I don't really get it.
Lying on my stomach on the couch of mine and Buffy's living room, I slowly twirl my pencil in my hand for no particular reason, staring down at my math book.
Why am I even bothering with this stuff? It's not like any of this really matters now. School is almost over. There may still be a couple months left, but I've done all my college applications, and my teachers tell me that there isn't really anything I can do now to make my application any better than it is. So... why am I sitting here doing my homework? Why don't I just say 'screw it' and... go screw Faith or something?
I can't do either I guess. Faith and I only just got back together less than a week ago, and I don't want to push my luck and make things awkward with us. We're in a really good place now, but it's a bit different than the way it was before. I don't really know why. Everything seems the same. We do pretty much all the same things we did together before she left me, but it feels a little off somehow.
Faith and I still hang out and make out and make love just about every night we can be together. But somehow, things don't feel right. When I'm in Faith's arms, I don't feel as warm and as safe as I used to. Something about being with Faith doesn't make me feel like the whole world goes away and it's just us anymore. I don't get it. Maybe it's the whole Candy thing, I don't know. What if Faith isn't as okay with it as she said she was? What if she's angry, maybe even hates me for letting it happen?
I don't know what I'd do if that's what's happening. I already hate myself for letting it happen. I don't think I could handle Faith hating me for it too. A couple hours ago I was thinking about the argument Candy and I had the other day about the kiss and it got me so angry that I kinda wished that Candy was around so that I could punch her in the face with every ounce of strength I had, it's too bad that Candy wasn't actually around at the time, otherwise I probably would have done it. She really needs a serious beating for doing that to me. Too bad I know that it'd be totally wrong, even if I could do it myself. I know it would make me feel about a million times better though.
With a frustrated sigh, I brush everything book related off the couch in front of me and flip myself over, laying down on my back and staring up at the ceiling.
Unless that's the problem... maybe the fact that I can't stop thinking about punching Candy in the face for kissing me is what is making things weird with Faith and me. Faith might think that I'm thinking about Candy and thinking I'm thinking about wanting to kiss Candy again... which isn't what I want at all. I don't think of Candy that way. She's a bitch, and a selfish one too. Thinking that I would even THINK of wanting to kiss her when I feel that bad... or EVER even. God it just makes me wanna...
My hand balls up into a fist and I punch the backrest of the couch as hard as I can. Then I slowly relax.
I really hope that she gets her ass kicked by something very soon. As long as she doesn't get seriously hurt or die because of it, I don't think it's such a bad thing to think that way... right? Buffy would probably think so, but I don't really care what Buffy thinks. She doesn't even know that Candy kissed me. She'd just be all judgmental based on what I was thinking, which is totally not fair. Buffy doesn't know the whole story, and I'm not going to tell her because it's none of her business.
Suddenly, I start to hear a key being fumbled into the front door lock and unlocking it and I know who's coming. She opens the door and walks right in.
"Dawn?"
Speaking of my sister...
"Hey Buffy..."
My sister looks over at me on the couch and almost smiles while she unwinds from her day at the dojo.
Is something wrong?
"How was school?"
I shrug and kneel on the couch because I don't really have anything better to do.
"Oh you know, books, reading... people talking about reading. That... and more books..."
Buffy chuckles at me.
"I remember that feeling."
"Yeah, it's great. But I'll be glad when I hear back from my college applications and it's all over."
Again Buffy laughs as she kicks off her shoes and hangs up her coat before coming this way.
"Another feeling I remember well."
Okay, something really must be wrong. But I can't really come out and say it.
"So, how was work?"
She shrugs sorta half halfheartedly.
"Same old, same old I guess."
Being careful not to step on anything I threw on the floor a little while ago, I get up off the couch and walk out into the main hall where my sister is.
Something must've happened at work.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah... for the most part..."
For the most part?
"What happened?"
Buffy looks at me and tries to act like it's not a big deal.
"It's not that big a deal. Don't worry."
Why does she always have to try to protect me from things?
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine Dawnie."
Oh no, what if?
"Is Faith all right?"
"She's... fine Dawn. Like I said, don't worry."
"Why did you hesitate when you said she's fine? Did one of the slayers get in a good shot and hurt her or something?"
I bet it was Candy. She tried to get back at me by trying to hurt Faith. She's such a bitch.
"No, don't worry. Faith's fine... in the physical sense anyway."
What?
"What's that supposed to mean?"
My sister doesn't say anything right away.
"Look, is everything all right with Faith? Have... have you noticed anything weird about Faith lately? Like has she done anything strange?"
Why is she asking?
"I don't know. Why?"
She looks a little uncomfortable talking to me about this.
"Because... Faith... did something at work today that I've never really seen her do before."
What could have happened? And why is Buffy so uncomfortable about this? It wasn't about her and Faith was it? Something didn't happen between them did it?
"What?"
"Well, we were running the girls through a couple standard sparring drills, and it was Faith's turn to be the one to spar with them. Everything was going along fine until... she kinda... broke Candy's arm."
She did?
"She what?"
"I know. I don't know what happened. They were doing one of the regular drills, and Faith got a little creative with Candy, the way she likes to with some of the girls sometimes. Throw a little curve ball in what they think they know is coming. But then suddenly Faith threw a real punch that knocked Candy down and when she knelt down to see if Candy was all right, her knee kinda landed hard on Candy's forearm. Made Candy scream and we knew something was wrong. It was strange."
And kinda cool... part of me really wants to jump up and down to know that Candy got what's coming to her.
"I've never seen her do anything like that. In the whole time we've been training these girls since Sunnydale, she's never done any serious harm to any of the girls. Then all of the sudden..."
"That is kinda weird."
But if it had to happen eventually, I'm glad it happened to Candy. She deserves it.
"Yeah, well it gets even weirder because even though we all saw Faith do it, she says she doesn't know why."
She doesn't?
"As in... she doesn't remember doing it?"
Buffy shakes head.
"No, she says she remembers doing it, and apparently she remembers being very angry when she did it for some reason. But she doesn't remember why she was so angry and why she had to do it so badly... kinda freaked her out a bit. Course, the rest of us weren't so happy about it either."
She must be really worried right now. She needs someone.
"Where'd she go?"
"She said she would take the rest of the day off and went home I think. Why?"
Heading right for my coat, I pick it up and make sure my keys are in my pocket.
"I have to see her."
My sister grabs my arm firmly.
"Dawn, I'm not so sure that's the best thing to do right now."
What?
"Why the hell not?"
"Because... whatever's going on with Faith could happen again, it's dangerous. Faith could be dangerous."
I get this sudden urge to punch Buffy in the face.
"Faith is NOT dangerous. And whatever's happening, I know it's not Faith's fault."
She doesn't let go of my arm.
"If you go over there, Faith could hurt you."
"Faith would never hurt me."
When she still doesn't let go, I start pulling away.
"And what if it's not her decision?"
"Then I'd know it's not her fault, and I can live with that."
Buffy's grip on my arm gets a little tighter.
"Dawn, I know you love Faith, but I'm not sure that going over there right now is the best idea."
"Well I guess it's a good thing that's not YOUR decision to make then isn't it?"
After a couple more pulls to get my sister to let me go, she finally does. I open the door.
"Faith needs me, I'm not about to turn my back on her."
Then I leave our apartment and my sister behind.
* * *
As soon as I get up to Faith's door, I knock, but there isn't any answer from the other side.
She has to be home. She wouldn't go anywhere else.
Again I knock on the door, waiting patiently for an answer.
Faith likes coming home when something's wrong, she told me so one time. She told me how she never really felt at home in most of the places she's lived in over the years. She never really felt safe. Not until she came here and got her own place with her own money and started this dojo with Buffy. It makes her feel safe to know that she has a place to come home to that's really her own. And right now, I'm betting she wants to feel safe.
When I still don't hear anything from inside the apartment, I get a little worried.
Maybe she doesn't know I'm out here. She might think I'm just some random neighbor or something.
Knocking again, I decide to do more than that this time.
"Faith, are you there? It's me."
For a while, there's still nothing coming from behind the door.
Is she really not home?
"Dawn?"
I get a little closer to the door so I can make sure she'll hear me.
"Yeah... are you going to let me in?"
There's silence for a bit.
"I... now's not really a good time DK. You might want to come back later."
I may not have slayer hearing, but even I can hear how worried she is.
"Faith, I heard about what happened at the dojo. I came to help."
"I'm not so sure that's such a good idea Dawn."
"I wanna help Faith."
More silence comes from the other side of the door.
"Dawn... Dawn the best thing you can do to help right now is... go back home."
What?
"Why?"
She doesn't respond right away.
"Babe, if you really heard what happened at the dojo then you know you're safer at home right now."
Why would she say that?
"That's not true Faith. I'm always safer with you."
Another little while passes before I hear anything from Faith. Then I hear the lock turn on the other side of Faith's door and I step back slightly to let it open for me. But it only opens enough for Faith to see out the crack between the door and the wall, held partly closed by the chain. We look at each other from the crack in the doorway.
"You know that any other day of the week, that'd be completely true. I'd get myself put in a coma before I even tried to hurt you. But I felt like I didn't have any control over myself when I did what I did today. If I let you in and it happens again..."
"It won't."
Faith kinda looks down for a second.
"We don't know that DK. For all we know, it could be a side effect of what the demon did to me before it died. Breaking up with you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I know how much it hurt you. If I put a hand on you that did anything but love you I..."
I can't keep talking to her from the doorway like this. There has to be something I can say that will make her let me in.
"Baby, do you want to hurt me?"
That makes her look up at me.
"No..."
Stepping into the doorway, I shove my arm through the open space and try to unhook the chain while keeping my eyes on Faith.
"Then, let me in. Please..."
I get a hold of the latch on the chain and I try to unlock it, but I can't slide it off with my arm in the doorway.
"Whatever's going on, I can help, just, let me in."
She stares at me for a while without saying anything.
"All right..."
My girlfriend touches my arm and gently presses on my forearm, trying to get me to get out of the doorway.
"I'll unlock the door just, back up for a second."
I do like she asks and pull my arm out from in between the door and the wall, stepping back to let Faith open the door. As soon as it's open, I run into her and wrap my arms around her stomach. She doesn't put her arms around me in response, not really sure what to do.
I was really worried there for a while.
Eventually, she nervously puts her arms around me gently.
"Whatever's going on Faith, we'll figure it out together."
We stay there like that as the seconds pass by, eventually making me turn my head up and look at her. Faith stares off into space for a while.
"Faith?"
The sound of my voice has her looking back at me.
"You're right. We'll figure something out somehow."
Then she leans in and kisses me sweetly. It's a little strange, since we're kinda having a problem to deal with, but I'm not one to turn down a kiss from Faith. After a while, we end the kiss and I step back from Faith a bit.
"So... where do we start?"
Faith shrugs and we start making our way over into the living room.
"I don't know. There isn't much to go on. I remember what I did, but I can't really remember why I did it. It's like I was watching someone else drive a car from the driver's seat."
She and I both sit down on the couch. I face her to listen to what she has to say.
This could be important.
"Like someone, or something, else was telling you what to do?"
The woman I love pauses for a second before shaking her head a little.
"Nah, not totally, I... I kinda felt like I wanted to do what I was doing too. When I was sparring with the other girls, everything was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, but, part of me couldn't help but look over in Candy's direction when I had the chance a few times. Cost me too, a couple of the girls got in some lucky shots because I wasn't paying enough attention."
That's not good.
"Kinda made me angry at Candy a little bit, not sure why."
My girlfriend swallows and takes a deep breath.
I hate to see her like this, she seems so hurt.
"So when it was her turn to spar with me, I was all for it. We faced off for a while, toe to toe, going through the motions, but I knew she could do better. So I went after her to push her. But when I did, something happened. It was like this switch went off in my head and, and all of the sudden I felt like I wasn't just feeling my own feelings, but someone else's too."
Someone else?
"Who?"
She stays silent for a second but then runs a hand through her hair and shrugs.
"No idea, but whatever I was feeling, it was incredibly strong and... and it made me want to hurt Candy really badly."
You know, except for how bad this is hurting Faith, I'm not so sure this is all that bad. Candy's a self-centered, opportunistic bitch of a slayer. Sounds like she got what was karma-ing to her.
Faith lets out a frustrated sigh.
"I didn't like that feeling. I felt... out of control. I've, felt out of control before, and, I really don't want to feel that way again."
This is terrible.
I reach out and put my hand on her wrist trying to comfort her. The muscles in her arm are tense in my hand and I wish I could do something to help.
"Hey... we'll figure this out. Whoever did this, they'll pay for it."
No matter what I have to do to make it happen.
Our eyes meet and she does her best to smile.
"When did you get so good at being so comforting? I thought I was the mature calm one."
That makes me smile just a little bit.
"I learned it from my girlfriend."
This time she actually smiles for real when she puts her hand on top of mine around her wrist.