heavy trigger warning for anxiety/panic attacks
Awsten has a panic attack.
Geoff has to practically carry him into the car. He has his cane and he's trying to use it, but his hands are shaking so badly that he keeps dropping it. The little he's able to use it proves only to be a hindrance, as Geoff watches him jerk it all over the place and run into a fire hydrant, one that he hypothetically should've known was there.
The car ride is punctuated by his heaving sobs. Geoff keeps one hand on the steering wheel and rubs his back with the other, tries to reach for his hand. Awsten snatches it away and curls into himself. His knees come up to his chest and his head goes down into them. He keeps sobbing.
They're the worst kind. Ragged. Choked. It sounds like someone's trying to come up his throat, tearing holes in his vocal chords as they dig their talons into the lining of his esophagus and try to crawl all way up. They're ripping his throat open, shredding the pieces that float in the form of nausea down into his stomach. Awsten dry heaves once, twice – a third time that has Geoff just about ready to pull over – but nothing comes up except snot and mucus and the guttural sound of the cries tearing themselves out of his throat.
He breaks all sorts of traffic laws and almost runs two red lights in his haste to get to the hospital. His heart is racing and his hands are shaking too. The feeling is there, it's back, it's like a dormant disease that has been reactivated and is now snaking its way around to the front of his skull, dripping down his throat and into the pit of his stomach.
What's going on what's happening is Otto okay Otto has to be okay Awsten's not okay if Otto's not okay nothing's okay everything is falling apart it's all falling apart fuckfuckfuck- He forces a breath in, bites his lip, and exhales.
You cannot fall apart. You cannot fall apart right now. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.
Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.
He opens his door and slides out of the car, and then moves around to the other side. He opens the door and puts a hand on Awsten's shoulder, slowly curls his fingers around the muscle and helps Awsten out of the car, pulls him into a hug as soon as his feet touch the ground.
Awsten's face immediately finds his neck and he cries, presses so close and burrows so deep. Geoff stretches around him to shut the car door and hits the button on his keys to lock it. And then he wraps his free arm around Awsten and squeezes as tight as possible, "it's gonna be okay, sunshine. He's gonna be okay, I promise."
Awsten needs you more than you need to panic.
...
He can't breathe.
He can't breathe he can't think he can't move-
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckOttoaccidentdeaddyinggonefuckfuckfuck
Accident hurt hospital fuckfuckfuck nonononono- he can't breathe he can't move he can't see it's stars it's all stars the black is moving it's all moving he's dizzy everything is moving why is everything moving who tipped the world on its side it's a ball isn't it but balls aren't supposed to move why is it moving why is everything moving it's not supposed to be moving why is it moving-
His chest hurts everything hurts it all hurts fuckfuckfuck- there are stingers pressing into his skin, ants that have woken from their seemingly-decade long rest, swarming around under his skin, pushing against the walls and finally managing to tear through, pushing, swarming, burning, stinging. It stings it hurts it burns he doesn't know why it's happening he wants it to stop it won't stop why the fuck won't stop why won't any of this stop stopstopstop-
He can hear someone talking to him. The voice is fuzzy at its edges. It sounds far away. Where am I what's going on what's happening why can't I breathe it hurts it hurts it hurts fuck pleasepleaseplease stopstopstop I can't do this it hurts too much please stop stop stop stop-
He feels something- someone's pressing into his shoulders someone's on him someone's touching him why are they touching him get off go away nonononono- "n-no," he forces out. The word doesn't even sound like one. Talking sends more licks of flame up his throat. They burn against what's left of his vocal chords. Everything is in pieces, chips off a block and dust in the air, swirling around in the wind to eventually settle in a pile of debris at the bottom of his chest cavity that plants and roots and attaches himself to the bone, a friendly reminder of the last hour's events.
it hurts it hurts it hurts can't breathe Otto where's Otto I need him I can't do this I can't do it it hurts OttoOttoOtto where's Otto I need Otto I need him where is he why isn't he here it won't stop he makes it stop it won't stop he makes it stop it won't stop-
"...love," he makes out. He blinks and tries to swallow. His chest hurts he still can't breathe everything hurts the world is still spinning it won't stop moving why won't it stop it won't fucking stop- "...Aws..."
"C-Can't," he chokes. A cough from his chest. It burns. "B-Breathe..."
"You can." The voice is starting to get clearer. He knows it. He forces down another swallow. Pressing against the lump in his throat brings a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, hotredwet. The hotredwet keeps coming and coming and coming, until his neck feels slimy and his cheeks have been set aflame. "You're doing so well, sunshine. Just another few deep breaths for me? Everything's gonna be okay, I promise."
He tries. He makes himself look at Geoff, forces his eyes to meet his, grips his hands as tight as he can, and tries to breathe with him. He tries. But the cup is overflowing and there's no more blood in his veins and all he knows is panic. All he knows is small spaces with no air left, a vacuum sucking everything he has from him, staring a him with those evil eyes as the perpetrator blows on the hose, all 'you thought this air was for you? god, that's funny. you don't get anymore. you don't get anymore ever' and collapsing into a fit of giggles, watching him gasp and clutch his chest and scream, pop the life preserver while in front of his desperate eyes.
He can always see in his dreams.
But this, this is not a dream. This is a nightmare and he wants to wake up he wants to be home in his own bed away from all this he wants to be away why is this happening why is this his life OttoOttoOtto why can't he breathe why is it so hard why is he so fucked up why did this have to happen he can't breathe where's Otto he can't breathe where's Otto he can't breathe-
OttoOttoOttoOttoOtto.
"Otto," he whispers. Everything is fuzzy. The world is spinning. He doesn't remember anything else.
Otto.
...
Awsten wakes up not even ten minutes later.
He contemplates checking him into a bed of his own – they are in a hospital, after all – but ten he really mulls the idea around in his head, imagines all the times he was waking up in a hospital bed after a really bad panic attack, and stops.
It was a panic attack. A severe one. He'll be fine.
And he was. It took him a minute to get his bearings and adjust, but once he did, a sort of silence fell over him that eclipsed him entirely, like someone had drawn a shade, a barrier, between the two of them. They took his color in one motion.
And now he's sitting sideways in one of the hard plastic chairs, staring off into space, with silent tears streaming down his cheeks. They don't know Otto's status or what the doctors are even doing to him. All they were told is that he's in surgery, has been for two hours, and no one has any idea when he'll be out. No one has any idea of anything. They don't give a shit how worried he is, how terrified Awsten is, nothing. Awsten is Otto's emergency contact and therefore the person they're required to give any updates, but so far, there haven't been any.
Awsten gives another tiny whimper. He swallows at the sound, leans against the plastic arm of his chair and over to put a hand on his shoulder. He pulls his lip in with his teeth and presses down as hard as he can. Awsten needs you more than you need to panic. "It's gonna be okay, sunshine. He's gonna be okay, I promise."
"S-stop." Awsten's voice cracks so badly. It sounds wrecked. It's so hoarse and dry. He thinks of the vending machine they passed in the hallway, turns his head in the direction of the archway connecting the rooms, wonders if he's okay to slip out and get Awsten a bottle of water...
He slides his arm behind Awsten's back and stretches over the arm of the chair to wrap his other one across Awsten's chest. He tries.
Awsten shoves against him, presses against his chest and curls further into himself.
He stares. He doesn't know what's going on. He doesn't know what just happened. He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know how to do anything. He doesn't know he doesn't know he doesn't know-
"Aws?" He tests, keeping his voice low. "I'm here, sunshine. Let me hold you. You're not alone through any of this, I promise."
Silence.
"Aws?"
"Don't."
"W-What?" What the fuck is going on what's happening what is this what-
Awsten finally looks back at him. And when he speaks next, the words are thick and end in a new flood of tears, "you're suffocating me! I can't do this. It's too much. I just- I need-" He pauses with a sob. "I need him." Another sob. He looks down at his lap and cries out the last words, "if I had to choose between you and him, I'd choose him!"
so that Big Things on nice numbered chapters lmao yup