That night seemed eternal. It was a long time before I fell asleep while remembering that my destiny had been traced. Carla slept in my house. I did not have the strength to go to Ben's house. I knew how much I had hurt him, treacherously and cowardly. I sent several messages to him. After the 33rd he answered me with one, go to hell. I called after that but got voicemail.
How did I not think of the drastic changes that this would cause in my life? One of those changes would be Benjamin, but I did not want to lose him. Everything was great between us; I was living a dream, and I just ruined it.
As soon as the sun's light penetrated the cracks in my bedroom window, I woke up. I groped the nightstand, looking for my glasses. I was determined to go to Ben's house in an attempt to go and talk to him. Ben would have to listen to me. He knows I love him, and would never do anything to hurt him. I was dazzled, I did not think of the consequences that my sudden country change would bring. I will not go anywhere in the world if I have to leave him.
That was the first day after our disagreement that I had rung the intercom at Ben's house that was also the first day he did not answer. Mrs. Laura had said he was not home. I knew it was a lie. I watched your house all morning. I cannot believe he left the moment I went to the bathroom. In the following times who answer went to Ben's mother. She had drastically changed the tone that spoke to me every time I pressed the intercom.
"Thank you for finishing ruining my son's life," She told me once. I was in tears when Carla rescued me on the sidewalk. She was in my house every day after that. She brought me to reality every time I lost control.
As the days dragged on, it brought home Christmas. Soon the New Year. A New Year. A new direction in my life. A beginning I did not want without Benjamin. I was a mess. I desperately wanted to see him. I wanted to know what was going on in your head. I missed him.
My mother had already begun the process of exchanging tourist visas for students. She was already settling everything. College classes in the United States would start in June. That meant I had a few more months left.
"Elle, come in now!" My mom said pointing to the house. "I cannot stand seeing you that way anymore. Stop humiliating yourself. If Benjamin wanted to talk to you, he would have come to see you, or he would have met you at his house."
"Mom, please let me stay," I begged still on the sidewalk. "There are good Colleges in Brazil."
"How many people do you think would like to be in your place? Elle, come in, please!"
I reluctantly I walked inside of the home. I glanced at Ben's house, afraid I would lose him in seconds.
I knew she would use every method to convince me to go, not that I had any choice, but I knew that what she wanted was for me to feel like going.
"How many teenage couples do you think to remain together in adulthood? Tell me Elle, how many do you think will be together ten years from now?" I did not answer. I did not want to answer; I knew what she said was plausible. "Do not think that Ben will be the only guy you will love in your life. Breaking the courtship is difficult at first..."
"We haven't broken yet," I interrupted her.
"He does not even want to talk to you. Why do you have to keep getting martyred yourself?"
"Because you're making things difficult. I can do college here. My performance will be the same everywhere."
"In a few years, you will thank me. When you forget Ben, you will realize that it will be worth it. Remember what he said here at home about marriage. That will give you strength," She knew how to persuade me. She bit me with his poison and left it acting. She went to the bedroom and left me alone.
I stared at the white ceiling while the song played on my cell phone. I ended up shattering my heart in every song I listened. My mother's words echoed in my head along with the song I was listening: So one hand is holding yours while. The other is waving goodbye. I love you, but it's your turn to fight. But one hand is holding yours while. The other is waving goodbye. I love you, but it's your turn to fight. Feel my heart breaking as I walk away...
60th Day
It was a January Saturday when from afar I saw Ben's garage door opening. It was his mother's car. She was leaving. I had to get there before the gate closed. It was the only way I had to talk to Ben. I have never been good at running. I tired easily in physical education classes, but the distance between my house and Ben's was short. So I had to take my chances.
I took the first step. I took off my glasses and ran as fast as I could. The car was already on the sidewalk. I went through a tiny space. Ms. Ana brake the vehicle when she saw me. I gasped and stopped to rest. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and watched her as she was opening the window of the car. I looked home; nothing would stop me from entering. Not even Mrs. Ana, who got out of the car and came after me.
"He does not want to talk to you," I did not answer. I knew the way. I did not need her to guide me.
I looked at the door to Ben's bedroom. The plaque was there again. He had taken it when I asked, but he put it back. I knew he was not well. I put my hand on the knob and turned it. Mrs. Anne was still following me. Suddenly I entered the room. Ben spun the wheelchair when he could finally hear his mother's hysterical screams. I turned the key and locked the door.
"Elle, I'm going to call the police!" Mrs. Anne said as soon as she realized what I had done.
"Don't answer for Ben. They need to talk," I heard the voice of Mrs. Laura. Then they fell silent.
Ben was serious. It seemed like years had added to him in days. The old dark circles were there again. He had lost weight, too. I took a step forward. I wanted to touch him. It has been a while since I have not felt your skin close to mine. I missed how we talked so close to each other. I put on my glasses to make sure the way I saw him now was not because of my bad eyesight.
I was very close to him when he shouted:
"Don't touch me."
"Ben, do not talk like that. You could not have left my house like that. You've devastated me."
"I say the same. Only the wound is much bigger. I'll be left behind."
"I never said I'd leave you."
"Elle, please do not doubt my intelligence. You walk away do not make things harder. You did not have to be here today. I have already started my project of forgetting."
"Project of forgetting?" I asked. "Does your project of forgetting include ignoring me as if I had never existed in your life?"
"Exactly, but I cannot do this with you standing in front of me. Can you leave?" He pointed to the door.
"No! You cannot exclude me like this. I love you," I approached him. I touched his face, but Ben was not in the mood. He held my fist, taking my hand from his face. I stayed with my arms straight. I promised myself I would not touch him anymore.
"But you do not love me enough to stay," He fired.
"You know my mother would not allow it. I am not yet eighteen, you know I have to obey her. She's responsible for me."
"If it were I would find a way to not get on the plane every time the trip was marked."
"Until you're eighteen, Ben?" I mocked him.
"It is and does not doubt it. Because I would do," I was silent, from what I knew Ben I knew he would do. "You did not do anything. You just called me, inviting me to come to your house and rubbed it in my face that would go away in front of everyone, and you tell me that you love me."
"I did not think of the consequences it would bring. I did not think that would cause our end. Because you know, do not have to end."
"Internet, long distance relationship! Do not come with this conversation. I do not want to listen. Do you have any idea of the damage you have done in my life? Why do not you stop hurting me? Damn it! Will you not see that I'm suffering?" Then, Ben was suffering. Was he trying to torture me saying that high voice?
"Do not think that our estrangement has not hurt me either. We share the same pain, but you and I know it does not have to be this way."
"I do not want you in half, not after you invaded my life, and stole my heart. Not when you invaded my thoughts like an outsider. You cannot do this with me. You are killing me."
"Aren't you going to make things easier?"
"Not when it's my heart that's in danger. I cannot bear to see you leaving," Ben lowered his head and raised a hand to his face, wiping away a tear. A few tears fell on his legs, staining his jeans. I did not like to see him like that, but I knew the only thing I could do to keep them from falling was beyond my reach. I did not obey the fact that he wanted me as far away from him as possible. I approached him again and sat on his lap. He did not send me out of his lap back. I hugged him and placed a kiss on his face.
"Please don't cry. We can make things right, but you know I have to obey my mother."
"Do you have any idea how my life will be without you? How will I fill my days if in the last two months I only had you?" When Ben finally looked me in the eyes, I had sensed the wound I had inflicted on him. I invaded his life. I had no right to go out in such a brutal way. I was feeling me like if I was Jessica, the only difference being that she had the choice to stay.
"It will not be easy for me either. We don't have to break. I'll go, but I'll return."
"In 1460 or 2555 days, Elle, depending on the college you're going to do," He had already calculated the days. I wanted to know what else he thought about these days that we were moving away. It was a long time for our love to remain strong. The distance would make things more difficult."
"You can go and visit me."
"I'm not going to the place that will get me out of you," This time Ben hugged me. A hug so strong that said more than words. I rested my chin on his shoulder, would not let go, only when he thought it was time to let go. "I love you. I will not survive without you."
"I'm sure you'll be very happy. You will not have me around, to fight with you when you do something wrong... I'm sorry." I thought I would hold back the tears, I thought I could be strong, but I burst into tears in Ben's arms. It was the end. I felt that was the end.
I dreamed awake with Ben during the last three years of my life, never thought I could achieve that dream. I never thought I could touch him. I never thought I could hear Ben's voice so close to me. I have always listened to him from a distance. Everything was at a range. His smile that made my heart throb every time he showed. The smile was not for me, but even for other people, it was turning my day. I still remember the last day of the year, in my first year of high school, days before Ben suffered the accident, I'm sure he does not remember.
The hall was crowded with students. Ben was muttering something. I overheard that he had failed. It was the first time I was happy because something terrible had happened to him. That was a way to keep him in my eyes.
I leaned against the door of my classroom as I listened to him talk to his friends. I stood there for a few minutes, watching him. I was admiring him. I knew he was not the perfect guy and he never made a point of hiding it from anyone. Then, I did not mind loving him even though he was imperfect.
Marcos noticed that I was staring at Ben. He looked at me and laughed. I do not believe! I had heard him say. I straightened my glasses and looked in the other direction. I chose to stay there. If not I would only be feeding what Marcos had suspected.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye while he whispered something in Ben's ear for a long time, but Marcos did nothing about me. I thought there would be more joke. Instead, they went into their classroom, but before entering, Ben stopped at the door. He gripped the doorframe and looked in my direction. He smiled. He had smiled at me and entered the room. I did not smile back. I was not sure if he had smiled at me.
I looked around looking for someone he could have smiled. There were several people there. It could be any of them. This uncertainty always remained in my mind. Ben already gave indications that it was not as imperfect as this. He could have believed what Marcos whispered in his ear, and have acted like an idiot and had mocked me, but he did not do it. I thank him that he did not do that. For not having mocked my feelings.
"Tell me, Elle. Will you stay?" He asked me, wiping away my tear.
"I'm sorry, but the choice is not mine."
"Then stop torturing me, and go away."
"You can't be serious."
"I'm. Don't look for me, Elle. Don't invade my house. Don't send me messages. Don't call me. Erase my number from your address book. I don't want to say goodbye to you, so please don't try. I'm going to do the impossible to get you out of my heart, even though I love you insanely, even if you don't believe it I'm still going to love you. It makes no difference. I will not be able to get this out of myself so easily. Now let me bleed in peace!"
Benjamin was irreducible. He was like that when he wanted something. I knew he wanted me, but he did not want me away. Then to him, the end would be right. He wouldn't accept my conditions. He wouldn't listen to me. Although it was killing me from the inside, I did as he asked. I got up from his lap. I laid a kiss on his face and walked to the door. I looked at him as I closed it. The image of sadness was what I carried with me. I never saw Benjamin again.