Now back at home, things were still uneasy. Walking through the door, the cool air of our apartment slapped my pale skin, and it sent shivers down my spine. My head was still spinning, and Brandon was still upset.
Unlike before, the loss of his sister wasn't easy. He only grieved for about a day when his father passed away. He didn't even cry when he passed on. But his sister was different. Hollie meant everything to him. He stood up for her when ever need be. Don was overly protective of Hollie. Anytime something happened to her, he would step in and beat whoever needed it, lend a shoulder when she needed it, or take a bullet if meant saving her life.
Following me into the apartment, Don crept into the room, and walked directly over to the balcony. I closed the door, and turned to watch him slowly open the door to the balcony and walk out. Instead of sliding the door closed behind him, he proceeded to the railing and fell limp over the balcony. His arms stopped the railing from colliding with his chest, but his head fell over.
I did not need to be standing right next to him to know that he was crying. I felt so sorry for him. I wanted to break down and start crying myself, but I needed to be strong for Brandon.
I set my purse down on the couch, and slipped my shoes back off and placed them right next to my purse. I stood there quietly and watched Brandon cry. My heart broke and fell into my stomach. It felt as if a bomb went off inside of my chest.
At that moment, Jared walked through the door. He had just dropped Shelbie off, and he didn't look his best. He had light circles underneath his eyes, and his shirt was un-tucked as if it were just hanging on him by a single thread, and he was holding his tie.
"How is he handling?" He asked me. I am guessing he didn't notice Donny standing out on the balcony.
Instead of answering, I just pointed out to where he was standing. Jared's eye reverted to Brandon and "Oh" was all he could manage to say.
I could detect the sadness in his voice. He seemed to be handling all of this so much better than I ever could, but I knew he was truly upset. The three of us grew up raising Hollie since her parents were never around. Brandon and Jared tortured her growing up, but I took her in like the sister I've always wanted.
I taught her how to do her makeup, and fix her hair. She has the same taste in clothes as I do. She and I are not just friends; we were truly sisters in disguise.
"I know you probably don't want to, but you need to go out there and talk to him." Jared said to me.
I looked at him, and begged him with my eyes. Thinking about it for only half a second, I didn't want to go out there and see him cry, but I needed to. I loved this man. I wanted to help him through whatever, no matter what it was.
I was going to tell Jared no, but I swallowed my pride and shook my head. I took in a deep breath and headed for the balcony. Just as I took my first step, Jared grabbed my hand, and turned me to face him. "Look, Donny needs us now more than ever." He said as his eyes met mine. "I know this is hard for us, but that is his blood. You and I both know that Hollie meant everything to him. That's why we have to stay strong for Donny. We need to be that crying shoulder whenever he needs it." He concluded as he pulled me closer. He gave me a hug, and gave my forehead a friendly kiss. I wrapped my arms around his slender torso and held my breath in a fable attempt not to cry.
"Ali Cat, I am not telling you this to upset you, but because you need to hear it. We both need to remember why we are here." He paused and took a breath himself. "We are here for each other, to help each other through everything; good times and bad." He wedged his way out of my hug, and took a step back placing his hands on my upper arms. "No. Matter. What." He concluded.
I nodded my head agreeing with him. I need to be strong. I needed to suck it up and deal with reality. It definitely wasn't going to be easy. "Now go out there and talk to him. I will be standing just inside the door in case you need me, okay?"
I nodded my head again as one more tear ran down my face. He gave me a quick, tight hug before nudging me to out onto the balcony to talk to Donny. "Go, it will be okay." He reassured me. I could tell he forced a smile on his face. If it were up to me, I would give his fake smile a nine, 8 for cuteness, and 1 for effort.
Again, heading towards the door, I walked there completely in silence this time, slowly placing one foot in front of the other. As I neared the open door, the cool breeze was slowly filling our apartment, and it felt nice. Accompanied with the busy streets of Nashville, Tennessee, I could faintly hear Don's silent weeps.
Stepping out onto the balcony, I slowly walked to him and all I could do was stand there. I reached my right hand out and placed it over his. His hands were so warm, and I could feel heat radiating off of his face.
The touch of my skin on his seemed to do nothing at all, he only stood there crying into his own arms.
"Donny, I am here for you, Love." I gently spoke. I hoped that he would stop crying. I have never seen him so down before in my entire life.
Only a few seconds after I spoke, he stood up strait and tall. It seemed as if he towered over me like the Empire State Building. His face was moist, and eyes were blood red. His whole body was trembling, and he was at a complete loss of words.
I looked down trying not to cry, and noticed that I still had my hand wrapped up in his, so I pulled him close to me and I gave him a hug. I stood on my tip toes to try to reach his height so that there would be no strain on his back. Yet there was no luck. He was still several inches taller than I was.
"Why me?" He sobbed into my shoulder. I wrapped my hands around him and rubbed his back. I was truly afraid to respond, because I didn't know what to say.
"I don't know, Brandon." I choked out. I wanted to say something else, something to calm him down, but I too had a loss of words. Standing there on the balcony, Don seemed to be losing himself tear by tear. But how could I blame him? His sister, the only family he had left, was just killed. I would die if something like this happened to Dustin.
The mental image of me holding onto Dustin, just as Brandon held Hollie earlier flashed through my mind, and I began to cry. I quickly shook the thoughts from my mind, because I needed to be strong for Brandon right now.
"Why is this happening to me?" he cried again. This time I couldn't respond. I could not respond, or else I too would cry. "This isn't fair. Why not me instead?" He voice was true, and I could sense the pain in his voice.
At that very moment, I wanted so badly to curse Jared inside my head for sending me out here. I loved Donny with every part of my being, but I am not the type of person that can deal with this easily. Jared is far more emotionally stronger than I am. I have no experience dealing with things like this, he does.
"Donny." I spoke out, but he got no response. He just stood there crying. His arms managed to wrap themselves around my waist. His arm clinched and he couldn't quite flex them to give me the bear hugs he always does. He grabbed on the back of my dress and held it so tightly. He hands were shaking, with perfect sequence with the rest of his body.
It only took me a moment to figure out why he did this. As soon as it became clear to me, it was too late. He was holding on to me for support. His knees collapsed underneath him and he fell to the ground and I almost fell on-top of him.
On the ground, my legs were lying there, and Brandon was resting his head in my lap. My arms were still wrapped around him, and I was holding him ever so closely. I was rocking back and forth with him in my lap. I began to cry my heart out, as I continued rocking with him, trying to wake him, but I had no luck, whatsoever.
"Jared!!" I hollered. I looked inside the doors, and I didn't see him. "Jared!!" I shouted once more, and yet, still nothing.
I quickly gave up on trying to get Jared's attention, and reverted mine back to Brandon. I used my left hand to try and shake him back to consciousness. "Brandon, please baby. Wake up." I cried. "Brandon, please." I began to beg from his unconscious body.
At this point, I was terrified. I had no idea what was happening. Panic mode was really beginning to kick in. "Jared!" I nearly screamed. I looked back up to the house, and finally after several moments, Jared came quickly out of the house with a small cup of water and a damp rag.
He handed me the rag, and told me to put it on his forehead. I did as I was told as he set the cup of water on our table only a few feet away. I placed the cold rag on his forehead on his forehead, and held it there with my left hand.
As Jared scurried over to where Brandon and I were, he knelt down and asked if I were okay.
I was so deep in my tears, that all I could do was nod. I hoped Don would be okay, but I wasn't sure if I would be. In response to my nod, Jared reached over and gently placed his hands underneath Don's neck and moved the upper part of his body to the ground so that he was laying flat. Even though he wasn't in my lap, I had a firm grip on his hand with both of mine.
"Ali cat," Jared said without looking up at me. "Go inside and take a sip of water, and put a cool rag on your face." He paused and looked up at me. His eyes were gleaming in the midst of his calmness. His voice was tender despite the current event, and his expression was sincere. "I will handle the rest of this. I will call for you if I need you. Go inside and calm down." I nodded, bent down and gave Don a gentle kiss on his cheek, and proceeded to do as I was told.
As I made the slow, anxious walk into the kitchen, I wondered how in the world Jared could be so calm. He didn't seem to be rattled a bit, compared to me, who was extremely shaky, drowning in my own tears, and about to lose my mind.
Stepping into the kitchen, I froze right where I was. My head dropped and covered my face with my hands. I cried into them until I could barely breathe. My heart painfully pounded inside my chest. I feeling my ribs expand and deflate quickly was severely painful. For a moment, I thought to myself, so this is what it's like to really have a broken heart. This is how that pain feels. But what I felt was probably nothing compared to how Brandon was feeling.
I took my hands away from my face and the cool air bit at my cheeks. My damp face was unusually sensitive to the air. I looked around the unlit room, and I forgot what Jared had told me to do while I was standing there crying.
I didn't bother trying to remember what he said, and I truthfully didn't care. All I wanted was for everything to be okay.
Unconsciously, my body led me over to the sink. I didn't make the choice to walk there. My body has seemed to completely take over, and I thought that maybe that was the best thing for now.
"Ali!" I heard my name called out. I looked in the direction of the door, but didn't. I didn't want to go. I didn't even want to move. Standing there, I stared in the direction for a few more moments before Jared called out for my help again. This time, his voice snapped me back into reality, and I knew what I needed to do; go out there and see what Jared needed. I did the best I could to clear the tears from my eyes, and walked out to Jared.
As I neared the door, I could see that Brandon was trying to push Jared's hand away from him. All he was trying to do was help and Don was being stubborn. I understood that he just lost his sister, but some things just don't every change I guess.
"He is not completely conscious and aware, but he is asking for you." Jared gently spoke. How did he hear me I wondered. He knew I was there without even looking to see if I were or not.
Jared had Donny's feet propped up on one of the chairs, and he had the damp cloth on his forehead. He was trying to give him a sip of the water but he wouldn't take it. Don's eyes were closed, and it seemed as if he were waking up from a dosage of tranquilizers. He was moving, but his movements were very restricted, very weak.
"Ali..." I could faintly hear Don speak from underneath Jared. And with that, I walked over to where I was sitting just minutes before, and kneeled down next to Donny. He seemed to know that I was in his presence because he lifted his hand, and I took it immediately.
He weakly turned his head in my direction, and his eyes fluttered open but they were just barely open. Almost as if it were taking every ounce of his energy to keep them open.
"Ali..." He breathed.
"I am hear baby." I softly responded and kissed the back of his hand. He looked so helpless lying there.
"I am going to lift him up to his feet, and from there, you can help me walk him to your bedroom." Jared said as I looked up at him.
I nodded as he somewhat lifted Brandon to his feet. He struggled with him because he seemed to be much heavier than what he truly weighed. I quickly moved to the opposite side of Don than Jared was. I picked up Brandon's left arm and placed it over my shoulder. Even though I was supporting only half of his body weight, I understood why it was such a struggle for Jared to get him to his feet. He weighed a ton, or at least felt like it.
I silently vowed that once our lives went back to normal, I would help lose weight. However, firstly, He is already in very good shape. On the side of working, and going to school, he goes to the gym three times a week. Secondly, our lives were never going to go back to "normal", whatever that was. The friends and family we have were far from normal. We gave a whole new meaning to the term "wild and young". Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I was proud of it.
Finally making it to our bedroom, I opened the door with my spare hand and pushed it open. I flipped on the light and walked into the room. Don and I had adjustable lights in our room, and they weren't at the same brightness as when I left the room earlier. I was too preoccupied to try and figure out why. Refocusing on the task at hand, I continued into the room with Donny at my side, and Jared right behind him.
Now that we were close to the bed, Don came to. He straightened up just as we came within feet of the bed, but not completely. As he did, I felt a faint, sharp pain in my back from the sudden change in posture. I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw. You couldn't have done this two minutes ago? I coldly mentally asked him in my head.
As he turned and flopped down on the bed, Jared turned to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "If you want, you can go wait in the living room, and I will help him get ready for bed." He concluded. I nodded and gratefully took him up on his offer.
Walking out of the room, tears began to fall freely from my eyes. I made sure not to give off any sign that I crying to the boys. I closed the door, and finished my walk to the living room. Instead of turning the light on, I stumbled over to the sofa and sat down. As I did so, I propped my knees up underneath me. It felt so nice to finally be able to sit down and cry. I didn't enjoy crying, but it this case, it felt nice to be able to just let it all out.
Memories of being with Hollie flashed in and out of my mind. The days when I used to baby sit her right after I got out of high school. She was still only twelve and I was about to turn seventeen. Every time I watched her, she would ask me to fix her hair and make-up. She would even ask to wear my clothes. Hollie comes from line of tall people, and I am rather short, so she fit perfectly in my clothes.
Brandon never did like me fixing her up the way I did because he thought she seemed to look older. Donny swore he would take care of her, and he did; as if he were her father. Hollie resented him for it, but he truly didn't care because he loved her. I had never seen a brother and sister who cared so deeply for each other.
By the time she entered school, Hollie moved in with their father's sister. She paid for her tuition, and everything else she needed. Once she graduated she moved up here to Nashville with Donny Jared and me, until she found self a nice little apartment. It's not too far from here, but "just the perfect distance" according to her.
Minutes later, Jared moseyed into the living room. He certainly wasn't looking good. Almost like he was about to cry, and I didn't blame him. The closer he got towards me, the clearer it became that he was about to cry. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was more pale than usual.
He sat down next to me with his legs spread apart and he slumped over and put his elbows on his knees, with his face in his hands. He began to silently cry. I had never seen him like this before, even though I had known him my entire life.
I reached out and placed my hand on his back. "Jared, are you okay?"
He didn't respond with words. His silence told me everything I needed to know. He wasn't, Donny wasn't, and I wasn't. None of us were okay. At this point, I don't think any of us knew what was going to happen next. I don't think any of us knew how in the world we were going to make it through this. Hollie was just a person you couldn't help but smile around. She lightened the darkest of days. She gave us all a reason to look forward to tomorrow.
I sat there and watched as Jared continued to cry. I felt so bad for him, but I felt even worse for Brandon. It wasn't like there was anything I could do to help him; we were all in the same situation.
As seconds turned into minutes, Jared finally was able to pull himself together, and he sat back. He whipped his face dry, and took a deep breath. This is officially the worst I've seen him all night.
"I don't know how we are going to get through this." He paused, took another breath and continued. "Brandon is mess and we aren't any feeling any better than he is." I didn't think it was possible for him to lounge out any more, but he did. He shifted his body weight slightly and tilted his head back. He moved his hands up and ran his fingers through his hair leaving his hair a messy style. "These next few weeks are going to be rough. I just don't know how the hell Donny is going to handle this."
I teared as his voice cracked. I thought his was going to cry again, but he had tight hold on his emotions and with a breath the tears in his eyes were gone. He set there and continued staring up at the ceiling for a minute or so and then looked at me. "How are you holding up?" he asked.
I wanted to say I was fine, but I wasn't. I couldn't open my mouth to respond; I was at complete loss for words. Thankfully he could see that I wanted to say something but he knew that I was choking on my words. Held reached his arm out and pulled me close. I wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my head on his chest, and then I began to cry. With the arms that he still had around me, he began threading his hands through my hair pulling it out of my face. It was still pulled back, and I am guessing his desired plan of action was working, so he just used his hand to brush my hair out of my face instead. He continued to do this for a while, until I drifted to unconsciousness.
The following morning I woke up still wrapped around Jared. Just the way we fell asleep the previous night. I was guessing I was the first awake, because everything was still in the very same spot as it was last night. I lay there for a moment contemplating on exactly if I should get up and face the day now, or to just lay here and fall back asleep.
My insides were screaming at me to go get in my bed and go back to sleep. I knew what I needed to do, so I got up and stretched out. Every muscle in my body tensed up as I let out a rib cracking yawn. Finally finished yawning, I turned and took a quick peek at Jared. He was still asleep sitting up just as he fell asleep. He looked so peaceful lying there.
I didn't want to disturb him, but the motherly instinct in me kicked in, and I reached over and put a light blanket over him. His feet were still hanging out, and his arms were uncovered, but at least he had something to keep him warm if he needed it.
Satisfied with my make-shift tuck-in, I ventured off to the bathroom. Walking past the dining room, I realized our balcony door was still open from last night. I stopped right where I stood. I took a moment to take in the beautiful weather.
From where I stood, the sky was completely blue, and not a single cloud in sight, or at least I couldn't see any from where I was standing. I wanted so badly to just stand there and continue gazing out of the window and not worrying about what I would face today, but looking around the room, I had work to do. I had the love of my life to help and care for today. I wanted to lie back down and happily go back to sleep, but I had to stay awake and continue dealing with reality.
Taking in my final look outside, I took in a big breath and let out a heavy sigh. With that, I was off to face the day.
Up first on my list of things to do, I headed to my bedroom to grab a change of clothes and to do something with my hair. My hair fell just to my belly button when straight. I truly didn't understand where I found the patience to deal with my hair. It was truly too long, and I had thought about cutting it so many times before but I never could do it. Unlike most people, I understand the meaning of the saying "you never know what you have until it's gone."
I neared my bed room door. I placed my hand on the door knob and in that moment images from the previous night flashed through my head. Tears filled my eyes. I took another deep breath, and pushed the thoughts from my mind.
I finally built up my courage and slowly opened the door. I peaked through the door as it opened, and I could faintly see Brandon. He looked so peaceful lying there asleep. Quietly I stepped in making sure not make any noise to wake him. Although, he is a rather heavy sleeper. I am sure a stampede cows could run through the room, and he probably wouldn't wake up/
Once I realized I wouldn't wake him, I straightened up and walked towards my closet. It took me only a moment to decide what I was going to wear. A pair of knee length Capri's and a t-shirt would suit me well. Taking the pieces in my left arm, I walked over to my dresser to get a pair of panties and a bra. I also grabbed a pair of socks incase my feet got cold.
Next on my list was to do something with my hair and take a shower. I quickly left the room and made sure to gently close the door behind me. Once back in the hall way, I went to check and see if Jared was still asleep. Sure enough, he was asleep, but he was now lounged out on the coach with his head on the arm rest and his feet hanging off the opposite end.
Part of me wondered if he really was asleep or if he was just playing possum and the other part of me really didn't care. I was ready to get in the shower and get clean. I was nothing like the boys I lived with. I was a complete OCD clean freak. Brandon and Jared on the other hand were not, to say it nicely.
With that I walked back the hallway to the bathroom. Stepping in the door I flipped the light on and set my clothes down on the counter. Looking In the mirror I was shocked at how hideous my hair looked. My hair was standing at least four inches off of my head. My make up still looked somewhat descent. It better still look good after how much I pay for my make-up I thought to myself. I was still dressed in my purple one strap.
I stood in front of the mirror and marveled at how perfectly the purple shade went with my skin tone. I wouldn't say I was the palest person on earth, but I did have some color.
I grabbed my hair brush and began to work on getting all of the knots out of my hair, starting with the ends and working my way up. Nearly a minute or so later I was finished with my hair, so I placed my brush on the counter and turned on the shower to let it heat up. I closed the curtain, and stepped back so I could work on pealing my dress off. It wasn't the tightest dress in my closet, but it was pretty tight. Much tighter than what I usually would wear.
Finally free from my dresses death grip, I tossed it on the counter next to my pile of clothes. Next I slid my panties off and tossed them on the counter just as I did with my dress and stepped into the shower.
The water was warm and felt so nice against my skin. I stood for a moment motionless under the water taking in the warmth, with my hands on the wall underneath the shower head.
Images from the night before came unwelcome in my mind. The sight of Dustin holding Hollie caused me to cry. How could this happen to us, to Dustin? I asked myself. It wasn't fair. I tried to push the thoughts from my mind, but I had no luck. Disturbing thoughts came and went quickly and left my crying. The thought of losing Dustin or Brandon was fearsome. I prayed that nothing would ever happen to one of my boys. They were the only family I had; apart from my deadbeat parents. I couldn't bear to lose any of them.
Standing up, I reached into the window sill and squirt a handful of shampoo into my hands and began lathering it into my hair. Starting at the roots and working my way down. I had to use far more shampoo than most because of how long my hair was. Doing anything with my hair took so much more time and effort because of it's length. However, many people admired it when I took the time to fix it and make it look nice.
I washed the shampoo out and did the same with the conditioner and started to wash my body with the body rag. Once I finished washing all the suds off of my body, I turned the water off, climbed out, dried off, and got dressed. Before leaving the bathroom, I picked up my clothes and headed towards my room to place them in my dirty clothes hamper.
As I turned to walk out of the room, Brandon began stirring in his sleep, and quickly came to. Turning over on his side, I was in his immediate line of vision. The look on his face was cold, and his eyes were dark. He no longer looked like my peaceful boyfriend. The effects of Hollies' death were taking over him far too fast, and I hoped with every part of me, that he wouldn't be too upset about it.
He sat up and buried his face in his hands. He sat so still that it didn't even look like he was breathing for moment. I quietly thanked God that Jared weren't here because he would tell me that I needed to go talk to him. I knew that I needed to, and I knew that my conscience would have its way with me, and I would cave in, but I still fought to go along with what I wanted to do.
After what seemed like a century, he looked up at me and his expression was more sincere and pained. I instinctively walked towards him and sat on the bed next to him.
At first he said nothing. He set there and stared at the wall in front of him. "Why?" Was all he seemed he could manage.
Tears filled my eyes. I had no response for him. Instead I turned so that I was facing the same direction we was, and I put my arm around him and pulled him into a motherly embrace. His head was rested on my shoulder. He began to cry, and so did I.
"How could God do this to me?" He took a deep breath and continued. "How could he take one of the nicest, sweetest people from here?" He paused and pulled me into his lap. I straddled him and he put his arms around my waist and held me close. "This isn't fair at all."
I put my arms on his shoulders and he put his forehead to mine. "Ali please don't ever leave me." He begged. I nodded rather than spoke. Looking into his eyes, I quietly promised him. I would never leave him. How could I ever leave him? This is the man I want to live the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with him. I want to wake up in his arms every morning. I want to be his first, last and only, always and forever; no matter what. He is mine, and I am his.