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WAIT!
Can I just take a moment and say... Toni Mahfud....Enough said. Okay. Now I will stop. For sure. Continue the chapter!
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Nawal's POV
Although I am being harsh and mean, there's this little part of my heart that breaks seeing him sad. But at the same time, I feel doing this is the right thing albeit I am in no right state to think what is right and what is wrong. All the rational part of me flew away. At times when I feel pity for that man, the memories flash across my eyes. I can't do this. I can't just let him pretend nothing happened, or rather, he didn't did anything. I won't let him go boss around this time. Before I was waiting for the right time, but enough is enough. If I see him doing something good, my heart will go soft and then I might forgive him. Which will lead to what? Pain. Abuse. Filthy words. I want him to stay away from me and my sister. I deserve to live a peaceful life.
I think about that dream that I somehow still remember every second of it. Even if I was trying to ignore, it kept on coming, reminding me. It really felt like it was a....message. Message that is trying to say something but I can't fathom. Aadil saying not all good is good and not bad is all bad? What does that mean? At this moment, my mind doesn't even want to understand anything.
After waiting for two hours and he still didn't came. I wonder what he is doing right now. 'Probably planning how to manipulate me or worse, kill me.' I thought bitterly. I still feel the pain in my body but thanks to the medicines, it numbs the pain instantly. Wish it could numb my heart and brain too.
Aziza is in her room, doing her homework. What kind of sister am I that doesn't keep track on how my sister is doing in her studies? I don't even know when her last year of school is going to end. The guilt is growing and making me feel worse. Before I think what I am doing, I knocked on her door before entering the room. She looks too focused in doing her homework that she didn't realized I entered. I called her a few times and then she looked from her books. Masha Allah. By looking, I can tell she really is doing well in school.
"Hey sis. What brings you here?"
"Well, first of all, I am sorry." She looks confused and raised her eyebrow, telling me to continue.
"I..uh..well...I know you hate how I don't ask you about your school and about your ambitions and I know you probably hate me for not being the ideal sister, so that's why I am sorry. I should have focused on you too. Do you need anything? Just tell me and I'll bring for you. Don't hesitate to ask me, okay? I know this looks all weird to you but I am mad at myself! If I don't check on you, then who will do it? I don't expect anybody's help. With Naushin back to her country, you are my complete responsibility. I am so, so, so sorry Aziza. By the way, when is your school ending? How is your school? Do you enjoy there? Are they any bullies trying to bully you? Just tell me and I will make su-"
"Take a deep breathe Naw."
Before I could continue, Aziza hugged me, making me stop and I hugged her back. After a few seconds she let go of me and it was her turn to talk.
"No worries, my dear sis. Everything is going well. And stop saying sorry. What you did is enough for me. And no, I don't hate you. How can I? Yeah I was mad at times when I needed you the most but you weren't there for me. But I understand why. I am not holding a grudge towards you. And school is going to end soon. In a few months. Also, stop worrying! School is good, I've got great friends and nobody bullies me. Even if they try, they know not to mess with me." She showed me her evil smile. I shook my head. She will never change.
"So, tell me something else. Oh! You got any crush? He better be good looking!" I was just teasing her but by the looks of her face flushing and looking somewhat embarrassed made me think if there is any.
"There is, isn't it? Tell me who is he! He better have good looks and not someone who looks like he could be your brother and not husband."
"Oh shut it! Look, I have crap ton of homework to do, there's this assignment I need to submit tomorrow and oh! I just remembered having a test and an essay to finish! We will talk later, ok? Go and have rest. See you!" With that, she pushed me out of her room. Hmm. Something is definitely going on. But I won't annoy her. She is mature for her age and I trust her to not make any wrong decisions.
I was about to go and lay when I saw the devil incarnate making his way. It's now or never. Let's get done with it.
"I need to talk to you. My room." I didn't said much but when I looked to see if he following me, I saw this tiny shine in his eyes because I talked without any argument. Well, let's see for how long it remains.
After we entered, I locked the door so Aziza doesn't interrupt our conversation. He looked as if something good is about to happen. So wrong. I sighed heavily and without beating around the bush, I told him.
"I want divorce."
Three words and that made him lose everything. He looked shocked, first of all. There's all sad emotions showing on his face, maybe anger for a while. He should have known this would come someday.
"What? What are you saying? It's probably medicines working. Lay down, Nawal. We will talk later when you are back to your sense." He almost looked convinced by his talk. But his eyes said the truth - he was ignoring it. Trying to dodge my statement. But he is wrong. Oh, so wrong.
"Just shut the hell up. Aadil, you know clearly that I am not joking here. And neither it's the damn medicines. What, you really think I will simply forget this and forgive you? Who do you think I am? I should applaud for your amazing acting skills. Concern for me? Especially that part receives an Oscar. I still don't believe how you can act the good guy, when, just a few days ago, you acted like devil. Yes. I am comparing you. I want nothing from you anymore. Leave me and my sister alone. Oh, wait. I will be leaving you. Soon. In Sha Allah."
Before there was only a tiny part of my heart that was in pain, and now I feel my entire heart is paining. Seeing his expression makes me want to take back everything I said. Half of them weren't even true. I try my best to keep my face blank but I see the part of the dream where I hug Aadil in my brain. Seeing how heartbroken he looks, I wanted to hug him. But...I can't. This is the right thing to do. I did the same mistake in my country, but not here. I have suffered much. Too much. Yet, a mean part of me wants to stay with him. I never felt lonely as I am feeling right now.
"You don't mean it. I know you don't. You are doing this because in your mind you think it is right. But it is not. I am not saying to forgive me this instant and let's go and have fun in another place. All I am saying is, don't do this. Please. Let me make it up to you. I know it sounds silly, but I will do anything for you to forgive me and my mistakes. It will take time, but don't. I will not force you to stay here, I know that will be very selfish of me. But I want to be selfish, for you. Can't we start from the beginning? Please hayati, I need you. Don't leave me alone just like the rest. I can't stay alive without you, hayati."
And he pulled me for a hug, just like in that dream. He was hugging me too tightly, pressing my head to his chest where I heard his heart beating faster than usual. He hugged me as if I will disappear from his sight this instant. I felt this warm feeling inside of me. Of not letting him go. Even if I was afraid of him, this moment made me feel comfortable. I almost lost it when he called me hayati. God, this is happening just like in the dream!
I raised my arms to hug him back and that's when I snapped out. I shouldn't be doing this. What did he meant by others leaving him too? I didn't focused on that and tried pushing him. Keyword - tried. He won't let me go. What kind of person he is! After all of this?
"Aadil. Stop. Get off me!" I tried pushing him again and he finally let me go. Don't know why but I suddenly felt cold. When I saw his face, I was in deep shock. He was crying. With all of his emotions showing clearly and his tears, that made me feel like the worst person. He looked like the person whose heart is broken more than he could handle. But will I allow him to use me as his slave? That when he wants to be nice, I too have to do the same? And when he shows his bad side, will I allow him to use me as a punching bag?
No.
"You know, you don't have to be this dramatic." Yes, because I am being one right now. "I mean, you did wanted me dead at one point. You could've and you still can kill me and nobody will know. That's what you're good at. The famous Aadil Sheikh having trouble in his life? What a joke. I guess you were the major reason why others left you." Low blow, Nawal. Low blow. "If I stay with you or be near you, I don't know what am I going to do."
"I love you. I really do. It hurts knowing I cause the damage you are in, but try to understand me. I-"
A humorless laugh escaped from my mouth on hearing those words. "Love? Me?" I have waited for so long to hear from him. I don't feel anything now. But I am not sure what explanation to give for my heart that's beating at not a normal speed.
"What a sad confession. I thought I liked you before." Lie. I still have these damn feelings. "But, what's the use of it now? It seems like you've got no other choice but to say those words forcefully, just for me to stay with you. I might be stupid, but not this much stupid to understand what you are trying to do. And understand you? What do you mean by that? Try to understand why you abused your wife because you love her? Try to understand why you forced her to get married? Try to understand why you threatened my sister just for the sake of marriage?"
By seeing his eyes go wide, I knew he didn't expected me to know.
"Yes. And no, my sister didn't said a word. I discovered this little detail on my own long time back. After doing all of this, do you really tell me to understand you? What is there to even understand? This is just ridiculous. You are being ridiculous. I'm done with you Aadil. Let me live. In peace. With no daily dramas. And don't you think I will ever leave my sister with you. Either you get done with the procedure of divorce papers, or I will do it. Leave. This conversation is over."
"But..."
"I SAID LEAVE!" I could feel my facade slowly crumbling. If he is not leaving right now, I might cry infront of him and all of this will go in the trash.
"I really love you. I really do. This is not fake."
And with that he left my room. As soon as he left, the first tear fell and the tearing kept on falling. I don't even know for how long I cried and this question, 'why am I even crying?' Repeatedly played in my mind.
This...this feels like the end of something. But why do I have this urge to hold onto something that I haven't got?
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_____THE END_____
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