Why Space Opera Is Still Better Than a Real Opera
I[1] divorced[2] my wife[3] last night.[4] I don't need to explain the reason.[5] But let's just say it involved the Sequel Trilogy[6] to the original[7]Star Wars movies. So, yeah, she's gone. Kicked to the curb.[8] Good riddance.[9]
And there I was, watching her through the window of her hotel room with a pair of high-powered binoculars,[10] contemplating some serious revenge.[11] I needed to act. Making sure my trusty blaster had a fresh charge, I stormed the hotel, booting aside the concierge[12] and slamming my fist against the elevator when I realized I needed a damn keycard to use it.
"Sir, would you please leave?" the concierge asked, hand on his hip. I was tempted to shoot it off, like Han did in IV.[13]
I told him: "You best be quiet, boy, or I'll shove my big gun down your throat and spray it full of blaster juice."[14]
He went red. "Oh. Sir. I didn't know you felt that way about me.[15] I'm— I'm flattered. Shall we meet up... later...?"
"What? No! Get away from me, you freak!" I shot near his feet and he let out a squeal before dancing[16] off to hide beneath the front desk.
"Dick Harding,[17] I take it?" asked a voice from behind.
I spun and saw a tall, muscular, tanned blond-haired man—with one glorious fucking chin—coming out of the elevator. He was beautiful. Just utterly... utterly handsome. So breathtaking. I almost died upon seeing him.[18] "How do you know that?" I asked.[19]
He held out his enormous hand,[20] and he crushed every bone in mine when we shook. "Darth Cunnilingus.[21] Leia's told me so much about you."
"Darth—? Leia—?" I kept blinking. I didn't understand what was happening.[22]
"Yes, Darth is my first name," he said, grinning those perfect white teeth again. My underwear got a little wet.[23] His eyes went wide and he added, "Oh, that's right. You're confused about Leia. I thought you already knew. Your ex-wife changed her name to Leia. You know, like in Star—"[24]
"Yes, I know Star Wars," I hissed. "I don't understand. She hated Star Wars."
He shook his head and chuckled in a self-indulgent way.[25] "No, no. You're mistaken. She hated the Original Trilogy until I managed to... convince her.[26] You see, while you were still married she would always tell me after we had sex—"
"What?"
"Oh, that's right, you don't know," Darth said, grinning. "You're a cuckold,[27] Dick. I was railing Leia pretty much every night she said no to being railed by you.[28] She couldn't stand you, Dick. She hated how you'd treat her like dirt because she enjoyed the Prequel Trilogy and Jar Jar Binks."[29]
"But it's literal cancer," I argued.[30]
Darth put his hand up. "Oh, I know, Dick. You don't need to convince me, believe me.[31] And the Sequel Trilogy"—he lifted one leg and farted[32]—"enough said. But sometimes a man needs to tell a little lie to keep his lady happy, Dick. And you just couldn't do that."
I collapsed against the wall. This was too much to take.[33]
"Well, ta-ta, Dick. I really hope you find what you're looking for in life." He started to leave the hotel lobby.
"Where are you going?"
He stopped and turned. "I'm taking Leia to the opera. And then we're going to have the wildest, rowdiest, dirtiest sex you can imagine. All while we watch Star Wars." He added, "Only the good ones," and then winked at me.
"Will I see you again?" I asked, my heart pounding.
He seemed to seriously think about it. Then he said, "No." Grinned and left.
And that's why I'm sitting in my boxers with my socks nowhere to be found, having sex with myself to Star Wars.[34]
---
[1] Yeah, remember me, motherfucker? No? What, really? You serious? Wow, I'm actually a little insulted. But mostly just hurt. You seriously don't remember me? Huh. That's a real shot to the ego. Okay. Well. Um. I guess you could go read my first adventure, Why Space Opera Is Better Than a Real Opera, from Tevun-Krus #4: Space Opera. I mean, if you want. But you don't have to. It would just, y'know, be kinda cool if you did. Since you don't remember me. No, seriously, you're joking with me, right? Oh...
[2] Okay, so she divorced me. But I had my own bone to pick with her, and I was totally getting around to doing it. She just beat me to the punch, is all.
[3] Wait, you really thought I was kidding about having a wife? You fuckin' numpty. The signs were all there. It was perfectly clear I actually had a wife.
[4] Okay, okay. It didn't happen exactly last night. More like a week or so ago. Or maybe a month? I can't remember. Time is blurring these days. I don't know which drawer my socks are in.
[5] But you know for damn sure I'm about to tell you!
[6] Those hunks of flaming-hot garbage make the Prequel Trilogy look good. Okay, so the second one was actually pretty good, but the first and third? Holy shit.
[7] And therefore better.
[8] ...of the fanciest hotel this side of Mars, the bitch.
[9] I'm cold. And I don't know how to dry my shirts without shrinking them.
[10] The price tag still on. I'm gonna return them at some point. When I get around to doing it.
[11] Maybe I'll scream, "NO, YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! IF I SAY THE FORCE AWAKENS WAS COMPLETE SHIT, THEN IT'S TRUE! I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG!" Yeah, that'll show her.
[12] I asked him nicely if I could go up to see my ex-wife. When he said no, I simply bolted past him.
[13] Don't you dare say he didn't shoot first, scumbag.
[14] What? The terminology is sound. Just because you lack knowledge in this particular field doesn't mean what I said sounded queer.
[15] I told you: It wasn't meant to sound fuckin' gay!
[16] He did the finest moonwalk I've ever seen. Better than Mikey J.
[17] Are you seriously making fun of my name, asshole? I'll have you know, I come from a long, glorious line of Hardings. All of us named Dick. And no, it isn't short for Richard.
[18] He was fucking beautiful, okay? That doesn't make me attracted to men. I can just recognize how someone else would think he's attractive... Yeah.
[19] I mean, it's not like I've got "DICK HARDING" written on my forehead. Wait, do I?
[20] Easily the size of a Christmas turkey, with knuckles like walnuts—or maybe elephant nuts.
[21] Sith for "eater of the dark side."
[22] Fooled ya! I totally understood what was happening.
[23] And not wet in a gay way, either. I just have a problem controlling my bladder.
[24] Fuckin' guy tried to school me about Star Wars! Me!
[25] Fuck he's beautiful. Even when he's being self-indulgent.
[26] Motherfucker! I tried to convince her but she said I was hurting her!
[27] I had my suspicions back when I first started paying guys to fuck her while I watched. But this... this just confirmed it.
[28] And here I was, thinking the Taco Bell actually was giving her diarrhea. How could I be so foolish?
[29] That name! Oh God, that name!
[30] True story. If you look up "cancer" in the dictionary, it just redirects you to the Prequel Trilogy.
[31] Sexy, and smart. A winning combination.
[32] Truer words have never been spoken.
[33] Lying. It was so simple. How could I have been so stupid?
[34] OT or die.