanted to grow old with. I used to imagine having children with her, what they would be like and who they would grow up to become.
With relating to Savannah, I knew I would have loved them just as much as I did her.
But we were too far gone.
Two very different people. Two people with very contrasting requirements for happiness. Our lines would no longer cross, and I hated myself for being the sole cause of it.
I could tell that she had heard my apology, only that she was now choosing to ignore it. My words followed her phone ringing and the name displayed being Valentina, a person I knew would hate me almost as much as I now hated myself.
"I really need to go, Josh," she silenced her phone and looked back to me, "I don't think this accomplished anything, but I still think it's best we keep apart."
"Why?"
"You know why."
She stood again with her final words. "Goodbye Josh." There was less than a second that she waited for anything I might add but I didn't have anything left to say. I was in the wrong and if she wouldn't accept my apology, there was nothing else I could do.
Losing Savannah would always be the grave mistake I would regret for the rest of my life, even if I was now moving on with someone else.
Savannah and I were obviously no longer meant to be.
— • —
My head was a mess of thoughts, running through and spiralling my mind into a string of emotions, ranging from sheer guilt to the anger in knowing I was too staggered to say anything else to Savannah once she left.
It was late in the afternoon, meaning that Madison would be back from her shoot later on, giving me the little time to sort through the apartment. More importantly, tidying up the mess she had left.
Madison had grown to mean everything to me. We met through a non-accidental mutual friend, bringing us together over three years ago. She was beautiful inside and out which was something the tabloids would most likely disagree with.
However, more often than not I found myself comparing her to Savannah in every which way, especially since that day I saw her again in Luke's office.
They were as far apart as two women could be.
Savannah, despite her new and convincing self-reliance, was more sensitive than most which I could never comprehend as a negative trait. Her feelings were out in the open and I could read her. I knew what she was thinking and she did so for me. We were in sync like no other, understanding when we might have either needed space or the comfort of the other.
Madison was more of a closed book.
It took time for the strain to disappear between us. We were prevented from being on the same page from the first day I met her and that was mostly because I was working beside her father. She was a diligent woman like he was, prioritising work before anything else.
When our situation began, there was little to no agreement, finding ourselves as two good looking people who happened to also be nice looking together. It was based on the sole sexual attraction that I needed from someone at that point.
I would tell myself that I broke up with Savannah for work, that our relationship was becoming toxic, preventing us from staying together. I would tell myself that I left Savannah because I was selfish and young, that there was an opportunity to make it to the top and I took it without a second thought, despite there being a non-contractual agreement with Luke to get to know his daughter instead.
I ran my fingers stressfully through my hair and swiped a beer from the refrigerator. There was no denying that both Madison and I were able to live comfortably, that being an understatement for the penthouse apartment I was now standing in.
My body felt stiff with guilt as I made my way out onto the balcony and closed the sliding door behind me, allowing my mind to relish in the freedom or being outdoors without anyone needing to bother me. I sinfully pulled a newly bought cigarette packet from my pocket and lit one as I placed it to linger on my lips.
I never smoked before.
At least I quit promptly after smoking for a short time during the break up. It was undoubtedly my stress-reliever, induced by my shame and discomfort with anything to do with Savannah. It moved my dejection from her eyes to the killing stick in front of me instead.
To most, I would look like I'd just suffered a loss. Yet in my mind, I felt that I had.
Without seeing Savannah, I was shielded from the very reality that she did in fact hate me. There'd always been hope in my mind that there was no ill-will between us, but not even I could be too foolish to think that.
"Josh?" A feminine voice called through the void of darkness I had left behind in the apartment, opting to keep the lights off and pretending that nobody was home. I hastily stubbed out the cigarette between my fingers and lodged it between my seat and the wall, knowing I'd be throwing it away later.
I stood up from my position and peered through the glass doors where Madison was now standing, in all her glory, and with a bare face from what I could assume to be finishing her shoot.
She was mesmerising to look at, which was most probably the rationale behind her career choice as a model. She mixed with the likes of all her other famous named friends, bringing home countless stories of the current basketball player each of them were finding time to spend with.
Her eyes were a contrasting bright blue colour to her dark brunette hair, bringing with her a body that would seem to have been created professionally. She switched on the lights using the control panel beside the front door as I slid open the balcony doors.
"Why is it so dark in here?"
My automated response came with scratching the back of my neck, as if I was in trouble for something without knowing what I'd done.
"You look tired, what's wrong?" A relieving comfort found my skin when she walked over and caressed my cheeks.
"Nothing," I whispered down to her and wrapped my arms around her waist, "I didn't sleep much last night—how was the shoot?"
She finally pulled away from me after tightening her grip and slipped her bag off to place down onto one of the kitchen stools. "Tedious. They wanted me in all these stupid positions and my flexibility doesn't reach that far."
"You sure about that?" I lifted an overfamiliar eyebrow as she playfully shoved my shoulders.
"More flexible than that, Josh."
I planted a swift kiss to her lips, hoping that she wouldn't sense the tobacco smell I needed to rid myself of. "Are your mom and sister still flying in next Friday for the party?"
"Last I checked they were," I made my way into the bedroom as she followed, "you know they don't have to stay here with us, I can get them a room in a hotel nearby."
"Josh," she placed both comforting hands to my chest, "we have been together for three years now, we're engaged and I've still yet to meet your mother and sister, they can stay in our guest rooms."
"There's a reason for that."
A grin found her lips as she escaped into the bathroom to most likely occupy herself with her usual skin care routine.
Madison and I had spent the first couple years of our relationship, like mentioned before, in limbo. More a state of sexual attraction than anything else. She was what I would recall to be a provisional gesture for mine and Luke's partnership.
Only in the last year had I grown to believe that Savannah was not going to be coming back, and that I wasn't going to be able to get her back. I needed to move on with my life without her, thinking and believing that she had done the exact same.