* POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING *
** I am not romanticising or glamourising abuse in anyway, and if you or somebody you know is suffering at the hands of abuse, SPEAK UP!!
*** wasn't going to update, but I had written this chapter in just over an hour and a half, and I'm so happy with it I couldn't wait any longer to publish it.
In less than twenty minutes I was outside my home, the living room light was on and the curtains were partially shut. Either my sister or my mother were sleeping downstairs, or Luna couldn't bare to go to our room without me there. I exited the car, locking it behind me before fumbling with my keys in search of the house key, I was quite excited to go in and just hold Luna again. When you live with somebody and spend almost a night apart after such a fight, you can't help but miss the simplicity of their touch and their presence.
I pushed open the door, quietly closing it behind me. Something thudded quietly in the living room, making me immediately walk towards the noise. There stood Luna, dark bags under her eyes and hands shaking as she held up the empty vase that once rested on the coffee table.
"Put that damn thing down, it's just me," I gasped when she lifted her arm to throw it.
She almost dropped the glass vase from her shaky fingers, shoving it to the soft sofa and hurriedly making her way towards me. A beautiful smile on her face, a few stray tears cascading from her eyes as she threw her arms around my neck. I held her onto my body, inhaling her scent as if I hadn't seen her for months.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't going to hurt you! I thought you were a burglar," she chuckled embarrassingly into my neck. She sniffed as I pulled away, my fingers brushing over her cheek as I pushed some of the loose short brown strands behind her ear. I smiled, it was small but it was there, I guided her over to the sofa once more. I saw the empty pizza boxes on the coffee table, I'm surprised she didn't distract herself by cooking last night, but it probably didn't feel right. It was currently near two AM, I wish it could've been morning time that way we could hold off the inevitable conversation until my family left. "Are we going to talk now?"
"Yeah," I breathed. I didn't know where to start, nor what I was supposed to say. Do I mention the wedding dress, do I bring up the fact Luna doesn't want to wait anymore, do I mention Kate, do I bring up my discomfort of mentioning my mother to Luna, or do I mention the flinching situation. In fact, I needed to mention every single one of those topics. In what order, I'm not sure. "I'm not sure where to begin..." I mumbled, trailing off as I looked at my fingertips. My long sleeved black jumper was extremely long on me, the cuffs covering my red knuckles.
"I need you to talk to me," Luna sighed. "Why don't we start from the beginning. My mother," she began, shifting on the seat so she could face me with her legs crossed on the couch. I remained facing the table, if I look at her I'll either shut her out again or I'll flee back to Liam's house. "Why does talking about your mother to me, make you uncomfortable?"
"Because your mum isn't here anymore. Don't think you can't talk about yours to me because I'll always be there to comfort you, and you can treat my mum like she's yours I'm sorry if I seemed like you couldn't. It just makes me feel so guilty and selfish that I have my mum still alive and so close to me, yet I complain almost daily, that I don't see her often. That's what makes me feel guilty and selfish, because unlike you, I can still see my mum. I shouldn't complain, I'm lucky."
When I look at her she's wearing a sad smile, like my words pained her yet she found it oddly sweet of me to care so much about her feelings. "You're such an idiot you know that right?" She shuffled closer so that her crossed legs were on either of my slim waist as I remained facing forward. Her shins pressed against my hip. "You shouldn't feel guilty or selfish, I don't ever feel mad at you for talking about missing your mother. Regardless if she's four hours from London or just upstairs, you can miss her and you can tell me that you miss her. Sure my mothers not here anymore, but the time I got with her I'll always cherish. I don't want you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells when bringing up your parents to me. Please, don't feel that way."
Her words were comforting, yet it obviously wouldn't stop me feeling a tad bit guilty and selfish sometimes. From this point on she'll be listening like a hawk, so if I stumble over my words when bring my Mum up into the conversation, she'll tell me off for worrying so much about her feelings. The thing is, when you love someone as much as I love Luna, all you care about is their happiness and how they feel. It's the first thing I think about if I'm mad at her, or if I tease her. I always think how is what I've just said going to affect her, I only care about her feelings and that is how it has always been from day one.
"Now, tell me why you don't want to wait anymore. You know, to marry me," I asked. I wanted her to talk now. My voice was hoarse, I needed a moment to let my thoughts gather and for my brain to relax before I began to speak again about my issues. Giving her the perfect chance to explain her feelings in great detail.
"I thought it was a good idea at the time, but talking about the wedding all day yesterday with your mother... I just got so excited and I don't know how much longer I can wait anymore," she shrugged, a breathless smile playing on her lips. "I love you Harry, you know I do. You just don't seem to realise how much I do."
"What do you mean?" I asked, genuinely curious to find out what she meant by that. I thought my feelings were always so clear to her. Her fingers found a loose thread on the bottom of my jumper and I felt her continuously tug at the thread between her fingers. My eyes focused on her fingers.
"You've changed my life Harry," she smiled, I quickly glanced at her, her eyes burning into the piece of thread she still played with before I looked down at her fingertips again. I wanted to smack her hand away and force her eyes to stare at me and only me, but this cute shy side of her was something I enjoyed witnessing. "I don't want to tell you how much you mean to me because I like that only I know. It's like a little secret that I never want to share."
"That's mean, I want to know," I teased, making her look at me. Her eyes glistened under the moonlight that poured through the gap between the curtains, cascading over the left side of her body so beautifully. I was in absolute awe of Luna's beauty. Sometimes it catches me off guard, just how stunning she really is. Not that sometimes I think she isn't beautiful, but sometimes I forget I'm in such a gorgeous persons presence that when I look at myself and then I look at her I'm taken back suddenly.
How did a guy like me, get so lucky? God she is gorgeous, she has no fucking idea just how gorgeous she is. I wish I could be a painter, I'd paint her in this lighting and in this cute outfit consisting of leggings and my ripped white t-shirt. I want to capture all of her beauty into a bottle and trap it there for all of time, every once and a while opening up the bottle to get a sneaky glimpse of it all over again. It was in this moment that I really appreciated her indescribable beauty for all of its worth.
"I understand you want to wait. Until I'm a bit older, until we have more money and until we are both one hundred percent comfortable. And believe me, I do understand that and I want that too. Even when I say I don't want to wait, I know waiting is the best for us," she reached her hands over my thigh grasping my hands in her smaller ones and tightening her hold on my hands. "I'll wait until you say it's time. And don't think I'm saying this to agree with you and save more pointless arguing. I'm saying this, because I want to wait until you are ready."
"I would marry tomorrow if I could Luna, you know that. I am ready."
"No you're not," she sighed, still holding my hands. "If you were ready you wouldn't have offered to wait in the first place. I think the best for us is, wait until after my nineteenth and then we can briefly discuss little bits concerning the wedding planning here and there. Sound like a plan?"
"Yeah. Sounds like a plan," I smiled. Once again my smile was only small, but it was enough for her and I knew it was, when she pulled back and let her hands rest in her lap. "Also, I'm one hundred percent okay with my mum walking you down the aisle. I know I seemed... Well not pleased to find out about it, but I am very happy you asked her. I'm still a little mad you didn't talk to me, but I forgive you."
"Why does it make you mad that I didn't ask you first?" She whispered, I knew she was trying to ensure I didn't flip out and think she was causing an argument. I knew she wasn't. My right hand reached over my thigh, blindly searching for her hands and when I did I practically engulfed the both of them in just one of mine.
"I don't want to be the kind of groom that doesn't get involved in the wedding, I want to be like what Robin was. He was so engrossed with the idea of planning a whole wedding that I'm pretty sure he did most of it over my Mum. I'm not saying I'm going to take charge, but I knew we would have had to talk about who would walk you down the aisle since your parents aren't alive and neither is Robin, so I wanted to talk about it with you closer to the time. But I understand why you asked my mum, I mean it's you who has to walk down the aisle not me, so you have every right to take complete control of that important detail."
My ramble was left hanging in the air around our heads, she was silent as she took in my words. Her fingers trailing over my hands and pushing the loose cuffs away from my knuckles, so she could draw imaginary pieces of art over my skin with her fingertips.
"Are you mad about the dress?" She asked.
"No. Actually, I'm very excited to see you in it," I smiled, taking a side glance her way and seeing the rosy blush I love embedded in her soft tanned cheeks. "Are you mad about me wanting to be really involved in the wedding planning?" I asked. Her lack of response earlier made me worry slightly.
"Of course not silly. Actually, I'm very excited to see how involved you really get," she grinned, lifting my hand up with both of hers and placing her lips to my knuckles. God, these small innocent gestures drivd me crazy, she makes my heart beat wildly just for her. "I know you don't particularly want to talk about the dark stuff, but I need to ask."
"Go ahead," I whispered, exhaling deeply. My smile gone and my hand now returned to clasp my other hand that rested in my lap. I knew she would ask about Kate and the flinching situation we endured, we had to talk about it regardless if I wanted to or not. I kind of wish we started off with this dark heavy stuff instead.
"What really happened with Kate? You know, when you two were together." Her question made many memories unlock inside my head. Like there was a chest sealed away in the very back corner of my mind, and Luna held the key to unlock it. The dark images playing on a loop in my mind and causing goosebumps to arise all over my skin. Despite the thick jumper I wore and the heat in the house, I still felt cold. My bones were cold, my blood was cold and my skin was cold. "You don't have to tell me, you know, in such detail."
"I have too. Otherwise you'll never understand what happened and you'll never understand what I'm thinking or if something you do will trigger me," I sighed. It was true. If I didn't tell her, obviously sugar coating some of it as I don't want to get into too much detail, then she'll never understand. And if I have another flinching situation on my hands, she'll be livid, completely and utterly livid that she's left in the dark and doesn't know what's going through my mind.
"Just tell me what you want to tell me. If there's anything you don't want to mention, don't feel like you have too," she breathed. I pushed myself towards the arm of the couch, keeping a safe distance between Luna and I. I saw her frown at the gap I had created but thankfully she said nothing, I just needed a little space between us so I could delve into such unwanted memories. I didn't want her to touch me.
"Please don't touch me whilst I'm talking about this," I practically begged.
"Are you worried you'll flinch?"
"Yes."
"Okay, I won't touch you."
I wanted to touch her, I just didn't want her to touch me. Obviously that wouldn't have worked because subconsciously, when someone touches you, you automatically reach for them. Which is exactly what she would do if I were to touch her innocently. I let my mind travel back just over two years worth of memories, back to the beginning.
"I met her through friends, she was really sweet and quirky. She had all these interests, like nature and reading. It was cute. I admired how different she was, yet she still had that similarity to every other girl around. She was all about saving the planet, she went vegan for a few months then accidentally found herself craving a burger and it all went downhill from there," I chuckled. I didn't even want to look at Luna at this point, it has really got to suck hearing your fiancé talk about his ex girlfriend. Well I can only imagine it would suck. "Our first date was at a vegan restaurant, it was shit, I hated it because I was basically eating a salad. You know I don't like vegetables."
Luna's giggle cut through me like a shard of sharp glass, I side glanced at her, the air knocking right out of my lungs as she stared at me in awe. I'm thankful she didn't look hurt or disgusted so far.
"She took me to all these different charity events that were raising money for LGBT teens that were kicked out from their homes, animal rescue charities, nature friendly charities... We seemed like some flower power couple from back in the day," I smiled, sweet memories filling my mind before the frame seemed to dim.
"One day we got into this fight. We fought a lot actually, but it was never like this. I was in her living room, her parents had just left and she was shouting at me because I dropped this little ornament that was her grandmothers," I sighed, the sound of the expensive antique smashing echoed in my ears. "It was accident obviously, she yelled for me to come to the kitchen to help her make pancakes and then I got up, tripping over the rug and my hand just knocked it off the mantle piece."
"What happened after that?" Luna asked, utterly engrossed in my past tragic love story.
"She came in, she looked at me and then at the smashed antique, then she walked away. I was worried at first, so I followed her through to the kitchen and she stood there with tears in her eyes and a pan of burnt pancakes," I gulped, I don't know if I was ready to expose what happened next but Luna was eagerly awaiting. Yet I could sense her uneasiness from the look in her eyes when we made eye contact, I didn't break the eye contact all the while of my next sentence. "I didn't know she was angry until she screamed and threw the hot pan towards me..."
"I ducked, it just grazed my arm and it was barely a burn but it still hurt," I whispered, my fingers touching the area I still feel pain from. Obviously it was a mental pain, but unfortunately for many months I could mentally feel the pain from all the scars and all the bruises she left on my body. Actually, I still do. "I remember looking at her like she was crazy, she'd never had an outburst like that before it was scary..."
"I yelled at her, 'what the fuck are you playing at'," I recited my words. "'You could've seriously hurt me'."
"What did she say?"
"She laughed, very bitterly may I add," I bitterly laughed myself. "I got so angry I stormed out the kitchen and went to put my shoes back on, I didn't want to be around her because I was so angry and scared. I knew that wasn't a good combination of emotions. The next thing I know she's behind me and pushes me to the ground, yelling at me for making her throw the pan. Yelling because I broke something of such value. I apologised, I was sitting on the floor and she was towering over me just yelling at me. Over and over and over again..."
"Then she bent down and slapped me, right across my face. My parents didn't even do that to me, nobody has ever lay a hand on me before," I whispered. "I remember just running home, I was crying and I was so happy that none of my family were home when I got there. I just cried in my room, I was so confused and Kate was calling and texting me but I just kept ignoring it..."
"Just before dinner Kate showed up to my house and my mum let her in, Kate came upstairs and pushed me against the wall. I could've fought her off, but I wouldn't hurt anybody – especially not a girl. She told me it was accident and that I couldn't tell anybody, and that nobody would believe me anyway because girls aren't abusive to their boyfriends. Which when I did tell my old friend back home that she was hitting me, he simply laughed it off and warned me to stop lying because it'll get her into serious trouble. Men get abused too, I don't understand why people just don't believe that it happens too."
I looked at Luna once more, tears in her eyes as her fingers were itching to comfort me, but thankfully she kept her hands to herself like she said she would.
I looked at Luna again, her hands covering her mouth, her eyes leaking with tears and her cheeks covered in salty tears. I felt a lump in my throat. I hadn't really ever considered myself a victim per say, I just always thought I got myself into a bad situation and Kate was just in a bad mental state when we were together so it's not a big problem and nobody really needs to know about it. But, right now in this very moment as I began reliving the memories, I was so angry at myself for letting her get away with doing that to me.
"That was just day one of many," I sighed. "One of the worst days was just before we broke up, she pushed me into the island in her kitchen and I dropped to the ground clutching my hip. She called me a weak little boy, pathetic, ugly, disgusting... She kicked me in the shin and then stormed off crying her eyes out. I tried to dump her that day but she told me she was going to kill herself if I ever left her, so I felt like I had to stay. That was what she said every single time I tried to walk away..."
"She threw plates, glasses, cutlery, food, pans and shoes at me. She tried to key me one day, basically she dug her car key into my neck and managed to pierce my skin enough to cause my blood to dribble out. It wasn't deep or anything but it was painful," I shrugged, my knees proving to be a great sight to focus on. "She cornered me, she kicked me out the car and forced me to walk home whilst I was completely hammered and didn't know where I was. She would push me about, yell at me, slap me, kick me, spit on me, she knew my passwords to everything and constantly checked my phone to see who I was talking too and what I was saying..."
"The day we broke up was the day before I up and left for London. She went around telling everybody that I was beating her up, she got stoned with a bunch of her friends and someone asked about this bruise on her thigh. It was actually because when she kicked me I accidentally pulled her down with me when I fell and she hit her thigh against the stairs. All of her friends believed her obviously, and started telling everyone around town that I was hurting her. I got called into the police station and I showed them all my bruises, burns and scars and they took my side over hers. I basically said I didn't want to charge her because I didn't want her to go to prison, she may have hurt me but I still loved and cared for her too much to do that to her..."
"The police told me to come back and talk to them the next day, you know once they could speak to Kate and all. Then I found out Kate was in a rehabilitation centre in Birmingham or something. Of course, everyone assumed that would be the best place for someone and then used her drug addiction as some excuse for her behaviour towards me so nobody ever gave me any sympathy. In fact, they all assumed I was feeding her these damn drugs she was hooked on," I sighed sadly. "I didn't want their sympathy. I just didn't like the way people kept staring at me."
"How were they staring at you?" Luna asked quietly, interested to hear how I saw the looks I received.
"Like I was just as bad as Kate was."
"But they knew you didn't do what she said you did?"
"Still. You hear that two people behind closed doors have constant screaming matches, and the girlfriend manages to beat up the boyfriend twenty four seven... You're gonna look at the pair of them so much differently than you did before..."
"The next day," I continued. "The day I learned she was gone, I packed up my shit and I drove to London. I crashed at Liam's place, I told him everything as well as Zayn and they helped me find the apartment I was in when we met. I knew Liam because when he was younger he was in Holmes Chapel for a holiday visiting his cousins nearby, and we met at the local park. We added each other on Facebook and we just became long distant friends from there."
"So you never told your family why you left? Or what happened between you and Kate?" Luna asked, her eyes still glistening and her cheeks still stained by her fallen tears.
"It's a small town Luna, they heard the rumours before I even knew they were a thing," I sighed heavily. "My Mum confronted me and then I stripped off my shirt and I remember just yelling at her, 'do you seriously think I'd be hurting her. Look at me, look what she's done to me Mum!'."
"What happened next?"
"My Mum just broke into tears. She came towards me, gently lay one finger onto my chest and I jumped. I was so fragile at that point Luna, you'd have hated how I was. I was so weak, so vulnerable, constantly crying and flinching over noises and people getting too close to me."
"Men can cry Harry. Men can be vulnerable. I'd have never hated you then."
I smiled at her gratefully, before continuing my story. "My Mum basically told me to leave, not because she was ashamed but because she wanted me to be as far away from there as I could possibly be. Robin was so hurt that I never told him, he blamed himself for not realising any sooner, and Gemma she was livid. She couldn't believe someone she thought was a family friend could do something like that to her little brother..."
"Then obviously I hear Kate is back and she needed to talk to me. She said she'd been in rehab for like a year, and she wanted to see me but her parents thought it wasn't a good idea. Because people knew about what she had done to me and how she lied and said I did it to her, she wanted to leave too. So she's gone to America with her cousin I believe," I frowned, unsure if that fact was correct or not. I didn't care enough to focus on who she was leaving with when she told me.
"She told me the same week she went to rehab and we broke up, she was going to tell me that she was pregnant. She found out about it the same day she threw a pair of high heel shoes at my face. She was angry at me that day and I didn't even know why, at that point I began to think just breathing around her was annoying and that's why she was so mad at me all the time. Turns out she was angry that she was pregnant. She had found out two weeks before we broke up, and she was still taking all these drugs even though she knew she was carrying my baby..."
"The day before she started those rumours about me she lost the baby, she ditched coming over to mine saying she wasn't feeling well. I assumed she was out snorting coke with all her friends, instead she was alone in a hospital room being told her baby was dead. The next day, she started those rumours about me... She said she started them because she was angry at me because it was my fault the baby died when it was actually because of all the drugs she was taking. That night she told her parents about the baby, the death of the baby and the drugs and they didn't wait until sunrise, they took her straight to a rehab centre. They were super loaded, so it wasn't that difficult to get their daughter the best professional help she needed."
"And you really had no idea she was pregnant all this time?" Luna breathed. I looked over, finally reaching my hand out to interlock with hers. She sighed, the feeling of our skin finally touching being such a blessing for her.
"Not a clue," I shook my head sadly. I wish I knew about my unborn child, I could've helped Kate somehow, stood by her and helped her off the drugs. Maybe the abuse would've stopped and maybe we'd still be together with a happy little child running around our feet. But at the end of the day, I'm so thankful I'm not with her and I'm actually in a happy loving relationship with somebody that truly loves me and makes me feel confident and content within myself. But I wish things didn't happen the way they did, I wish Kate didn't get involved with drugs and I wish she didn't get knocked up, I wish our baby was alive, I wish I knew, I wish I could've put a stop to the abuse and I wish she didn't do any of it in the first place.
But no matter how hard you wish you could correct your past, you just can't. In fact, your past makes you who you are today. I don't know if my past has helped me or made things worse, I'm not sure. The only thing I know about my past, is that it's not stopped me meeting Luna and falling in love all over again.
"I would never hurt you Harry. I know you flinched earlier because you were thinking about all of this, Gemma told me she mentioned Kate before our fight. But I just want you to know, no matter how angry I am with you I would never, ever, hurt you."
Both my hands rested upon her thighs, my body now fully turned to face her and our faces inches apart. I could feel her heavy breath against my lips, I could see the moonlight bounce off the wet trail that still soaked her soft skin.
"I love you Luna," I whispered, my voice dripping with adoration and love. My heart was bursting as I looked at her, I knew that she would never hurt me the way I've been hurt before. And I knew telling her this story would hurt her, which pained me to even think about, but seeing how she looked at me and how it never changed I know my story doesn't affect how she'll ever look at me.
"I love you so much more, my brave, very gorgeous and very handsome fiancé," she smiled breathlessly, giggling against my lips as she kissed me. I felt my heart explode, like fireworks exploding all around us and my hands wrapped around her waist, hoisting her up and into my lap. Her legs wrapped around my waist, hands around my neck and fingers tugging on the hairs at the nape of my neck. I was so lost in her, drinking her up like I was dehydrated and she was a tall icy glass of water.
She means the world to me, she is everything I have left in this world. She has me, and I have her. I am hers and she is mine. The way her fingers touch my cheeks, the way her eyes twinkle in the moonlight as she looks at me and our eyes meet. My fingers in her hair, pulling the hair band away and releasing the strands that sat on her shoulders. Her hair-tie secured around my wrist as my hands got lost in her thick brown hair. Her fingertips trailed over my body, I wish this jumper that is separating her fingers from my skin would disappear, I wanted her hands all over me and for me to feel that warm touch that I crave so fucking much.
She is so gentle, no matter how rushed our lips moved together and no matter how harshly I tugged on her hair, she still allowed her fingers to slowly run all over my arms, shoulders, cheeks and torso. The way I tug at her hair was harsh, yet not harsh enough to hurt her. She tipped her head back allowing our lips to separate and my lips to nip at her neck. We has no intentions of sex, she knew that and I knew that deep down, and we were both very much okay with that. My face fell against her shoulder, slipping into the crook of her neck and dropping my hands to her waist, my fingers feeling the skin beneath my ripped top that covered her upper body.
"Please never leave me again Harry," she whispered pleadingly. My heart fell heavy at her words.
"You know," I began, looking up at her with my hands still under my top that she wore and her hands on my shoulders. "You're more than just my fiancée, you're my best friend too. I'm never gonna walk away from you, even in a argument. I don't want to leave you ever, as I keep saying baby, you're it for me."
"I'm never gonna leave you either," she breathed, her lips inching closer and closer to my lips. I was so ready for her sweet assault on my lips, the feeling of her plump lips against mine as they softly and slowly move with one another. We had kissed so often I knew exactly how it felt to kiss her, but even when we finally kiss, it feels like the first time all over again.
"You're my everything, Moonlight, thank you for listening to me even though I know that was hard for you," I said quietly. "Promise me one thing."
"What's that?" She said equally as quiet.
"That you'll never look at me like I'm weak and vulnerable."
"You're anything but weak and vulnerable. You're incredibly brave and strong, and you have the biggest heart that I've ever seen anybody have. And you make me so proud, every single day," she cried, a smile on her lips and tears running down her cheeks.
"Why are you crying?" I whispered, frowning with my own tears in my eyes.
"Because you didn't deserve that to happen to you," she whimpered, tears dropped from her jawline and onto my black jumper. My hands cupped her damp cheeks, my tongue swiping moisture over my dry lips as I attempted to force the tears away, even though I felt one freely roll down my cheek.
"Don't cry for me, Moonlight. I've got you, I'm so happy now. You make me happy," I breathed. My eyes boring into hers as I tried force her to believe me with just my eyes. "Please my love, I didn't tell you to make you upset. I told you because I trust you, and you deserve to know just what I've gone through. Not so I can get your sympathy or for you to treat me differently, but because you're my fiancée and I love you with all of my heart. You should know my past."
"I love you so much Harry."
Her fragile wavering voice, yet small delicate smile made me happier. "I love you more bub," I smiled against her cheek as I placed my lips there. I felt her giggle, sniffling slightly as she wrapped her arms around the back of my neck and held me. Held me like she could see tiny cracks forming over my body and she was holding me as if she could keep all of the crumbling cracks safely together. It's the same way I held her whilst she suffered with her parents loss when we first met. It's the same way the both of us will continue to hold one another until the glue dries and we can let go, let go without that fear of falling apart.
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A/n: updating this over a year later.. I still love this chapter!! Also, I know somebody that got abused like this from their partner, so before anyone leaves a comment saying how extreme Kate was to Harry, just remember it's very realistic and raw.