When you think about what could possibly provide you with the upmost comfort in life, most would say their friends and family, maybe their favourite television show or movie or even just their favourite dessert they would crave on a diet.
For myself, it was the invigorating process of unclasping my bra from the back and pulling it through my sleeve, my toddler sleeping soundly in her bed and my hand occupied with a large glass of glistening white wine, the bottle included on the table.
I only really had myself to blame for my lack of social excitement on a Friday night while most workers enjoyed a well-earned night of bar hopping. Mostly due to the fact that I had the pressing task I'd been putting off for the latter end of this week.
My heightened craving for alcohol would stem from every single time my gaze would fall upon the unopened file in my work inbox, opting instead to open up another online clothing website to scan through clothing I most definitely couldn't afford.
A sigh left my lips when I sank back down into the couch, attempting to forget that there was a transcript waiting to be opened and read, needing to be completed by Monday at the latest. "Come on Savannah, come on." I prompted my body to lift again and finally double click the file to download it.
The mere thought of what I would be doing tomorrow was already enough to bring up the apprehension that I had been evading all week, preventing myself from even thinking about Josh and the fact that we would soon be sitting across from each other again. Close enough to want to touch him yet knowing that I would never be able to again.
A reminder to change my phone lock screen was picked up in my mind when a notification buzzed beside my laptop. A beautiful photo of Riley had been chosen to occupy my screen every time I touched it, bring more warmth to my heart than anything else I would want to see.
Josh Parker
Still on for tomorrow?
Reality set in once I saw the message, peering above Riley's smile as if torturing me. Two people connected without even knowing it and suddenly, my heart ached with guilt that I never usually felt in thinking about Riley's father.
I finally understood that I could never escape Josh, mostly because in ignoring his message, the file that was now opened on my screen was a written transcript by Lionel, entailing the interview with Luke and Josh.
Therefore, I plucked up my only remaining courage to text back a haste thumbs up to Josh and began reading through the transcript, pretending that it wasn't Josh's spoken words that I was now reading in my mind.
I'd always known that Josh was intelligent. He knew a lot of things in high school but just struggled to put it to use until it was needed. He breezed through college admissions without a care in the world, and only really screwed his head on properly once it came to the working world.
Since then and for the time we were together, I had never seen the man work harder than he did at his job. He was determined and would never allow anything to get in his way of making it to the top, which he obviously now did.
His words were angelic when written down, as if I could hear every one of his dictated speeches, explaining the merge between himself and Luke. He talked through their current strategy and how they were going to build. His persistence was admirable but I just wished he had been the same when it came to us.
I lifted my phone again and scrolled to the contact I needed to call as I felt a tear fall, causing me to rapidly wipe it away, hiding any evidence of my crying over that man, again.
"Hey girl," she answered with little dejection to what I could tell she already knew about, "I was planning to call but work has been so hectic. April told me about what happened, I'm so—"
"It's fine, Val," I let another tear, "I just really needed someone to talk to right now."
"Do you want me to come over?"
"No, don't worry, it's fine. But I do need a huge favour and I'm so sorry it's last minute—"
"Of course I can look after Riley," she presently confirmed without me even having to ask. I'd always felt awful about using my friends as babysitters but they would always reassure me that they were here and that they were happy to help. "When do you want me?"
"Tomorrow morning at around 11?"
"I'll be there. Plans with Nathan I'm assuming?"
"It's actually Josh," a similar gasp to April's sounded on the end of the line. "He just wants to explain a few things, and I think I need the closure that I never really had from him."
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm seeing Harvey tomorrow night."
"You're kidding!" I took another gulp of my wine and sat up properly. Where my story was rather shocking, hers was more exciting. Harvey and Valentina were a very different kettle of fish to my situation with Josh.
"Nope, he texted me the other day, asked if I was free for a drink."
"Do you think him and Josh still speak?"
"They're best friends, Savannah. But whatever comes up, especially if it's anything to do with what Josh might have said about you, you'll be the first to know, I promise."
"Thank you, Val," I took a deep breath and gazed back down to the transcript again, "how is your life treating you so good yet I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself by reading over an interview with my ex-boyfriend while his child sleeps next door and yet I have plans to meet him tomorrow?"
"You're right, my life is definitely going a lot better than that."
"Shut up!" She laughed as we continued talking, helping me to fill the time between staring at Josh's words and then thinking about him again.
He occupied every thought of mine through the night, up until the point that Riley was waking me and I was needing to get myself ready to see the person I couldn't get out of my head. Valentina arrived at the apartment just a little before 11, reassuring me that she came to help me get ready and to somehow show Josh 'what he's missing.'
"Try this on," she threw me a dress from my wardrobe as I sat on my bed with Riley beside me. She always looked up to Valentina, mostly because she was like the walking and talking barbie doll that I just wasn't. Riley would always copy Valentina with admiration, a gesture of hers that would always make me smile.
The dress was a beautiful floral sage colour and casually suited to a walk in the park on a day that happened to be warmer than most. It fell just half-way down my thighs and was decorated with thin straps, covered with relaxed over-sized cardigan to match.
"It's perfect, right?" Valentina flattened out her hand to Riley, to which she quickly high-fived it with a giddy smile.
"You look so pretty, mommy!"
"Thank you sweetie," I moved forward to pull her into a tight hug, "you be good for Aunty Val, I'll be back in just over an hour to give you a great big hug again."
Valentina had also helped me with my hair to make the natural waves fall perfectly while my make up was rather simple looking, keeping it as natural as I could in order to avoid perspiration that may coat my features in the heat.
I hated that it seemed I was trying too hard for the person that could never be mine again. And although I didn't want to show what he was missing, I was determined to show him what and who he truly lost when he left me four years ago.
The subway was grossly hot as I made my way to Battery Park, a place I had not yet visited since Josh and I used to come together. I'd avoided it completely through the first couple years after our break up but with moving elsewhere and with welcoming Riley into the world, I simply never made time for it, making stepping into the park again a foreign feeling.
The place I recollected us going to a lot was a beautiful spot in view of the water and of the Statue of Liberty. It was beside a tall lamppost, one I had printed to memory once I finally recognised it and the tall familiar man standing beside it. We would always come to look out at the water, whatever weather, and would use the time to reminisce in silence. It was the spot I always assumed he would propose at, as if that presumption was realistic at the time, long before that idea was thrown out the window.
Josh hadn't yet spotted me as I made my way over. He was dressed rather casual, like myself, wearing a pair of smart jeans with a plain white shirt and a dark brown coloured jacket on top. Even the back of him was mesmerisingly perfect, most likely being able to attract more than just his fiancé.
He was oddly smoking a cigarette, something I never knew him to do before. But then I guessed a lot of things changed, the birth of my child being a very important one to me.
"That's new."
My voice was barely a whisper when I stepped up beside him, crossing my arms over and looking out to the familiar view we used to enjoy.
"This is a one off," I could tell it must have been stress-induced by the way his foot tapped incessantly beside me. He finally looked down and turned to where I was standing, losing his concentration in the process. "You look—wow, you look—you look really good, Savannah."
He scratched the back of his head with hesitation, unsure as to what to say next. I stayed quiet, allowing the pondering to occur silently from where he was. With his request to meet, I refused to carry any conversation that he wanted with me, he didn't deserve that from the person that he so easily pushed away before.
"Thanks."
"Can we sit?" He pointed over to an unoccupied bench, still with the view that I couldn't deny I loved. I moved before he did, taking the lead to sit down and allowing him to collect his words and formulate what he needed to say to me to make me feel even worse than before.
"I can tell you don't want to be here."
"Really? How did you guess?"
"Please, Savannah. Can we just talk like—"
"I'm listening like an adult Josh, just tell me what you want to say to me so I can finally leave. I have somewhere else I need to be."
A lie.
"Where do you need to be?"
There was both a physical and mental distance between us, one I'm sure he created for himself over the years. He had all this time to give me closure and yet he chooses to do it when I finally felt free.
"You stopped needing to know about those things four years ago, Josh."
"For fuck sake, Savannah. Please stop with these comments. I get it, I fucked up. You act like I haven't been thinking about you and what I did to you all those years ago."
"If you were thinking so much about it, you would have done this a lot sooner, preferably maybe—I don't know—when we actually broke up."
"There's so much you don't know about that."
I turned to face him and propped my elbow up onto the back of the bench.
"Enlighten me then."