He feels it.
He feels pressure, against his chest.
Awsten pushes him away.
Everything stops.
He was starting to rebuild, the kiss was slowly starting to stack blocks upon blocks in his chest, rebuild it into something resembling more of a chest cavity and less of a pile of shattered bones. He was starting to build himself back up, put the puzzle pieces together and allow the warmwarmwarm to fill in every tiny gap.
And now there's a wrecking ball suspended from his front. It only takes one swing, one hit, for the foundation to crumble again. The pieces are jagged. They prick and sting and burn at the bottom of his chest cavity. He feels each individual one fall.
He blinks rapidly and looks up at Awsten. He's sinking. Everything is sinking. His physical form is there but everything inside is disintegrating. His vision is blurry and his heart is racing.
Why did you do that what the fuck is wrong with you why would you do that he had no idea he wasn't prepared why would you take advantage of him like that why are you such a horrible person why can't you do something right for one fucking minute-
"Geoff?"
He feels the touch on his back, the slightest sliver of warmth, like finding a tiny pool of water in the middle of the driest desert ever. He presses into it, leans back and against Awsten's hand, closes his eyes and forces himself to exhale. "I'm so sorry Awsten, oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry I shouldn't have done that I shouldn't have kissed you I basically forced myself on you I-" He pauses to hiccup, brings a hand to his chest and presses inward. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry please don't be mad please I just-"
"Geoff!" Awsten's voice is light. He bites his lip and opens his eyes and sees the smile on Awsten's face. He doesn't look upset. His cheeks are pink and his eyes are shining. "Stop, okay? You didn't do anything wrong."
"But I- and you pushed- I- you couldn't have-" he stutters. His mind is racing. Everything is happening so fast all it once it's all hitting him it's so fast he can't think-
Youfuckeduphe'sgonnahateyouotto'sgonnakillyouyou'regonnaloseeverythinghe'sgoneyou'regonnadiealone.
"I liked it." Awsten feels for his hand and then moves up to grip his shoulders. "Okay? I didn't push you away because I didn't. I pushed you away because you were having a panic attack and you kissed me to stop it."
"I- I wasn't, I didn't-" His chest hurts the walls are coming closer youfuckedupyoufuckedupyoufuckedup.
"Hey, come here..." He feels Awsten drag him forward. His face hits Awsten's chest. He wraps his arms around Awsten's waist and swallows, inhales, tries to bring his breathing back to normal. It's going too fast everything is going too fast he wants to get off he's dizzy the world is spinning he wants to get off why can't he get off.
Awsten rubs his back, presses the circles into his skin. He feels it. He feels the warmth he feels what was missing five minutes ago he feels the warmth he wasn't getting the warmwarmwarm he felt when he kissed Awsten he feels it now why couldn't this have happened earlier why did he have to cross a line why did he have to violate him- you violated him you forced yourself on him you're a fucking creep what the fuck is wrong with you.
"You were having a panic attack," Awsten repeats. He feels his lips against the top of his head. "And you kissed me because you thought that would stop it. And I know what we do makes you feel okay, Geoff, but this is different. This is so new for you. Everything. You've never even thought about doing this with a guy before. You can't waste it on trying to feel something. You deserve better than that."
"I d-don't- I-I'm sorry," he chokes out. He lifts his head to meet Awsten's eyes. "I'm s-so sorry."
"Stop it." Awsten keeps an arm around his back. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"I-I violated, I t-took advantage I-"
"You didn't," Awsten says firmly. "You didn't. I didn't push you away because I was uncomfortable. This is special, Geoff. You deserve for it to be special."
"I'm sorry."
"Geoff, do you like me?" Awsten pulls his hands away. He shifts around, turns to sit cross-legged and facing him. "Do you really, in an 'I wanna kiss you and cuddle you and take you on cute sappy dates' kinda way, like me?"
He swallows. Awsten is staring straight ahead, – like he always is; making eye contact with him is one of the most uncomfortable things because Geoff always feels like he's looking at him even though he can't see it looks like he's looking at him and it's always like that it never stops he feels like Awsten is watching him no matter what – expecting an answer.
How is he supposed to answer he doesn't know he doesn't know anything it's all too big too fast too much it's too much why is he like this why does he get himself into the worst situations why couldn't he have just sucked it up and let hugging Awsten be enough why did he have to be warm so bad why did it matter if he hadn't done it they wouldn't he here he wouldn't be here he would be cuddling with Awsten he would be warm none of this would be happening why is he like this whywhywhy. "I-I don't k-know..."
"That's why I pushed you away," Awsten says. His voice sounds gentle. "You should know. Your first gay kiss should be for someone you like, not to stop a panic attack. Okay? You didn't violate me. You didn't take advantage of me. Everything's okay. We're okay, I promise."
"But I..." He trails off. He doesn't know how to say it he doesn't know what to say it's so stupid it's gonna sound so stupid Awsten's gonna think he's stupid. But he can't this can't Awsten can't think this is how he feels he needs to know he doesn't know he needs to know. "You..." He bites his lip, presses down until he tastes the copper, and squeezes his eyes shut. "You make- you make me feel- warm."
"What?"
"I-I," he stutters. "I never. Never feel it. Warm. Not even- not even 'round Jawn. I'm so anxious all the time and I have panic attacks and it's so much and I need to breathe but I never can but you...you make me feel warm. And I feel safe. Like nothing can hurt me?" He stops and shakes his head. "I sound so stupid. But I like being around you because you make me feel warm when you hug me or sit next to me or when our shoulders touch or when you rub my back or fall asleep on my chest I feel warm and it feels good and I feel like I could do this? Like it's not gonna be like this forever. So bad. As long as I have you, as long as I'm warm, I can do it. And I- I never want that to go away I want to be warm forever all the time I just. This is so pathetic and stupid oh my god I sound so weird I'm sorry I-"
"Geoff!" Awsten interrupts. He's smiling. His cheeks are so much pinker. They have this tint to them, this glow...they look rosy, like the shiny apples in the barrel at a fall festival. The color of cherry blossoms in the spring. Warm. "Geoff, that's...that's love. What you're feeling, that warmth? That's love."
"I don't- I-"
"Geoff." Awsten cuts him off again. Everything feels so hot. It's a different kind of hot. The warmth is everywhere everything else is gone it's just warmwarmwarm he feels like he could burst. "This is so new for you and I know you don't get it all of it yet and I don't want to be a rebound so it may not become anything, but do you...do you want to try?"
"T-Try," he repeats. "Try what?"
"Kissing," Awsten says. "Cuddling. Cute dates. Do you want to try?"
He looks at Awsten. At his pink cheeks and shining eyes and cherry blossoms and apples and fall festivals going to fall festivals with Awsten walking through the cherry blossoms laughing and picking him up swinging him around warmwarmwarm.
He looks down at the mattress and reaches for Awsten's hand. Awsten intertwines their fingers.
This feels different.
Every time Chloe held his hand it felt different it felt sharp she was stinging she was burning everything was burning it felt sticky and slimy and gross it felt foreign it felt wrong.
This is warmth and sunshine, laughing at fall festivals and running through the cherry blossoms, carrying Awsten on his back through fields of sunflowers, going to award shows together, looking offstage and seeing Awsten standing there, cheering him on.
This feels different.
This feels right.
"Y-Yeah."
so was it worth the wait