Author's Note: So, we're coming up on the end of this story, although there is a sequel. Next chapter is the last chapter.
I didn't do this.
Burying my head into my pillow even more, I grip the sheets tightly when I start getting the feeling like I'm gonna cry again.
I couldn't have. That's not what the spell was supposed to do. It was only supposed to let me speak to Faith when she was in a coma. And it did that. There has to be some other explanation, there has to be. Candy had to do something. She had to... because if she didn't then it might really be my fault, and it's not my fault.
The sound of a key turning in a lock and a door opening leaves me frozen in my bed.
She's home... Buffy's home... Buffy can make this all right. She can make everything better. She has to. She stayed behind at the dojo to make sure that the reversal spell worked and everything was okay again. But it can't be okay because something else is going on. Whatever they did to reverse the spell on Faith, it can't have worked because the spell I did on Faith wasn't the only thing that did this to her, if it even had anything to do with it at all.
I turn myself over in bed and comb out my hair before getting up and heading out of my room.
Buffy can tell me how this isn't my fault.
My sister looks pretty stressed as I see her starting to unwind in the main hall of our apartment.
This has to be a good sign. Whatever spell they did probably didn't work and now she's frustrated about it.
"The spell... what happened?"
We make eye contact and my sister has a bit of a confused expression on her face.
"Nice to see you too Dawn..."
She's avoiding talking about it. That's a good sign for me. It has to be.
"It didn't work, did it? The reversal spell, it didn't work because there's something else going on."
Buffy gives me this confused and annoyed look.
"The reversal spell went fine. Willow worked out the incantation and now Faith is back to normal."
What?
"What?"
"She's fine Dawn. Whatever magic that was connecting the two of you is broken and everything is back to being as normal as our lives can ever get."
But... that doesn't make any sense.
"How?"
"Well, the way Willow explains it, the spell that you did is supposed to create a two way connection between people who want to find a way to understand each other better by feeling each other's feelings. But because Faith was in a coma at the time, her brain wasn't functioning on a high enough level to create the connection both ways, so it became a one way street of feelings. All upload to her, no download from you. And because she didn't know where those feelings were coming from, if they were strong enough feelings, she was forced to act on them whether she wanted to or not. Willow worked the reversal spell so that there was a loop in the feelings being uploaded to Faith. Eventually the connection overloaded itself and broke the connection."
That can't be.
"I don't understand."
"I'm not really sure I understand either. Willow used a lot more words then that and kinda babbled for a while, but that's what Willow told me and I know her well enough to know she did it right."
"The reversal spell couldn't have worked because it's not my spell that did this to her."
"Dawn..."
"Something else did this to her. It had to."
"But it didn't Dawn. It was your spell."
I look at my sister.
Why is she saying that?
"It wasn't. It couldn't be."
I need to think. Something must've happened. Something must've changed.
"C-Candy must've done something to make it seem like this was my fault."
Buffy comes up to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Dawn, I'm worried about you. Faith's been acting strangely and doing things that really worried me, and if she really was channeling whatever you were feeling when she did them, then you're in a lot more trouble then I even realized you were."
Her other hand grips my other shoulder a little more firmly.
"You need help Dawn. Let me help you."
Why does she always do that?
Turning my shoulders away from her, I shake myself free of her touch.
"Why do you always have to talk to me like I'm some screwed up kid who needs help?"
My sister tries to step towards me but I take a few steps back myself, keeping my distance.
"I'm not a screwed up kid. I'm just me. And even if it was my spell that was making Faith do all those things, I didn't mean to. It's not like I told her to do what she did. You may not understand that, but Faith will."
I put my hand out and keep Buffy away from me as I head to where my shoes are and pick them up to put them on.
"Faith always understands. She doesn't treat me like some stupid kid."
It takes me a second but I get my left shoe on and tied, putting on the right one.
"Dawn, that's... that's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to help."
Doesn't feel like it.
"Then stop trying to help me."
She looks down at my feet as I get my right shoe on.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to see the one person who won't judge me. Someone who loves me for me."
Taking the doorknob in my hand, I stop when my sister speaks.
"Dawn, I'm not sure that going to see Faith is the best idea right now."
"It's better than staying here."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that."
I open the door a bit and turn to face my sister.
"Why?"
Buffy slowly takes a deep breath.
"Dawn... when I said that Faith was fine earlier, I was mostly referring specifically to the spell."
What?
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You were there when Faith left the dojo, but you weren't there when she came back. The way she looked when she came back... she looked pretty roughed up."
Roughed up?
"She didn't really talk about it, but she looked like she'd gotten into a serious fight. Her clothes were all dirty and she had a few scrapes and bruises. Whatever she fought, it obviously wasn't just any demon at a demon bar. And she didn't exactly leave in a better mood then when she left the first time. It's probably a good idea to leave her alone for a while and let her calm down."
There's no way I'm sticking around here.
"If Faith's angry about something, then I'll talk to her about it and we'll work things out. We always do."
After that, I turn around and leave the apartment and Buffy behind.
* * *
With my feet firmly planted in front of Faith's door, I raise my hand to knock on it but then I kinda freeze.
It's... it's gonna be okay. Faith will understand. She always understands. No matter what happens or how I screw up, Faith always understands, and she'll understand this time too.
My eyes drift to my hand, still frozen in the air about to knock.
But what if she doesn't? What if this time is different and she doesn't understand? What would I do? Faith means so much to me, I love her. And... she loves me. She loves me and really understands me. She'll understand that I didn't mean for any of this to happen and I wasn't trying to hurt her.
Finally I manage to knock on the door, waiting for Faith to answer.
She has to understand.
After what seems like a forever of silence, the door finally swings open really hard.
"WHAT?"
The sound of her voice and the look on her face makes me take two steps back. It takes her a second to realize that it's me, but that only calms her down a little bit.
"Oh... Dawn..."
She doesn't even look sad to see me. She looks angry. It kinda scares me.
"You're gonna wanna go home."
Faith doesn't even blink as she turns away to close the door in my face but I step into the door and stop her.
"Faith, wait... stop."
She turns her head to look at me but doesn't bother to let the door open any wider.
"I came because I wanted to talk."
"Yeah, well, sometimes we don't get the things we want DK. Besides, I'm not exactly in the talking mood."
"Uh, okay, well... I kinda wanted to tell you some stuff. So if you don't want to talk, you could always just listen."
"I'm not really in a listening mood either. Look, Dawn, you really need to go."
Why is she acting like this?
"Why?"
"Because if you don't, I'm gonna end up hurting you."
Faith tries to push the door closed more and I push back, eventually Faith lets go of the door and turns away from me and walks into her apartment. I follow her in.
"You would never hurt me Faith, I know that."
There's a few moments where she doesn't say anything and I hear her let out a deep breath.
"Too bad I can't say the same for you, eh DK?"
"W-what?"
"You cast a spell on me."
"Whet... I... that, wasn't supposed to... I didn't mean for that to happen. The spell, it was just supposed to let me talk to you. I just wanted to t-talk to you on our anniversary. None of this was supposed to happen."
"Just because you didn't mean it, doesn't mean it didn't happen Dawn. What you did really hurt me. Not only did you put a spell on me, but you lied about it to me. I thought we had a deal Dawn. When we got back together, we made the same promise to each other that we made when we first got together. We were gonna be completely honest with each other. But when we made that promise, you were lying to me."
"I'm, sorry."
"The way I've been thinking and feeling and acting the past couple weeks, I kinda felt out of control. Every time I felt something, I had to second guess whether or not the feelings were mine. Try to figure out whether what I felt was me or just some big evil thing trying to get me to do what it wanted. Nothing about that felt good."
"Well... you don't have to feel that way anymore. The, the spell is broken. You can go back to not having to worry about any of that. And, and I'll help in any way I can."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea Dawn. The last couple of decisions you've made to try and help us haven't really worked out all that great."
"Okay... just, tell me what I can do to make things better for you and I'll do it. Whatever you need..."
"Dawn, I really don't want to have to do this. I think you should just go and I'll talk to you later."
"No, Faith, tell me. Tell me what you need so I can help."
She doesn't say anything for what feels like the longest time.
"I need for us to break up."
She what?
"W-what?"
Faith takes a long deep breath.
"I'm breaking up with you."
I don't understand.
"Why?"
"Because, it's the only good thing that I can do for us anymore... for you, and for me. No matter how good we try to make things with us, we always end up hurting each other somehow. And I, can't do that anymore Dawn. I just can't. We'd only end up in worse shape then we are now, and I love you too much to let that happen."
She really wants to break up with me?
"For, for how long?"
My girlfriend kinda looks at the floor with a sad look on her face.
"For good, Dawn..."
No, no she can't do this.
"Faith... we can, we can work through this. We... like we did before, you know? We can make this better."
She runs a hand through her hair.
"Except that we didn't before Dawn."
"W-what?"
"The night you came over and we got back together, I didn't want us to. There was a part of me that still hoped that we'd work things out and get back together, but when you came over, I knew that now was not the right time for that to happen."
The woman I love and who's supposed to love me back, pauses for a second.
"When we kissed, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. But even though so many parts of me were sure that getting back together with you was wrong, there was this part of me that just wouldn't let me say no to you. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, I had to be with you even though I knew it might ruin what we have."
She was fighting against wanting to be with me? Why would she do that?
"And the only reason I can come up with that makes any sense about why I would do that... is the spell you put on me."
This can't be happening. She can't be doing this to us.
"You forced us back together before either of us was ready, and took my choice from me. That's not something I'm sure I can really get over."
She... she needs, time. Okay... I can, I can do that...
"You, you want me to give you time to get over it? I'll... I can, I'll do that if you want me to. I can go away, like we did before you know? We'll just, you know, take a break. You can work on forgiving me for the spell, and I... I can think about what I did and... and then we can get back together later. How about that?"
"I can't do that Dawn. Not this time."
"Well... why not?"
She looks down at the ground and I know that she's trying hard not to cry.
Maybe I'm getting to her. Maybe we can work this out.
"Because, being with you is starting to hurt more than help. And I may not know a lot about relationships, but I know enough to know that when it feels like that... it's wrong. We're wrong."
She's... she's really doing this. How... how can she do this to me? How can she do this to us?
Suddenly, I really want to hit her.
"It doesn't feel wrong to me. It feels right. We're the only thing in my life that feels anything close to right."
"But it's not. You might not feel it, but I do. And I can't be with you if it feels wrong."
My fist clenches up as she tries not to look at me.
"Well... well, who the hell are you to say what's wrong? You're a... you're a MURDERER! What the hell makes you think you have any idea what's right and wrong? Because last I checked, killing people was wrong, but you did it."
Faith looks at me with a really hurt look on her face and part of me feels really good about that.
"Dawn... this isn't about what I did before we were together. This is about what you did to me in a coma."
"Yeah well, maybe I shouldn't be taking lessons in right and wrong from a killer."
She gets angry and it kinda makes me feel better.
"Dawn, I might've killed people, but even when I was, I knew it was wrong. It's the reason I had to stop. But no matter how many times you lie to someone or do something you're not supposed to, it doesn't seem to stop you from doing it again. And I... I can't be with someone like that. Not when I know that part of the reason you keep doing these things, is me."
She's... she's not different. She doesn't understand me the way no one else does. She only cares about what she thinks is right. She doesn't care what I think.
Neither of us says anything for a second.
Well if that's what she wants... screw her.
"FINE... fine if that's what you want then go ahead. Break up with me. We're broken up. Is that what you want? Are you happy now?"
Her face looks hurt.
"No, I'm not."
"Good, cause you don't deserve to be happy. You deserve to rot in hell."
She kinda steps forward to reach out for me and I step back.
"Dawn, I'm sorry. I didn't want things to end this way. I wanted us to be better."
Sure she didn't.
"Yeah well, sometimes we don't get the things we want Faith."
Again she tries to reach out to me. This time I don't move back but only so I can pull my fist back and throw it at her. Faith catches it at the last second.
"Dawn..."
I don't even wanna look at this bitch anymore.
I pull my hand back, trying to get it out of her grip and she lets it go.
"If I never see you again, it'll be too soon."
After that, I just turn around and head for the door. She doesn't say anything as I leave.