Shawn
I don't know why, but Grace's pediatrician appointments made me nervous. I always spent the entire visit in fear of hearing something was wrong with her. When she got her first vaccine, it destroyed me. I couldn't stand it that I was allowing someone to jab a needle into my sweet girl's thigh. Obviously I knew shots were necessary, but I hated them.
"Relax, Shawn. There are no shots this visit, but get ready because she gets a bunch next time," Mallory told me as we drove to the doctor's office.
"What's this visit for?" I asked as I maneuvered through downtown Toronto traffic.
"The doctor wants to check her weight. She was a little low at the last visit, remember? It should be really quick."
I laughed. "She eats all the time. I can't believe she's not getting enough milk."
"Actually, it could be a problem with me. My boobs might not be producing enough. I'm really hoping that she's gained enough today, or we might have to supplement her with formula," Mal explained.
"That wouldn't be the end of the world," I said, pulling into a parking spot.
"I'd be upset. I want to nurse her."
"Sorry. Then yeah, I hope she's gained, too."
We were soon in an exam room, since we were taken directly there through the back door. I wasn't sure if it was a perk or a nuisance that fame entitled me to entering and exiting privately.
"Let's see Miss Gracie today," Dr. Richards said as he walked in the office, his arms extended.
He held her for a moment before setting her on the exam table to look her over.
"Do you mind undressing her so that we can get a weight?" he asked.
I quickly removed her clothes and diaper and prayed she didn't decide to pee or poop while in this state. Twice now she'd pooped in her little bathtub, so I knew my fear was justified.
The doctor put her on the scale. He then handed her back to me to redress. After typing her weight on his iPad, he turned to us.
"She's up 9 ounces, which is excellent."
I could see the relief on Mallory's face.
"So I can continue to breastfeed her exclusively?" she asked.
"Yes. She has her two month check-up in a couple weeks, and we'll continue to monitor her weight, but I doubt this will be a problem. Just continue to feed her whenever she's hungry."
When we got back to the car and had Grace secured in the back seat, I turned to Mal. "Want to go out to lunch?"
"We've never taken Gracie out before," she said.
"I know. But there's a first time for everything. We should celebrate her weight gain and your productive boobs."
"Okay. Let's do it."
We went to a favorite restaurant of mine that wasn't too far from home. It was a burger place and they served the best poutine in Toronto.
"I've never had poutine," Mallory said as she stared at it. I'd ordered a large portion for us to share.
"It's delicious," I said, picking up some fries, making sure I had cheese curds and gravy on the bite.
She took some and tried it. "Okay, I'll admit, that's way better than I thought it would be."
Grace was on the big table in her car seat, sound asleep. Mal had nursed her in the parking lot to ensure that she'd be less fussy. Not that she was a very difficult baby. She cried occasionally, but as long as we changed her or fed her, she'd immediately go back to being happy.
She'd started smiling within the last few days, which was pretty much the best thing I'd ever seen in my life. I'd just finished burping her and had laid her down on my thighs. Mallory was next to me, and we were both talking to her. Suddenly, she smiled at me. She then looked at her mama and smiled at her, too. Mal grabbed her phone and captured several photos. These went on instagram, and garnered several million likes. My fans loved the baby pics I posted.
Our burgers arrived as we finished the plate of poutine.
"I talked to my mom this morning," I said. "While I'm in the studio, she's going to try to stop by every day mid-morning for a long visit. That way you can have a little time to yourself, maybe nap."
"She doesn't have to do that," Mal said.
"It's an excuse for her to spend time with her granddaughter. Believe me, she's thrilled to do it. I'm sure my dad will come by, too."
"Did you set the studio schedule?"
"I think the plan is to start early, work maybe six hours, take a break, and then work at night for another four hours. I'll come home during the break each day."
"From what you've told me, the creative process is not quite so regimented. You are sure you can work that way?" she asked.
"I don't know. I'm going to try, though. Obviously if a song is coming along great, I'll work longer. I'll call you to let you know if that's happening."
"You do what it takes to make the best possible album. Gracie and I will be fine."
"I wish you'd reconsider a nanny," I said. "Just for when I'm recording or out of town."
Mallory shook her head and frowned. "No way. I don't want or need anyone hovering around me all day."
"Not even when I go to Europe in September?"
I had committed to performances in England, Germany, and Portugal, and I was going away for six days. I was dreading leaving my family but also kind of pumped to perform again. What if Grace forgot me? I was also feeling guilty about leaving Mallory.
"Have some faith in me," Mal said. "We'll be fine."
~~~~~~
The following Monday we were back in the car headed to another appointment. This one was for Mal, though. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Dr. Abbott again.
We parked and went to the side door. A nurse answered it after we pressed the buzzer. We were directed to a room at the back.
Mallory changed into a gown while I turned around to give her some semblance of privacy. My wife's body was completely off-limits to me these days.
"You can look now," she said.
The nurse came in and got Mal's weight and blood pressure. She asked her to get up on the table, which she did.
A few minutes later, Dr. Abbott came in, smiling broadly.
"How are you, Mallory?" she asked.
"I feel great," Mal answered.
I was holding Gracie, so Dr. Abbott turned to me. "Let me see this precious baby."
I handed Grace to her and she held her, baby talking and making funny faces at her. Gracie gave her a huge smile.
"Oh my! Look at that smile!"
She then handed the baby back to me. "How are you, Shawn?" she asked.
My marriage had fallen apart since we'd last seen each other, and I was pretty miserable about that. Seeing her was a harsh reminder of the night that I fucked everything up.
"I'm really good, thanks," I lied.
"Let's get to work here, shall we?" she said.
She had Mal lay back and put her feet in the stirrups. I moved away so that I couldn't see anything, focusing entirely on the baby in my arms.
"Everything looks completely healed. Do you have any pain?"
"No," Mal said.
"No bleeding?"
"None."
"Your breasts feel fine. No lumps or signs of infection. Is nursing going well?"
"Gracie wasn't gaining enough for a bit, but now she is," Mal answered.
"That often happens with first babies. Go ahead and sit up," Dr. Abbott said as she helped Mal out of the stirrups.
I turned back towards the two of them now that the exam was over.
"If you're ready, you are fine to resume sexual intercourse. If you haven't already, that is. I know some couples don't wait for my clearance."
Mallory and I made brief eye contact. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. Mal was blushing, too.
"It's totally okay if you had sex. No need to be embarrassed. Typically, the younger couples like yourselves are much quicker to resume intimacy. As long as you were both comfortable with it, it's fine," she said with a smile.
"We haven't yet," Mal said quietly.
"Then I recommend taking it very slowly at first. If it's uncomfortable, try a lubricant. I'll give you some samples to take home today," the doctor said. "What will you be using for birth control?"
Mal and I looked at each other again. I had no fucking idea any of this was going to be discussed today.
"Condoms," I blurted out since neither of us had answered.
"That's good. Just because you haven't had a period yet doesn't mean you haven't ovulated. Breastfeeding is not effective birth control," she explained.
"I read that," Mallory said.
"I'll give you some condoms, if you need them," Dr. Abbott said.
I didn't have any at home, so I just nodded. This was ridiculous, of course. It's not like we'd use them.
Before we left, she gave us a little goodie bag filled with lube and condom samples. Mallory was to return in a year for an annual check-up.
When we got to the Jeep, I handed Mal the bag. She set it on the floor by her feet.
"That was uncomfortable," she said. "Sorry."
"Uncomfortable is an understatement," I replied.
It sucked to have the Dr. Abbott throw sex in my face like that, though obviously she didn't know our situation. I knew I wouldn't stop thinking about the sex I could be having with my beautiful wife, but that I'd never have.