mild trigger warnings for anxiety and panic attacks. it's not too bad though.
"Do you want sprinkles?"
"Hell yeah. I don't hate myself that much."
He feels Awsten's hand move from his shoulder to slide around his waist. He pulls his lip in with his teeth, tries to hold back the smile as he reaches for the spoon to scoop the colored jimmies onto Awsten's bowl of frozen yogurt. He grabs the edge in one hand and picks up his own cup with the other. "Just the syrups now, alright love?"
He freezes.
Awsten's arm is tightening around his waist his heart is racing did he really just- fuck what did he do did he just fuck all this up they're definitely moving too fast it's not love not yet it's not love yet why does he have to go and ruin everything like this fuck-
The next few actions come with jerks and stumbles that leave Awsten panting as well. He's starting to sweat. The warm is traveling up his back in tendrils, claws digging into his skin and bleeding the heat in. They emanate fire and he's taking all of it, feeling the flames spark and ignite all over the back of his shirt. Sweat is trapping it against his body. He swallows. Fuck.
He pays for the yogurts in a rush, barely manages to thrust his card at the cashier and accept the receipt in his shaking hands. He's trying so hard not to go into a full-on panic attack you need to lead Awsten you're not by yourself anymore you're not on your own it's him too you can't panic like a pathetic weakass baby. Pull yourself together and get the fuck over it.
Only when they're finally sitting down at a table – once Awsten's almost tripped over the leg of it and he's managed to pull his chair out so far he almost fell – does Awsten speak. "You called me love."
"Y-Yeah," Geoff chokes out. His hands are shaking. He stares down at the yogurts in front of them, focuses his vision on the liquid consistency they're starting to melt into and the gummy bars swimming in pools of milky yogurt. "I-Is that okay? I'm sorry it's probably too soon I just-"
Awsten grabs his hands, puts a pause in their shaking. The touch is heated, warm against his skin. He swallows again. Breathe. He doesn't seem mad. Breathe. "It made me happy."
Awsten's voice is so soft. He's looking at him with the biggest smile on his face, teeth showing, redness creeping up and enveloping his cheeks. It's that delicate color, the rosy pink that blossoms, tiny at first, and eventually plants roots under his skin and spreads to his entire face. It makes him glow. He wishes Awsten could see his own face when he gets like this.
He stopped calling Chloe 'love' a couple months into their relationship. It didn't roll off his tongue the way it used to. He'd forget, have to remember to add it onto the end of a sentence every so often. It didn't make her light up the way it's making Awsten. It always seemed like an afterthought, like he had to convince himself that's how he felt about her and saying it out loud would assist in that journey.
"You make me happy," he chokes out. "I- these past few months have been so hard and I never thought I'd be happy again but you make me so happy, Awsten." There's a lump in his throat that, for the first time, he isn't trying to swallow against. Tears are burning at the corners of his eyes. His face hurts from smiling.
"Kiss me."
"W-What?"
"I don't wanna miss your face and make this awkward, so kiss me you sappy shit."
He leans up in his seat first, bends his knees under the table and balances on that as he stretches to take Awsten's face in his hands and press their lips together. And then his knees burn and the pain starts to get worse, so he moves around, to Awsten's side of the table, lowers himself onto his knees entirely, wraps his arms around Awsten's neck, and kisses.
"Call me love again," Awsten says, once they pull away.
Geoff blinks, keeps an arm against his back and brushes his fringe out of his eyes. He leans in to kiss both of Awsten's cheeks and then his forehead. "You make me really happy, love."
Awsten grins. It's rosy and pink; it feels like he's living in that world now, like he's looking at his entire life through a filter of it. He's never felt like this before. "I love when you do that."
"Do what?"
He thought it was impossible for Awsten to blush further, but the pink on his cheeks only increases. "Call me love. And sunshine. I just-"
"You love it?"
"Shut up."
He didn't think it was possible to go from on the verge of a panic attack to practically exploding with warmth, all in a matter of ten minutes. It's never happened before. He always has to panic. It's there and it happens and there's no stopping it. He can put a cork in the attack but it always happens eventually. It never just- stops.
But his hands aren't shaking anymore and he doesn't feel like his stomach is going to eject out of his throat and his heart is back to normal and he's not hot cold hot everything is settling back into their places it's normal it should feel like this he should feel like this Awsten makes him feel like this.
Awsten is giggling now, shaking in his arms from how hard he's laughing. His eyes are crinkled at the corners and his nose is scrunched up. His body is vibrating and he's going into that silent, open-mouthed laughter, eyes squeezing close to shut.
He has never looked more beautiful.
It's way too soon.
They've barely been dating a full week.
But right now, in this moment, calling him love...
He's starting to believe it.
Awsten is his love.
He's starting to believe it.
...
"Um, guys..."
Awsten lifts his head at the sound of Jawn's voice. He puts a hand on Geoff's chest and uses the leverage to push himself up, leans on his elbows and tilts his head back. He feels a pair of lips against the crown of his head and smiles. "Hm?"
Jawn's footsteps are getting closer. His voice sounds different when he speaks next. Hesitant. Unsure. "We- we kinda have a problem..."
Awsten's heart skips a beat. He feels Geoff start to tense underneath him, feels his body starting to go rigid. He collapses his elbow and lets himself back down so he can press his lips to the top of Geoff's chest; right above the neckline of the tank top he's wearing. "What is it?" He directs the question to Jawn, but doesn't turn his head to face him.
"Y'all went on a date yesterday, right?" Jawn asks. He's only sounding more uncertain as he continues to speak. "To get froyo?"
"Yeah." Geoff's voice sounds even shakier. He's starting to stutter. "W-Why?"
"I think the press knows. About you two, I mean," Jawn says. "There's a bunch of articles and I have five missed calls from management." The footsteps come closer. Awsten gets a large whiff of his cologne. Their bodies brush together as Jawn stretches forward. "Just...read this. The rumors are already startin'."
It's like someone flipped a switch. Geoff's heartbeat goes from calm to rapid in a matter of seconds, like his body has a panic alarm and Jawn just sat on it. "Fuck." Geoff's voice breaks at the end. "Oh my god, oh my god, fuck...they think I'm cheating they're calling me a manwhore oh my god oh my god oh my god." The words come out all jumbled together. Geoff doesn't take a breath in between and runs out of air by the end, panting heavily. His heart is going even faster.
"Geoff, hey, breathe." He leans up and presses his hand against Geoff's chest, right over his racing heart. "I'm here, okay? I'm right here. You gotta breathe. Everything's gonna be okay, I promise."
"They k-know," Geoff hiccups. "They- management's gonna k-kill me."
"They won't," Jawn says from behind. "They're just confused. They don't know what's going on. Once you tell them you and Chloe broke up and it was totally cool and there are no hard feelings, you can tell the fans and press and everyone that you're datin' Aws and it'll all be fine, I promise."
"They're gonna hate me."
"No, they won't." He feels up Geoff's chest to judge where his lips are, and then presses their lips together. Geoff kisses back, weakly, at first, but he turns, shifts to straddle Geoff's hips and press his hands against Geoff's shoulders, and the kiss starts to get stronger. When they pull away for air, he pecks Geoff's lips once more, grabs his hand and laces their fingers together, starts to rub his thumb against the back of his palm. "There's an easy fix to this, okay? You gotta go in there and explain everything to them and they're gonna understand and everything's gonna be fine. You've got me now; you're not alone anymore, okay? I'll be with you every step of the way."
Geoff laughs. And it's not a regular laugh, not like the ones Awsten's heard before, the ones that sound like that first ray of sun after it's been raining all day, that beam of light that pokes itself through the storm clouds and eventually gets so powerful that it manages to penetrate them all.
This laugh is different. It sounds like poison, like thousands of venomous stingers from every obstacle Geoff's faced, every disappointment and hardship and shitty thing he's gone through have come together and formed a ball that's been sitting, hidden from everyone, in his chest. It's the bitter aftertaste of swallowing a pill, the missile of bad news that sends even the best day into darkness.
He's never heard Geoff sound this bitter before. His stomach is turning over. His heart is racing.
"That's the thing though. It's never easy. They're never gonna understand. It's never gonna be okay. They're calling me a manwhore and they're right. All I'll ever be to them is the fuck up that's not making them any money because he's too busy panicking over things that don't exist. I'm the musician no one wants ta see. I can't help fans deal with their problems 'cause I can't even fix my own. Something's always going wrong and they're sick of it. Sick of me. And hey, maybe they're right. Maybe it should've worked when I tried to kill myself. I don't know why it didn't."